I'd really like some advice from those of you with experience. Let me refresh your memory on our situation.<p>I found out in November that H has a 5 yr. old daughter with OW. (We've been married 19 years and have four children of our own.) He had been secretly visiting her during those five years, OW hadn't wanted any support (only visits) but her financial circumstances changed and we now pay CS through a private agreement.<p>Our recovery is going fairly well (H is doing and saying the right things). My dilemma is this: he had an affair during our first yr. of marriage also and had promised it would never happen again. He had given himself to God about 10 years ago (five years before affair) and continued to promise me that he could never do that to me again and things like that all the time it was happening, etc.! His family history is very similar, his father and older brother also have two families, two of his sisters have children with MM! Yeah, I should have seen it coming, right???<p>I'm beginning to think he can't stop his behavior and won't be able to until he works out his past. My security blanket was the fact that he hated his father for what he had done to their family so I never thought he could do the same thing.<p>I love my H and believe that he loves me, however he has problems dealing with conflict resolution and consequences (obviously). He had originally said he would go to counseling with me, but of course, can't bring himself to do it. I have been seeing a counselor for the past six weeks and am working on individual issues. <p>My biggest fear is this: if H never has to look at the situation he has created and deal with the consequences I don't believe he will ever truly be able to stop the behavior. I plan to talk with him about him getting counseling or me getting out of the relationship because I am too scared to wait around and see if it happens again or to see if he starts visitation secretly again.<p>Please give me advice on this before I do something or say something that would send him backward in his recovery.<p>Thanks!
Mariachi Mom

I am in the process of a mess myself. But my advice is this: Keep going to counceling and talk to your councelor about how to suggest to your husband that he should go. May be he can go to a different counselor who is also a male in the same office as yours and then the two counselors can work together on bringing you two into one session. Sometimes men feel more comfortable talking with another man. He may also feel that you and your counselor might gang up on him because you have already established a relationship with him/her.
Good luck and never stop praying!!

MM,<p>I can understand the fear that you have that H will do this all over again! I also understand why your H was lieing while in the middle of the A and secret visitation, and although it's a crazy notion, he thought he was saving you from the pain and protecting you by not telling you what was going on. It's just the mentality of just about anyone involved in an A!<p>I think that Resolution had some awsome advice here. Talk to your counselor about it, and see if there is some way to get H to go to another counselor in the same "group" who he will feel comfortable. But, most of all, you need to deal with your fears! Why? Because I had never dealt with my own from Sailorman's first A over 10 yrs ago, and now we(Sailorman and I) are raising OC from my 2nd A! You are setting yourself up to do the same thing your H has done to you, and it doesn't make you feel any better! Don't get me wrong, we love Abbi with all our hearts, and she's just as important as her brother and sister! It's just very difficult to deal with the guilt at times, especially when D-day creeps up on me!<p>Keep up the counseling, and keep coming here! I know it's been a while since you had posted here, but we are always willing to help in any way we can! Hope I helped you out some.<p>Tigger

mariachimom,

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to respond to your email Friday but I hope you got the one I sent you this weekend. Let me know how things are going...I have been thinking of you and praying for you!!!

Love,
Jules