BBG93& Albany (((((((((((HUG & HUG)))))))))))))
I feel for both of you. I wished things whould turn around for yall. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I so feel you pain in your words and just wished I could come thru this computer and give you the hug you need!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Yall have tried so very hard to save your marriages and I admire you for this. Yall are stronger than you think. Keep the faith and remember we are here for you. I'm on the computer for most of the day and have this site up for the most part. Plan A , Plan B, 180 rules they are so hard to keep up w/and its hard to not talk or be with the one that you love so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I just wished there was more that I could do. I am here to listen and BBB93 has my email so if Albany you can give me yours if you like. At least I could send you a card. I think sometimes we don't realize how strong God made us, but these ladies here and you have been the strongest people I have seen and has made me a stronger, more aggressive person. I can't tell you why my H is coming out of the fog? Beats me. I'm doing and trying the same things you have. The only thing I haven't done is pop him on his head! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He might have woke up sooner. I do know if they think they are loosing you they have a tendency to notice their down falls and try to change. I don't know if that helps but I AM HERE FOR YOU TWO!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny , good night & tomorrow is another day that God will see us through.

Hey Sunny,

Thanks for the hug, & your kind words I sure do appreciate them.

I had to look at & talk to H this morning since he went into work late & was blocking me in the driveway. Actually I am not sure if he was going to work or not, God forbid he tell me anything. I did ask him if he was off, he said no, that was it of course. I should not have even bothered, part of the 180's right?

Tomorrow we have to go pick up some furniture, fun wow, I can hardly wait, wish he didnt' have to go w/ me. When I left this morning I didn't say goodbye, & he seemed to be sitting there waiting for me to wave or something. It is driving him up the wall that I am not talking to him, & Sunny you may be right about them thinking they are losing us & coming around, not sure if it will work in my case. I know he doesnt want to see me w/ anyone else & he doesn't want to leave but he doesn't want to commit to doing any work on our M or change any of his ways.

So I am hoping to go out tonite w/ friends & forget my troubles. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> At least until I come home & have to look at them.

Albany hope your evening was good.

Its good to hear from you. Yes go out have fun. Shoot, go get a new out fit. It's friday and I have to work tomorrow, so we decided to stay in town this weekend and do some work around this house. My flower beds look really bad. So I guess I will get that done. H has been doing really good we havent LBed in quite some time. But I still take it one day at a time. I really can't say why he's coming out of his fog. I think it has to do w/ our friends and his family supporting us so much. Maybe it was me asking him to leave about mnt ago. Don't know maybe God just slapped him while he was asleep or something. But I just thank him for the willingness to change. I hope everyone has a great Friday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Hey Sunny,

It is so great to hear some positive news around here. Thank God for supportive friends who can help talk some sense into H. I wish someone would talk to mine. I did ask my Goddaughter's dad to talk to my H, he hasn't yet. Him & his wife talked to us both after I threw H out back in 7/02 & helped convince him to move back home.

I am not sure who he talks to now other than his mother who hates me & other silly men who aren't married or look up to him like he did a great thing, they are single & have no morals at all. THen of course he still talks to OW & we all know what her thoughts on the subject of his M. Our friend has his number so I am hoping he will call him soon, H stopped going to church so he won't see him then like I do. If he would hear from someone else that he trusts that he is about to lose me, maybe that would snap him out of this fog of thinking that he is so right about all of his actions & I am the bad guy.

Well hopefully something will happen soon one way or another.

Hope you have a good weekend at home w/ hubby & family, that is what it is really all about. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BBG~

Is it possible to get your H to move out? Is there a way for you to move out? I hate to sound like I only know one tune, but Plan B sounds like the place you need to be right now.

First, he is still seeing OW. Secondly, you are kinda doing a Plan B right now, but living under the same roof. You're living as separately as you can, but because it's in the same house--Plan B concepts are more like LBs, does that make any sense? While Plan A is nearly impossible if the couple is living apart, Plan B is nearly impossible if living together.


As for your depression. I forget, are you on AD's? I know the despair of which you speak, (only mine was self-inflicted). Do as sunny has suggested, and take care of yourself--do something good for YOU. Make the choice to have some fun. Try your best not to worry about tomorrow...

~ad

Last night went well I think--he came over and fixed lawn mower--just had a bad connector at the battery--cleaned up the connector--works great--he offered to pick up the new BBQ I bought that wouldn't fit in my car and went so far as to offer to bring it over after work tonight and put it together. I said that would be fine.

He made plans for him to take our son when drives to across Oregon visit his parents and pickup a little pickup he had bought over their at Thanksgiving--he buys used cars and trucks to fix up etc. and sell--of course he is bringing it back to our house--we have big 3-bay shop with a car hoist that comes up out of the floor.

Anyway I didn't talk to him much and he seemed a little unsure of how to take that--I could just tell by his reactions. When he left--to go get BBQ and go to his apt. he actually gave me a hug.

Didn't call him after that--but of course he called me later to tell me he had picked up the BBQ--not sure why he needed to call and tell me that.

So that's all I know.

Sunnydale--so happy for you.

Babygir--keep up the good work with 180--I think it is making an impression now--you are one tough cookie.

Autmnday--thanks for all imput and I hope you are right when you say you think there is something that shows hope.

Another great day here--high will be about 85--suppose to nice this weekend also.

Not sure what I will do without my son on Monda-Thursday next week--probably ride my horse every night and maybe start that painting I want to do but it seems like a big task and I haven't gone got all my paint or supplies yet--would be a good project to do either Sunday or Monday evening.

Tomorrow my mom and I hope to go to our favorite nursery and get plant plugs/starts for all of our hanging baskets and pots. I'm looking forward to that.

Hi AD

Thanks for your reply, I love Sunny & Albany, Kris & KT to death, but i am always welcome to hear from an "oldie" w/ words of wisdom.

I gave him the PBL since he is in the house w/ me on April 5, he won't leave. I then came up w/ the idea of a contract listing things we would both stop doing & work on making changes to benefit saving our M. He wanted to revise his portion of it, hasn't done it yet, & I don't expect him to. That was my last ditch effort, unless he makes some BIG changes in his self & how his D will fit in our lives, & puts OW in her place I am done.


So I am trying to do some of the 180's, basically ignoring him, trying to act like he isn't there, Plan B?, but that only works so well w/ him in the house. It is so hard to do, but I am getting better by the day, it is driving him crazy that I won't talk, won't argue - say nothing unless absolutely necessary. I agree though, I am defintiely ready for PB but I need him to leave & he won't. I can put him out if I file for D, & can't do that until I have $, (Aug.).

I am not on any AD's & I don't want to take any. I am already on other meds. I am gonna snap out of this, getting better already. I don't like the current state of affairs in my home right now but I can deal w/ it. I have too for now anyway. I know I have not done everything right, never did a good Plan A, but I also know there is nothing else I can do right now to make our M better so if this goes to PB & then ends in D I have no regrets & have to accept it as God's will for my life.

Thanks again for your post. It means a lot to me, I sometimes feel like I don't fit here since we have no children together but it helps me to know people do care & want to support me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Yes we are here for you. Hey do you have seperate bedrooms? If you moved out of the BR, or moved him out, then he may get the hint! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Ya think ? He is thinking if he lets you calm down then things will be back like they where. Him running here & there and you being drove crazy. I wish you all the luck in the world and remember the power of prayer is great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So I keep praying that he wakes up and makes things right. I hope you have a good weekend. I'll be in town and will be on the computer now & then. BBG93 Go out and have fun and start living. I'm glad you don't have the covers on still !! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
type at ya later LOL
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sunny

I'm with Sunny on move into different bedroom if you can--she is right isn't that fairly pointed???

Well it is to us but maybe not to them if they are so fogged in.

I know this is hard <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (180 same house) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> but I think it is healthier for you and it will hopefully make an impression on H. Have a good time and live for you-take a bath w/bubbles, paint your toes, take a walk in the sun--or heck do as Sunny says--buy a new outfit or anything that is just for you.

A big ((((((((Hug))))))))) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Hang tough

Hey Ladies,

Thanks for your input, it makes my day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think I may ask him to move out of the BR, it has been on my mind of late, Lord knows he's not getting any these days, that is driving him crazy too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I did got out & buy some clothes on my lunch break today, & hope to go out tonite for sure. Not think about him til I have to. I borrowed this quote from MereMortal on a different board

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think my WH's ability to get me to respond emotionally - either with anger or with crying gave him even more confidence that he oculd get away with it a little longer. It's the calm, firm reactions that really get them worrying IMO. I've read that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference. As long as the WS can get still an emotional reaction from the BS, they probably don't worry too much about losing us? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told her that she hit the nail on the head I think with that summation. I certainly don't hate him but my love is dwindling daily, that is why it important for PB right now so I don't lose all love for him. So indifference is my plan right now along w/ 180's as long as he remains in the house. The separate sleeping arr. will certainly wake him up I know. I don't feel I should have to move out though & he is stubborn enough not to move so we will see.

I am gonna live, w o w/o him, life is too short & I am too old for H's games.

Albany
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Didn't call him after that--but of course he called me later to tell me he had picked up the BBQ--not sure why he needed to call and tell me that. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

He wanted to make sure you were home alone & see how you re-acted to the call! Classic fence sitting! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Babygir--keep up the good work with 180--I think it is making an impression now--you are one tough cookie.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Not sure how tough I am, any strength I do have or have left is from God, not me that is for sure, but thanks for the compliment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hope you have a great weekend! You have things to do & plans w/ your mom - that is 1/2 the battle right there! Let H know you aren't sitting around waiting for him to call or come by. BE INDIFFFERNT!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It is warm here again today too, happy about that.
We are finally having our spring here in good ol' upstate NY, better now then never I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Way to go BBG93 Glad you got an new outfit. I'm glad you are picking up. Don't make him feel sorry for you. Show him you are a strong lovely woman who deserves to be treated as such.!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And I would probally put him out the BR. Your not the one who broke their promise, so suffer for the guilty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Have a great time tonight. We have a funtion at church w/ the childrens group so we will be there. Type at you tomorrow.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> sunny even if its raining!

Yes I am definitely going out w/ my girlfriends, & my new outfit on!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are right, I don't want him feeling sorry or thinking I am in this funk b/c of him. He is gonna see a woman determined to move on w/ her life, despite the plans of the demonic spirit controlling him right now!

You have a great evening too!

Hang in there Albany.

Kris what is up w/ you? I pray all is well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

okay so I was stupid and asked up about a debit from our account where he went to dinner on a Friday night and spent 55 bucks--said he went with a friend-of course now he is upset at me--said he shouldn't have to explain himself because we are not together and doesn't want to argue and isn't going to come over tonight.

I said we aren't together then when are you going to tell people we aren't and file for divorce and he said after he gets back from visiting his parents--next week.

His mom doesn't think that at all--she doesn't think he will file. I guess the hug he gave me meant nothing--I suck at all this and I'm just going to give up at it--So I can't ask about what he has spent or he gets mad but he can me a hug for no reason. I asked last night why are you giving me a hug and he said I don't know.

I just have to vent again that I'm really upset at myself--we were moving forward maybe a little and now I just made up turn away.

Sorry just feeling really down because I knew better.

How can I not care about where he is or what he is doing--how does doing all that stuff in the 180 and PB work????

He slipped up in the phone conversation--I said sounds like you don't care he I'm starting not to--why does not talking at all about relationship work???

Why can't I do this??? I felt good this morning about things--he said all we do is argue and I don't make him happy and he doesn't make me happy so it is stupid to not be done--I don't know what to do when he drops BBQ off. He states nothing is working and that even though he comes over it is over--I said yah I bet that--not if you are done the spend time elsewhere.

So when he comes over I guess all I can do is not talk about today's conversation and act again like it's done.

I hate this--and I made this bad today--the more we do this the more I lose him each time--meaning the harder it is to get him to come around sort of or to want--and the thing is he is the one that made this mess and I'm the one having to try and fix.

Hey Albany - Vent away.

Sorry you are having a rough evening. It really sucks that we have to be the ones to do all the work to correct a mess that H's created.

First of all, you have the right to know about mysterious spending from your joint account. You are still married and whether or not he is living at home he is accountable. However, maybe change how you ask about the information. If you see a debit like that, maybe just ask him what he did on Friday instead of questioning the debit. Maybe he will be truthful and you can find out without causing an argument.

It is so hard to play the nice guy in all this. I have struggled with this this week also. I have been doing such a good job of not dwelling on this mess 24/7 and I have felt better. When H is around, I never bring the subject up or talk about it at all unless he wants to talk. H and I have really been having some good times together lately. However, Weds. night was one of those nights when he brought the subject up. Some of the comments he made have just haunted me the last couple of days, which has put me in a down mood. He said things like he had been dreaming of leaving for a long time, that counceling would have worked for us 4 yrs ago (first A w/ same OW)but he doesn't think it will now, how he doesn't want to miss out on things with OC. Yet he has said things like sometimes he thinks he should come home, how he misses the kids, how he doesn't love OW (but has feelings for her), etc. One second he builds up hope, just to take it away in the next breath. I have really had enough of it. I have really been doing good at not showing him how his stupid comments effect me, but the last two nights I have been really distant with him, which makes him mad. I just wish he understood how this whole thing effects me. He knows that I am so willing to work things out, and I think maybe he sometimes takes advantage of that. I am sick of it.

Anyway, the point I really wanted to make before I started ranting is that you kind of have to try to detach yourself and your feelings from the situation - not easy I know. Don't let him see how this is effecting you and be there for him when he is ready to talk. I have found that pushing H just causes more problems. But if he is the one that opens up, he more freely talks about things and feels more comfortable because it is a non threatening environment. I have told him that when he is ready to talk, I am here for him. Be supportive, kind, caring, concerned for him (all the things they should be doing for us). It really has seemed to help with H and me, I have just had a bad week. I let some of the things he said (fog talk) get to me too much.

Keep praying for strength and wisdom to handle this, and God will help you.

And, of course, you always can vent to us. Thats the key, vent here so you don't show your angry to H. It gets easier with time.

Talk to you soon,
Kris

albany, albany, albany, why are you torturing yourself?

You can take control and plan B or you can live in a constant state of emotional upheaval. Why are you doing this to yourself and to him?

You can end up destroying any of the love you have for HIM by allowing him to continue to hurt YOU. I know that is not what you want.

Are you sure H is not seeing OW any more? So what other choice would he have if you gave him one? You or nothing. That's it. If he chooses you he gets his family intact, has to face some issues in counseling and keeps his marriage and wife, if not then he gets to "visit" his son and he's on his own. And you are free to move on----------guilt free and w/ the potential to be healed.

Why are you procrastinating on this? Do you really think that he will choose to only have "visitation" w/ his son and not have you @ all? Come on woman!

Get moving and DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS NOW!

Why do you allow him to hurt you? Why are YOU playing this game? We know what HIS problems are but what's wrong w/ YOU?

Maybe you should plan B for HIS sake so that you do not destroy any more of the love he has for you.

BG - Thanks for asking about me. I had a couple of bad days, but I will keep myself busy this weekend and get back on track. Just seems like when it rains it pours. H made some comments that I have really let bother me, job is getting a little stressful, worrying about money issues, but mostly, really beginning to worry about how everything is going to effect my kids. Times flying, and soon their whole world is going to be rocked. They don't deserve this and I am starting to stress about how they are going to handle this whole thing.

Glad to see you are going out to have some fun tonight. Live it up. You deserve some stressfree (what's that??) time with your friends. And I agree, I think you ought to move H to separate bedroom. That should open his eyes a little. I will hope for the best for you.

Sunny - So happy to hear things are still going well for you. Congrats and keep up the good work.

Love you all!!

God Bless,
Kris
T

okay I went shopping--so I wasn't here when he dropped BBQ off--didn't answer my phone either.

He says he cares but doesn't want to be married--I told him fine whatever--I said I ignore and act indifferent you become needy so then if I show I care you pull away.

I have to stick to 180--I'm not calling back etc.

Honestly though he isn't done I don't think but he isn't really going in either direct so I'm going forward away from him right now--you are right KT this is causing both of us to lose the love for each other.

He said tonight that he is just done--wants no more arguing--sad thing is that we are only arguing about being done--he wants to be done and say are you sure essentially and he yes and it just goes on--I enable argueing so tonight I just said thanks for leaving BBQ and that was basically and said that I didn't call to argue.

Why does the 180 work?? Not talking about relationship or pointing out good things about it seems to draw them nearer--why??? are they afraid we are becoming detached beginning not to care???

Anyway--I guess I'm numb tonight because why believe he is done when he has said it a million times and is never done according to his actions.

albany~

edited to say: How cool is it to answer before the question??!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Email is good, any post I'd attempt now would suck--I'm beyond sleepy. Just wanted to let you know I saw your latest posts. I hear your frustration and despair--please hang in there!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>