I think we need some cheer so I'll start with this one. <P>Half a proverb... <P>A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insights may surprise you. <P>Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader <BR>Strike while the .........................Bug is close <BR>It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time <BR>Never underestimate the power of..........Termites <BR>You can lead a horse to water but.........how? <BR>Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty <BR>No news is................................impossible <BR>A miss is as good as a....................Mr. <BR>You can't teach an old dog new............math <BR>If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning <BR>Love all, trust...........................me <BR>The pen is mightier than the.............pigs <BR>An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax <BR>Where there's smoke there's...............pollution <BR>Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents <BR>A penny saved is..........................not much <BR>Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers <BR>Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed <BR>Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose <BR>None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder <BR>Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded <BR>If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries <BR>You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box <BR>When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way <BR>And the favorite... <BR>Better late than..........................pregnant <P>

Some of us (I'm talking to myself here) need to remind ourselves that this is only a joke I really like this "eek" <P>And for today's lesson...we will learn a wonderful technique for stress management<P>Picture yourself near a stream.<P>Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.<P>Nothing can bother you here.<P>No one knows this secret place.<P>You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.<P>The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.<P>The water is clear.<P>You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.<P>There now, feeling better?<P>

I know I'm hogging the thread, but, I think this one is so funny, I just have to add it to the list. <P>None of you guys take offence please, it's only a joke...<P>HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN <P>Compliment her, <BR>respect her, <BR>honor her, <BR>cuddle her, <BR>kiss her, <BR>caress her, <BR>love her, <BR>comfort her, <BR>protect her, <BR>hug her, <BR>hold her, <BR>listen to her, <BR>care for her, <BR>stand by her, <BR>support her, <BR>go to the ends of the Earth for her. <P>HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN <P>Show up naked, <BR>Bring food <P><BR>Ok, I'll shut up now and let you tell some jokes... <P>

those were really funny!! and extremely appropriate!! <BR>i can't think of any......<BR>go ahead, you can hog your own thread if you want to!!

The chicken and the egg one night got all the little ones in bed and went to their own room.......After some time the chicken left the room as he felt like having a cigarette (sorry non-smokers) The egg said to the chicken as the chicken left, "Well, now we know the answer to that question, don't we?"<P>

Here's one.... <P><B>How To Shower Like A Woman:</B> <P>1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. <BR>2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. <BR>3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. <BR>4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. <BR>5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. <BR>6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. <BR>7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. <BR>8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. <BR>9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. <BR>10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). <BR>11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. <BR>12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. <BR>13. Turn off shower. <BR>14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. <BR>15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. <BR>16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. <BR>17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. <BR>18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. <BR> <BR><B>How To Shower Like A Man</B> <BR>1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. <BR>2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound. <BR>3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls. <BR>4. Get in the shower. <BR>5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) <BR>6. Wash your face <BR>7. Wash your armpits <BR>8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. <BR>9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. <BR>10. Wash your [censored], leaving hair on the soap bar. <BR>11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) <BR>12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. <BR>13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. <BR>14. Pee (in the shower) <BR>15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk. <BR>16. Partial dry off. <BR>17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size. <BR>18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. <BR>19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. <BR>20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. <BR>21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Butterfly,<P><B>ROTFLMAO</B><P>B<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<P> WOMEN'S ENGLISh<BR>> > > "Yes" = No<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "No" = Yes<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Maybe" = No<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "We need to talk" = I need to complain.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and<BR>wallpaper...<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're not going<BR>to<BR>> > > really like me<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.]<BR>> > ><BR>> > > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *<BR>> > ><BR>> > > MEN'S ENGLISH:<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "I'm tired" = I'm tired.<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex<BR>with<BR>> > you<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex<BR>with<BR>> > you<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with<BR>you<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!<BR>> > ><BR>> > > "You look tense, let me give you a massage" = I'd eventually like to<BR>> > have<BR>> > > sex with you<BR>> > ><BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

oh thank you! this is great!<BR>i still can't think of anything....

First I have to say, I LOVE THIS THREAD!!!<BR>My kind of people. I am still taking things easy but you know laughter is the best medicine aside from the pain medication. Ha!<P>Say, I know this is an old one but maybe some of you haven't heard it. It is an old chinese proverb. <P>Man who keeps hand in pocket, feels cocky all day.<P>Can you believe my H never heard this one? And he is the one who does this! Go figure.

~ Vaseline Survey ~<BR>A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. <BR>He said,"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" <BR>She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." <BR>"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" <BR>"We use it for sex." <BR>The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" <BR>The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out". <BR>

If you've been a mother, this one will get you: <P>Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated. <P>My three year old son, John, had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands, it was very busy, with long lines and a full dining room. <P>While enjoying my hamburger, I smelled something unpleasant so of course I checked my 5 month old and he was clean. Then I realized that John had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. <P>I kept thinking, "oh Lord that child has had an accident" and I didn't have a change of clothes for him with me. <P>Then I said, "John are you sure you did not have an accident?" <P>I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse.<P> SOOO, I asked one more time "JOHN DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?" <P>This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM IT'S JUST GAS!!!!" <P>While 100 people nearly choked to death on their french fries, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. <BR>

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing<BR>and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot<BR>of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had<BR>discovered the main problem.<P> He stood up, went over to the women, asked her to stand, and<BR>gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what<BR>your wife needs, at least once a day!"<P> The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what<BR>time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"<P><p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited January 30, 2000).]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. <P>When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" <P>He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.<P>

-- The Test --<P>A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" <P>St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." <P>The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. <P>"Spell a word," St. Peter replied. <P>"What word?" she asked. <P>"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." <P>The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." <P>St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he attended to some paperwork. <P>"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" <P>St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. <P>"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" <P>Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here. Did I really make it to Heaven?" <P>The woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." <P>"What word?" he asked.<P>The woman responded, "CZECHOSLOVAKIA." <P>

K,<P>You're killing me...<P>ROTFLMAO<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<BR> Q:What's the difference between a new spouse,and a new dog?<BR> A:After a year,the dog is still excited to see you.<P><BR> Q:What makes men chase after women they have no intention of marrying?<BR> A:The same urge that makes dogs chase after cars they have no intention of driving.<P> --Murph

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>LOL!!!!!!!!ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>These are great!! Thanks, all!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I don't really have a joke, but I thought I'd share this site....<P>Check it out: <A HREF="http://smartbotpro.net/newcamera" TARGET=_blank>http://smartbotpro.net/newcamera</A> <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com<p>[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited January 30, 2000).]

This was an email forwarde to me by a friend;<P>It's called:<P><B>A Letter From Grandma</B><P>Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...<BR>> The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk<BR>> if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy<BR>> that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,<BR>> followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and<BR>> put it on my bumper.<BR>> <BR>> Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!<BR>> I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in<BR>> thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that<BR>> the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus<BR>> because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS<BR>> of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind<BR>> started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and<BR>> screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"<BR>> <BR>> What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started<BR>> honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling<BR>> at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share<BR>> in the love!<BR>> <BR>> There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him<BR>> yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in<BR>> a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked<BR>> my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it<BR>> was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.<BR>> <BR>> Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window<BR>> and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing<BR>> ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!<BR>> <BR>> A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that<BR>> they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they<BR>> wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I<BR>> noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and<BR>> brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I<BR>> was the only car that got through the intersection before the light<BR>> changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after<BR>> all the love<BR>> <BR>> we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and<BR>> gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove<BR>> away.<BR>> <BR>> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!<BR>> Grandma<P><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com