I have been married for a year and 3 months. My husband is a very kind and gentle man. He is quiet and reserved while I am outgoing and ecentric. We are total opposites, which gives us some balance but can be very frustrating at times. A couple of months into our marriage I found out that my husband was posting pictures of himself on the internet and searching of other women. I found a variety of emails between him and others in which they appeared to be arranging times and places to meet. After confronting him about it, he swore that he was only talking and that he never met or slept with anyone. He promised to stop. We started counseling but never returned after the fifth session. Over the course of our marriage I have found condomns, text messages, voice mails and phone numbers from other women. We've argued and made up always with the promise that things would get better, and I believe they have (when it comes to other women). Recently, he has focused his attention on cars and video games. He spends most of his time working on a car, playing a game, or searching for car parts on the internet. I feel like I am always begging for his time and attention. We may have sex once a week, we may go out once a month, and sometimes he'll accept friends coming over to spend time with us. I try to plan my schedule around him. If someone wants us to hang out I don't say yes until I know what he is doing. Often times I ask him what our plans are and he never answers me. It seems like whenever I stay at home he leaves and when I decide to leave he stays. He also spends a great deal of time hanging out with his friend which live (in the country) 30-45 minutes away. When I ask him to take me he simply signs or says "Oh, boy!" I spend alot of time alone at home. One of my girlfriend's parents lives across the street from me so I go visit her whenever she is there. About 6 months ago her brother moved in to help out because their father is sick. I started going over to hang out with both of them, but before I knew it I was going even when she wasn't there. I was spending every Saturday and Sunday afternoon sitting in the yard smoking cigerettes and talking to her brother. We have been out of work for our holiday break for almost 3 weeks and now I am spending just about everyday with him, while my husband in the country or at the car shop. We flirt a great deal but nothing physical has happened. I am starting to feel guilty about our relationship but I can't stop seeing him. I go to sleep thinking about him and I wake up wanting to be with him. He is so good to me. He says and does everything my husband doesn't. I have talked to my husband several times about how we should meet each others emotional needs. I have suggested websites and books that we can read about improving our marriage. He says he'll read them but he never does. I tell him about my needs and I ask him about his. Although I have asked him several times since we've been married, he has yet to tell me what he needs from me. His response to my needs is that he is trying but it's not going to happen over night. I will admit that at times I see him trying. On occasion he'll bring me flowers, be playful, wash clothes, call when he's on his way home, or fix dinner. I hate to sound selfish but I like lots of kisses, hugs, conversation, and compliments and I never get any of it without asking several times (most times I still don't get it). I am at the point now where I don't even want to express my feelings because he says it make him feel like nothing is ever good enough. I don't want him to feel that way but I feel like I am only asking him to do what husbands are suppose to do <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . I ask for quality time, conversation, and affection. If I can't get it from him where do I get it from? Do I suffer in silence, drive him crazy with ongoing request, or search somewhere else? I am stuck. I don't want to cheat on my husband but I do want to feel loved. How do I get him to love me?

I want to say that your marriage is so close to my experience in my marriage. Although my husband didn't hang out with friends a lot, he let me feel just as lonely by staying in the house and being constantly on the internet and watching MTV. I felt just as neglected. Right now I am possibly going through a divorce, since he got fed up and walked out on me, but I will say that there is hope for your marriage. Maybe I can go to heaven and not hell for divorcing my husband if I help someone else's marriage to succeed.

I know he doesn't like to take on new ideas or want to make changes...so that's ok. It is not he who has to change, but yourself. (Trust me after 3 sessions with a counselor, Bible study, and group therapy, I am finally realizing it is not my fault and stop putting the blame on myself for everything I have no control over). You have no control over what your husband does. The harder you try to change or move him, the harder he will try to run the wrong way. You've tried talking it out with him. He won't listen. You tried counseling. He won't go. What else is there to do?

a. Set boundaries: He will run all over you if you don't set some boundaries for him to abide by. Tell him you will move out (or he move out) if his behaviour continues. Today, my counselor said I need to work on my self worth...well, by having him keep you unable, he is affecting your self worth.
b. Once you set the boundaries, abide by them. Don't bluff, be firm.
c. Prepare for the separation if need be. I have been reluctant to file a formal separation, because you will be amazed at how much financial stuff each other are intangled in. So I am preparing myself to pay for everything once he is out of the picture.
d. Seek counseling for yourself. Don't seek counseling for him or the both of you. You won't heal unless you focus on yourself.
e. Get with friends...trust me, there is nothing better than to have friends tell you the rights and wrongs (or at least get a different perspective).
f. Allow time and space to allow you to determine whether he is worth keeping or not. If he truly loves you he will make a move. If not then prepare yourself if he doesn't come back. This is what I am dreading when I file for separation. My hubby may not come back. But I am a survivor.

I hope this helps...and the last thing is to pray, pray, pray...

God loves you and you are blessed,
Nomoregames

I have a little different perspective, I may be wrong, I don't know. First, you should read Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. Wheather you realized it or not you are having an affair. You may not have had sex yet, but you are moving in that direction. You need to confess this affair to your husband and stop all contact with this other man. This will be very difficult for you, and may not seem fair to you, but you can not work on your marriage with this other man in the picture. If you confess your affair to your husband, he may be willing to work with you on your marriage even though he will also be very upset. You said he has tried for brief times to be more loving, but it was never enough and it didn't last. What we are talking about is learning habits that work in your marriage. It takes a long time to develope a habit and positive reinforcement to stay motivated while develope those habits. Did you buy Dr. Harley's Five Steps to Romantic Love? Have you considered going to a Marriage Builders weekend semenar to jump start working on your relationship? If you go to the semenar you will get lots of support and suggestions for building your marriage not just durring the semenar but also after the semenar while you are both working on new habits that can save your marriage.

I agree that you're having an EA. Unfortunately, it sounds as though your husband is having physical As (multiple) also. You found condoms? He can deny it, but you must know better. How did he explain the condoms?

I'd suggest revisiting counseling. But if he won't keep going, it won't help.

He has to be honest first. Both of you do, with yourselves and each other. Otherwise a successful, happy M is near impossible.

Best,

Too