Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
I didn’t want to post today. Because of everything that’s going on today. The building I work in used to have a clear view of the twin towers. Anyway this is my D-day week yes week. 9/10/00 I heard a voice mail from H’s next potential OW on his cell phone. I was checking the phone to see if he had already listened to my message I left him. 9/11/00 exOW sister came to my house and told me about the affair and OC. I file for a divorce. 9/12/00 H breaks down crying etc…. realizing losing me he has no life etc….. 9/13/00 I talk to exOW on the phone for 2 ½ hours I learn a few more things H omitted/left out from his version. My last day at my job was 8/31/00 I left my bread and butter I would have been earning over 6 figures had I stayed. It took me a year to get over the fact he allowed me to quit my job knowing exOW was pregnant. Now that I’ve vented. [Smile]

I can honestly say I’ve grown as a person. I now have returned to the go getter I used to be. I’m no longer that shadow of myself I remember thinking man I wish these two years will hurry up and get by so I can return to my old self. I still am not the old Unsure I don’t think I’ll ever be her. To be honest I’m not sure if I want to be her. I like this new older wiser version of myself. I’ve turned into a wonderful mother dealing with this situation. I don’t think I was a crappy one before but working 50 to 60 hours a week I didn’t spend as much quality time with the boys that I should have. Being home with them these two years and watching my oldest son battle with the exOW/OC situation was a hard hurtful time but also a loving close time we really bonded. OS is no longer in therapy and for the first time in a long time I know in my heart he doesn’t need it and he’s happy. I’m so proud of him as I watched him catch the bus to Middle school this year he’s in 6th grade I was so proud of him he’s 11 and 5 feet tall and built not fat just a big tall kid for his age. He has his father’s curly hair and my light brown eyes he’s so gorgeous lol everywhere we go people are always telling me you going to have to watch out for that one the girls are going to throw themselves at him and they already are. [Roll Eyes] O.k. I won’t brag anymore but if you saw the shaken kid who was a shell of his former self two years ago you would know why I’m so proud of this smart intelligent kid who just got accepted in this Magnet school that’s hard to get in. I just go the news yesterday. YES! [Big Grin]

As for my relationship with my H. It’s a rollercoaster ride but it’s one where we take the time to get off and talk to each other. Recently I felt like he wasn’t meeting my EA’s and I was feeling really vulnerable. Even though at the initial conversation I felt like he wasn’t taking what I was telling him serious he has really turned around and has been a great H. I don’t know if he felt me dealing with my D-day triggers but he been really attentive and loving and caring. Heck as I told Z we’ve been humping like rabbits. lol He did something stupid a week or two ago but after discussing it recently I realize he was dealing with a lot of crap from his job that he wasn’t sharing with me. I can honestly say that no matter what happens in my marriage if we stay together or part I can handle it. The one thing about dealing with an affair is that you either let it break you or you learn to be a better person for you. WS’s and OW’s will never understand what it’s like to a BS who’s H has an OC. It’s something I would never wish on my on my worst enemy not even TAH/exOW. Anyway it already happened to her so no need to wish it on her again.

As for OC I could say we moved on with our life since H decided on NC and that he never thinks about her but I can’t. He does think about her and he does care for her but he says, “exOW wasn’t mature enough to handle the situation so he doesn’t feel guilty for putting his family needs first.” The one thing I’m glad about is that I never made him decide I told him I had to be a part of it 100% but beside that and how he handle contact with exOW it was his choice. He can never throw in my face you are the one that didn’t want him to be apart of OC life etc… Some of you who remember my earlier posts know how guilty I felt for OC I felt like every child deserved a father etc... Now I’m glad we have NC when I realized how much exOW would be involved I wanted to back out of visitation then I realized her actions would push H away and they did. Although I have compassion for OC for the first time in a long time I feel selfish. I’m glad my D doesn’t have to share her father. She’s our youngest even though she’s 8 months older than OC she’s our baby and I don’t want her to share that position right now. (I never told H that of course) H and I agreed that when OC is able to talk and exOW can’t lie and said we hurt her etc…that if he wanted to he could try and pursue visitation. I’m sorry but if he never brings it up neither will I. I pray and hope exOW finds someone to love her and her 4 children. If she doesn’t whenever OC wants to contact her father and if she’s willing to at least listen to both sides of the story our/my door will always be open for her. I do not hate her I see her for the innocent child she is.

As for exOW I can care less about her she means nothing to me or my marriage. I don’t even try to figure out why she thinks the way she does. Z was joking with me about having a job and she said now you make enough money to keep repairing you car after exOW damages it. And you know what I truly honestly believe what goes around come around. I feel good knowing I can look my children in the face everyday and know I didn’t stoop to her level and risk getting arrested for something so bogus. After her false phone harassment charges and going to court for that I will never put myself in a position that risks going back and forth to court. When it all panned out in the end it’s not who has the guy it’s who has self respect and self esteem because of the almost daily new reports and new people coming up to me and looking like they are in mourning because of my situation. lol (I'm sorry but I can laugh about it at this particular moment tomorrow I may not) I can only assume she's still telling everybody and I don’t care! I hold my head high I did nothing to be ashamed of. And everyone that approaches me or my family always says doesn’t she realize how stupid she looks. I think that’s her punishment she goes around trying to make me look like this crazy wife and people who know me shake their heads in disgust and feel sorry for her. O.K., I’m going to cut this short I haven’t posted an update in awhile and every time I was post it’s always when she does something to my car. Lol for you newbie’s my marriage isn’t perfect but it has improved 95%. I can honestly say I’m no longer the person I was 2 years ago. Do I still think about it? Yes, but it doesn’t affect me as much as it used to do then. Good luck to all and keep praying that's the only thing that helped me get where I'm at.

Unsure

PS-I forgot to mention my YS he’s doing great (except for his darn asthma) he’s 8 now. He was just nominated for the AT program Academically Talented. H and I spent the night playfully arguing why he so smart. We all know it’s from me. And the baby is doing great she will be 2 1/2 on the 15. If you’ve read this entire post thanks it felt good to vent and to share.

Tee

Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Awesome update Unsure,

And sooooo glad to hear about your sons. You are so blessed and I'm sure it radiates from you.

Isn't it amazing some days the peace we have with our situations. And other days the devil just stirs discontent within us. Thankfully those days get farther and farther in between.

I'm glad you are my chat buddy. You've helped me in so many ways. It's good to know we have sistas in recovery!

BTW I talked to our other sista on the phone the other day. She's doing good. Gave me some great advise about my situation. She gave it to me raw and uncut. I needed that. I tried it and it worked. I finally have understanding and closure of what went down over the last few weeks.

Thank you for your advise as well!

Well chat soon,
Z.

Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 6
J
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Sep 2002
Posts: 6
Hello,
Here I am
reading your posting and finding myself so over joyed by your happiness. In your words you can feel peace and I'm sure it was a long time comming. I know you don't know me nor do I know you but I find hope in your posting (no matter how long the post was [Smile] ) It's good when in the mist of my storm I can still see hope for my marriage. May God continue to bless you and your family. Please keep sharing I get so much from everyone's experiences and recovery.

Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,369
Dear Unsure...I is doing that old happy dance for you, Gal.

I want to thank you for posting this thread and giving hope and encouragement to the newbies who are filled with fear and doubt...as you were and as I was all those many months/years ago.

The road is long and often torturous, but you know, the rewards are something we never knew existed.

I know exactly what you are saying about how you have changed and that you will never be the same. I used to lament that I would never be the same, but, like you, I like the way I am and what I have become. I like the changes and I really have come to know and udnerstnad the world and human nature better than ever before. Mostly, I finally allowed my husband to be just a man and get down off that impossible pedestal I had him on. I know 'admiration' is an extremely important emotional need, however, I took it too far...I made him think he was bullet proof, more than he really was and set him up for a huge fall...impossible expectations.

I admire my husband now for his strength to stay in the mix and fight the good fight for recovery and enlightenment. I admire his ability to admit when he is wrong and for his errors. I think he is more wonderful than before because he is no longer a selfish man and has re-prioritized his life. It feels so good to respect him again. It feels wonderful to find my self respect again, in awe of my strength to have endured it all and grateful to God for all of it...the good, the bad and the ugly.

Your children have oddly benefited from all this strife because they have watched you example and been the beneficiaries of your empathy, awareness and devotion. Your husband has had the privelege of being loved and elevated by a woman who stayed with him through the impossible and seen the beauty of true love and what it can do for a marriage.

I couldn't be happier for you and thrilled that your attitude is gratitude.

God bless, with love...and, thank you.

Catnip =^^=

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
[Smile] bump ^^ [Smile]

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 610
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 610
Unsure, you sure sound like a great lemonade maker. Life dumped lemons on you--by the bushel full until you were about swamped under. You made the migest lemonade stand on the block. And exOW still has her face contorted from biting on sour lemons. She hasn't figured out you're supposed to add some sweetner.

Hurrah for unsure who sounds more sure all the time.

Love,
MJ

PS our D-day are almost the same. We are right on our two-year D-day anniversary. I plan to celebrate it by ignoring it. How about you?

Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 610
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 610
Unsure, you sure sound like a great lemonade maker. Life dumped lemons on you--by the bushel full until you were just about swamped under. You made the biggest lemonade stand on the block.

And exOW still has her face contorted from biting on sour lemons. She hasn't figured out you're supposed to add some sweetner.

Hurrah for Unsure who sounds more sure all the time.

Love,
MJ

PS our D-day are almost the same. We are right on our two-year D-day anniversary. I plan to celebrate it by ignoring it. How about you?

[ September 16, 2002, 11:14 AM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
I just wanted to thank you all for your support. I'm sorry about the delay in responding. I can't respond the way I want to now but I will tonight. Thanks again.

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 709
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 709
unsure,
I am so glad for you. You have given me hope.

Dawn

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 922
Dear Unsure,

It is so wonderful to hear that your life has turned around so dramatically. Time to change your name from "Unsure" to "Verysure".

love,
heavenly

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
Verysure--good one, Heavenly!! Unsure, you ought to try that! [Big Grin]

Unsure, I'm so happy for your recovery... it should be an inspiration for all newbies!

Congradulations,
J

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
Again sorry about the delay responding. H and I went away last weekend we had a great time in Manhattan, I'm also working FT again. I'm on the PC all day long and when I get home sitting in front of a computer is the last thing I want to do. [Smile]

Z, Thanks for your support and I'm glad our other sistah was able to help you. D if you read this I miss chatting with you. You both know you have helped me a lot!

Jafujay,

Your post is what I needed it feels good to know someone else especially a newbie can find hope in something your saying. I don't know your story because I've been away but I used to find hope by reading others stories. In fact I think I read everyone’s story from the beginning to understand why they felt the way they did when I first found MB.

Catnip, BTDT, and MJ,

At one point you all have given me advice that was monumental in my recovery. You've all made such and impact in my recovery in ways that you or others wouldn't understand. When I was feeling really down and confused at one point or another you've said something to me that made me give my marriage another chance and I thank you for that.

Dawn, Heavenly and Jenny- Thank you very much for your support. It makes me feel good and it's needed. I will change my name one day. And Yes I'm very sure of me and my future no matter what. And that feels really good. I was telling Z and Staci it's strange to care so much about people you've never met and it seems like you know so much about them. You rejoice through their good times and cry through their sad times. I appreciate all of you for being there for me when I needed it. I hope I can get on used to working so I can be there for others again.

Luv Ya!

Unsure

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 901
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 901
Hey babe! I am so glad to hear how wonderful it is going for you. Sounds like you may haven managed to make it to the rainbow after the terrible flood. You are a strong woman Unsure....an inspiration to all. I am sorry for not responding to your email, actually I didnt realize I didnt, but that is probably the case. I dont get much time on the computer and even less before now so I would read the emails I got quickly and usually intented to respond later when I had more time (which I had not gotten until now). But I did read everything and thank you for not giving up on me. You thought of me enough to email when you had not heard from me. That means a lot.
Love
bw

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
Reading Staci's post made me go back and re-read some of my old posts...this one really hit me...

How do I feel now...still confident about myself.. my marriage is still a rollar coaster minus the cheating....My children are now 15, 12, and 6. We have contact with OC have had it for a year. Care for OC have no problems with her but exOW still occasionally pulls her little antics... I just thought I would bump this up for some of the newbies and a flash in the past for some of the oldies....

Unsure/Tee


Unsure about a lot of things but not how to achieve personal happiness...
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 739
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 739
{{{hugs}} to you Tee!

It certainly does amaze us when we look back on where we've been, doesn't it?

I know that when I first came here, reading the "oldies" posts helped me know that there was light at the end of the tunnel.. no matter if that tunnel forked or not, there is still light at the end.

Good to "see" you again, girl! We need to email more often.

Stacia


God will lead you to
No waters He cannot part;
No brink He cannot cross;
No pain He cannot bear.
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
Hey Staci,

I'll try to email you tonight...it's weird to look back at the past and think man that's where I was at. I read so much pain in some of my older posts and at time so much anger. I do not feel that way anymore. Unless an antic or stunt is pulled for the most part I ignore it and keep on moving. Talk to you soon. Have you talked to Twiisty I miss her..

Tee


Unsure about a lot of things but not how to achieve personal happiness...
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 16
T
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
T
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 16
Quote:

Hey Staci,

I'll try to email you tonight...it's weird to look back at the past and think man that's where I was at. I read so much pain in some of my older posts and at time so much anger. I do not feel that way anymore. Unless an antic or stunt is pulled for the most part I ignore it and keep on moving. Talk to you soon. Have you talked to Twiisty I miss her..

Tee




Heya Tee! Twiisty is in the house. They never let me keep my original name so I had to sign up again under "Twiistyagain"

We've got lots to catch up on, don't we? I am now officially divorced and in school, and halfway towards a bachelor's degree in paralegal studies. I want to eventually be a lawyer that specializes in family law.

Get my e-mail from Stacia and we can catch up! I miss you too and many hugs from me to you (((Hugs)))

Twiisty


Divorced COM:Three (7,6 and 3 years old) COPM:Two(13, 12 years old) D-day 05/01/01 Recovery 05/01-10/04 Divorce Finalized 04/2006 Oc is 7 and still NC on ex-h's part.
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
Quote:

Quote:

Hey Staci,

I'll try to email you tonight...it's weird to look back at the past and think man that's where I was at. I read so much pain in some of my older posts and at time so much anger. I do not feel that way anymore. Unless an antic or stunt is pulled for the most part I ignore it and keep on moving. Talk to you soon. Have you talked to Twiisty I miss her..

Tee




Heya Tee! Twiisty is in the house. They never let me keep my original name so I had to sign up again under "Twiistyagain"

We've got lots to catch up on, don't we? I am now officially divorced and in school, and halfway towards a bachelor's degree in paralegal studies. I want to eventually be a lawyer that specializes in family law.

Get my e-mail from Stacia and we can catch up! I miss you too and many hugs from me to you (((Hugs)))

Twiisty





I didn't get online last night I will email Staci tonight and get it. Nice hearing from you we definitly have to catch up!

Tee


Unsure about a lot of things but not how to achieve personal happiness...
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
No way! How is it that I can be gone for over a year and when I pop in there's an update from one of my bestist sista girls on the front page. Unsure, your girl Z. is in tha house! Oh how I miss chattin' with you. We need to talk. I'm gonna post an update on a separate thread. Do you still have my email addy?

I saw this new forum has messaging. I'm gonna attempt to send you a PM. Miss ya girl.

Z.


Zebra Baby ... Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
OP Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
Yes, If it the same email I still have it I'll hit you either tonight or tomorrow. I miss you girl!


Unsure about a lot of things but not how to achieve personal happiness...
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 43 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,673 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,551
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5