Hey Albany,

Your evening sounded very good. I know how frustrating it can be to have your H in the house & he leaves to go sleep somewhere else. Keep being paitient & no LBing. Sound like you are on the road to recovery! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Try not to read to much into H's actions or lack of them. Fogland, I guess.

Thanks for your prayers. I truly have no clue what will happen now, but I am ready for him to leave if he can't commit to working on our M. I have been praying too, but I know God doesn't want me to live like this, I am to have life & have it more abundantly!

KT,

He doesn't want me going thru his things, cuz he has stuff to hide, still leading a double life. Why did he come home to me? Excellent question, I think OW threw him out, got tired of him telling her he was coming home. I asked why he doesn't go back to her & have his little fake family - of course I get no answer that makes any sense at all, usually a question back instead of an answer.

OC is 18 months way old enough to be w/ daddy & me. It is OW being a pill & H being a wimp & doing what she dictates. For the past couple of weeks he has backed out of a date w/ me w/ very flimsy reasons or none at all. Then he has the nerve to accuse me of cheating on him! We didn't discuss his contract at all, he told me had wrote it at 1:00 a.m., so I didn't read it til this morning. Bending on the court house issue is risky to me cuz it goes back to him setting up visitation w/ OW at our home & she is not having it. I don't know whether she still wants him but I know she is bound & determined to break us up & he is allowing her to do it.

I am still working on my contract, I see your point about counter acting his list but I don't know if that will work, H has this injured party attitude going on. I am the "bad guy" here so I should act accordingly & not rock the boat the fake family is sailing in.

I am glad I have you guys to vent to. I will get thru this, I know it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KT,

P.S.
I did Plan A for maybe 2 weeks, by the time I found out about it things had gone way out of control. I am sure it wasn't long enough but so many things had been established such as visiting OC at OW' apt. I was just too hard for me not to LB, & all the rest of what Plan A says not to do.

So I wrote the Plan B ltr. 2 weeks ago cuz I don't have a whole lot of love left for him, he is killing it daily, I have told him that.

He won't leave, won't act right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Babygirl93

Who's house is it--yours together???

Can you and your son move out to apt or with relatives and make it done or move on that way???

Just trying to find out all options.

Can you pack up his stuff and say move it out unless you are working on this M??

Albany

Albany,

The house is mine & mine alone. So no way I am leaving. I was told plus know for a fact that since the house is H's legal residence I cannot put him out. That is why I say I am trapped & can't do anything legally until I file for D & I can't do that unitl Aug.

So if he refuses to cooperate I can make it so uncomfortable that he leaves on his own, hate to go thru those changes but he may leave me no choice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

BBG93. I would do like the others said. Start living for you then. If money is tight then just go to a friends, don't be home waiting on him ! He knows your going to do that. Go have dinner w/ someone (not a man) Churches have like a divorce class, or singles class and I know they do alot of things. I know mine does. My H freaked when he heard I was in a singles class. There where mainly women, but what he didn't know didn't hurt. He just knew I was willing and ready to get on w/ my life. Even if you have to just start going to the park and walking. GET OUT OF THE HOUSE ! You sitting at the house letting your brain take over is not good. Been there, done that. Don't confront him, don't ask him, don't have time for him. I think he thinks your not going anywhere because of the money issue. Let him pay for his stuff. Don't pay for any of his stuff. He hasn't taken the caring wife route, so lets see how he does on the I"M TIRED route. I really feel for you. I know you are hurting SOOO much and I will keep you in my prayers. And wish you luck. If its your home then don't leave. Save your money and do what you have to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Sunny

That is exactly the plan, save my money & do what I have to do. I wrote my contract, will give it to him tonite, he can sign or not, doesn't matter - this is my LAST effort. Even if he does sign I don't expect him to honor it, that is a bad sign I know & if he does do that it's over, not dealing with anymore broken promises or should it just call them what they are LIES.

Definitely no more sitting at home waiting for him, that is why he thinks I cheating on him now, not home all the time like I used to be. Going out w/ friends this evening matter of fact. No more limbo land for me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, I did go out last nite had a good time. When H got in he said he would read the contract tomorrow, gave no specific reason why the delay. Of course I told him he was only prolonging the envitable. So once again nothing accomplished or resolved. He can't run from it 4ever. It is strange I am finding some peace though even now, cuz no matter what becomes of my M, I am blessed & God will take care of me single or Married I know & trust that.

I have CTS, carpal tunnal syndrome, & today I am getting HydroC shots in both my hands so I won't be on the computer again til Monday after today. I hope all you lades have a great rest of the week & an even better weekend. I will be praying for you all Sunny, Albany, Kris & KT you all will never know how much it has helped me to share & talk with you all. Even if I end up on Divorced/Divorcing section I will still want to keep up with you guys you have all added to my life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry I haven't kept you guys updated very well lately.

Want to hear from you guys.

Things are going well H has said that he doesn't know what he wants--I think I mentioned that and don't think that he will be flinging the I'm done thing around so much--I said I can handle you don't know but I don't handle I'm done when your actions do not match that--and I blow my top and then it usually leads to me LBing.

He has spent a lot of time at our house. Calls a lot. Called me Saturday morning at 6:30 am after he got of graveyard to say that he would come over in the afternoon and then he showed up at 9:00am and i asked why and he said because he did his laundry instead of going to bed and just thought he would come over--he slept mainly--he had to work graveyard again Saturday night. Saturday night he said he would come over Sunday afternoon after sleeping and at 7:30am Sunday he arrived and I asked why and he said so he wouldn't sleep the whole day away and he spent most of the day with us.

He spent alot of time on Thursday calling me and apologizing--I had to see OW and her mom on Thursday-ran into them in town--really ruined my day--I can't stand her--I know she got pregnant on purpose and I hate her for that--what she has done by choosing to bring a child into this and by what she did to H knowing he not child with her and what she has done to my family.

He just kept saying he was sorry that it ruined my day etc. and he hoped I wasn't mad at him--why he so worried about all that--must care I think more than he lets on.

Last night he and I were annoyed at each other and he said he was done and I said think you had better check and see if you are just saying that since you are angry--I said shouldn't be taken lightly--saying that and he you are right I don't know what I want and I shouldn't have said that.

Beautiful weather this weekend--I planted a lot of herbs and worked outside--now I want to start painting the great room like I had planned.

Anyway sorry I haven't wrote much I have just been worn out and haven't had much energy lately relive all this as I do when I write it--especailly the OW seeing her--She is definately pregnant. It really wonder if I can cope--I was so full of hate after I saw her and I don't really know if I'm strong enough to cope with her--part of me says to walk away--I guess I sorta feel like giving up. It's been so long and I'm grateful that things are going well right now but it takes so much out of me not make to much of it and get to attached to the good times since it may not last since he doesn't know what he wants.

Okay and yes we have been intimate but I just want to be fully wanted and needed by him and right now I'm not and maybe it just seems worse this week because it is that time of the month and emotions are running high.

I don't know why I'm rambling about wanting to be done because ultimately I want it to work but I'm so tired and empty of being loved.

Albany

Albany, what did you do when you saw OW? Did you just "see" her or were you like face to face w/ her? DId she say anything to you? ohhhhhhh! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> IF I had some unexpected meeting like that.....arghhh!

Did you just see her in passing or something and act like you didn't?

That is a good sign that H is spending so much time @ your place. The intimacy is good, you are married <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> , not like YOU're doing anything wrong there.

I think he may be close to realizing that he might as well just move right back in and then........true/more recovery and healing can begin.

YAy! for you!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Albany,

I am glad you had a resonably good end of the week & weekend.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">especailly the OW seeing her--She is definately pregnant. It really wonder if I can cope--I was so full of hate after I saw her and I don't really know if I'm strong enough to cope with her--part of me says to walk away--I guess I sorta feel like giving up. It's been so long and I'm grateful that things are going well right now but it takes so much out of me not make to much of it and get to attached to the good times since it may not last since he doesn't know what he wants. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know it is really really hard to see OW, I didn't see mine pg. but I can imagine it would have hurt like hell. Try not to let the hatred consume you, easier said than done I know but it takes up too much of your energy & you need it all for yourself & especially your son, (hope I remembered that correctly). Ok H says he doesn't know what he wants - fog? What do YOU want??? Can you keep doing a sound plan A until he figures out what is in his heart, even if it lasts throughout OW's pg. & maybe beyond. It certainly sounds like he doesn't want to lose you & your family & he is not very happy w/ OW at all & hates the thought of you seeing her causing you pain, you can take some comfort in that. The lonliness is so hard to deal with, watching him leave to go live elsewhere when he should be home w/ you.

Try to stay focused, & have patience is all I can say, at least your H is trying & communicating, that is worth something. A whole lot of something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks you guys--Yeah--seems like if he didn't care about me very much he wouldn't care how I felt about seeing OW. Also doesn't seem like he would be spending so much time me and son. He just gets defensive and withdraws if I ask too many wuestions about what he is doing where he is going etc--too much pressure I guess.

Seeing OW sucked--saw them at Costco parking lot--not sure if they saw me--funny thing is that H saw them next day in mall parking lot--he says they disgust him but that is it--says he has not feeling for them--he saw OW her mom and her Mom's husband which use to be one of my H's ex boss's. Ex-boss waved he returned the wave--OW and mom just smirked at him.

Went to Ob office for annual--saw all these pregnant women really hurt-wanted to be pregnant about now with second child--really didn't realize how much that bothered me until Friday.

Babygirl tell me about your weekend

KT--we are having excellent weather in western Oregon--green and beautiful with spring flowers.

Albany

okay so tell me why I feel like giving up now that things are going better--I don't want it to be over with us--and our marraige but I'm thinking it is just because I want this mess to be over--maybe it has finally gotten the best of me.

any thoughts??? words of encouragement???

Albany

It hasn't gotten the best of you. Hang in there.

You are just tired is all and being emotionally upset (like seeing pg OW) will wear you out physically which then makes you weak mentally. Unless you've been there, no one can understand how draining this all is on the psyche and the physical body. Plus you did say you might be hormonal so that would add to the extra emotional part.

The hate and anger will go away, I think seeing OW probably had to bring up some emotions and feelings in you that you hadn't had to deal w/ yet because you were focused on H right now and getting him back home. Which is fine, stay focused on that. Don't give OW another thought. She is nothing to you.

I understand about wanting to be pg again. I thought we were finally ready to grow our family and get pg too when I found out about OC! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> H and I's oldest and our 2nd child are 7 1/2 years apart.......but in the end, the age difference has been really good and I recommend it. By 5 or so they are so independant and can take care of themselves enough to be a great help w/ a new baby sibling. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The weather here is sooooo hot. It's like summer already---that's Ca, thinking of going to the beach tomorrow or Wednesday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Funny, I was just wondering what the weather was like in OR and I was gonna email my aunt to find out. Thanks for the update.

Oh and I wanted to add---it is a very GOOD sign that H is disgusted by seeing OW! That is clear thinking and not fog! He is realizing how disgusting his behavior was to have an A and there is no fond memories attached to it. He has realized how deplorable his behavior was and I think he will be coming around to realizing his bad behavior now too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Keep the faith Albany.

<small>[ April 26, 2004, 08:25 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Hey Albany - sounds like things are looking up for you. I agree with the others that your H seems to be seeing the light through the fog. Let's hope it continues. I am so happy for you. I understand what you are saying about feeling like giving up at times when things are looking better. I don't know why that is. Maybe it is just part of being on the roller coaster ride. Seems like at times we are on the same ride as H's, but on different cars. At times I feel down, when H seems more willing to work on things, or vise versa. I also think alot of it is the desire for the ride to just be over. Unfortunately, I think it is a long roller coaster back to anything that resembles normal. Keep doing what your doing and you will be fine.

Not much happening at my house. This past week we have had alot of kids end of school year activities. Lots of family time together - which has been really nice. H has even been around my parents for the first time since this all happened. I am so proud of my parents - they treated H as they always have, and I know that was really difficult. They are so supportive of my H and I reconciling. Their support really is such a blessing. They are such forgiving people - I come by it honestly - I love them and are so proud of them. I know this has been really tough on them. I just hope that continues when they find out about OC. I have not said a word about that to them. I don't think I should until I know where my M is heading and if OC is H's (even though he still says he has no doubt).

OW is still getting nasty with H. Rumors are flying around work as to who father of OC is and she is accusing H of spreading false rumors. Tell me, if she is not ashamed of her A w/ H, why does she not tell everyone the truth? The fact that H and OW hides this whole thing says alot to me. I guess I just don't think like they do. If H was so in love w/ OW, wouldn't you think he would admit he is father of OC? If OW was so in love w/ H, don't you think she would be telling everyone who the father was instead of hiding it? Just a thought. Anyway, she says she is now going to file for CS through the legal system instead of working things out in private. Which is the way it should be, but H and OW were convinced they could handle it all themselves. This scared me because I don't think H's rights would be protected.

I have rambled enough.

Sunny and BG93 - How you doing?

Talk to you soon. This week should not be so crazy.

God Bless,
Kris

Was looking good--tonight was bad--he says he just didn't want to hurt me and that is why he kept saying he didn't know--still doesn't seem like he is done--he has extra money right now could file for divorce but doesn't.

It was awful tonight I pushed his buttons he pushed mine and then he said all these awful and hurtful things. I love him so much but I think that I have to let him go--I don't want to follow him around where I'm not wanted and this is all hurting too much. The pain has to stop.

I'm sorry you guys but I can't take it anymore I don't think and I can't keep going on with getting nothing in return and that is how I feel it is now.

He said his parents know he is done and they just feel sorry for me and don't want to upset me so they deal with me. According to his mom he hasn't said he is done to her--but you know I don't know who or what to believe anymore.

I feel like a failure especially to my son--he doesn't deserve this--he deserved so much more than this and I have failed him and myself and my marriage.

So now I tuck my tail between my legs and go to lick my wounds in peace and remember that life is full of change and nothing ever stays the same and it takes time to heal and sometimes you are sad and it is okay to cry.

i know that I'm giving up but I want so much to be wanted, cherished and loved and I haven't had that for nearly a year and I have ran on empty too long.

All those things he said tonight were awful--the thing that seemed positive was I said to him I guess you don't care about me anymore and he said I was putting words into his mouth. How can he care and do the things he does and leave our marriage all at the same time.

He says I'm just full of questions and just asked if I ever stop.

I just can't really describe to you how I feel right now except worthless and unloved.

Albany <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Okay so he just called to check on our son who wasn't sleeping well earlier--he seems to be having bad dreams anyway--I'm bawling when he calles on my cell phone because I'm online still and I told him our son was fine and that I couldn't talk and kept wanting to know what was wrong and I said I don't want to talk and you don't love and don't care and I need to go and hung up--of course he called back and then he said tonight isn't the time to talk about it and I said it never is--he always says he doesn't want to talk about it--he is working an OT graveyard shift tomorrow night and I had offered earlier for him to pick son up from daycare bringt in home so he could se him some before he went to work.

Earlier he said that he wouldn't do that he didn't think and now said he will call and let me know--which means I have to see him tomorrow.

I don't know what to say or do or how to act--I can't think straight anymore--so tell me what things show that doesn't want to be done (actions) verse his words--I can't see for myself right now--probably because I fell as if it is time to give up and I can't see anything positive right now.

Albany

Sorry about bad typo's hope you guys can figure out what I meant--so worked up that I can't type or spell.

Talk to all tomorrow.

Albany

Albany,

I hope you are feeling better this morning, I didn't get online last nite & just saw your posts. I feel your pain, I really do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> know that I'm giving up but I want so much to be wanted, cherished and loved and I haven't had that for nearly a year and I have ran on empty too long.

All those things he said tonight were awful--the thing that seemed positive was I said to him I guess you don't care about me anymore and he said I was putting words into his mouth. How can he care and do the things he does and leave our marriage all at the same time.

He says I'm just full of questions and just asked if I ever stop. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H always says that to me too, I am putting words in his mouth & I ask too many questions. I guess that just don't get it, maybe because you can't truly understand this pain unless you are living it or the guilt in them doesn't want to deal with the situation they helped create. I told my H on Sunday that he wants this all to just - poof - go away, & I am supposed to keep it all bottled up inside & not talk about it at all, ignore it. My weekend was not good at all. But I am concerned about you, don't give up Albany, your H is disgusted by the fact that OW is carrying his child, mine is/was proud during OW's pg. Would never turn his back on her & OC. That says a lot about how your H feels about you & your son. You fight for yourself & your family, don't let OW & OC (if it is H's) destroy what you two have built.

I know you are tired, God do I know, I have been riding this ride since 2002, so I know how you feel about just wanting the pain to stop & getting off the ride, you think how much more of this can I take & why am I putting myself through this? There is a reason, I can't tell you what it is though. You know this does not have to be the end of your marriage, many here will tell you that, KT in particular & they have contact w/ OC!! So it is not hopeless, try to hang in there - remember it is not over, til GOD says so! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So tell how this isn't the end??

one of my friends says that H just comes over and spends time with us because he has nothing better to do and she thinks I'm just reading signs that he isn't done into things like him coming over and staying--she doesn't think that he cares just doesn't have anything better to do.

So I'm I just reading signs into situations because I want it not to be done???

albany