Joke Thread - Marriage Builders® Forums

I think we need some cheer so I'll start with this one. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Half a proverb... A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insights may surprise you. Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader Strike while the .........................Bug is close It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of..........Termites You can lead a horse to water but.........how? Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty No news is................................impossible A miss is as good as a....................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new............math If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning Love all, trust...........................me The pen is mightier than the.............pigs An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax Where there's smoke there's...............pollution Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents A penny saved is..........................not much Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way And the favorite... Better late than..........................pregnant

Some of us (I'm talking to myself here) need to remind ourselves that this is only a joke [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I really like this "eek" And for today's lesson...we will learn a wonderful technique for stress managementPicture yourself near a stream.Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.Nothing can bother you here.No one knows this secret place.You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.The water is clear.You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.There now, feeling better?

I know I'm hogging the thread, but, I think this one is so funny, I just have to add it to the list. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

None of you guys take offence please, it's only a joke...HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the Earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Show up naked, Bring food Ok, I'll shut up now and let you tell some jokes... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

those were really funny!! and extremely appropriate!! i can't think of any...... go ahead, you can hog your own thread if you want to!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

The chicken and the egg one night got all the little ones in bed and went to their own room.......After some time the chicken left the room as he felt like having a cigarette (sorry non-smokers) The egg said to the chicken as the chicken left, "Well, now we know the answer to that question, don't we?"

Here's one.... How To Shower Like A Woman: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one) 6. Wash your face 7. Wash your armpits 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your [censored], leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner) 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower) 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk. 16. Partial dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Butterfly,ROTFLMAOB------------------ BB

WOMEN'S ENGLISh > > > "Yes" = No > > > > > > "No" = Yes > > > > > > "Maybe" = No > > > > > > "It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now > > > > > > "Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later. > > > > > > "We need to talk" = I need to complain. > > > > > > "Sure....... ... go ahead" = I don't want you to. > > > > > > "I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron! > > > > > > "Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs. > > > > > > "This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house. > > > > > > "I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper... > > > > > > "I heard a noise" =I noticed you were almost asleep. > > > > > > "Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive > > > > > > "How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're not going to > > > really like me > > > > > > "Is my butt fat?" = Tell me I'm beautiful. > > > > > > "You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me. > > > > > > "Are you listening to me?" = [Too late, you're dead.] > > > > > > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > > > > > > MEN'S ENGLISH: > > > > > > "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry. > > > > > > "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy. > > > > > > "I'm tired" = I'm tired. > > > > > > "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with > > you > > > > > > "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with > > you > > > > > > "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you > > > > > > "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you > > > > > > "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage! > > > > > > "You look tense, let me give you a massage" = I'd eventually like to > > have > > > sex with you > > > ------------------ BB

oh thank you! this is great! i still can't think of anything....

First I have to say, I LOVE THIS THREAD!!! My kind of people. I am still taking things easy but you know laughter is the best medicine aside from the pain medication. Ha!Say, I know this is an old one but maybe some of you haven't heard it. It is an old chinese proverb. Man who keeps hand in pocket, feels cocky all day.Can you believe my H never heard this one? And he is the one who does this! Go figure.

~ Vaseline Survey ~ A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a Young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He said,"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out".

If you've been a mother, this one will get you: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? Well, I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated. My three year old son, John, had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch in between errands, it was very busy, with long lines and a full dining room. While enjoying my hamburger, I smelled something unpleasant so of course I checked my 5 month old and he was clean. Then I realized that John had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, "oh Lord that child has had an accident" and I didn't have a change of clothes for him with me. Then I said, "John are you sure you did not have an accident?" I just knew that he must have had an accident, cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO, I asked one more time "JOHN DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?" This time with a little smirk on his face he jumped up and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM IT'S JUST GAS!!!!" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their french fries, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the women, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited January 30, 2000).]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

-- The Test --A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he attended to some paperwork. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here. Did I really make it to Heaven?" The woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked.The woman responded, "CZECHOSLOVAKIA."

K,You're killing me...ROTFLMAO------------------ BB

Q:What's the difference between a new spouse,and a new dog? A:After a year,the dog is still excited to see you. Q:What makes men chase after women they have no intention of marrying? A:The same urge that makes dogs chase after cars they have no intention of driving. --Murph

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOL!!!!!!!!ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!These are great!! Thanks, all!Roll Me Away------------------ "Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."Sir Humphry Davy

I don't really have a joke, but I thought I'd share this site....Check it out: <A HREF="http://smartbotpro.net/newcamera" TARGET=_blank>http://smartbotpro.net/newcamera</A> ------------------ "If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."lady_divine77@yahoo.com[This message has been edited by jamie-lee (edited January 30, 2000).]

This was an email forwarde to me by a friend;It's called:A Letter From GrandmaGot a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes... > The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk > if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy > that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, > followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and > put it on my bumper. > > Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! > I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in > thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that > the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus > because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS > of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind > started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and > screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" > > What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started > honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling > at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share > in the love! > > There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him > yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in > a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked > my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it > was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. > > Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window > and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing > ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too! > > A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that > they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they > wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I > noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and > brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I > was the only car that got through the intersection before the light > changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after > all the love > > we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and > gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove > away. > > Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! > Grandma------------------ "If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."lady_divine77@yahoo.com

Here's another one to start the week off right!What Are You In Here For?Two little kids are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little nervous."The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"The first kid says, "A circumcision."And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"------------------ There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. -- John Oliver HolmesThe opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. -- Elie Wiesel

Good Monday Morning Everyone! Here's one before I have to get going at work.....A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon approached the man with an offer."I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a hundred and fifty dollars.""That's a lot of money," the guy pointed out, admiring her voluptuous body."I'm worth it," she assured him breathily. "For a hundred and fifty dollars, I'll act out any fantasy. In fact, I can make any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby.""Any three words? For a hundred and fifty dollars?" The man's voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept up his leg.She nodded, reaching up with the other hand to caress the back of his neck while he considered the offer.Finally he leaned back with a big smile and announced "It's a deal!"He leaned over and whispered, "Paint my house." ------------------ There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. -- John Oliver HolmesThe opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. -- Elie Wiesel

these are great!!!!!!what is roflmao??

Too funny!!!!Oh, Neen, rolling on the floor laughing my a$$ off!!!Keep it up guys!Lori

A Father and son were shopping when they happen to walk by the condom display. The boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". Oh, I see!", replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of those in health class at school." He looks over the display, picks up a package of 3, and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday"."WOW!!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January... one for February... one for March... one for April...one for May............."

This is an oldie, but goodie:----------------------------------------- Subject: Men are from Mars....Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.In-class Assignment for Wednesday: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with someone else. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."-------------------------------------------- STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. ------------- Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. ------------- He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. ------------ Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" ------------- This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent. ------------- Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. ------------- a**hole. ------------- b*tch.[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited January 31, 2000).]

The Top 6 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love6> "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend seek you!"5> "Cuddling, afterplay -- a Jedi craves not these things."4> "Do me or do me not -- there is no try."3> "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."2> "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"And the number thing uttered by Yoda while making love:1> "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

ThisAlex:Good one. But you forgot about the 3-dozen economy pack for guys married more than 10 years.Also called 'a lifetime supply'.

How are you doing my late night buddy...gotten any more sleep? How are things going? <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>Originally posted by Keosha: I think we need some cheer so I'll start with this one. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Sorry Blond Joke [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"The guy thinks about it a second and says: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy comes in and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me right on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"

Doug,Good comment, but what will you do with the left overs (at least 7 I guess), inflate them for a B-day Party?What about this one?PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINERING... RING... CLICK"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want- just stay on the line so we can trace the call.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press- no one will answer.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable - in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - - a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, - a jar of politician brains for $50 an ounce, - and a jar of lawyer brains for the pricely sum of $800 an ounce.The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off! How come the lawyer brains are so expensive?”The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

Sir Hurts Alot,I love that one about the lawyers. I was in court all day today. I had a lot of cases that plead not guilty. Me and some of the guys were picking at the lawyers just to past time. I have to tell them about this one at work tomorrow!Keep this thread going guys, It's hilarious. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ "If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."lady_divine77@yahoo.com

~ Bar Joke ~A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."The guy raises his eyebrows and says........."No kiding, what law firm do you work for?"

--- Train Trouble ---This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, a$$-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small." [This message has been edited by Keosha (edited January 31, 2000).]

A guy shows up to work monday morning with two black eyes...His boss asks what happened?The guy begins to tell the story of how he was in church the day before...they were standing singing a beautiful hymn of praise..the man noticed that the very large woman in front of him, had her dress stuck in the crack of her butt..being the good christian fellow he is..he reached out and removed the womans dress from her behind..the woman spun around..exclaimed..of all the nerve!!.. and slugged the gentlman in the eye..His boss says wow, thats terrible..what happened to your other eye?Well..She was so fond of her dress being stuck in the crack of her behind..I was obligated to put it back...------------------ BB [This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited January 31, 2000).]

Things I Have Learned:I've learned that you can't make someone love you.All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.I've learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just [censored].I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,unless we are celebrities.I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,they will eventually get arrested,and end up in the local paper.I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others.They are more screwed up than you think.I've learned that regardless how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,the passion fades,and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place. --Murph

HAHAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!!These keep getting better! Tell some more...sorry, I am not a joke teller...can't ever remember them.Roll Me Away------------------ "Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."Sir Humphry Davy

Here's the only joke that I am ever able to remember. Three construction workers are sitting 350 feet above the ground working on a building. It is lunch time so they gather to eat together. The first one, Italian opens his lunch kit and screams "lasagna again! Ugggggh - if I get lasagna in my lunch one more time I'm going to jump from the top of this building."The second construction worker, a Canadian, his lunch. Inside is a back bacon sandwich. He too screams loudly "Not another back bacon sandwich, if I get one more back bacon sandwich ever, I'm going to jump from the top of this building."The third construction worker, a chinese man opens his lunch kit and is horified to find won ton soup and chow mein. "If I get won ton soup and chow mein in my lunch ONE MORE TIME, I too am going to jump from the top of this building."The next day, lunch time..............The Italian gentleman opens his lunch kit, finds lasagna, screams and jumps from the building. He dies immediately.The Canadian gentleman opens his lunch kit, finds a back bacon sandwich and jumps from the building. He too dies immediately.The Chinese gentleman opens his lunch kit and finds won ton soup and chow mein and predictably he too jumps to his immediate death.The wives of the three men plan funeral services for all three together. After the service they gather to talk about what led to the deaths of their loved ones.The wife of the Italian man says "Mama mia, if I had a know Gino didn't like the lasagna, I would a never given it too him again."The wife of the Canadian man says "If Tyler had of given me any idea that he didn't want back bacon, I would have never made him another one for the rest of his life eh?"The wife of the Chinese man scratches her head in confusion. "What's wrong?" ask the other two. "I just don't get it.....Ting has made his own lunch every work day as far back as I can remember"...............

Well, okay, guys. I guess I have to be the first one to come out with a really gross one:------------Three men are sitting around talking about how heavily they partied the night before. The first guy says, "Man, I got SO drunk last night. I woke up this morning in my car with a splitting headache. When I could sit up, I realized I was in a town 200 miles away, and I have no idea how I got there."The second guy says, "Yeah? Well, I got so drunk last night, this morning, I woke up in a house I used to own 10 years ago. I guess I just forgot where I was going and went back to the old home. You can imagine how embarassing THAT was!"The third guy says, "Yeah, I know what you guys mean. I got so wasted last night, that when I got home, I blew chunks."The first two guys look at each other, puzzled. "So what, man? You get drunk like that and puke all the time. What's so special about your story?"The first guy pauses, and then says, "Guys, I don't think you understand. 'Chunks' is my dog."------------------ /// Lone Star * ///[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited February 01, 2000).]

OK, since Lone Star started the dirty stuff, I'll throw one in. But, if you have any respect for me, don't read this.----------------- A little girl comes home from school one day excited about what she learned.little girl: "Mommy, I learned how mommy's get babies!"mom: "Really, tell me what you learned."little girl: "Well, first the mommy and daddy go to their room and close the door."mom: "yes."little girl: "Then they take off all their clothes."mom: "yes, then what?" little girl: "Then the daddy sticks his penius in the mommy's mouth."mom: "WHAT?!"little girl: "Then this stuff comes out of the penius and goes in the mommy's tummy and the daddy then goes to sleep with a big smile on his face. And that's how mommy's get babies!"mom: "No, sweetheart. That's not how mommy's get babies, that's how mommy's get jewelry." [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

jamie-lee: since you like lawyer jokes, I'll throw another one in. ----------------- An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy in hell.One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!!!" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

How 'bout this one:A minister passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and welcomes him."Let me show you where you'll be staying, preacher," says St. Peter.The minister and St. Peter stroll through the clouds, and as they go, St. Peter points out some of the interesting landmarks.As they walk, the preacher sees some very nice homes. First, they pass a large Victorian home with a beautifully manicured lawn. Next, they pass an even larger Colonial home with ornate statues and a nice fountain out in front. Then, they pass a gigantic estate with rolling hills and a mansion the size of which the minister had NEVER seen before.At long last, they reach a very small, modest home, and St. Peter stops. "Here is your new home, my son," he says.The minister, trying not to show his disappointment, thanks St. Peter, but as Peter turns to go, the minister can't help but stop him."Peter," he says, "we walked past some really nice homes on the way here. I thought that as a man of God, I might be entitled to something a little better than this. Who lived in those houses?"St. Peter says, "Well, the first house is Mother Theresa's home."The minister acknowledges that Mother Theresa certainly deserved a nice home after her years of sacrifice.St. Peter continued, "The second home, the Colonial, is where the Pope now lives."Again, the minister is forced to accept that the Pope certainly deserved a nice home.Finally, St. Peter says, "And, the last home is the home of a lawyer."Hearing this, the minister feels he HAS to speak up. "But, St. Peter, he says, why does a lawyer deserve such a palace, when the Pope gets something so much smaller?"Without batting an eye, St. Peter says, "We've got lots of popes here. How many lawyers do you think there are here?"------------------ /// Lone Star * ///

The Monkey and the cue ball A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink andwhile he's drinking it the monkey jumps all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced limesand eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little [censored]. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves. Two weeks later, the same patron and his monkey are in the bar again. He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the cherry sticks it up his [censored], pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted and exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" responds the patron. "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his [censored], then pulled it out and ate it!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he measures everything first." > >>>My Mom sent me this one...Bill------------------ BB

I posted this a while back...I can't type the proper voice inflection plese use your own imagination.A fourth grade teacher says to her class "today I want everyone to tell a story about someone in their family that has an imporatnt life lesson in it. OK, Suzy you go first.""My granddaddy is a chicken farmer and he sells the eggs at the market.Well one day we were going to the market and his truck hit a great big bunp and knocked over the box that the eggs were in and broke almost all of them. And the lifes lesson is don't put all of your eggs in one basket."" Very good," said the teacher," Mary your turn."Mary stands up and says," my daddy is also a chicken farmer, only he raises them for the meat. Well he knows how much he can get for each one. Last summer we had over a thousand eggs, so daddy bought a new car. Well only half of then hatched and daddy had to sell the car. And the lesson is don't count your chickens before they hatch.""Very good Mary."Little Johnny was in the back of the class with his hand raised."OK johnny you can go."Little Johnny got up from his desk walked to the front of the class and put his hand on his hips."My uncle Frank was a fighter pilot in Vietnam. One day he was on a mission behind enemy lines when he was shot out of the sky! He ejected from the jet a pulled his parachute. On the way down he pulled a bottle of whiskey out of his pocket and drank the WHOLE thing. As soon as he hit the ground he was surrounded by a Hundred of the enemy. He pulled out his pistol and killed ten of them, then he grabbed his machette and killed seventy more and his machette broke so he had to kill the last twenty with his BARE hands.""OK," said the teacher,"what is the lesson?"" DON'T F**K WITH UNCLE FRANK WHEN HE"S DRUNK!!"------------------Bill ------------------ BB

OK, this story took place in a Caribbean Island... ------------------------------------------------------A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.""Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!!"

Hi, don't have any jokes but wanted to say this is great and so are these. Thanks for the laughter.------------------ God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. Samantha

This is a GREAT Thread!! Thanks for starting it. Now.... here's another one....The following is from a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave this example of a coping skill for job stress:When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by *Q-Tip*. Be very sure that you get this brand.When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice in small print the statement that "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."------------------ There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. -- John Oliver HolmesThe opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. -- Elie Wiesel

Ok, Ok.....one more, then I'm going to call it a night....Looking ForwardWhen Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle."Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'" ------------------ There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. -- John Oliver HolmesThe opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. -- Elie Wiesel

Hi all, Thought I'd get in on this today... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

Hugs & Kisses, TCFA Very Special DayOver breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog's Day in my life!" [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ If you have a special occasion, or see someone here who could use a card... please e-mail me at card_fairie@hotmail.com. Hugs & Kisses, TCF

Gotta another one. Here goes.....The Mermaid's Wishes Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.Then the second guy said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the'mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about this? It will change your whole life!" the man said "yes," so the mermaid turned him into a woman." ------------------ "If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."lady_divine77@yahoo.com

And another....*Men Never Listen" > > A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but > each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his > predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned > him not to press any of the buttons. > > There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: > > WW WA PP ATR > > Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he > disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He > carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm > Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really > have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body > temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it > comfortably. Aha, he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the > bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP, > with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and > dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great, " he thought > as he reached out for the ATR button..................... > > When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in > confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had > happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in > the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, Yes, you must have > been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal > button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow." > > ------------------ "If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."lady_divine77@yahoo.com

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!) NAME: Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

"Tendjewberrymud" Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997": A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the "Far East Economic Review"... Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. [censored] ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G: "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G: "You're welcome"

A commercial airline jet was sitting at the airport waiting for the pilot and copilot to arrive. Just as the passengers started to really get restless, the airline announced that the pilot and copilot had just gotten in and were on their way over.The pair came in through the rear door and started making their way up through the plane. The passengers began whispering amongst each other when it became obvious that the pilot and copilot appeared blind. Both of them were making their way toward the cockpit, tapping their red and white sticks against anything in their path. The copilot even had a seeing-eye dog pulling him along the aisles. After they sat down in the cockpit, the passengers exchanged a few nervous laughs and thin jokes about the safety of the flight. The engines revved up and the plane began taxiing over to the runway.At this point, a few passengers were craning their necks trying to look into the cockpit to see what the pilots were doing. When the aircraft approached the runway, the engines grew louder and louder and the plane started rolling going faster and faster down the runway. While the plane was obviously exceeding take off speed, the plane continued on the ground, racing down the runway.The passengers started getting frantic as they sensed something seriously wrong. As the end of the runway was fast drawing near, the passengers began yelling and screaming frantically. Just then, as it seemed they were going to crash, the plane suddenly lifted off and began its ascent.After the plane was at a safe altitude, the copilot turned his head toward the pilot and said, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and then how are we going to know?"

ME AGAIN, I COULD'T HELP IT.This is not a joke but.... you be the judge. Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them... really.Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something).Think of a number from 1 to 10 Multiply that number by 9 If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits togetherNow subtract 5Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.) Think of a country that starts with that letter Remember the last letter in the name of that country Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter Are you thinking of Kangaroos in Denmark?If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of English speaking people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Freaky, huh? Keep this message going. Forward it to people you know and see if they can see if they are usual or unusual.[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 02, 2000).]

A man was walking his pet duck when they both passed a movie theater. A film was playing he really wanted to see, so he went to buy a ticket."You can't bring a duck into the theater," the woman said.Dejected, the man walked away. But he really wanted to see that movie! So he turned the corner, stuck his duck down his pants, and returned to the ticket counter. Not seeing any duck this time, he was allowed in.He took his seat in the dark theater. After awhile he thought he better let his duck have some air, so he unzipped his pants, and the duck stuck its head out.Two older women were in the next couple seats. The one turned to the other and said, "Hey, this guy next to me is exposing himself!"The other woman said, "Oh well, you've seen one, you've seen them all!"The first woman said, "Yeah, but THIS one's eating my popcorn!"

REMEMBER ANY OF THESE FROM OUR CHILDHOOD? Blackjack and Beeman's gum Powerhouse candy bars Licorice records Wax teeth, lips and mustaches Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water Candy lipstick Candy cigarettes Fizzies Soda pop machines that dispense bottles Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels Party lines Rotary phones Drive-ins with car hops Sock hops Winter rubber boots with metal latches [censored] caps P.F. Flyers Angora sweaters Bouffant hairdos Spoolies (and this is?)--little round rubber hair curlers Hair dryers with plastic caps Butch wax (do I want to know what this is???)-- thick hair stuff, like vaseline Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts Tin-can telephones Peashooters Cork popguns Roll of cap-gun caps Howdy Doody puppets Beanie and Cecil dolls Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes Roller skates that clip onto shoes Roller skate keys S & H green stamps and plaid stamps Metal lunchboxes Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV screen (YES, this is for real?) Crystal radios Console hi-fi's with 78s 45-rpm records Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines Slide rules Levered metal ice trays Mimeograph paper Carbon paper Flash bulbs Eight-track tape decks Home movie cameras Brownie camera [censored] and Jane readers

(_!_) a regular [censored] (__!__) a fat [censored] (!) a tight [censored] (_^^_) a bubble [censored] (_*_) a sore [censored] {_!_} a swishy [censored] (_o_) an [censored] that's been around (_x_) kiss my [censored] (_X_) leave my [censored] alone (_zzz_) a tired [censored] (_o^^o_) a wise [censored] (_E=mc2_) a smart [censored] (_$_) Money coming out of his [censored] (_?_) Dumb [censored]

Q: Did you hear about the survey taken during National Orgasim week ? A: Unfortunatly 9 out of 10 were faking the celebration.Decisiontime, boy now I feel old! Remember them all,(even tho I was just a baby at the time.) except the Winky Dink thing? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

------------------ Peg[This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 03, 2000).][This message has been edited by Peggy (edited February 03, 2000).]

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several nuts rolled out toward the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew what it was. Oh my, he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls. "The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is. But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

A nearsighted minister glanced at a note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher. The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety. Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for ranch hands Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and we've both done nothing but work for weeks. The ranch looks great, and I'm taking Saturday night off and going into town to kick up my heels and paint the town red, and I think you should do the same." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night each went to town. The rancher's wife had dinner and drinks with friends, and talked and joked and danced, and had a great time, getting home about midnight. The hired hand wasn't home yet, so she decided to wait up for him. One o'clock and no hired hand yet. Two o'clock and no hired hand and she began to worry. At two-thirty in came the hired hand.The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and called him over by her. "Now I'm the boss," she said, "and you have to do what I tell you, right?" "Well. . . Yes," he answered. "Then unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. He did as she asked. "Now take off my boots." He did. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." Again he did as she asked. "Now take off my panties. And again he did what she told him. Then she looked at him and said, "Don't ever wear my clothes to town again."

OK...here's one I just got in email:A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"

CAUTION!!!!!! DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EXTREMELY SENSITIVE ABOUT THE SITUATION YOU ARE IN. ESP IF IT INVOLVED A MOTEL 6 [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

TOP 15 SLOGANS REJECTED BY MOTEL 6 15. Because you deserve better than the back seat of some car. 14. As seen on "COPS" 13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the sheets. 12. Not just for nooners anymore. 11. We left off the '9,' but you know it's there. 10. You rented the room; now buy the video! 9. Sure you could stay some place nicer, but then you wouldn't have money left over for the hooker. 8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya. 7. Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your secretary there on your salary. 6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER. 5. It's Hooker-rific! 4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins. 3. Blurring the line between stains and avant-garde sheet art since 1962. 2. Cheap and easy - just like your sister. 1. We put the Ho in Hotel.Sorry, sometimes I just have to laugh at what has happened or I'll cry all the time.

Natural LawA lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."This puzzled the groom since, after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.She responded:"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.""My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me the documentation.""My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.""My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying - 'Those who CAN, DO; those who can't, teach.""My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.""My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.""My seventh husband was from Finance and administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.""My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.""My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.""My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it"."My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.""My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was . . .God I miss him!""So now I've married you, and I'm really excited.""Why is that," asked the lawyer."Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

First Grade - True story One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said - 'Holy Sh1t!! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.[This message has been edited by Sparkydog (edited February 03, 2000).]

OK, I'll add one too.Sorry ladies . . . . . . A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. "Well," said her mother, "so -- how was the honeymoon?" "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home...... PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?" "Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!" "Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, and Cook.. I'm ducking now . . . . .

Women's Guide to the Male Vocabulary "Haven't I seen you before?"("Nice [censored]!") "I'm a romantic"("I'm poor.") "I need you."("My hand is tired".) "I really want to get to know you better." ("So I can tell all my friends about it!") "I don't know if I like her."("She won't sleep with me.") "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"(Is my penis really that small?") "I had a wonderful time last night."("What was your name again?") "I've been thinking a lot lately."("You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.") "I'll give you a call."("I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.") "How much do you love me?"("I've done something real stupid,and someone's on their way to tell you.") "You're the only girl I care about."("You're the only girl who hasn't rejected me.") "I think we should just be friends."("You're ugly.") "I've learned a lot from you."("Next!") "I have something important to tell you." ("Get tested.") --Murph

This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.4. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.5. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.6. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.7. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.8. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..."10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

One for the ladies . . . In the hospital, The relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber."I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news." he said as he surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"The doctor quickly responded, "$200 for a female brain, and $500 for a male brain."The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A girl, unable to control her curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at her childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's a standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they're used."

Classified Ads -------------- The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers: Free puppies: 1/2 cocker spaniel - 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog Free yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog. 1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed. Snow blower for sale... only used on snowy days. Free puppies...part German shepherd - part stupid dog 2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15 Tickle me elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800 Cows, calves never bred... also 1 gay bull for sale. 83 toyota hunchback -- $2000 star wars job of the hut - $15 Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue 89 cents German shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free. Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bath home. For sale: lee majors (6 million dollar man) - $50 nordic track $300 hardly used ..........call Chubbie Bill's septic cleaning "we haul American made products" Shakespeare's pizza - free chopsticks Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat..been out awhile.. better be reward. Hummels - largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!" Get a little john: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer. Harrisburg postal employees gun club Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb. Nice parachute: never opened - used once slightly stained Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat. American flag 60 stars - pole included $100 Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour. Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box springs -$175. Our sofa seats the whole mob and it's made of 100% Italian leather. Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300. Lawyer says client is not that guilty. Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb. Gas cloud clears out taco bell.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals

Ribald Fable:On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3-series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.Back at the bog, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B'mer and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented, best buddies, best pals.A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and he too began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his Willie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story?When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Bringing this back up-We need some more jokes! Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow a lawn. Why did God create women? Because sheep can't cook. --Murph

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!" Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Hey Alex, that was great! I love it!Here's one..... A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect: 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. However, they both notic he has an extreme case of bad dandruff.The man gets off on the 5th floor.Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders'." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?" [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

~ Diary of a Snow Shoveler ~(This is *really* long, but it's funny all the way through)December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had.Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.December 12: The sun melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my [censored] on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think is very cruel.December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.December 20: Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they say they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and its so cold it won't probably melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that son of a ***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !+$#@?*# slop tonight.Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.December 27: Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.December 28: Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving me crazy!December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?December 30: Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to mother. 9" predicted.December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.Why am I tied to the bed?

~ A Super Comeback ~This is an exact recount of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, .... we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they ever touch a firearm."FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day, the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hanger with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"So, they poured themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! No bad side effects. Nothing! Then, the phone rings....it's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing....." "What's that?" asked Bud. "Have you farted yet, Bud?" "No...." "Well DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!

Why do doctors spank newborn babies?To knock the weenies off the SMART ones!

(HOPE NOBODY GETS OFFENDED)The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale."Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies.""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing."Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out.""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.""I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.""Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.""Oh my God!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture."She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, Eh. . . equipment?""That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.""Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now."Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Cannon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.Madam ? Madam?. . . Good Lord, she's fainted !!"[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited June 21, 2000).]

Well Goobers always in for a good jokeAl and Jim are bungie jumping off a bridge in Mexico for the first time. A crowd, who have never seen bungie jumpers before gathers below.Al gets suited up and makes a beautiful jump. He bounces back up and gets back on the bridge. Much to Jims surprise Als face is covered in blood. Jim: " Hey what happened was the rope too long?, Al: No, the rope was fine but whats a piniata?

TWO NEW ELEMENTSTwo new additions to the Periodic Table of Elements:Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WOAtomic Weight: (don't even go there)Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing. And may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb reat amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XYAtomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as younger samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.------------------ Josie_Res@Hotmail.com"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak that will snap in the wind"

> Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was > empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in > his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" > Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. > "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped > dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a > dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He > asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", > said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked > the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a > dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you > Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller > Jesus." ___________________________________________

> A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated >> > > their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared >> > > and said that because they had been such a loving couple all >> > > those years, she would give them one wish each. >> > > >> > > The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved >> > > her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. >> > > >> > > Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then >> > > said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger >> > > than me." >> > > >> > > The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90! >> > >> > >

Corny Joke:A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his back.Police suspect a cereal killer. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

JoJo

OK, how about this one...A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her...They kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."

Back to the TOP!Oh Gawd, don't start with the Blonde jokes!BLONDE'S REVENGE: ********* REDHEADS *********How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say somethingHow do you get a redhead's mood to change? Wait 10 secondsIf you love a Redhead, set her free ... if she follows you everywhere you go, she pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? The piranha. They only attack in schools.What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal.Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it. ********* BRUNETTES *********What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it.What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it.What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.Why is the brunette considered an evil color? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

(Ouch! That one hurt)Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price.Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.

Remote control revenge: Link for the hot new item every woman MUST HAVE... <A HREF="http://www.pages2send.com/girlsdream.htm" TARGET=_blank>www.pages2send.com/girlsdream.htm</A>