Hi, Everyone.<P>I'm still here. I'm sorry I haven't given an update sooner...I've been busy getting counseling from MB and counseling from my pastor on this whole situation...I wanted to have my facts and thoughts sorted before I posted about my situation! <P>Here's an update:<P>My husband came home from his trip this past weekend. I missed him like crazy! And, much to my surprise, he missed me too!<P>As most of you know, I have had a few counseling sessions with Steve Harley. In our last session, Steve advised me to confide in someone that I know and trust before telling my husband about the affair. After much deliberation on who I would choose to involve in this scandalous event, I chose my pastor. He and his wife are young (in their late 30's) and are very close friends with me and my husband. I made an appointment with my pastor (confidential and at his office, of course). I told my pastor EVERYTHING. He wept. I wept. And, do you know what he said??? He advised me NOT to tell my husband. He said that he would advise me to tell if I were still involved or still wanted to be involved with the other man, but that's not the case. This pastor knows me, my husband and both of our families. He said that in my situation, it is best NOT to tell my husband about something that happened a year ago. He said that it's not right to devastate everyone around me over something that is over and done with. He said that I've obviously punished myself. He said that the most important thing is for me to ask God's forgiveness (if I haven't already) and tell Him that I'm a liar and a cheat (God already knows that). Then, my pastor said to repent of those sins (lying and cheating) and to be honest from here on out. Yes, I asked God to forgive me for being a liar and a cheat. Yes, I believe that He forgives me. God sees my heart and He knows how sorry I am.<P>So, for now, I am not telling my husband. I feel like I need to follow my pastor's advice because he KNOWS so much more about me than Steve Harley can know from just a few counseling sessions over the phone. My pastor knows so much more about me than any of you can know...you guys only know the parts of me that I am able to share here. My pastor has seen me at my best and he has seen me at my worst...I trust his judgement. I trust that he would never deliberately tell me to do something that would be harmful to me or to my husband in the long run. <P>I know that some of you will be disappointed with my decision not to reveal my affair at this time. But, I'm not here to "please" people...you all know that. I'm here to help others and to be helped by others. I'm not perfect -- I don't deserve a gold star OR a cookie. You won't always agree with what I say or decide. I'm not some shining example of how a wayward spouse should feel or behave. I'm struggling just like everyone else here is struggling.<P>Yes, I will always be sorry for what I did to God, myself and my husband. When I had an affair, I broke my own heart and started giving away the pieces. Just within the past few weeks, I have allowed God to begin to heal my heart. I've allowed Him to put all of the pieces back together again...and that feels GOOD.<P>I do appreciate the support and kindness that I've found here. I still have a LONG way to go...my marriage still has a LONG way to go...I hope that you guys won't abandon me now...<P>I wish you peace and joy.<P>I'm going to go and snuggle with my husband now.<P>Love and peace to all...<P>Jill<BR>

Jill<P>We're not here to judge you on your decisions, we're here to support you on your journey.<P>Whatever you decide is what I'll support you with.<P>Happy snuggleing <P>Keo

OK Jill,<P>I've read every one of your posts with great anticipation. Waiting for the time when you tell your husband.<P>But here's the key, I haven't been waiting for you to tell him for him, I've been waiting for you to tell him for YOU!!!<P>Flat out, I think you Pastor is very much wrong here. He's right in that your husband does not ever need to know what happened. But he threatens to distroy the marriage by not recognizing that it's not your husband that is at issue, it's you. I really believe that Pastors should be required to have Psychology degrees. Jill, you need to tell your husband. This will free you from the guilt, allow you to experience his pain and help him through it, allow you to be free and him to grow to trust you totally. It's sooooooooo important.<P>I won't say more.<P>SamH

Jill, As you know, most people here won't "judge" you. Your Pastor is telling you what he believes is right from his perspective. That is okay. Steve Harley is telling you from years of experience (8 of his own I believe, plus 35+ from his father & whatever experience his sister has). Honesty, honesty, honesty! This is the most essential ingredient to a relationship.<P>If you have honesty, all else <I>should</I> fall into line. Before you jump, let me say I am not telling you to open up to your H yet. I feel this is something you should pray about & something you should do eventually. You will be eaten up by this over the years & your H will be “fat, dumb & happy” so to speak.<P>I believe the most hurtful action my Wife has taken was to lie (by omission) of her first “experience“ outside the marriage. 18 years ago. This has probably eaten her up inside so much inside that what she is doing now is a cakewalk.<P>If you can’t trust your spouse with <B>EVERYTHING/ANYTHING</B> then you/they don’t deserve the other.<P>Take your time about all of this. Very likely the most difficult decision you have had to live with. I pray for nothing but the best for you & your H.<P>p.s. Sorry if this rambles on...<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Jill,<P>I'm in agreement with Chris and Sam.<BR>Every book I have read on this subject (about 15) says that we must tell our spouces of our infidelity eventually. Like Sami I was waiting for you to tell him for you. I promise that this burden will destroy you from the inside out. No matter what you do it will always be in the back of your mind eating at you, and that wall will hold back the true intimacy we all desire. Maybe now isn't the time but I think sometime in the near future you will get to a point that the pain of not telling will get to be greater than the fear of telling. Keep praying and maybe get another learned opinion.<P>No matter what you decide I for one will be here to help you walk through this.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Jill,<BR>I have never been the betrayer....so I don't know what I would do in your position.<P>I can only tell you from my point of view. I was devestated to find out. I found out on my own....purely by accident. My stbx never thought I would find out. You see...how could I. The OW and I didn't have the same friends....frequent the same places....or have any of the same interests. But I did find out.....and your H could too. Simply by accident or by someone who knew about this.<P>Do you want him to find out from you.....or possibly from someone else down the road? It could happen.<P>But Jill, your right...you have to live by what you yourself tells you to do. You do not live your life for me....other posters...or anyone else....you live your life for God.<P>Whatever you decide...we are here for you.<P>Nancy

Jill,<P>I am so relieved that you are still with us.<P>I am inclined to agree with the others that you should tell him eventually. The idea that the marriage can only be saved through conscious deception doesn't set well with me. In a way, it is presumptuous and condescending to keep the truth from him to avoid hurting his feelings. Since your affair ended long ago and you have repented and recommitted yourself to your husband, the only one who will be devastated will be him. But the only alternative to that is to continue to deceive him. That doesn't even make sense - "deceive him for his sake"? I admire your intentions, but I disagree with you and your pastor on this point. (As you say, I don't know you, your husband, or your situation except for what you have posted, so take my viewpoint with a grain of salt).<P>Of course <B>timing</B> is everything and perhaps strengthening your marriage first will minimize the blow. If he is confident of your love and commitment to the marriage when you tell him it won't seem both shocking AND hopeless-just shocking. I know that would have helped me. But I am still concerned about two things:<P>1. The longer you put off telling him, the more upsetting it will be that you kept it from him. And now your pastor knows something that he doesn't. If that comes up later he may feel very alienated. <P>2. The guilt will still be eating at you. When he looks you in the eyes you will always know you are hiding something from him. Speaking for myself, it would be like Poe's Telltale Heart - carrying the guilt around would be a very heavy burden. The longer you carry it the riskier it will seem to reveal it. This can't be good for your emotional health.<P>I'm sorry to add to the whirlwind of conflicting ideas you are confronting. But please understand this: Even if you never do tell him, I still think you are a shining star for your determination to revive your marriage. As you have seen on many posts, fleeing the addiction takes extraordinary grit.<P>Stay with us Jill, and God bless you.

Jill,<P>In your own time...<BR>God will tell when the right time is...<BR>I (and the rest of us here) have no right to judge... and you'll find we won't!<P>Now...<BR>Start the recovery...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>...<P>And yes... in time... "honesty" will be all important!<P>Prayers and love... <P>Jim

Jill,<P>I cannot pass judgment of your decision. I have never been in your position, nor in your huisbands position. My wife had an emotional affair last year, which I discovered when I saw them together and read a letter she wrote to him. I was devastated, and would far rather have preferred her telling me than the way I found out.<P>You have to do what you feel is best. No telling is best for you, for now. You may change your mind in the future, or you may find peace. Only you will know.<P>Good luck,<BR>Kenneth

What was the rational for talking to a trusted friend first?<P>That could say alot.

wrong forum<p>[This message has been edited by NeverAgain (edited March 16, 2000).]

Jill, try not to feel like everyone here is ganging up on you, I for one, understand your apprehension. One person is saying TELL ALL but the person that knows you best is saying DON'T TELL all. It's as if you are damned if you do and you are damned if you don't. Work on better understanding yourself and why you reached out to another man. Then work on your marriage and make it stronger than it ever was. Maybe marriage counseling, asking your H what his needs are and if there are any that you have failed to meet. And in time you will discover what is best for you. Yes, it is true that their is always a chance H could find out, and that is something that will always be in the back of your mind. But you can't deal with every emotion right now, just take it one step at a time and then you will find your way to the truth.

<BR>I've taken to calling this the Paradox of the Betrayer. If you genuinely work on repairing your marriage, your love for your husband will blossom. But as that love grows, the guilt from *not* revealing the affair grows as well. As someone else mentioned, how can you look a man that you love in the eyes, knowing the full time that you're living a lie?<P>Of course, one way to deal with this aversive situation is to simply avoid, to some degree, becoming too intimate with the betrayed. That way, you don't have to face the guilt quite as much. But an intimate marriage is what Jill wants, hence the paradox. Jill wants to know, deep in her heart, that her husband wants her. She'll never know that until she confesses. She'll only know that he wants who he *thinks* she is, and the uncertainty of his desire will eat away at her like a cancer.<P>IMO, Jill will have to eventually confess, or she'll never really have the marriage *she* wants. Timing is an issue, and I recognize that. But I'm with Chris and Jim on this, a marriage based on anything less than total honesty isn't a marriage, and it isn't the sort of marriage that Jill wants.<P>Bystander

Jill,<BR>You know how I feel about this. The goal is marital preservation. Harley says always tell, but he also says almost no marriages without children survive an affair. So when people "automatically" say confession is the best, it seems a little like russian roulette. There are 5 bullets in the gun, and you are expected to take the chance that you will luck out and get the empty chamber. Or that somehow, if you don't play that game, that your life will be forever tainted. Like so many things, it is all a frame of mind. If you can find a way to reconcile your self-esteem and find forgiveness, AND make sure this never happens again, well I don't see the point in spilling your guts. Everyone here are obviously people who don't divorce over infidelity (otherwise they wouldn't be here). Saying that it is better to have no marriage than one where you keep a secret is also B*LL****. virtually none of these people have gone through what you've been through and are now divorced. They have the luxury of "total" honesty because they still have a marriage. <P>I'm glad your pastor is a little more down to earth. Total honesty is a nice thing to have in an ideal world and an ideal marriage and it is just a little hypocritical coming from people who haven't lost their marriage trying to come clean in some selfish attempt to make themselves feel better. <P>bystander,<BR>no one is ever sure from one day to the next that their spouse really loves who they "are". Everyone has a mental image of who there significant other is. The paradox, as you say, only exists as long as Jill considers herself a betrayer. Once she has forgiven herself, she will not see herself as a betrayer, and she will be able to see her reactions in a more realistic framework. The desire for confession comes from a warped idea that somehow she should be punished. This comes from herself now, because she feels guilty, and especially from other "betrayed". She has suffered enough. Maybe she will confess. Maybe she won't, but I certainly hope she doesn't confess because she thinks she's not "good enough" for her H. She can be intimate with her husband in the knowledge that she is not the same person as the one who cheated. She will feel comfortable being intimate with her H after she has forgiven herself. Her H's forgiveness has no bearing on how she feels about herself. Regardless of his reaction, she will have to forgive herself. all this makes me so sick. Like the lynch mob outside the prison just dying to see someone hang. I really have a hard time believeing anyone wants to see her confess for HER knowing what the possible, and most likely, outcome will be. Get off it!<p>[This message has been edited by TheStudent (edited March 16, 2000).]

Jill:<P>Pray about it, and God will provide you with the anwser you are seeking.<P>Hang in there,<P>Johnnie<BR>

Hey Jill:<BR> Just to be different, I won't offer any opinion...I think you'll end up thinking it thru carefully (you just seem to be that kind of person) and make whatever decision is best for you. But, I'm glad to hear from you, that you are OK. It's good to hear that you and H both missed each other!!!<BR> Keeping you in my prayers--<BR>Kathi

<BR>TS,<P>I disagree that the desire to see Jill confess comes from some hope that she'll be punished. And I *really* disagree that Jill can rectify the knowledge that she betrayed her husband by simply telling herself, "That was a different person who did that, and I'm different now." Our past, for better or worse, is part of who we are. And all the mental machinations in the world can't change that.<P>Its true that our spouses only know who we are to the extent that we reveal details about ourselves. The strength to self-validate, to reveal the bad things about ourselves, suggests a higher plane of psychological growth. And self-validating like that actually increases intimacy. See _Passionate Marriage_ for a discussion of this phenomenon.<P>Bystander<BR>

Jill,<BR>I've been reading the forum for several months now and wanted to let you know I was in your position at one time as well. I agonized over telling my husband about my affair because I honestly didn't know if he would leave me, I justified that now that I was willing to give 100% to my marriage, why tell? Wouldn't that just be relieving my own guilt and putting a horrible amount of pain on my husband, unnecessary pain when I was already falling back in love with him and committed to the marriage? <P>Over the course of two years of recovery without my husband's knowledge of the affair, I became increasingly depressed and sick about what I'd done. My husband also grew distant because of the way I acted. It was like a cancer that was eating away at me (maybe a little melodramatic sounding, but that's the way it was) and I decided I had to tell him, not to relieve myself of the guilt, but because I realized that marriage is not a place for that type of secret. I had to tell him if we were ever going to even <B> start </B> recovery. I planned for it carefully, had the kids being watched by my parents and dinner and even had a letter I gave to him that explained all of my feelings during the past 6 months (when I decided I was going to confess, I wrote down a weekly diary so he could see where I was at). His reaction was shock and grief when I told him, but he also said he was relieved because he thought he was crazy for a long time, that he had known something was going on and I would never confirm it before. We started recovery then, and it hasn't been easy at all (!) but it's been worth it, and I can't tell you what starting over with a clean slate feels like, no secrets can really bring intimacy within a marriage that wasn't there before. <P>I'm in no way trying to say telling is the only way to go right now for your particular situation, just what it was like for me and how it really can eat you up inside (like another poster said here) if you don't bring things out into the open. Also, you have to listen to yourself and what that little "inner voice" is telling you. God bless.

Gee, i actually can relate and UNDERSTAND what Bystander is saying without using the dictionary!!! YES, bystander you are starting to win me over, and we both now that what I THINK is the only thing that matters!!! just kidding<BR>Let's not start another heated debate on Jill's thread. Yes, i do believe it will always be in the back of her mind what she has done, and the guilt will be there, but we all have to give her, HER TIME, in how she choses to handle it. And I do believe she has to let her H know every piece of her being, including the bad, but if she doesn't feel ready yet, then let's just hold her hand, and listen until that time.

I hope Jill answer's my question because I think it's an important one. Maybe she doesn't know the answer. My guess from reading Harley's stuff is that she was to tell a trusted friend to have a means of support when she finally did tell her husband and to give it a try out with a somewhat less emotionally involved person. (not to have them give her advice because they know her better.) I'm for total honesty, but then I don't always practice what I preach. (There are things my husband doesn't know about me) It's hard to be the pot calling the kettle black. My secrets are relatively minor in the emotional impact realm though and have nothing to do with my husband and more to do with me.<P>Jill- some other things to think about...<P>How high does your husband rate honesty and openness? If it's one of his top needs then keeping this from him for any length of time is just going to increase the impact if he finds out.<P>How much do you trust your husband? If you think he is going to leave you over this than that is a trust issue for you to work on. Don't let the no children-no chance info scare you. We don't have children, we're making it ok. Maybe it is a matter of working on your marriage until you're sure you've deposited enough love units in his bank for him to stand the withdrawal.<P>Is a marriage lacking in total honesty and openness worth keeping? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?<P>Any decision you make comes with risks. You can't avoid them either way. That is the consequence of your decision to have an affair.<P>Anyway, the pots got her own delimma's on openness and honesty to work out.