Kristin, you should post your story on a separate/new thread so that you can get MORE support so that you won't get lost in the mix.

Welcome to the "club" the club we ALL wish we didn't qualify for! I think we can all relate to that "robbed" feeling. The child that should have been ONLY ours. The intimacy that should have ONLY been shared w/ us.

Yes, we can all feel your pain and anguish. I am sorry that you are here but I know you will find the support you are looking for and unfortuneately you are NOT alone! We have all been there, maybe in different ways and slightly different stories but we have ALL been there.

There is some relief in finding this forum, to realize that there are others that are struggling right there w/ you, those that have gone before and can offer you the strength that you don't have right now, those that can offer you the encouragement & promise of healing in your marriage and life that you cannot even imagine attaining @ this point.

Take care of you and we are here for you.

Kristin,

Sorry to welcome you here, but you found a great place for support. As KT says start a new thread with your original post so others will know you are here.

Well this is my lastest update, H's mom calls the house last nite looking for him, I told H not to give her my #, I had it changed last year cuz OW had it, & so that his mom wouldn't have it either. Our relationship was never good & since all this happened she has not given me one ounce of support, but has nothing but praises for OW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> So H tells me he gave her the # cuz his cell is disconnected & that is my problem - why???? His phone has only been off since Monday & last nite after 11:00 p.m. she has to call & leave a message for him. I can't stand her.

I didn't LB but I wasn't real happy during my conversation w/ him either. I also told him I drew up a new contract w/ the additions he requested & that I wanted him to look it over & we would discuss it on Sat. He wasn't real happy about that, too bad. The 180's seemed to be working but that contract issue was left unresolved & even though he claimed he was going to re-write this weekend I know he wasn't, he is like so many H's just wants it all to go away & not talk about it or work on anything, thinks some one will come along w/ a magic wand & fix it all, shut me up or whatever. I am proud of myself I didn't LB, he would probably disagree since the subject of his mom is very touchy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So we will see, I wont' talk to him about anything this evening, going to a graduation & out to dinner after.

My peace is getting shaky.

Hi BG, JT, albany, and all!

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to this thread in a couple days.

albany, how has it been since your H and son got back home? I remember reading where you weren't sure if you should've answered the call from your H late at night. I think it was good you did. You're not doing a Plan B, so it was ok. To NOT answer might have been an LB. Yet I know what you and the others are saying...to not answer would be like a 180...keep him on his toes...let him wonder what you're up to, etc. I like that too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Since your son was away from home, and in his care, I believe you did the right thing though.

BG~

About the daycare center calling, first let me say, I have absolutely no experience with daycare centers, so I could be all wet on this topic. My best guess, is that the call was possibly from someone in the billing office. Perhaps not someone directly involved with the children and the families? While, I think the person should've done proper research before making the call, it was probably "innocent". I'm assuming, the daycare, like most businesses are only looking out for the bottom line, all else be damned. I doubt your H had any control over the matter either.

I can see where the call would be terribly upsetting, especially having to put the situation "out there" to a stranger. My heart goes out to you. I think it sucks.

How are things going since then?

JT~

I'm glad if I've been of any help to you. Most of the time, I feel like I'm shooting from the hip with my advice. I try to make sure what I say correlates with MB concepts, though. I've learned a lot in the last year, and hope to learn even more.

Hang tough ladies, and keep the faith, (but not to yourself <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Love,
~ad

Sorry BG, somehow missed your last post, before I posted.

I understand the MIL thing, especially when she isn't supportive of you and the M. I say good riddance to all who cannot be in the corner of your M, but kinda hard to do when they're related... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just one more thing to explain gently and calmly, (while carrying a big stick <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) to thick headed H. Thank goodness for POJA, it really is a wonder. Getting H on board with POJA is another story though. One thing at a time, one thing at a time...

You have my prayers and well wishes.

albany, something occurred to me. I don't think I mentioned this when I suggested you should have a date set in the back of your head as to when to go to Plan B. That is, do NOT tell your H you have set a date, (and I hope you have set one!!!!). It's a big LB, a threat...like if you don't behave and come to your senses in X amount of time, blah, blah, blah...

It's only necessary for you to have knowledge of your "time table".

<small>[ May 07, 2004, 01:48 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

AD,

I know the daycare center call was not H's fault, very poor business call though for sure. He knows I know that too, asked them why they couldn't tell him about the message in person, he works at his D's daycare. The whole thing was stupid.

As for "mommy dearest" H also knows there is no love lost there. That is his mother so I do try to give her respect but there is no need for her to call my home, the same home she wishes her son was not living in.

POJA for us is a long way off I am afraid, he gives new meaning to the work THICK. Like I said we will see.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> asked them why they couldn't tell him about the message in person, he works at his D's daycare. The whole thing was stupid </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh God, I guess!!! Did I miss that part? Very stupid on the part of the daycare. That makes me even more pissed and dumbfounded. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm in complete agreement regarding your MIL, (would it help if I referred to her as Monster IL?) I've heard that label used a time or two!

I know she's your H's mother and that alone deserves some level of respect. I think it was Lynn who said, when you have to be in the same place as a relative who doesn't support you, or who you just don't get along with, be courteous and pleasant, talk small talk, but nothing more.

Don't let her get to you. You don't need anymore crap piled on your heap.

No I didn't mention that he works at the same day care, I almost think his boss was just being nosey. Since the call had no merit at all.

Monster in law is good, I usually call her the woman who gave birth to my H. Her real problem is that she wants her son to be her man! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She has never been anything remotely close to a mother to me, & I am ok w/ that. The only reason I brought it up to H about the phone call was that I dont want her getting comfortable calling the house 20 x's a day if he doesn't respond to her ASAP on his cell phone. I can hardly stand the sound of her voice, plus I have to see her in church every week & listen to her phoney hellos & smiles.

No, she is the least of my worries.

Hey you guys I'm back-was very busy this morning,

Update:

He called on his way home--we started to get into it and he was knida a jerk to me--saying again that it didn't matter what he did from now on-asked why he called at 11:30pm--I know I shouldn't have asked--he said to tell me son was having a good time.

Anyway--I promised myself when he arrived we would have no conversations regarding us--no pressure. I made dinner for our son and him. He stayed to eat then he asked if he could take a bath--he only has shower at apt.--I said fine--but then he only took a shower.

I put our son to bed-we watched TV he asked if I would rub his neck--I gave him a neck and back rub--and well one thing led to another etc. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I think you get the picture--he did state that he wanted do what we were doing but didn't know what it meant. I would rather that then lying and saying it meant nothing or it meant everything when truly I know he hasn't a clue.

He left in a good mood of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He said he would call me on his morning break--have no idea why. He did call this morning and say he would move money to our joint account so I could pay house payment etc. and asked how much I needed--he didn't have a problem with the dollar amount he was way nice--scary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

So that is the update.

Now question--I want to make taco's for dinner--have a craving for them--he gets off work at 6:00pm should I call and invite him--or see if he calls and invite him if he calls or not because trying to PA and 180?? What do you guys think???

Seems like he needs to make the moves or it is too much pressure.

As much as I know you want to see him for dinner, what if he says no or that he has plans, are you going to be ok w/ that?

If it were me I know I would do the invite, I did many a time while H was "away" & got so upset if he couldn't or wouldn't come by. Just don't want you to set yourself up for a fall.

I said all that to say I have no advice, sorry.

See what I mean about how SF clouds & confuses things sometimes? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am glad you had a good nite last nite though <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !

the SF didn't actually confuse anything for me I'm glad H was honest--I would usually ask him to dinner but when he turns me down I get hurt, mad etc and then LB--creates--all bad things come from it so--I think I must not ask--since I do not handle the no thing well--I would ask then what are you doing and then it would just keep going from there--so since I know my reaction to it I know I had better not ask.

SF was great but it usually is.

I'll keep you updated.

Follow your first instinct. He may surprise you & call you.

Talk to you later, have a good nite.

If I'm not too late...my advice is don't call and invite him. If he calls first, and you feel so inclined to invite him, then go ahead. BUT be prepared for any answer. Expect the worst--hope for the best.

If he says no, leave it at that, and wish him a very nice evening. Keep your voice as lighthearted as possible, don't give one inkling of being down in the dumps...even if you are!!

Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You are not too late--he called me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just to tell me he had done the money transfer at bank. He also said he was going straight home after work and crashing--he is still sick sounds like it is in his lungs--friend of ours that he works with him at his new job has pneumonia. He decided that maybe he should go into urgent care get checked out and get medicine.

I cheerfully said guess what Bailey and I are having for dinner. He said what and I said fajitas-chicken and shrimp and he said just you and Bailey and I said yes unles you would like to come over and he said he thought he needed to go home and crash--I okay--it is up to you. He then said he come over tomorrow after work to see our son--not us--but that is fine and I said well you should go to urgent care--I was cheerful and left it at that.

I wouldn't be surprised if I see him tonight--if not fine--but I think I'm getting him where I want him or he wouldn't be calling me.

Thanks AD and BBYG.

Good work, albany! Keep it up!

Remember, don't let him dictate your behavior. Stick to your plan.

I cannot promise your desired outcome even if you do everything right, but I'll tell you this, if you DON'T stick to a stellar Plan A, you are pretty much guaranteed of a bad outcome.

Part of me wishes you had told him, "Bailey, me and a friend" *evil grin*

Hey, I could be the friend...fajitas sound good long about now!!

Have fun!

Yah a Bailey, I, and a "friend"--I thought of that <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> but it would have provoked a fight and I don't want to out right lie.

Anyway you are right but my chances are better than not doing PA and 180 things.

He won't stay away I'm sure--I refuse call him or check up on him tonight and I will not call him tomorrow--my world does not revovle around him--well I let it sometimes but results aren't very good when I do so all he needs to know right now is that it doesn't. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Hard for me todo but I'm coming along and getting better at all this.

Like I said I feel that the ball is actually beginning to roll in my court and I actually think it is right at my fingertips. So I plan to grab it over this weekend and keep it.

We all know why he called the other evening late and why he has called twice today--but I don't dare tell him--why do men need everything to be there own idea??? They really are less evovled then us women as MIL says--she also says we really should be running this world as we give men all the ideas and let them think that they came up with the ideas. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a wonderful evening

Everyone else I hope to get online tonight to post some things to the rest of you--it isn't always all about me although somedays I wish it was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Okay I haven't heard from any of you guys this weekend or yet today--JT2, KrisM, BBBYG, Sunnydale, AD.

Hope everyone had a super Mother's Day. Mine went well.

H called a couple of times on Friday evening--he didn't have much to say except that he didn't feel well.

He called me Saturday morning at 6:45 to say he still was really sick--called a few times throughout the day--not sure why or do I know why <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . I went to my parents in the evening and H called their to find me we talked and he said he would be over Sunday mid morning. He went to urgent care on Sunday morning--he has a lung infection. He brought me a gift from our son. He never said Happy Mother's Day but that is okay. He left after we ate a lunch and went home to his apt. to sleep before working night shift. He called at 5:00pm when he got up and then he called at 5:30pm and I was still down at the horse barn with our son and my parents--we were riding and taking care of horses--he stopped by to see our son and visited a bit with my parents and then he went to work.

He called me at 6:15am this morning on his way home from work to tell me he would come by on his way to work this evening to get old BBQ to throw away in his work dumpster and to unload wood from his work-we burn it in our fireplace. He also said to have a good day at work.

I haven't had to call him at all--he called me so much I haven't even had a single thought to call him.

So why is he calling and being so nice--maybe the trip to his family made him think more about a family?

So I think the ball is in my court and I have just been PA and 180ing it.

I think that he misses our son and actually us--he didn't need to call this morning--I already knew he was coming by to get stuff for the dumpster at work--so he didn't need to tell me about wood--any excuse to call don't you think???

I was amazed he told me to have a great day at work. I think he wants it to work but doesn't even know it yet himself--so I guess he will figure it out eventfully--but heaven forbide I mention anything--he can't do the pressure but I don't think I need anything re-affirmed as he is calling all the time--doesn't sound done to me.

Want to hear updates and feedback <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We were about to leave for church, Sunday, when 3-almost-4yo fell and gashed his forehead. So we spent the morning in the ER. I guess they don't do stitches anymore because they used the same superglue stuff that they had used for 1-almost 2yo when she split her chin open.

That was fun! Story of my life! Only the KTBunch would spend Mother's Day morning @ the ER! LOL

But other than that it was terrific! One of my best ever. Really!

We had OC this weekend but OW picked her up Sat. afternoon because she obviously gets her for Mother's Day. OW looked different and it kind of sent me for a loop! She looked trendy, wearing some low rise tight jeans, fitted tank top, sunglasses. I have never seen her dress like that and actually, I have NEVER seen her in jeans. I usually dress like that, NOT her. H had told me,(in the past) when I ???? why/how he could possibly ever be attracted to her, that she looked/dressed "different" back "then". So when I saw her, I imagine, it was like this. I immeditately went into LB mode. "hmph! OW looks different today, is that the way she looked when you were w/ her?" H: "I didn't even look @ her" me: "Well, look @ her, I think that WAS the way she looked back then!" H: "No, I don't want to look @ her."

Then I went to my room to write so I wouldn't ruin the entire rest of the evening. Then H called me to come back into the living room w/ him and why did I go into the bedroom? I was honest and told him it was because I was irritated and didn't want to take it out on anyone. Then he hugged me and made me sit on his lap (we sit like that a lot when we watch tv)and I couldn't help but cry and told him to tell me how sorry he was.....AND to tell me he's so lucky because.....? and blah blah blah, so he did. So that avoided things getting worse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Then we went to his parents to bar-b-q. Which I have to say, my H is a GREAT bar-b-q'er! Those burgers were delicious! mmmmmmmm..mmmmmmm..good!

And Friday, the oldest won 3rd place in the Science Fair!

Sunday morning, I awoke to a beautiful vase filled w/ an assortment of flowers, a couple of homemade cards, homemade bracelet, some lovely jewelry w/ a heart locket that the ktbunch picked out and H bought, and a very nice card that he bought and a love letter that he wrote! It was perfect-----and then the trip to the ER! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Then we ended the night watching our favorite show!-Survivor-we are addicted! So it was a really great Mother's Day weekend! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sorry this post is a bit out of order!LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey everyone!!! Hope everyones Mother's Day went well. Maybe not as exciting as KT's but weel! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
We went to out cabin. My 17 yr old came, which I was glad of. She's fussing about living w/dad and wants to come home. Her step monster is on her nerves. But we took the boat out the water was really cold, but the kids didn't mind. I had a rough time at first saturday when we first went out. Thoughts of the OW and her S being on my boat last year during M.D. really hit me when I got on the boat. I don't know why, just did. A good friend was w/ me and she just said cool it. Look where he is at. Who is he with? I don't know how long I will have those flash backs but they really get to me. H knew I was upset and wanted me to sit w/ him and he just held me and told me he loved me and was so glad that I was back on my boat. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> We really had a good time and there will be more to come. I don't think he's heard anything from the incubator. (OW new name) Thats all she is, and ever will be. SIL said she felt sorry for her, being preg and all alone. WHATEVER. I told her she chose to sleep w/ a married man and she made her bed. She is an incubator for a child that H didn't want or plan to have. But we would do what was right even if she didn't know right from wrong. SIL makes me want to puke! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I missed work. I really don't know what is wrong w/ to stomach? I think its just monday and most of the [censored] that happens is on Monday, so I guess I'm stressing in my sleep or something. But nothing so far today, just rested and H checking up on me every few hours. He was going to work late tonight but said he needed to come home so he could fix dinner, since I didn't feel good. I am just so scared everything is going so good right now that any minute all you know what is going to break loose! When did I get past this feeling? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Everything is good and I just want to cry. Is this all part of the stages, mad, hurt, ect? We are just into the recovery stage and I just don't what is going to happen next. But our plate is full wee have just about every weekend planed till mid July. So I guess I will spend my time just living him and taking it day by day. Sorry so long, thanks for listening.
Sunny <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hello All,

KT - glad you had a good Mother's Day, & that the little one is ok, what a morning you had, our job never ends does it???
Sunny - I am glad you had a good day also, you & KT are both so blessed to have H's who truly love & care for you & wont' hesitate to show you how committed they are & remorseful about their past actions.
Albany - Glad you had a good day also, stick to you plan girl, H is coming around slowly but surely!

Well, surprise, suprise my day was good but not as far as H was concerned. Sat. morning we got into it cuz he once again broke his word to me regarding plans we had made. We didn't discuss the "revised" contract until later in the day & he didn't want to talk about it then, he signed nothing, said he still wanted to make some changes, & had the nerve to ask why I hadn't signed off on it yet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I LB'd big time, sorry to say.

11:08 p.m. sat. nite his mummy calls, earlier in the day H told me he spends most of his free time w/ her, hardly sees his D cuz she is w/ her God Mother all the time, now I told H on Thurs. nite when she called I didn't want it to happen again, so I answered the phone, she asked for him & I told her he wasn't home & she wanted me to give him a message, I told her that he claimed he spends time w/ her everyday so why did she need to speak w/ him now? ALso told her that he could go live w/ her or OW as far as I was concerned, I am tired of him & that I never wanted her to have MY phone # anyway. She said she was sorry she called & hung up. H came in shortly afterwards, already knew about the phone call, I wonder how? We got into again, I am not sorry about what I said to her, she has hurt me for the last time & it is gonna stop. The conversation was on tape since I picked up the phone after the ans. machine came on, so he heard it, he said I disrespectd her, too bad, he should pay his cell phone bill!

Yesterday, I got up went to chuch, ignored Mummy Dearest, felt bad about what I said but I am not apologizing for it. I came home & H didn't even say Happy Mothers Day to me, I mentioned it & he said I didn't give him a chance, then told me he had a card for me, but didn't give it to me. Later that nite he came up to bed after midnite, told me he left the card in the car, I told him why bother the day is over, I asked if he gave OW a card & he said yeah, claims that is all he gave her, it was TOO much in my book, I told him I will not put up w/ this for the rest of my life, he acted like he didn't get it. He doen't give a s*#@ about me, it is so obvious. He was also sick last nite wanted me to take care of him, I didn't was tempted to call OW or his mummy have them do it.

He came home from work on break today, still not feeling well, I didn't say much to him, asked how he felt. Guess I am back to the 180's for real, until I can plan B. I am sooooooo tired of all this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />