Got it--do you want to post or me to e-mail you--I just suck at all this 180 Pb stuff right now--maybe the break Monday-thursday will let me gain some strength etc.

AD---did you get the e-mail I sent to you??

<small>[ April 30, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: albany ]</small>

Nothing new here--no phone calls from H I guess he must have had good dinner with the lead man on his crew and his wife.

Just bummed--I'm the one always holding down the fort. Hope he will call--It is taking all my strength not to call him right now--have things to do but no motivation to do them.

I guess I'm just in the dumps <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

The Update:

H called at 2:30pm today and said he was coming by before work-that was extent of phone conversation. He arrived kind of lat about 20 minutes before he had to be at work--our good friend was over and I think that threw him for a loop-he actually accused me of having an affiar with this friend of our--but when you are guilty I guess assume others are too. Anyway he didn't want a hug because after last time he hugged me on Thursday I threw it in his was last night--fine no skin off my back--he was going to come over tomorrow to put BBQ together--last night he had stated that is when we would talk next but you see he couldn't go 24 hours without talking to me or seeing me.

I have news for him when he calls about putting BBQ together--I don't need him too--our friend--who knows what is going on--actually was H's friend he met when we were apart in 1999--put it together for me just as long as I made him a steak so we ate BBQ steak and then he left awhile ago--he was hanging since his girlfriend went out tonight with a girlfriend.

Well I'm sure he will call tomorrow and come over--think I will tell him that there isn't any reason for him too because the BBQ is already together <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> that will impress him--NOT! oh well.

Took a three hour nap today--I really needed it--was so emotionally and mentally exhausted--went and got flowers for all my hanging baskets with my mom at the nursery. It was a good day--knew he would call even though he said he would call on Sunday--oh yah he is sick sounds really bad in his lungs--I didn't so a ton sympathy--told him if he quick smoking it would help---started taht when he got all stressed with OW and her being pregnant--left it at that. I don't see why I need to show much sympathy.

Keep me posted BBYG, Sunnydale and KrisM--hope you are all doing well.

You are in my prayers tonight as every night.

Hey Albany,

I am sorry I wasn't around this weekend, how are u today? Did you talk anymore w/ H? The 180's are extremely hard to do, since you are acting like you don't care when you so so much.

Do you think he was telling the truth about dinner w/ a friend? It worries me that he seemed to get defensive about it.

You sound like you are in the same shape I was last week & that is not a good place to be.

Albany,

I am sorry I missed some of your posts, did I get things screwed up about the dinner your H had?

Anyhoo, here is my update for the past weekend, Fri. nite went out had a good time, got in really late, H was home asleep said nothing to me the next day. H was home until 4:40 on Sat., (he is usually gone long before that), we then went to pick up the table, he then came home early, (usually goes out on Sat. nite.), to put the table together. I limited my conversation to talking about picking up the table only. He made some small talk not much. Yesterday I got up went to church, came home to find out my grandmother had fallen down the stairs & was in the ER. Told H about it & rushed out to the ER, he sends me a text message at about 1:10 asking if everything was ok & said he was in church. He hasn't gone to church in quite some time, so that was surprising. I got back really late from the hospital, & H was not home, when he did come in he was aksing how she was.

This morning I didn't get up to go to work since I was exhausted from being up all day yesterday, so he was asking if I needed a hug, I said yes & of course he wanted to be intimate, so I strayed from my 180 & asked if he thought that would solve anything being that we have unresolved issues to work out. He didnt' want to talk of course, so I didn't push it. I did then ask him why he wanted to be intimate w/ me & his response was - because it's been a long time. -----Not I need you, I love you, wanna be close to you. So I got dressed & went to work. That is why he is being nice.

Our friend did call him & H asked for his # so he can return the call, hopefully they will connect & soon.

I am afraid to be hopeful at this point, not that I have much to go on but I don't want to get my hopes dashed again either. I am still planning to 180 & may ask him to move out or our BR this evening. We will see.

Where is everyone today???

I have a day ffom heck at work--month end at my job--computer network down due to virus.

H was annoyed to see I had friend put BBQ together.

He came by this morning and got ready for his trip to see his parents-picked up our son and one of the dogs he was taking--of course he went to his apt. to get his clothes first but then came to our house and took a shower and bath--he worked last night-we did give each other a hug goodbye this morning.

He called at 10:30am and asked me a favor to pick up RX that he had forgotten to pick up. Said he would call when he got their to let me know they had arrived safe.

H called at 3:00pm to let me know thaey had arrived and he said I could give him a call back if I wanted too.

Well guess what I want to call back--but I'm not going too--180.

Oh by the way he is still done according to him.

We aill have to wait and see what he tells his parents--his Mom will tell me.

Hey everyone!!! I have been running like a chicken w/ head gone. But hows everyone doing? We are about the same. H and I got into a voodoo talk about the OW Friday am. I haven't been talking a whole lot just had alot of crap on my mind. He wanted to know what was up and I told him I just get worried and stressed about all thats going on. He said nothing to worry about he was here and not going anywhere. He asked when we where going to tell our D about the OC. I told him when we know for sure it was his. And here we go again. Its just going to P her off and she is going to try and take everything BLAH BLAH BLAH, oh and she has talked to the attorney and having the OC in our state and can get support set by our state. I told him she was a dumba$$ and it was based on where she lived not where the OC was born. Remember I talked to an attorney too, but H didn't want to go. Then he said she told him if we embarrassed her w/ a p test, and I said hold it, what about MY embarrassement? What about D's embarrassement? I didn't give a rats behind about wheither she was embarrassed or not. And he looked at me as if a light went off in his head? H said she didn't want me no where near the hospital, but he really did want to go see what the baby looked like. I told him she put me in this and she would have to get use to me because I am the step mom! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> If he wanted to do this w/o me then so be it me and D would leave and he could enjoy the rest of the pg w/ her. He of course said no, he didn't and we came first BLAH BLAH BLAH. I told him sometimes I feel like he could just change his mind and turn around and run any min sometimes, he said no. So we will take day by day. But we had a good weekend had lots of friends over on Sunday and everyone said just like old times, and made me feel good. He knows OUR friends will never except the OW and like me far better, they know I am a better person. He would have just HER friends if he left and went to her. He knows his life is better w/ me and feel he really does want everything to work, but some how in the back of my mind I keep thinking he could leave after the OC is born. Can't get over that feeling and maybe w/ time I will. Well that's my update and I am praying for you all
Sunny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

We'll I didn't call him and he called me to make I got the message--well whatever--if I didn't I would be calling to see if they arrived safely--hello <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> my son is with him.

That's it haven't heard from him since. Not all bad. I just hope he doesn't tell his parents that he is done. Hope his mom gives me an update.

Babygirl--your's sounds a bit like mine--intimate when it's been too long--so sweet <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> (NOT)-I figure they can find someone else <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> --but hey look where it lead to the first time.

Sunnydale--sounds good to me and time I think will heal and rebuild trust.

KrisM--haven't heard from you today.

Have a good day tomorrow--you are all in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Hey girls,

I haven't postede in a while, just don't know what to do. I have been reading your posts and it sounds like for the most part things have been going better for each of you. I want you to know that I may not post often, but I continue to read and learn from some of the things that you all go through as they relate to my situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So thank you all for your thoughts and kind words of encouragement to each other it means more than you know. This whole situation is so new to me that I feel lost, but I get a quick fix when I read something from each of you. It reminds me that I am not alone.

I find it hard to release the anger. I get positive results when I plan A but I am not ale to keep it up for more than a couple of days. My lack of confidence and strength in my mariage may just cause me to loose it for good. I keep telling myself that surely God did not want this for me and I should just get out of it; however, I love him so and I want my kids to have their father in the home. H swaers that he wants to be here but we have got to work through our communication problems and my controling issues. H states that my angry outbursts and actions toward him is what caused him to go outthere in the first place.

I want to work on it but I don't know how th relinquish control. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hang in there JT2 we are here for you--the roller coaster rides gets to all of us at one time or another.

Haven't heard anything from H--really want to call him--but I'm writing a little post instead here--makes fell better.

Having a girlfriend over for BBQ dinner tonight. It has started to rain a bit and will shower off and on all week and weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> typical OR weather--so much for the sun we have had--enjoyed it while it lasted.

Babygirl, KrisM, and AD--what is up???

Hello,

JT good to hear from you, sorry you don't have better news. I will keep you in prayer, this is all still new so remember that it takes time for things to look up, we want everything right now, I know I do, but it doesn't work that way especially in God's time frame.

Yesterday H came in & finished putting together the table & chairs, part of the table was damaged so he had to take it back. I thought for sure he would let it sit in the box for days. So that was positive I guess. I do think he is being really attentive b/c he wants to be intimate, but I don't see how I can do a real 180 & do that w/o sending mixed signals. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Thank God & all of you I am feeling much better this week, taking one day at a time & feeling better about whatever the future may hold for me. My anniversary is in 3 weeks, I wanted to go away but don't see that happening at least not with H, but I will celebrate anyway, 8 means new beginnings, & that is what this year will be for me a new beginning maybe married, maybe single if there is no 9th anniversary to celebrate I am ready for that possibility too.

Hope everyone is having a blessed day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Nothing new--now phone from him or his mom--maybe he is done or maybe he is just having fun with family.

Can't say that I have much faith--it scares me greatly that in my heart I think he is done.

Have you guys ever felt they were done too--I think that I have lost hope that it will ever work and that we will ever be a family.

I know I say this after only a little over 24-hours of no contact--which is why I suck at this--I feel really weak to feel like this and be so upset with no contact-but I just have this bad gut feeling that this is it and it is done. Hope my feeling is wrong and wish I was internally stronger at the 180 thing--I just don't feel like I hold the cards and when I feel that way I'm very weak with the 180's and no contact etc.

I'm sorry you guys but I just feel like I have lost him for good. I don't want to be alone the rest of my life but I really don't want to have my son have a stepdad--hard for me to explain--I would have rather had a child without another parent figure in their life then to have a child and give him a two-parent home/household only to take it away.

I feel my life is changing and I willnever get my dream of the family I wanted.

Anyway I need run--just a crying mess right now and I will say a prayer for each of you tonight.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey Albany,

I hope you are feeling better this morning. I know how discouraging this can all be, like I told JT, this is still fairly new right? So don't expect a quick fix as bad as you want one it isn't going to happen right now. Time is the key, the wait is horrendous, I know, I am still waiting too, you are more blessed than I was since you at least have this place to come & share w/ other women who unfortunately don't have to try to imagine your pain since they are living it as well.

Try to stay encouraged, know that God has the final say on your marriage, learn to lean on him & trust that he will see you thru this no matter the outcome. I can relate to not wanting your son to have a step dad, even now 20 yrs. after the fact I still wonder what my life would have been like if my first H had gotten help for his abuse problems if we could have made it, possibly I would have had a brother or sister for my son & we would be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary this year, but that was not meant to be. God knew all of these things would happen to us before the foundation of the world, but his plans for us our good. Try to hold on to that, I know it is dark right now & everything seems hopeless but weeping endureth for a night & joy comes in the morning!

How long is the night... I have asked myself that many a time, my night is still going on too, we have to be patient, don't give up or give in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BBYG-- a little better this morning--not much--just feeling like the end has came and I'm not sure why I feel that way--really bummed about Mother's Day.

I really hope my feeling is wrong but I feel like a big piece of me left yesterday and I have this huge hole in my heart.

Do you think that how I feel is a bad sign that subconsciously I know that it is over or I'm I just feeling this way because he is gone and I haven't talked to him or his mom??? I'm just so afraid.

{{{{{{{Albany}}}}}}}} Big Hug to you sweetie, I can't tell you how many times I thought the end had come, especially while H was out of the house. It is a rollercoaster & you are having a bad day(s).

I had a bad week last week so it happens when you least expect it or you just let yourself hope too much sometimes I think. You will know if & when the point comes that you can no longer go on like this. Maybe you need to seriously consider doing Plan B, if you are constantly hurting over things H says & does or doesn't do? I think if he was truly ready to be done w/ you & your marriage he would act on it, I think he is having a grand ol time sitting on the fence while you stress about this 24/7 & it is not right. Really pray over this Albany & if the 180's are not working, it may be time for a new approach.

As for me I strayed from the 180 today, I got a new phone & text messaged H today, just to say hi. I have not gotten a reply, so I am not sure if he got it or not, now I wish I hadn't bothered. I only got the feature on my phone cuz he has it on his. I am not gonna stress about it though.

Hang in there.

Okay BBYG--why do set ourselves up like that--we know not to stray from 180 and we still do it and then we regret it immediately--thinking of the text message thing you did-I have done hundreds of different things like that and totally regretted and then been upset by the outcome.

I will be checking the site all day--I just refresh ever few minutes.

Albany,

P.S. I am bummed out a little about Mothers Day too. Last year I asked him to leave after him only being home a month, we had a long intense discussion & both of us were crying before it was all over.

I know this year will be different, I won't spend it crying not over him anyway, but the pain of knowing OW will be celebrating being a mother to my H's baby & I never will hurts so much.

Just really sad for me because we always did something so special for Mother's day and now no one meaning him or something from my son that my H got will happen.

I just feel so alone this week. Sorry to bother you with this but--I just feel completely empty.

You are not a bother at all, like I said we all have our days, I was so down last week I just wanted to go to sleep & not wake up.

It will get better, I wish I could tell you when, but that is what this board is for we pick each other up when one of us is down as best we can w/o physically being there.

Who knows H may surprise you on Sunday, but even if he doesn't it is still a special day for you if nothing else know you are blessed to be a mom & have a healthy son, there are many women who will be really sad that day b/c they have lost a child, or their own mom, so we can't not be grateful & thankful for the good things we do have in our lives. As much as it pains me that I can't celebrate being a mom to my H's daughter, I have a healthy son who loves me & my mom is still alive. My grandmother is in surgery right now, she feel on sunday & swallowed a tube they put in her nose so they are operating to take it out, I pray she will be fine & home on Sunday, but only God knows.

Just remember you have a son who needs YOU, so focus on that, H may or may not come out of the fog, you can't control that, dwell on what is good in your life, I remember a good friend telling me that early on in all this while H was living w/ OW & she was still pg., I thought yeah, easy for you to say but it was very good advice, try to follow it if you can.

I am here, you are not a bother at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />