Well, ladies now that I have your attention, (men can listen too). After lurking around her the last couple of months not saying much, and not feeling capable of helping anyone I am now at my rope's end (as if you haven't been able to tell). Based on how devoted, sincere, dedicated, and faithful the betrayed women on this board have been; and how much anguish has gone on with the betrayed men, a realization hit me!<BR>I have read in many books, including SAA, that women's affairs are mostly emotional obviously leading to physical. I now think that the strong EMOTIONAL attachment that women have in their relationships (even affairs) keeps them bonded in those relationships. (Only if the relationship/affair has been going on a for like a minimum of 2-4 months, and not just a quickie affair or one nite stand) Men can be emotionally attached, but it seems that our conditional love can be knocked off by continued negative behavior. It takes a little longer for women to lose that conditional love. Just my observations. I've noticed as the betrayed men here have had little success (K and lonestar exceptions) and I think that once a women transfers her emotional attachment she ain't ever bringing it back.<BR>As we become non-entities in our wives lives, except as the father, their emotional being is elsewhere. Do I expect, they can transfer it back? Well, again based on this board many have had that problem (Maya, Holly, some new ones also). <BR>I know I may just be rambling and this may only apply in my case, since that intense desire/passion/emotional attachment from my wife may not have been that strong in my marriage. remember in 6 yrs together my wife initiated maybe 3-7 times, and on our honeymoon over 10 days we had relations once <BR>She obviously has not felt that inhibited with the OM, and to her it tells her she just did not have it for me. The it could be the chemistry, the intense emotional attachment. Well, Medic, I see you are also in a quandry and along with rutger and I, we are in the, wife is out of the house timeline (greater than 6 mths) right after Chris.<p>[This message has been edited by izzy (edited February 16, 2000).]

izzy,<P>I concur with your findings. Your situation fits mine almost excatly. I did not have that deep passion/emotional attachment for my x and she did not for me either. I guess that is why I knew our marriage was over after she left.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger

I agree... but to go a step further... and I've posted about this before too... <P>Who knows how many couples are represented on this board? (I don't expect an answer, by the way) How many are truly success stories? I think that once ANYone has an affair (whether it be a man or woman) the marriage is in big trouble, no matter what anyone says. When my H had his affairs in the 80's, I thought I was hit upside the head with the biggest surprise... but upon further reflection over the years, and especially since coming to this board, I realize that we were in trouble. I won't go into all the details, as it isn't the point, but 'life' (kids, finances, etc) were spiriling and attention was not paid to the marriage. <P>But back to your insightful post, izzy... yes, I was completely emotionally attached to the OM, and it's made it more difficult to repair the marriage. <P>But... since I am a woman, is it more difficult to forgive my H for this latest affair of his, even though it isn't so much emotional as physical??<P>Hmmm....

I does appear that we women tend not to look back, but I don't know if that is a bad thing or good thing. I don't know how many times I have wished that I could just fall out of love with my H and be happy. But for all the things that we have been through I am still here. To me it seems that men don't take their felandering (sp?) as serious as women do. It seems that it is their EGO that is having the affair and for women it is more emotional. That is just my opinion and something that I have been thinking about a lot lately. Sorry if it seems that I am rambling.

This is a topic that my husband and I have often discussed. We have noticed a pattern in the couples that we know that have been through this, and a few months on this site seems to have confirmed our theories.<P>It seems as though women have affairs for "love". They almost always believe that they are in love and make a full emotional committment to the OM before they tell their husbands and get ready to leave the marriage. My husband likens it to not quitting one job before you have been offered another!<P>Men seem to have affairs for a variety of reasons, and more often vacillate about their feelings and making committments. They don't take the affair as seriously as a woman would. They really seem to be unsure about what they want.<P>My theory is that men will become involved in an affair without any emotional committment, but that women will not do so.<P>At least that's the way it seems to me.<P>As always, just my opinion.<P>Peppermint

Good topic! I've wondered about this angle for some time.<BR>My wife had an emotion/romantic/sexual affair for about 5 months and several years of "non-sexual" contact with OM. She said that she finally quit the sex stuff after asking him if he would leave his wife for her (he said he couldn't) and realizing that she would never be with him. So she came back to me. Yippee.<BR>So I guess I'm lucky she stayed with me? I feel (but don't know for sure) that she might well have left me for him given the opportunity.<BR>Do I feel lucky I have the opportunity to recreate the marriage? I don't know. I suppose I should.<BR>I sincerely believe I was a very good husband for her. Didn't cheat on her. Treated her with respect. Cared for her when she was going thru depression. Perhaps I missed the boat when it came to "meeting her needs" but I thought I was doing pretty good.<BR>The fact that she was so emotionally out of the marriage slays me. I do not recall her expressing any dissatisfaction.<BR>I was blindsided by her revelation. I'm having trouble getting over my resentment. No wonder she treated me like I didn't matter in her life. <BR>Pilgrim<BR>

Sheryl,<BR>I may have asked this before, but don't remember your answer.<P>Did you ever complain to your female friends about the state of your marriage or that you were unhappy with your husband?<P>My x never told here problems to anyone except the om. I wonder if that is always the case?<P>Bob

You know what, <B>Bob</B>,<P>I did complain (okay, extensively!) and it wasn't just to my friends... I have a kinda big mouth, and I talked to EVERYone... but I also talked when I was happy, and most everyone thought I had a GREAT marriage!<P>And actually, do you really want to know what the OM and I talked about??, because let me tell you... it wasn't about my H!! It was about how our (both the OM and my) dreams had been dashed, how I wanted to (get ready to barf) *find myself* and find a <blech> *soul mate*, how we both wanted to feel loved because (keep the barf bag close by) life is *too short*... and of course, how we were going to find a way to be together forever. Seems kinda silly now, on the other side of the emotional upheaval, but I assure you, it was VERY REAL to me then. <P>Hope this helps!<P>~Sheryl

Sheryl, <BR>I think you are right, I can only imagine. In my mind, my wife probably did tell the OM in the beginning about how she did not feel satisfied in her marriage, but once they started the affair any talk about her marriage would have been negative for them and withdrawn their love units. So I am sure they then talked they way you described it about finding the soul mate etc...<BR>Funny, now 8 months later, I am starting to see that my wife needs/wants to bring the OM into her reality world, though I tend to think she needs to clarify where she thinks the relationship could really go. I don't think she is convinced 100%, it could work out for them. She has many hills to climb with the OM, her marriage/divorce not even an issue. Yeah, I still believe it will crash but emotionally she will be so far gone from this marriage, that I just don't want to go there right now. <BR>Somebody said somewhere on this board, that yes couples can divorce, and that time spent apart could actually help them figure what they meant to each other. Not that I am holding my breath or even thinking that after our divorce it could happen, but emotionally after the OM, my wife will need lots of time. I am not willing to wait another 1-2 years. I need to go out and experience my life, including meeting new people and morally I can't bring myself to even date while legally married. Time to move on...

Izzy,<P>I'm sorry you're having to go through this... all I can say is that I know firsthand both sides of this thing (if you recall, my H slept with someone a month ago)... and both sides suck big time!<P>I am sitting here tonight near tears... sorrow for what has been lost, I guess... your W will come to the realization, even if it's too late for the two of you... I honestly believe that. <P>In the meantime, you have to take care of yourself, and maybe it is time to move on - but only you know if it's that time. <P>Also, sorry if describing what the OM and I talked about hurt you in any way... I guess I'm just at a point of feeling like I am so very tired of the pain inflicted both ways, and I don't want to add to yours...<P>~Sheryl