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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
M
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M
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
I think my H and I are pretty clear on no contact from now on. We tried...too much stress on our marriage and we're not trying to take on extra, especially now since he's deployed.

So, how to walk away and allow lil lady the opportunity and promise of a relationship with her dad and step mom?

Well here are some thoughts that came to mind last night...thought I'd run them by you all.

1. As far as cs, it is about 30% over the amount of day care. So, should or could my H request that any amount over a certain percentage beyond day care/food, be set aside for college. Sort of like a savings account for college. Not an IRA, xow won’t get yet another tax break off my H’s money. I say this because she seems to keep the pattern of only working when convenient. Not keeping a job on a regular basis. No way she can save for college and help make ends meet and keep a roof over her own child’s head. She can’t do it, and hasn’t been able to do it since the baby was born almost three years ago.
2. As far as medical coverage, he could request that she be placed under his medical coverage until her mom proves she can remain employed for at least 365 days. Afterwards, she can choose whatever coverage she wants.
3. Most importantly, future contact. I hope my H has a desire to bring closure to this chapter. I hope he decides to find a way to communicate to his daughter that when she’s old enough to maintain a relationship with her mom’s family AND her dad’s family, that she’s welcomed in our lives and in our home. She could potentially be faced with dealing with an absentee dad. Would paving the bridge this way make her decision to contact in the future more easy? Would she be more inclined to contact him and want to get to know him and her brothers and sisters? Or would she just see him as a paycheck and think the ‘invitation’ is insincere?

Joined: Oct 2001
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matt,,,,,, i am not an expert by any means but these are just mho's.

1 - that sounds like a great idea but i doubt the court will agree with it. seems to me there are some difficult items to deal with in that situation. who benefits from any inteest accrued,
how and when does the money get dispersed, who gets the money if child just decides not to go to college (could turn out to be a large savings account for oc with mom encouraging her to not attend school), and of course the unthinkable what happens in the untimely event of death to one of the parties.

2 - i don't see any reason why the health insurance issue should be a problem. in our case om wants to use his w's policy for grace. it would cover grace at no additional cost to him. fh and i have no problem with that as long as grace is covered.

3 - this one can be complex. i can't remember exactly how old your oc is. my gut feeling is that when your h returns he should resume contact if you two desire. at this time the oc is in the same shoes as so many other c's of service men and women who are deployed. yhey are temporarily missing one or more parents.

this may or may not be true but i am of the firm belief that people do not remember life's events much before the age of 4 years old. maybe very little and some of you out there may be the exceptions but i say just try and remember things in your own life prior to that age. i am hot talking about stories you have heard at family gatherings or memories from pictures and videos you have seen as an adult. instead just striaght memories from the old gray matter.

my personal experience is that i didn't get to see my oldest son untill he was 20 or 21 months old because of the problems between his mom and me. once we managed to adjust to each other and form a bond we ended up having a great relationship. we had some problems when he was a teenager (18 19). but they were solved when he was 20 as gave him my journal. i had journaled the events of the relationship between the 3 of us from the 3rd party point of view as much as possible. i tried not to be judgemental in the writings and instead just put down the facts as they occured. it had everything good times, bad times, confrontations, everything an oc relationship intails. i highly recommend this to any one in this situation. fh has started one for grace.

i sincerely doubt that if you and your h are honest with oc she will see him as a paycheck. if ow is bad mouthing your h tothe child i can only feel this will end up biting her in the butt. kids see through the harsh talk all the way to the love that is shown them. if you just love her for her whenever possible she will see your heart.

hope this helps and more so makes some sense,

pops

Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
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Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 166
Thanks for the response pops. You are at least the third or fourth person that's encouraging giving contact more time to work.

Not sure that we will. It's hard to battle the feelings attached to an ema, and deal with the hostility of step child dynamics.

All I can think of right now is getting some serious, professional third party help. Someone outside that can see things from everyone's point of view, but encourage us all to do what's right for the baby. Unfortaunately, the courts are lacking in depth and breadth when it comes to dealing with family situations.

We'll think more on it. Right now, I just want my H to come home!!! He's still fighting the real war thousands of miles away.

MM

Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 713
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Well, I have watched your attempts in contact with OC with great interest.

It is so interesting, that most of the posters on this board who have tried contact, unless the OW is not involved and/or minimally involved, decide that it is too painful/hard/difficult on everyone. And contact is stopped.

I have tried to tell my H that-who is now separated from me due to his wishes of continued contact, against my wishes.
He minimizes the fall out on me, our family, etc.

The fact is, my children are older, and know what a huge mistake my H did to them and me. They are upset with him and with OW. They don't want contact. My H's family doesn't want contact. Even if we continue to divorce, my own MIL says she will view me always as a daughter, no matter what. She isn't saying that about the OW for sure.

I think you will not be able to dictate what the OW does with CS. Nor anticipate the feelings of OC about you,your family, or H. I suppose the OC may have feelings towards all of you, but what are you going to do-worry about it for life? Your OW chose this life for child, when adoption could have occurred. She didn't choose that.

I don't think your family should suffer for two people's mistakes. I think you should do what is best for your family, and move on.

And, Be happy.

Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,430
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Joined: Mar 1999
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Matthew,
some people may not understand your concern re: future contact, but I wonder about it too.

I think it's impossible to say how an individual will react to their bio-father in their situation... two people can react completely differently even in identical situations!! I STILL wonder whether it would do OC any good for us to mail things to OC, what difference it could make to whether OC will want to meet H/us when we aren't so long distance, how she'll interpret H's feelings...

The bottom line for us became how much trash we could stand to take from the angry mother!

I have no advice; just want you to know you aren't alone in wondering.

Best wishes,
J, going on 5 years


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