Hey BBG93 and Albany, Hows everything going? Its hump day and the weekend is coming. Just checking on you two. Hope everything is going well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is hump day thank goodness. How is it going with you??

If you have read (feeling anxious posts)you can see how I have been doing.

Actually looking a bit up--H called last night to say that he is really thinking about this and he just doesn't want us to argue--always says that.

Anyway I have just been trying to act as indifferent to him as possible told him I couldn't keep giving because for almost a year a really haven't gotten anything in return & I'm worn out.

Tell me what is new with you--I was worried hadn't heard from you.

Albany

Hey Sunny,

Was thinking of you, I pray all is well or at least getting well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I am doing alright I guess. Yesterday was our "1 yr. anniversary" of H coming home. I told him that & he didnt' want to talk, all he said was that it doesn't seem like a year. I started to press further & tell him that in a year we had made no progress on US, much less including OC in OUR lives but I didn't.

H called me a little while ago to ask for a resume, he is currently looking for a new job, & I am not sure what happened to the old one, asked how my day was going blah, blah, blah. I am not talking to him so he is being more attentive of course. I think I may have that talk w/ him tonite about us, just to ask a couple of questions. Being that I asked him to leave & he won't, but is not trying to work on us either I dont' understand what is the purpose of us living under the same roof? I can't really say I am in plan B since he won't leave, so I am totally in limbo land right now & I hate it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


Albany, I am glad to hear H is sounding a bit more positive, I didnt' mean to be harsh yesterday & I hope you don't think I was, I am so annoyed in my own situation & your H was sounding a lot like mine so if I was telling you what to do, I didn't mean to, I am also very annoyed with myself right now & hate feeling trapped like this. If I had no love left for him at all it would be so easy to change the locks, let him call the police & whatever happened from there oh well.

So Sunny how are you, any good new to report I hope?????

I'm feeling better. I go to the doc tomorrow and they are doing some xrays to make sure my lung is clearing up. I am so tired of coughing. My sides even hurt from it. The insurance co called and my car thing will be settled by the end of the week so I can start looking for another car. I need my ride!. H been really sweet and stuff. He's been at home doing honey do's and helping me w/ D. He's also been cooking cause I'm just so tired and don't feel good. Hasn't metioned the OW or the OC anymore. I'm really at a lost. I don't know which way I'm going yet and don't know what I'm going to do. A friend asked me yesterday what was I scared of? So I've been thinking about it. I think most of all I am scared of letting my D down again. She has been so happy to have us together, and now I'm thinking about going to plan b and leaving again. She's too young to try and explain things to, and yep mom's the bad person again. She see's us getting along and see's us as being happy. She doesn't know Dad is still in contact w/ OW and there is OC on the way. How do I explain all of this ? Last friday when she was at work w/ me she drew a picture and put it on my desk. It was her mom and dad holding hands w/ smiles and they are happy. I felt ike faxing it to the OW and tell her that her name was ***** and she loves her mom and dad being together she is ()age and she does this and that just so she would know something about the person's life she was distroying. Because she would be very upset if her parents aren't together. But she wouldn't give a [censored]. It would only make her get a nut that she gets to me. She's never cared about a childs life anyway. Not hers, not mine, not the one on the way. Just what ever makes her happy. On our next Voodoo talk I will ask H how can he communicate w/ a person that wants to tear up our D life ? He should be wanting to protect her, you would think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I really just feel like screaming! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I'm having lunch w/ H and I'm going to make a copy of the picture so he can have one, to remind him why we are doing all of this for. She's not he only reason, but she is one of them. If it hadn't been for her I wouldn't even be here. If I didn't have her I would be a a beach somewhere finding myself. lol <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I really don't know whats up w/ these men that are just in limbo. I think its like KT said, we are letting them do this so why not. Its really hard to just so OK thats it and go on w. our lives when we have tried so hard, (year?) to make things different. I did read the cakeman art. on the TOW . Most of the men seam this way. But maybe its because we let them. I pray that god gives us the strength to do what we need to do to get off this roller coaster ride soon. I know ya'll are as tired and scared as I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Sunny,

I hope the pic wakes your H up too. And you are right OW would give less than a damn about hurting your D, most of them only care about themselves, that is why they get pg. in the first place thinking & hoping it will get them someone elses H.

I hope you are feeling better soon. I have asthma so I know a bit about lung problems, no fun at all. I also suffer from common migraines so H was asking if I had a headache today, only cuz he wanted something from me I am sure. I wish I felt like just running away, a part of me does, I have prayed that God would take the love for H out of my heart so I could move on, maybe that is not his will. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Well if we all end up on plan b then we should get together and take a cruise!!! The boats leave from the same spots, we can just go and do something for ourselves and all the stress we have been though. Had lunch w/ H and he was plesant. We are taking a trip in about 2 weeks so we where making plans for that. He's getting where he's not carrying his phone? I don't know if thats good or bad. Maybe he's not wanting to talk to her and keeps it off. Don't know. He needs to be changing. I've made several commints to his sis and to several close friends that I was tired of them talking. So maybe its sinking in to his head. I told them I was ready to walk if contact continues. Same thing I've told him, but maybe hearing it from someone else might hit him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> There needs to be a reality drug to wake these guys up. Its almost like they don't want to totally commit to anything. I think its the way they are raised. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I bet they are all around the same age! Mine is 35. Hope everyone has a good night.

I am ready to go, where are we headed!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Glad H seems to be see the lite! Mine H is 36 going on 3. That is what I get for marrying a younger man, they never grow up or catch up I should say.

The cell phone being off is a good sign for sure, hopefully the start of many more good signs to come. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let's go for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sun would be so nice.

My H is almost 29--I'm 28. Haven't heard from H today--but he is very busy at work today--the phone call last night was interesting--did I mention that before??--he says he is really thnking about us--hope he sees light again--he saw it before and we were recovering--then OW says she is pregnant.

Sunnydale glad to hear it is going well for you--Babygirl don't give up.

It stopped raining here--what states do you guys live in?? I live in Oregon.

Remember not to LB

Can either of you get into private board I emailed but still can't get in and haven't heard anything.

Albany

Hey Albany,

I thought you were upset w/ me, I am so glad your not!

I live in upstate New York, the weather is trying to slowly turn around, been raining & cold.

I desparately need a vacation, have needed one since July 14, 2002, but can't afford it now.

I am definitely going to ask H at least 1 question tonite, very calmly of course w/ no LBing. I want to know what he wants to accomplish between us going into year 2 of our "reunion" knowing that I am ready to live apart again. Since he never responded to my plan B ltr. he should at least be able to tell me something other than "I don't want to argue." That is all I hear too Albany.

I am trying not to give up & I am also trying not to try - make any sense.

Hope you get some good news tonite from H.

OT:
Hey albany, I DREAM of moving to OR!!!!!

I live down south of you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> (where it's nice and sunny)

My aunt lives in/aroudn Salem. Just had to mention that.

I live in Albany-20 min. south of Salem.

This past week or so we had been blessed with beautiful weather--84 on Easter.

bbyg93--not mad--same as you just trying to care but not to show it and acting as if I'm not trying--throws them for a whirl.

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">same as you just trying to care but not to show it and acting as if I'm not trying--throws them for a whirl. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A fine line to walk ain't it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm having a ball how about you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Ain't it FUN <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

It is such a hard thing!!!

Have a great night--I'll give you gals any update in the morning.

Albany

Hey girls, when does the ship leave? I would love some sun, fun, and no stress!! I could just imagine my H's face when I tell him he has to watch the kids 24/7 while I sail off into the sunset.

My H will be 35 in June. I thought about the age thing before. Before A, H would talk about wanting more out of life, blah, blah. Its like they get to an age where they have a career and family and then they get bored. They don't want to settle down, they want to continue to have fun. Just a thought.

I live in sunny Indiana - at least it was sunny today. Yesterday was cloudy and 40's. Spring in the midwest - one day cold, the next day warm. I can't wait for summer.

Last night I had one of those nights when hearing the wrong song on the radio just sets the tears off. Anyway, H made some comments about OC this morning, just in conversation that really hurt. I know he didn't mean it, but yet it does hurt. I know he is excited about being a dad again, which I would expect, but he just doesn't always think about how this effects me or how this will effect our kids once they know. That, on top of a grouchy boss, I had a real fun night and day today.

When I got home, H apologized for comments. He said he didn't mean to hurt me, he just wasn't thinking. I believe him. I told him that I didn't want him to be afraid about talking to me about what he is feeling, but he needs to take my feelings into consideration also.

H has Friday night off and I asked him if he wanted to have a date night. Said he would let me know. I just get so scared at the thought of getting hurt all over again. I know we need to spend time together, and I know what I want to happen, but I am afraid of the lies and mistrust and all that crap. I want to get close, but am afraid too. I don't trust myself to make the right decisions at time, and I don't trust him with my heart, even though I could very easily give it to him. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I read a devotion last night that made me feel better. I find myself getting very impatient because I don't see any progress in my relationship with H, which I know we are all feeling. I just keep thinking why can't God just give me some kind of sign that H is turning his life around. I was getting a little frustrated. Anyway this devotion talked about trusting God and that we don't have to see to believe. It talked about walking by faith and not by sight. I guess it was basically saying to trust God and to stop doubting. Even though we don't see the changes, they are happening. It meant alot to me.

I keep thinking of all of you. Keep the faith.

God Bless,
Kris

Well I guess I'm the baby of the bunch as far as age goes.

Would just love to get away--last real vacation (meaning getting away) I had was a week of President's week Feb. 2003--My parents and H & I and a few frriends went to Yellowstone and stayed at the lodge for a week and went snowmobiling--it was awesome.

Just poking around the house tonight--loaded ran dishwasher, started load of laundry, picked up sons room and kitchen and next I need to pick up our great room because we have a lady that cleans for us every other Thursday for about 4 hours and she is coming tomorrow--makes me pick up because I want her to just be able to clean and not pick up and clean around things--don't get me wrong I still have to clean some--especially vacuum-a couple of times a week etc.

I hope it doesn't rain here in Western Oregon this weekend because I bought a whole bunch of bulbs on closeout that I would love to get them in the ground--glads, liatris, and lilies--have about 200 to plant--guess my eyes were pretty big that day I bought all of them. We have only been at this house for 2 years and I still have a lot to do in the yard--just adding flowers etc--big back yard we live on a little over 1/2 acre.

Okay so we will all have good nights tonight--I pray we do and I expect to hear from you all in the morning.

I always check MB every 1/2 hr. or so while I'm working.

Smile
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Albany

Yep, must be the age! I thought maybe 7 year itch, but we are all over 7 yrs. Maybe the 11 year itch. I'm in TN. Snow for easter! Yeh, But today was nice and it's getting warmer. I'm really glad that I have ya'll to talk to. It makes things seem better or at least some kind of hope. I had my friend tel me yesterday What are you staying for? I ask myself that several times in a day. i think H can tell the difference in me since the Its a boy conversation. I just don't want it not to work in a year or so and he throw up in my face You made me miss this and that. I don't think he will. i really think and feel that he wants to be here. And I don't think I have ever thought O could love someone this much to put up w/ this crap. Trust is a hard thing to get back and I am trying to do it. Well my car is officially paid off today. I can start looking for another one. I really hate shopping for a car. I'm glad everyone is having a decent week so far. I don't know what I will do when we go out of town and I don't have a computer. We wont be alone, so we cant do much talking about us, but we should have a good time w/ our friends and stuff. We are always going somewhere. Which I guess is good. But I would like 2 or 3 days of us, so we can talk about things and my and his feelings. It will come. Well I'm going to the doc tomorrow wish me luck. My lung which I've already lost a 1/3 of is acting up. So I hope I dont get the streroids. I hate those things. Talk about eat! I think alot of it is stress and not resting but I have meds to help me do it, Ijust don't like taking them either. Well good night and I hope no one is LBing tonight. As the oldies say BREATHE! Easier said than done. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And I still would love for all of us to get on a boat and give the kids to them for 24-7 for awhile and they would see why we get stressed! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Havent heard from the private board either. Maybe we will soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hey Kris,

So glad to hear from you, I was gonna start a new thread asking about you.

I know it is so scary asking for "a date" I am still doing it or at least was & my H is home! Even times when we are intimate I have told him that my head wants to be with him but the cost is too high for my heart.

I hope all goes well for you & that he will refrain from making comments about OC. You don't need to hear that now. All conversations should be about the 2 of you, your M & your family.

I read a really good devotional this morning from Pastor Doreen, I hope you saw it, it talked about how God has kept the love alive for your spouse even after all they have put you through & how we should trust God not man to keep you through this trial in your M. I have prayed for that love to go away, cuz it hurts too much.

I gave my H an ultimate this morning by phone, he wouldn't answer, if he is not going to cut contact w/ OW & start working on our M I want him to leave & I mean it I am miserable & cry all the time, my mind is on this constantly & he walks around as if he doesn't have a care in the world other than hisself & OC.

So we will see what this evening brings, he hasn't called me back, he won't, doesn't want to deal with it, well he is gonna have to. I am soooooo tired.

BBYG93--wish it was going a bit better for you but it doesn't sound all bad so I will keep thinking positive thoughts for you.

Sunnydale--things sound up for you. No LBing.

KrisM--the whole asking for a date would scare me--rejection is hard and I usually protect my heart from it--my H says I never start things with us and it is because I don't want rejection.

Talked to H last night--he was really bummed about a few things at his work--too long to explain--anyway I was understanding but i didn't act overly concerned abut it--he was very neg. about it but I didn't throw it at him that he was being neg.--you know it as only me who is neg. according to him--really had to bit my lip on all that.

He called me before I left for work--wanted to know if he could come over and take a shower--they lost all power at his apt. complex--I said fine but don't forget that the housecleaner is coming.

He arrived before I left for work--I asked if he wanted to take our son to daycare today--H is workign graveyard tonight--he said he would rather me because he was going to sleep at our house after his shower if that was okay and not back to his apt. right away(it is near son's daycare)--I reminded him she would be cleaning today and he said fine and I suppose he is their right now--tis all I know for now--think positive for me.

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">wish it was going a bit better for you but it doesn't sound all bad so I will keep thinking positive thoughts for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Albany,

Thanks for the positive thoughts & prayers but what part doesn't sound all bad? I know I am running the risk of losing him 4ever if he leaves, but I feel as if I don't really have him now anyway. He says he doesn't want to give up, that he still loves me etc. but action speaks louder than words any day in the week. He spends no time w/ me, claims he is not w/ OW & OC as much as I think, he is either bowling, throwing darts or talking w/ him mom every evening til late at nite, & the weekends forget it - always gone, where & with who?

Again I thank you for being in my corner but the towel is in my hand & I am about to throw it in.

Hope your evening goes well & your weekend is even better.