I also had an awful dream last night--Had a dream that H took a job with the same company he works for now but over near his parents and he was trying to get full custody of our son who I took care of the whole time he didn't live at home this past summer while he was having the affair with OW.

Why is my mind running away so badly with these bad thoughs and feelings??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Morning Ladies~

First, BBG, I wouldn't fret about the text message. It's not like you sent a bunch more after he didn't respond to the first one. I think one of the overall themes to the 180's is to display a NON-clingy attitude. It's also doing opposite behaviors of what you've done in the past--thus the term 180. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> One of the goals is to get him to pursue you, not the other way around. From all you've indicated, you are doing good with the 180's. By the way, I saw your other post asking if being intimate would violate the 180's...I didn't get a chance to see many of the responses yet though. I'll try to check back on that.

I wish like crazy you could get your H out of the house, or that you were able to get out, because you seem very ready to do a complete Plan B! Is there a way you could work toward that? If I were you, I would do everything in my power to do a *real* Plan B. For now, you are doing really well. Have you been feeling any better?

Speaking of which...albany, you already know how much I agree with BBG about YOU doing a Plan B, so I won't go on and on about it with you.

I do want you to think of this though--You've mentioned several times now, how you feel stronger when you have the ball in your court, etc...I want to suggest to you, (I may have already, but it bears repeating), that the ball will be in YOUR court when you go to Plan B. You call the shots, you set the terms, you draw the boundries. It will all be set up in your Plan B letter.

I also wanted to point out that right now, your nerves are shot. That being the case, I wouldn't rely too heavily on your "feeling/emotions" to determine whether your H is done or not. Relying on your feelings right now, when you are so emotionally drained, will only make the roller coaster ride more stomach turning! You know what I mean? One day, he gives you a hug, and you might want to plan your 50th wedding anniv. party. The next day, he's gone to visit his folks--no call from him--and you're sure he wants a divorce. Try not to give into your "feelings", or I'm afraid you will drive yourself crazy. Not only that, but I believe at this point, going on feelings alone, will steer you wrong.

Try to step back and seperate yourself as much as possible from the situation, and think with your head.

Now for a little levity, (I hope). If all else fails--I came up with a good plan for you two ladies. BBG, you seem to want to do a Plan B, but can't get that pesky little H <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> out of the house, and we all know modified PBs like NEVER work. Albany, you really want to do a good Plan A, but H is living elsewhere, and we all know it's much more conducive to have Hubby living at home to have a successful Plan A....

Soooooo, you two simply need to switch H's!!!! How's that???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Seriously ladies, if I could wave a magic wand, or at least slap your H's silly till they had some sense knocked into them, I would. Unfortunately, I cannot, and neither can you. This stuff is hard work, and it truly sucks that in so many cases such as yours, the BW is having to do all the work. Keep your minds set on what you want the outcome to be, try not to let your head wander from the goal, and go from there.

Hang in there ladies--things will get better!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Warmest regards,
~ad

***edited to add a little on to the 1st paragraph to BBG***

<small>[ May 05, 2004, 11:24 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Thanks AD

yeah the whole intimate thing--been there--they don't last too long without--after that though my H usually comes around much more--until I push on him for an answer and then he becomes distant again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First, BBG, I wouldn't fret about the text message. It's not like you sent a bunch more after he didn't respond to the first one. I think one of the overall themes to the 180's is to display a NON-clingy attitude. It's also doing opposite behaviors of what you've done in the past--thus the term 180. One of the goals is to get him to pursue you, not the other way around. From all you've indicated, you are doing good with the 180's. By the way, I saw your other post asking if being intimate would violate the 180's...I didn't get a chance to see many of the responses yet though. I'll try to check back on that. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

AD - Guess what, I called to tell him about my Grandmother, since he didn't reply to the message & his phone is off, didn't pay the bill, so no harm no foul! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I didn't get too many replies to my post, as I said I just think it send mixed signals, H tried really hard this morning, I really had a bad headache though, still do, so I told him tonite, probably shouldn't have made that promise. I just know that once it is over he will most likely go back to being non-attentive & I will feel used. I can't lie though I feel a need to be close to him, but as I said how do you effectively do a 180 & still make love to your spouse?


</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish like crazy you could get your H out of the house, or that you were able to get out, because you seem very ready to do a complete Plan B! Is there a way you could work toward that? If I were you, I would do everything in my power to do a *real* Plan B. For now, you are doing really well. Have you been feeling any better? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Actually I feel a lot better, maybe b/c I am enjoying his pursuit of me. The 180 is going well, he is talking to me more, but as I said if I give in tonite, will that give him his fix for the next couple of weeks & he will leave me alone? I don't have this burning desire to do PB anymore, I feel a certain peace, for the moment anyway, that I can't really explain with him being in the house & me trying to 180, so right now I am taking it one day at a time. Maybe I am losing my mind, nothing has changed, I am not seeing a real positive sign that he is ready to change, but I am not down in the pit of despair like last week either.

Maybe I have truly released all this to GOD & he is giving me peace?

At any rate since last Friday I have felt this way & it is so much better than stressing over it all the time.

The trading H's comment was a hoot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I doubt very seriously Albany wants mine though!
Thanks for your post AD.

I wish I could release and be a peace like you are right now BBYG.

AD I hope you are right when you said that you have a feeling that my H and I will make it. I hope your special sense is correct--and you are right I'm too worn out and that is why lately I believe I feel the way I do sometimes. I willtry to step back from the situation--but it is so hard.

So I'm I doing okay on the 180?? Haven't talked to him etc.

Hey Girls,

I think that everyone is in the same state right now, but I will agree that it is all to new for us to make any rash decisions.

Albany just hang in there and see what happens. I know it is harder to do, but the outcome might be what you are looking for.

And about Mother's Day please remember that you are a mother and it is a celebration of the bond you share with your son, not your husband (you are not his mother).

I know that it is hard to do because I am struggling with it too, but you need to concentrate on you right now - and just breathe deeply.

I struggle with it daily, but am so tired so I must now just take deep breaths and pray for the best.

I focus to much on what if's instead of trying to correct our problems. H has to make some hard decisions. You must also allow him time to get it straight so a 180 is a good thing.

Keep praying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JT2--

But I wonder if he isn't just done--he clearly said on Friday night that he was done. Maybe he doesn't need time to think. What are your thoughts??? His mom believes he needs time and just can't take the pressure--I always ask and ask questions and want answers--it is in my nature to know things and I'm not comfortable with having things up in the air--especially when it isn't on my terms.

Although he has said he was done many times before so I can't really tell. Everyonee here and my friends and even his mom does not think he is done because a lot of his actions do not match his words.

I know we are all in the same boat--I guess I just want him to chase after me etc and want me--I really have the need to be wanted--haven't been wanted for a long time now.

You are right Mother's day isn't about him and I but it is hard for it not to may me sad.

That is the operative phrase "I have peace right now' I am hoping that is permanent. It was taking too much out of me to continue in the "cycle of pain" I was in. Asking for & receiving nothing but grief, it is already done - whatever the outcome of my M will be. When I was in church Sunday a friend that I have not spoke to in awhile gave me a word I believe was directly from the Lord, she said "enough - close those doors & stop looking back" it applied to so many things in my life other than my M which of course has been #1 on my list for almost 2 years now.

You will get there too, you have to re-direct your focus, easier said then done & it takes time, be patient, I know it is soooooo hard. 180's arent' easy but you are doing well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Going to lunch, be back.

Thanks BBYG

I hope that is true about doing well with 180--I also hope I'm rewarded for it and I know that we are only given what we can deal with but I hope this turns out well--I don't want this just because I'm able deal with it--otherwise I wouldhave choose to be weak so I got what I wanted because I wasn't strong enough to deal with obstacles. Does any of that make sense??

Anyway I hope you are all right and that H is really done and that 180 works in a positive way--catch you after lunch.

albany,

If he was really through with you he would not waste any time talking to you. Most men have to much pride to keep hanging around if they don't want you.

So don't worry besides he would have already filed by now if that were the case.

So please feel better about your situation - He's not done with you yet - He is just confused!!

Thanks JT2

Have a wonderful rest of the day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I wish I could release and be a peace like you are right now BBYG. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">albany, you don't have to wish, you just have to do .

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So I'm I doing okay on the 180?? Haven't talked to him etc.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, from what you've said, you haven't chased him down, since he left for his visit w/ family. That's a good thing. Also, sounds like you've been having some fun with your friends, your new BBQ, and your gardening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Just keep doing what YOU'RE supposed to be doing, no matter what idiotic, confusing behavior he exhibits. You cannot control him, but you can control you. If you insist on giving Plan A another try, then remember you MUST be as flawless at it as you possibly can be. Keep telling yourself that, ok?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I just want him to chase after me etc and want me--I really have the need to be wanted--haven't been wanted for a long time now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only way he can chase you, is if you STOP chasing him. He can't chase someone who's running after him--unless you guys like running in circles. Picture a dog trying to chase his tail!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I know you don't like running in circles, albany, it's totally draining the life out of you!

Stop sticking your hand out, checking which way the wind is blowing, and deciding your behavior, and also the state of your marriage based on it.

Your H is a mess right now. The way I see it, you have control, all you have to do is reach out and grab it. He's out there aimlessly drifting about, you cannot afford to do the same.

BBG~

I read the response from WAT. He happens to be one of the sharpest tools in this MB box. If you noticed, he said doing a 180 is reversing old destructive behavior, not reversing the right things! So, I believe he is saying, and I agree...you should go for it!!!!

If you're not attempting Plan B, but rather are trying to give Plan A a go again--then part of Plan A is meeting his ENs. I would venture to guess, your H isn't much different from most men, and SF is at the top of his ENs, right?

True, he may only need it right now, to meet a need, his need, and not to meet your needs, but hey--you never know??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Besides that, even when a marriage is going really well, sometimes, just because we love someone, we want to and should give them SF, even if we don't really *feel* like it that particular day, you know?

My H didn't particularily feel like taking our D, (who I promised a trip to the ice-cream shop yesterday), out at 9pm last night, when I was too tired to do it, BUT he did anyway. Not only did he do that, but he stopped at the grocery to get me a carton of vanilla, a pint of raspberries, and pecans. Then came home, made me a sundae...AND salted the pecans, because he knows I don't like them plain, on a sundae. (yeah, I'm just a tad high maintenance) I know he was tired too, and didn't *feel*, like doing all that, but man oh man, my love bank was going, ca-ching, ca-ching...and I made sure he knew it!! You better believe the next time he's wanting SF, and I'm not in the *mood*, I will get in the mood, but fast! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> When one seeks to give, one usually ends up receiving!!

So, I say go for it BBG. I wouldn't go overboard. I mean, be yourself and everything. I just wouldn't suggest you make any overatures, such as, "Oh honey, this was so wonderful...see how great we are together, let's get going on turning this M around, blah, blah, blah..." Be relaxed as you can, ENJOY it, don't act as if you're doing it out of a sense of duty, (even if that's how you feel). Don't read too much into his actions, be they good, or bad, afterward. Just keep doing a stellar Plan A. Remembering what we always hear, this is not a sprint, rather, a marathon.

Keep thinking--gonna fill up his love bank, gonna fill up his love bank!!

That is such a beautiful word your friend gave you! I too, believe it was from God. What a wonderful direction he gave you, and I believe if you're obedient to His will, your blessings will overflow!!!!

AD,

That's so great! You are giving great advice to us all. I greatly appreciate it!!

Keeping me on my toes!

Much prayers - and blessings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks AD

you are right I need to act for me not according to him.

Hopefully he will chase me--we will see. Hopefully he isn't done--anyway this afternoon will only be 48 hours without contact.

I try and be more positive.

AD,

Thanks so much for that sound advice, I was gonna give him SF this evening anyway, since I like to keep my word, & it is not that I don't want to, just I am trying to guard my heart as much as possible & that opens the flood gates for me. But you are absoulutely right, I will be myself & enjoy, I have needs too afterall.

I think right now I am doing more of a 180 than a Plan A or maybe it is a combination of both I guess whatever it is right now it is working like a charm for me.

You are right the words my friend said to me I believe were straight from God, she knows the situation, but I have not talked to her about what has been going on since last summer, & she even said to me I dont' know what the circumstances are or what is going on with you right now but it is enough. We were holding each other & I just cried as she spoke these words to me cuz I knew it was GOD. I have been in & out of church, going out too much, dwelling on the past, tripping on things I can't control,looking to the wrong people for help w/ problems so all that must stop, closing that door, not looking back! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JT,

I have been following your post to Gemini, counseling is a great idea as well venting your anger in the gym. You can never do enough for yourself these days you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't keep beating yourself up about what has happened in the past, sure we have all played a part in the events that may have led up to the A but the fact that you see your part & acknowledge in it is enough. None of us can go back & re-write history what is done is done. Also bottom line is your H just like mine & everyone else who posts here made a conscious choice to stray outside of his M & have a A - not YOU!

You make amends for what you can & try to do better for yourself, your kids & your M but you can't fix him, only God can.

I am praying for you too, & believe your M can be healed, God is able to do anything but FAIL!

Just want you to know that I'm sick to my stomach--okay--I have got to get all this out of my mind--I miss my son so much--I miss my H and my family.

Albany,

Hope you have a good evening.

Stay strong! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We were posting at the same time, I hope you feel better it is hard not to let this physically get to you, but try to concentrate on the good & positive things in your life, call your mom or some friends who can help you take your mind off the situation for awhile.

I am leaving work now, but I'll be on at home. Take care of YOU.