BG93 - Just a thought - a while ago my H told me he had trouble spending time with me because every time he sees me he is reminded of all the pain he has caused me. Could your H be going through the same thing? From what you say, I think he still loves you and wants to stay married to you. Maybe its a guilt issue. Sometimes it is just easier to avoid a problem, then to try to work on it.

As a matter of fact, my H told me that just a little while ago. He says that he is afraid that he has done too much damage to repair M (even though I constantly am saying it is fixable) and he feels that it may take too much work to fix it. I still don't know what my H is thinking. He told me tonight that he talked to OW last night. She says the only contact between them will be concerning OC. She wants nothing more to do with him, unless he gets a D. Which H seems to indicate that he doesn't want right now. He seems to be seeing a different side to OW, and I think it has got him thinking. Yet I don't know if he is ready to commit to us either. I am still in limbo.

What has got me even more worried is H and OW want to handle all of OC issues themselves, without a lawyer. Says she won't get nasty unless he doesn't pay. Says at first, H can come visit OC at her house - she is afraid that I will resent the OC. I still question paternity, but that is not my call to make. If H wants to trust OW that this is his child, then what can I do? I just wish he would at least talk to a lawyer and get some info. Says he can't afford one, but I think he can't afford not to have one.

Talk to you later.
Kris

Kris, he needs to get a lawyer! Just ask KT. After 4 yrs of not anting anything then all of the sudden you owe the OW big time! tell him he needs to protect you and your children first and formost. Thats what I told my H. We haven't went yet but he assures me that before the OC is born we will. This house is not putting any money out unless he goes though a lawyer. And he knows I'm not coming off of that. I don't trust her and I told him he trusted her once and look where it got him. She wanted the child and was going to get it one way or the other. So who can't be trusted? Men are so green! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If they could open their eyes and see these OW for what they are. Good luck. And you may be right about the pain issue. But like I told my H, do you want to live in the past? Or do you want a future with the person, before God, you chose to have a future with. Good Luck and I will say a prayer for you tonight! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Sunny for advice. H and I only talked briefly tonight. Believe me, I am not going to let the lawyer thing slide by. However, at this point, I am not even sure he wants to stay married, so I am going to concentrate on that. We have some time before OC arrives in Sept., so the lawyer issue will not be dropped, just sidelined a while.

BG93 - So how did things go with your H? How did he react to your ultimatum? I hope things are well with you tonight. I am a little worried because you haven't posted tonight. Hopefully, you are having a good talk with your H.

As always, you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

God Bless,
Kris

Yesterday H gave me 500 cash--it came from a vehicle we sold--the rest of the cash is to payoff some tax thing--anyway he said us it for whatever--I had told him it cost us 237 to get taxes done and our cell bill was 280--he only uses cell--doesn't have real phone at apt.

So this wipes out the 500 and I hae other bills to pay and my check won't cover everything--power, phone, cable, water, car ins. for both of us, his sears card, his visa etc. and now I'm concerned about asking for some of his paycheck--he has been a little funny about money this time.

Last summer & fall when he didn't live at home he still had his check go DD into our joint acct. and then I paid all the bills and gave him check for his apt. rent and then he used his debit from that acct. This time he set up own acct. and that's where his check goes.

He typically asks where all the money goes ad then I show him and he doesn't have much to say because I have wasted it--just paid bills and bought groceries and then he doesn't have much to say.

Anyway I just don't want to make a fight but he needs to know what is still left to pay. I think I will write down all the bills that need to be paid and then add up my check and the 500 he gave me and let him see what all is left.

Then I guess just ask him how he wants to handle it.

Albany

HIS cell phone, HIS sears card, HIS visa???? Hello...there's no need to ask him for $$$$$$ just give H HIS bills. Seems pretty simple.

What is there to fight about? How can he fight over HIS bills?

Give them to him and have him notify the billing parties of his 'change of address'. IF you do pay the bill this month then make SURE you fill out the change of address portion on the statements so that the bills go to him from now on!!

Why are you still taking care of these things anyway? HE wants to be on his own so let him-YOU are NOT his accountant.

Give the man the space HE wants. Let him be a grown up in ALL aspects, including finances.

ALSO, this is a good reminder about filing for a legal separation and getting CS and alimony if you want, in place NOW. There is no reason NOT to do this. Then you don't have to 'ask' him about $$$ ever, it is automatically there.

Hey Kris,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> a while ago my H told me he had trouble spending time with me because every time he sees me he is reminded of all the pain he has caused me. Could your H be going through the same thing? From what you say, I think he still loves you and wants to stay married to you. Maybe its a guilt issue. Sometimes it is just easier to avoid a problem, then to try to work on it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish that was his problem, my H is so deep in a fog of pride, I dont know if he will ever come out. I think maybe deep down he fills guilt, shame, over A & OC. but he has not truly taking ownership of his acitons, he blames me for the A & says it would never have happened if we had a baby of our own. Well I see that as a pretty convenient excuse. We had other problems beside that though, I see now that I have control issues, & I tried to run the show instead of letting him be the head of the household the way God intended. Not having a baby with him was selfish on my part. I admit & take full responsibility for my actions & whatever part they played in the current situation coming to pass but I will NOT take the blame for him chosing to stray outside of our M & to produce OC.
Does he love me? I believe he does still on some level cuz he came back to me when he didn't have to, why is the real reason he is still with me, only God knows. As for my "ultimatum" he still proclaims he loves me & doesn't want to give up on us, same ol- story different day. I asked him what he wants, other than not to argue, his reply was he wants me to stop holding the A over his head & talking about it all the time. If he would take care of visitation & cut contact w/ OW other than when it is necessary things would change tremendously -but he feels he doesn't have to do that right now so we are at a stalemate I guess. I am not backing down anymore on this. he has had more than enough time to straighten the situation out.

Sorry to ramble, Kris your H need to get a lawyer involved, like Sunny & KT have said you should have CS set up for your kids as well, who can predict what OW will do in the future, she obvioulsly wanted your H so she is not happy about him still being your H whether he lives with you or not. I wouldn't trust her to not flip out when she realizes he is not gonna be with her & decides to hurt him the only way she can - in the pocket. I believe your H has many guilt issues about how the A & OC on the way have hurt you, but I still think it is a lame excuse to use to avoid spending time. Hopefully he won't continue to do that.

Oh what patient saints we have to be! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Albany,

I agree w/ KT, why should you be stressing out w/ all the financial crap that he had a share in making?

H & I had it out about $ too last nite, he is not pulling his weight financially & seems to think it is ok for me to take up the slack, cuz he is trying. Well it is not!

It is also not fair to you to worry about his bills being paid. Taking care of your bills goes alond with having your SPACE.

His bills still come to our house he doesn't have a new address--convenient to keep them coming to our address--the cell phone bill is actually in my name and my phone is about 60 of the total bill.

I have tried to get up to take the steps all the way out but he won't just like Babygirl93's H won't.

We'll see later today when I bring the subject--I probably bring it up until Saturday -he is working tonight and probably won't have enough time to talk about it and I just may not feel like talking about it today.

Albany

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have tried to get up to take the steps all the way out but he won't just like Babygirl93's H won't. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your H won't what?

My H got a PO box for a time while he lived in "fantasy land" w/ OW. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk about it, you get tired of having the same conversation especially when nothing is resolved or they are acting funny. You just get TIRED! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I have tried to get him to step all the way out--move all of stuff etc. but he doesn't want too and I would think that if you were done you would--but I don't think he is done by his actions.

I just don't like to have to deal with it and explain to him where the money goes--he knows I'm a tightwad and it hurts me that he sayd that because he knows he can trust me--I would never cheat steal etc from him--and then because it hurts me then I get mad and then I LB.

Albany

Oh I see what you mean now, it is the game, the hold out, the way to keep US hanging in there. You know if he gets all his stuff out, it is saying his done w you & your M so to speak, he isn't that is why he wont' make that final move.

$ is always a touchy subject it seems, even more so when there is not enough or you are not living under the same roof & need help from H. Did one situation, now living the other.

Well at least it is Friday! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

EXACTLY

DOESN'T WANT TO BE ALL THE WAY DONE.


These things all add to him not being done even though he says he is. I talked to him about the money and he was totally fine and going to give me money--didn't have problem.

Albany

Doesn't it totally make you wanna scream!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Must be nice to be in the position where you know someone loves you, ants to work on your problems & try & save your marriage, while you take your sweet time deciding what YOU want to do. Oblivious to the hurt, frustration, anger, pain etc. you are causing your spouse to endure.

Selfish, selfish, selfish.

When my H moved out last march I changed his address for him on the computer. Go under US post office and it cost 1.00. And you can also change accounts thought the computer. Funny when he was gone I could keep track w/ the bills that he was paying and make sure they where on time. It was my credit too. I still say it was the way these guys where rasied. Guys now think its ok for the woman to support them. I like to work to help! So we can have nice things. But the more you make the more you spend. My H freaked because my car the insurance paid it off. I told him I didn't want a new one. I was going to find something I could pay cash for and be done w/ it. I'm not about the material new crap. Get me from a to b and I don't have to work on it and pay a note, thats what I am screaming. Hope everone has a good weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think this is directed to Kris, you said that your H said he feels so guilty ect. blah blah blah. and that maybe it can never be repaired.

Well, my H was the same way--for a time. It sucked because while I was the one who really needed the assurance of love and devotion because of HIS betrayal......I still had to be the one to reassure him that I did forgive and love him and would not go anywhere.
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I have kept "diaries" since I was 12 years old....so funny thing is that I can look back in my journals and see what was going on in our lives before, during and after A.

Interestingly enough, AFTER the A, when H had made the "choice" to stay w/ me and I didn't even know there had been an A or pg, he was treating me even WORSE than during the A. Didn't look like someone who CHOSE to be married and 'work' on the relationship. Looking back now, I think he was very depressed. He had lost his job too and things were extrememly stressful PLUS this BIG hidden secret of his was probably, literally, eating him alive.

Then when it all (really only part of it) came out H just wanted me to 'get over it' and if I can't then maybe we shouldn't get back together!. All these years later when the real truth came out--he said quite often that, "maybe the damage is just too much and irrepairable and we will never get through this'. I thought that too sometimes, you guys know that.

The point of my rambling is that I think there are normal stages that couples go through to deal w/ and get through this. Guilt is a major one and no one wants to be reminded of this awful thing they did and having OC makes it even worse because it's always there, in your face. But time really does heal all wounds.

Finally, I just had to face the fact and remind my H that there was NOTHING he could do to make us 'even' or make it up to me BUT that was OK, I still forgive him! I would still love him anyway and was here for the long haul.

It takes time for them to receive that forgiveness that they KNOW they do not deserve. But, do any of us? Do we deserve the forgiveness our Heavenly Saviour has so willingly offered us? HECK no! But it's there anyway.

All this is normal, I think. I think this because I am seeing it over and over again around here and in my own life.
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You mentioned wanting to ask your H out for a date night right? HElllooooo go for it!!!!! That is exactly what you all need. Sometimes we forget that part of "working" on our relationships is having FUN together. You don't have to discuss important issues all the time.

BE YOUR H GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!! WE all forgot that @ some point and became something else, something boring and "old" and non-romantic!!!!! Step-up for the person you really are and the lovely wives you all are! Put on your make-up, show a little skin (hey flaunt what you got! use it or lose it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) buy some new undies (or none! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )whatever, go out and have FUN!!!!!

scared of rejection????? Don't be, H are too and they don't give up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> And anyway, H love when wives intitiate "things", makes em feel good! Who doesn't feel good to be wanted?

You guys can get through this. How about you all have nothing but FUN w/ your H this weekend. Don't worry, the problems will still be there Monday morning so why not enjoy this weekend, it will never be here again.

It's my b-day tomorrow so you can all go and celebrate in MY honor!!!! A virtual b-day party. My gift to you? ENJOY YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!!

This may sound funny but I am TOTALLY SERIOUS!!!!!

Take a break from the misery and madness and start to make some new GOOD memories. You have to replace all these sad memories w/ new good ones.

Afraid of being used? in what way? If you are having fun and enjoying yourself how are you being used? Maybe you are "using" your H to make your self feel good and have fun!!!!!!

Just do it. What can it hurt?

Thanks kt!! You are so right as usual. I read your post last night. H had decided instead of a date, we would cook out and rent some movies and spend time as a family. It was a nice relaxing evening. We watched the first movie w/ kids and then sent them off to bed. H and I then had some alone time. It was so nice.

I sincerely hope you are right that my H is just going through one of the stages of recovering from this mess. It seems that he is changing in ways, more receptive to talking and spending time together. I just hope that he moves home soon so that we can really concentrate on us. But I am trying to stay patient. I know I can't push him into making the decision to come home. He has to do that of his own free will. I will just keep being supportive and loving and we will see what happens. Last night was wonderful. I just hope it leads to more.

Anyway, wanted to let you know that at least Friday night was good here. I hope you have a great birthday.

Talk to you all soon.
God Bless,
Kris

Hey everyone ! I hope your weekends went well. Me and H went to our cabin. Some really good friends ended up going w/ us and we all had a great time. We spent most of the time doing yard work and eating, but we still had a good time. H is doing really good lately. I havent seen any calls from the OW and we are living like she doesn't bother us anymore. I know, I will just enjoy it while I can! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Because I know she will be bothering us again. Our friends took my H to the side and talked to him about it. They told him about the attorney and not doing anything until we got everything taken care of thought the attorney. I get my car tonight! Yea! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This one car thing is driving me crazy. We have planned a trip and leaving thrusday AM and get home Monday. I need a lap top so bad. I will miss all of you and hope everyone is on thier way to better days, no matter what. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I'm taking KT and Lynns advice, live, love and have fun! I like being the girlfriend ! And letting him buy me things and call because he misses me. I think the fog is trying to lift, but not totally sure yet. He told my friend that he still thinks I may leave. He said he just didn't know what he would do. He said he was so afraid of loosing me and D. He knows if it doesn't work I am moving out of state. I think that scares him. Plus I told him I didn't want to be his "friend" if it didn't work, he would just be my EX and my D dad. I think he is also thinking about the commit I made about OW trying to tear our D life apart. I don't think he really thought of it that way. How can someone say that they love you and want to hurt someone so close to you? I guess when you dont have any
pride or self respect for yourself, it doesn't matter. Oh and my GF told him he couldn't expect me to be happy that the OC is on its way and going to be a boy. (Still don't beleive that) I think she told him that because she knows thats what he wants to hear. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Happy monday to everyone and hope to hear good news from BBG93, Albany and Kris !

Hello All,

KT happy belated B'day!!! Hope it was a blessed day for you.

Kris, so happy to hear you had a great date weekend! Sounds like things are looking up & the fog is lifting a bit. Keep doing what your doing, Plan A to the max!

Sunny,

Glad you had a great weekend & you have supportive friends in your life you help H see the light, it is so amazing that sometimes it H's will listen someone else say the same thing you have been saying all along.

Albany, how was your weekend?

Mine was ok, I had a lot of fun w/ friends & my goddaughter, not much w/ H. He is determined to do this his way at my expense, will not listen to anything I try to tell him or ask him. We are supposed to write out a "contract" stating what needs we both have & changes we want each other to make. I am really in give up mode & feel like even if this contract is written down he won't honor it. Just another waste of time I think.

BBG93 can't be giving up. Keep praying and you do what he asked and maybe he will stick to what he said he would do. I would put things that a good also, like love the way you do this, or that. Don't make it all neg. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He could take the all neg and say, your just being neg ect. So for every neg put a positive, or at least try to. Sometimes they have more neg's going than pos. And so do we. Try not to let your brain run away w/ you when he's not around. I have a really bad problem w/ that. I know it will take a LONG time before, if ever, I quit that. I wishing everyone a good week and I will be keeping ya'll in my prayers.

KT- Happy B-Day !! Another year wiser, I hope. LOL

See ya <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep praying and you do what he asked and maybe he will stick to what he said he would do. I would put things that a good also, like love the way you do this, or that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sunny - it is really sad to say this but there are no positives to speak of, not since he came back home, I have put up with a lot of s*%! since last April & he seems to think there is no end to what I will deal with just to have him in my life.

I am sure he does lots of positive things for OC & OW, but not me. So at this point he can continue to do them, but why should I have to know about it and live thru it?