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Joined: May 2000
Posts: 440
babstr Offline OP
OP Offline
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 440
I know that I am pregnant, thus making me more emotional. And my husband is on military leave and at the place where he cheated on me five years ago.

But I am having some real gut feeling problems, about whether I can ever truly recover from this mess. I feel like a fool for staying. Will I ever know if I am the most important one to him, when there is always a nagging feeling? How do I let it go?? I always think he didn't love me enough 9 months after our wedding to not cheat, how can he love me more now not to cheat???

Wouldn't my life be easier if I was with someone who I knew loved me. He says he loves me, but I just can't believe it completely. I am still looking into everything, questioning everything. Trying to see if there is a mistake in what he says and what he does. My husband has never been faithful in any relationship in his life. Is he even possible of wanting to be only with me for the rest of his life??? I feel lost. And don't know if I should stay in this nightmare with a new baby. Don't my girls deserve to have their mommy happy and confident? Can I ever be that with all of this baggage.

How did some of you let go of these feelings, to believe in your own instincts, not assumptions?? I know I am ranting. But I can't talk to my husband, and I am sitting here pregnant, with 17 days before I give birth. I am being induced so I know down to the day how much longer I have.


<small>[ June 28, 2002, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: babstr ]</small>

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
Dear, dear Babstr,

I fully understand your feelings, but I think right now you are under a lot of stress being alone and in the final stage of pregnancy. The stress (and the raging hormones!) is making you think a lot more than you would usually do. Please take that into consideration and try to calm down.

In my own experience, you never forget the A, especially when an OC is involved. But, deciding to let go is a conscious decision that you make at the point when you realize you are hurting yourself more than the A ever hurt you.

After the ex-OW/OC, I became so manic that I was analyzing every thing my H did, everywhere he went, how long it took him to get the the grocery store and back ... I was driving myself crazy. And, I was also driving him crazy.

My H told me that he felt like an ex-convict that was being tried every single day for the crime he committed long ago. That was when I decided that I had to forgive him and move on - for the sake of both of us and my children.

"Forgiveness means giving up my right to hurt you because you hurt me". (my favourite saying). I was doing a great job of playing the victim and reminding my H of all that he "owed" me because I stayed with him. It was the hardest and boldest step I ever took, but I stopped hurting him with my accusations and endless questions.

In the process I also stopped hurting myself. I made a conscious decision based on the fact that my H was doing and saying the right things, he was creating an environment that I felt comfortable in, and we were serious rebuilding trust. I decided to trust him again. And, I told him that I was giving him my heart again, but if he broke it again that would be the end.
I have lived by that decision ever since.

Of course there are times when a trigger reminds me of the past, the ex-OW, the turmoil that we went through. But, I consciously put those thoughts out of my mind. I separate my marriage into two parts - before the A and after the A -- the old US and the new US.

When I think about things that happened in the past, I remind myself that my H and I are NOT those people anymore. Those behaviours belonged to another man, not the H I have now.

Listen to your heart and your mind on this one. If your H is not doing anything suspicious, and if your heart is telling you that he has re-committed to you and your family then put your faith in God and your family and put it behind you.

Babstr, I know the fact that your H is back at the scene of the crime is probably triggering all sorts of crazy thoughts. But, he has been with you ever seen the ex-OW/OC situation. He says he loves you and he is stregthening your family with a new child.

Try to focus on the positives. He will soon be home, you will both soon be gazing into the face of your newborn treasure, and then, more than any other time, you will know how important you and your family are to him.

Keep thinking positive thoughts. You will make it through just fine and your H will soon be at your side. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now.

I will pray that sweetest Mary, the Mother of God, to wrap her arms around you and comfort you. She was also a mother and knows the worries that a mother knows. I will pray that she asks God to send you extra strength to help you through this difficult time.

We are all here for you, Babstr. Take good care of yourself and let us know what name you picked out for your new baby.


Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Oh heavenly,

That is EXACTLY what you said to me many many many moons ago. And how I envied the peace you had come to experience post tramatic affair resulting in child.

My God I wanted what you had soooooo bad, and those words you wrote me made me realize I too had to take the plunge and forgive. I wish I could describe the weight that was lifted from my sholders once I did that.

Babstr, listen to Heavenly. Her words saved my sanity and catapolted my mind into a state that was open for true recovery. Without taking that step I would have stayed in my misery forever.

Will write more later,

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