Well, okay, guys. I guess I have to be the first one to come out with a really gross one:<P>------------<P>Three men are sitting around talking about how heavily they partied the night before. <P>The first guy says, "Man, I got SO drunk last night. I woke up this morning in my car with a splitting headache. When I could sit up, I realized I was in a town 200 miles away, and I have no idea how I got there."<P>The second guy says, "Yeah? Well, I got so drunk last night, this morning, I woke up in a house I used to own 10 years ago. I guess I just forgot where I was going and went back to the old home. You can imagine how embarassing THAT was!"<P>The third guy says, "Yeah, I know what you guys mean. I got so wasted last night, that when I got home, I blew chunks."<P>The first two guys look at each other, puzzled. "So what, man? You get drunk like that and puke all the time. What's so special about <I>your</I> story?"<P>The first guy pauses, and then says, "Guys, I don't think you understand. 'Chunks' is my dog."<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited February 01, 2000).]

OK, since Lone Star started the dirty stuff, I'll throw one in. But, if you have any respect for me, don't read this.<P>-----------------<BR>A little girl comes home from school one day excited about what she learned.<P>little girl: "Mommy, I learned how mommy's get babies!"<P>mom: "Really, tell me what you learned."<P>little girl: "Well, first the mommy and daddy go to their room and close the door."<P>mom: "yes."<P>little girl: "Then they take off all their clothes."<P>mom: "yes, then what?"<P><BR>little girl: "Then the daddy sticks his penius in the mommy's mouth."<P>mom: "WHAT?!"<P>little girl: "Then this stuff comes out of the penius and goes in the mommy's tummy and the daddy then goes to sleep with a big smile on his face. And that's how mommy's get babies!"<P>mom: "No, sweetheart. That's not how mommy's get babies, that's how mommy's get jewelry." <BR>

jamie-lee: since you like lawyer jokes, I'll throw another one in.<BR>-----------------<BR>An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. <P>Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy in hell.<P>One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."<P>God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have been sent down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on staff, and I'm keeping him." <P>God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!!!" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are <B>YOU</B> going to get a lawyer?"<BR>

How 'bout this one:<P>A minister passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greets him and welcomes him.<P>"Let me show you where you'll be staying, preacher," says St. Peter.<P>The minister and St. Peter stroll through the clouds, and as they go, St. Peter points out some of the interesting landmarks.<P>As they walk, the preacher sees some very nice homes. First, they pass a large Victorian home with a beautifully manicured lawn. Next, they pass an even larger Colonial home with ornate statues and a nice fountain out in front. Then, they pass a gigantic estate with rolling hills and a mansion the size of which the minister had NEVER seen before.<P>At long last, they reach a very small, modest home, and St. Peter stops. "Here is your new home, my son," he says.<P>The minister, trying not to show his disappointment, thanks St. Peter, but as Peter turns to go, the minister can't help but stop him.<P>"Peter," he says, "we walked past some really nice homes on the way here. I thought that as a man of God, I might be entitled to something a little better than this. Who lived in those houses?"<P>St. Peter says, "Well, the first house is Mother Theresa's home."<P>The minister acknowledges that Mother Theresa certainly deserved a nice home after her years of sacrifice.<P>St. Peter continued, "The second home, the Colonial, is where the Pope now lives."<P>Again, the minister is forced to accept that the Pope certainly deserved a nice home.<P>Finally, St. Peter says, "And, the last home is the home of a lawyer."<P>Hearing this, the minister feels he HAS to speak up. "But, St. Peter, he says, why does a lawyer deserve such a palace, when the Pope gets something so much smaller?"<P>Without batting an eye, St. Peter says, "We've got lots of popes here. How many lawyers do you think there are here?"<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

The Monkey and the cue ball<P> A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink andwhile<BR> he's drinking it the monkey jumps all over the place. The monkey grabs<BR> some olives off the bar and eats them. Then, he grabs some sliced<BR>limesand eats them too. As if that wasn't enough, he then jumps up onto the<BR> pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it whole.<P> The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"<BR> <BR>"No, what?"<P> "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender.<BR> <BR>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron.<BR>"He eats everything in sight, the little [censored]. I'll pay for everything he eats, cue ball and all." <P>The patron finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.<P> Two weeks later, the same patron and his monkey are in the bar again.<BR>He orders a drink and, sure enough, the monkey starts running around the bar<BR> again. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs the<BR> cherry sticks it up his [censored], pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is<BR> disgusted and exclaims, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" <P>"No, what?" responds the patron.<P> "Your monkey just stuck a maraschino cherry up his [censored], then pulled it out and ate it!" <P>"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron, "Ever since he ate that damned cue ball, he<BR> measures everything first."<BR>> >>><P>My Mom sent me this one...<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

I posted this a while back...<P>I can't type the proper voice inflection plese use your own imagination.<P>A fourth grade teacher says to her class "today I want everyone to tell a story about someone in their family that has an imporatnt life lesson in it. OK, Suzy you go first."<P>"My granddaddy is a chicken farmer and he sells the eggs at the market.Well one day we were going to the market and his truck hit a great big bunp and knocked over the box that the eggs were in and broke almost all of them. And the lifes lesson is don't put all of your eggs in one basket."<P>" Very good," said the teacher," Mary your turn."<P>Mary stands up and says," my daddy is also a chicken farmer, only he raises them for the meat. Well he knows how much he can get for each one. Last summer we had over a thousand eggs, so daddy bought a new car. Well only half of then hatched and daddy had to sell the car. And the lesson is don't count your chickens before they hatch."<P>"Very good Mary."<P>Little Johnny was in the back of the class with his hand raised."OK johnny you can go."<P>Little Johnny got up from his desk walked to the front of the class and put his hand on his hips.<P>"My uncle Frank was a fighter pilot in Vietnam. One day he was on a mission behind enemy lines when he was shot out of the sky! He ejected from the jet a pulled his parachute. On the way down he pulled a bottle of whiskey out of his pocket and drank the WHOLE thing. As soon as he hit the ground he was surrounded by a Hundred of the enemy. He pulled out his pistol and killed ten of them, then he grabbed his machette and killed seventy more and his machette broke so he had to kill the last twenty with his BARE hands."<P>"OK," said the teacher,"what is the lesson?"<P>" DON'T F**K WITH UNCLE FRANK WHEN HE"S DRUNK!!"<P>------------------<P>Bill<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

OK, this story took place in a Caribbean Island...<BR>------------------------------------------------------<P>A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.<P>A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."<P>The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."<P>"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!!"

Hi, don't have any jokes but wanted to say this is great and so are these. Thanks for the laughter.<P>------------------<BR><B>God bless you and all of us. We are all going to make it, all of us! With God on our side we can't loose. What God has joined together let no man put asunder. <P>Samantha</B>

This is a GREAT Thread!! Thanks for starting it. Now.... here's another one....<P>The following is from a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology. He gave this example of a coping skill for job stress:<P>When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this:<P>On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer<BR>made by *Q-Tip*. Be very sure that you get this brand.<P>When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that<BR>it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice in small print the statement that "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested."<P>Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, <B>"I am so glad I do<BR>not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company."</B><P><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Ok, Ok.....one more, then I'm going to call it a night....<P>Looking Forward<P>When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.<P>"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?" <P>"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.<P>A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next. <P>Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Hi all, <BR>Thought I'd get in on this today... <BR>Hugs & Kisses,<BR>TCF<P><B>A Very Special Day</B><P>Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't<BR>know what day this is." <P>"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the<BR>office. <P>At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was<BR>handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. <P>At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. <P>Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. <P>The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. <P>"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she<BR>exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog's Day in my life!" <P><BR><P>------------------<BR>If you have a special occasion, or see someone here who could use a card... please e-mail me at card_fairie@hotmail.com. <BR>Hugs & Kisses,<BR>TCF

Gotta another one. Here goes.....<P>The Mermaid's Wishes<P><BR>Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid,<BR>the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher<BR>said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his<BR>surprise he started reciting shakespeare.<P>Then the second guy said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough<BR>the'mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math<BR>problems he didn't know existed.<P>The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to<BR>quadruple his I.Q and the mermaid said "Are you sure about<BR>this? It will change your whole life!" the man said "yes,"<BR>so the mermaid turned him into a woman."<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

And another....<P>*Men Never Listen"<BR>><BR>> A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but<BR>> each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his<BR>> predicament, suggested he use the attendants' LADIES room, but cautioned<BR>> him not to press any of the buttons.<BR>><BR>> There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively:<BR>><BR>> WW WA PP ATR<BR>><BR>> Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he<BR>> disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He<BR>> carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm<BR>> Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought, "Wow, these gals really<BR>> have it nice." So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body<BR>> temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it<BR>> comfortably. Aha, he thought, "No wonder these women take so long in the<BR>> bathroom with these kind of services!" So he pushed the next button, PP,<BR>> with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and<BR>> dusted his bottom lightly with talc. "Man, this is great, " he thought<BR>> as he reached out for the ATR button.....................<BR>><BR>> When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in<BR>> confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had<BR>> happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in<BR>> the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, Yes, you must have<BR>> been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal<BR>> button. By the way, your penis is under your pillow."<BR>><BR>><BR><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM! (editor's note: I would have hired him too!!) <P>NAME: Greg Bulmash <P>DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. <P>DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle. <P>EDUCATION: Yes. <P>LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. <P>SALARY: Less than I'm worth. <P>MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. <P>REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. <P>HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. <P>PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. <P>MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? <P>DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? <P>DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" <P>HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. <P>DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire. <P>WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. <P>DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. <P>SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

"Tendjewberrymud" <P>Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while after reading this. It was nominated "best email of 1997": A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the "Far East Economic Review"... <P>Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" <P>Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" <P>RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" <P>G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" <P>RS: "Ow July den?" <P>G: "What??" <P>RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?" <P>G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." <P>RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" <P>G: "Crisp will be fine" <P>RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" <P>G: "What?" <P>RS: "San tos. July San tos?" <P>G: "I don't think so" <P>RS: "No? Judo one toes??" <P>G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo <BR>one <BR>toes' means." <P>RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish <BR>mopping we <BR>bother?" <P>G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' <BR>Fine. <BR>Yes, an English muffin will be fine." <P>RS: "We bother?" <P>G: "No..just put the bother on the side." <P>RS: "Wad?" <P>G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side." <P>RS: "Copy?" <P>G: "Sorry?" <P>RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" <P>G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." <P>RS: "One Minnie. [censored] ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease <BR>baychem, <BR>tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" <P>G: "Whatever you say" <P>RS: "Tendjewberrymud" <P>G: "You're welcome" <BR>

A commercial airline jet was sitting at the airport waiting for the pilot and copilot to arrive. Just as the passengers started to really get restless, the airline announced that the pilot and copilot had just gotten in and were on their way over.<P>The pair came in through the rear door and started making their way up through the plane. The passengers began whispering amongst each other when it became obvious that the pilot and copilot appeared blind. Both of them were making their way toward the cockpit, tapping their red and white sticks against anything in their path. The copilot even had a seeing-eye dog pulling him along the aisles. After they sat down in the cockpit, the passengers exchanged a few nervous laughs and thin jokes about the safety of the flight. The engines revved up and the plane began taxiing over to the runway.<P>At this point, a few passengers were craning their necks trying to look into the cockpit to see what the pilots were doing. When the aircraft approached the runway, the engines grew louder and louder and the plane started rolling going faster and faster down the runway. While the plane was obviously exceeding take off speed, the plane continued on the ground, racing down the runway.<P>The passengers started getting frantic as they sensed something seriously wrong. As the end of the runway was fast drawing near, the passengers began yelling and screaming frantically. Just then, as it seemed they were going to crash, the plane suddenly lifted off and began its ascent.<P>After the plane was at a safe altitude, the copilot turned his head toward the pilot and said, "You know, one of these days they aren't going to scream, and then how are we going to know?"

ME AGAIN, I COULD'T HELP IT.<P>This is not a joke but.... you be the judge. Do the following exercise, guaranteed to raise an eyebrow. There's no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them... really.<P>Now, arrow down (but not too fast, you might miss something).<P>Think of a number from 1 to 10<P><BR>Multiply that number by 9<P><BR>If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together<P>Now subtract 5<P>Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c, etc.) <P><BR>Think of a country that starts with that letter<P><BR>Remember the last letter in the name of that country<P><BR>Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter<P><BR>Are you thinking of Kangaroos in Denmark?<P>If not, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of English speaking people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark when given this exercise. Freaky, huh? Keep this message going. Forward it to people you know and see if they can see if they are usual or unusual.<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited February 02, 2000).]

A man was walking his pet duck when they both passed a movie theater. A film was playing he really wanted to see, so he went to buy a ticket.<P>"You can't bring a duck into the theater," the woman said.<P>Dejected, the man walked away. But he really wanted to see that movie! So he turned the corner, stuck his duck down his pants, and returned to the ticket counter. Not seeing any duck this time, he was allowed in.<P>He took his seat in the dark theater. After awhile he thought he better let his duck have some air, so he unzipped his pants, and the duck stuck its head out.<P>Two older women were in the next couple seats. The one turned to the other and said, "Hey, this guy next to me is exposing himself!"<P>The other woman said, "Oh well, you've seen one, you've seen them all!"<P>The first woman said, "Yeah, but THIS one's eating my popcorn!"<BR>

REMEMBER ANY OF THESE FROM OUR CHILDHOOD?<P> Blackjack and Beeman's gum<BR> Powerhouse candy bars<BR> Licorice records<BR> Wax teeth, lips and mustaches<BR> Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored<BR> sugar water<BR> Candy lipstick<BR> Candy cigarettes<BR> Fizzies<BR> Soda pop machines that dispense bottles <BR> Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans<BR> Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops<BR> Home milk delivery in glass bottles with<BR> cardboard stoppers<BR> Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels<BR> Party lines<BR> Rotary phones<BR> Drive-ins with car hops<BR> Sock hops<BR> Winter rubber boots with metal latches<BR> [censored] caps<BR> P.F. Flyers<BR> Angora sweaters<BR> Bouffant hairdos<BR> Spoolies (and this is?)--little round<BR> rubber hair curlers Hair dryers<BR> with plastic caps<BR> Butch wax (do I want to know what this<BR> is???)-- thick hair stuff, like vaseline<BR> Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts<BR> Tin-can telephones<BR> Peashooters<BR> Cork popguns<BR> Roll of cap-gun caps<BR> Howdy Doody puppets<BR> Beanie and Cecil dolls<BR> Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes<BR> Roller skates that clip onto shoes<BR> Roller skate keys<BR> S & H green stamps and plaid stamps<BR> Metal lunchboxes<BR> Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV<BR> screen (YES, this is for real?)<BR> Crystal radios<BR> Console hi-fi's with 78s<BR> 45-rpm records<BR> Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines<BR> Slide rules<BR> Levered metal ice trays<BR> Mimeograph paper<BR> Carbon paper<BR> Flash bulbs<BR> Eight-track tape decks<BR> Home movie cameras<BR> Brownie camera<BR> [censored] and Jane readers<BR>

<BR> (_!_) a regular [censored]<P> (__!__) a fat [censored]<P> (!) a tight [censored]<P> (_^^_) a bubble [censored]<P> (_*_) a sore [censored]<P> {_!_} a swishy [censored]<P> (_o_) an [censored] that's been around<P> (_x_) kiss my [censored]<P> (_X_) leave my [censored] alone<P> (_zzz_) a tired [censored]<P> (_o^^o_) a wise [censored]<P> (_E=mc2_) a smart [censored]<P> (_$_) Money coming out of his [censored]<P> (_?_) Dumb [censored]<BR>