Here's another one to start the week off right!<P><B>What Are You In Here For?</B><P>Two little kids are in a hospital laying on stretchers next to each other<BR>outside of the operating room. <P>The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"<P>The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out, and I'm a little<BR>nervous."<P>The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done<BR>when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you<BR>lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"<P>The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"<P>The first kid says, "A circumcision."<P>And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I<BR>couldn't walk for a year!"<P><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Good Monday Morning Everyone!<BR>Here's one before I have to get going at work.....<P>A fellow was joined at the bar by a beautiful woman who soon <BR>approached the man with an offer.<P>"I'll make your dreams come true," she whispered, "for a <BR>hundred and fifty dollars."<P>"That's a lot of money," the guy pointed out, admiring her <BR>voluptuous body.<P>"I'm worth it," she assured him breathily. "For a hundred and <BR>fifty dollars, I'll act out any fantasy. In fact, I can make <BR>any three words come true. Just dream them up, baby."<P>"Any three words? For a hundred and fifty dollars?" The man's <BR>voice grew husky as the woman's hand crept up his leg.<P>She nodded, reaching up with the other hand to caress the back <BR>of his neck while he considered the offer.<P>Finally he leaned back with a big smile and announced "It's a <BR>deal!"<P>He leaned over and whispered, "Paint my house."<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

these are great!!!!!!<P>what is roflmao??

Too funny!!!!<P>Oh, Neen, rolling on the floor laughing my a$$ off!!!<P>Keep it up guys!<P>Lori

A Father and son were shopping when they happen to walk by the condom display. The boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"<P>The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". Oh, I see!", replied the boy. "Yes, I've heard of those in health class at school." He looks over the display, picks up a package of 3, and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.<P>He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday".<P>"WOW!!" exclaimed the boy, "Then who uses THESE?" He asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January... one for February... one for March... one for April...one for May............."

This is an oldie, but goodie:<P>-----------------------------------------<BR>Subject: Men are from Mars....<P>Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?<BR>Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University, English 44A, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.<P>In-class Assignment for Wednesday:<BR>"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with someone else. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."<P>The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."<P>--------------------------------------------<BR>STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca)<BR>At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started <BR>acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.<BR>-------------<BR>Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.<BR>-------------<BR>He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.<BR>------------<BR>Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"<BR>-------------<BR>This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.<BR>-------------<BR>Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.<BR>-------------<BR>a**hole.<BR>-------------<BR>b*tch.<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited January 31, 2000).]

The Top 6 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love<P>6> "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend seek you!"<P>5> "Cuddling, afterplay -- a Jedi craves not these things."<P>4> "Do me or do me not -- there is no try."<P>3> "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."<P>2> "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"<P>And the number thing uttered by Yoda while making love:<P>1> "Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

ThisAlex:<P>Good one. But you forgot about the 3-dozen economy pack for guys married more than 10 years.<P>Also called 'a lifetime supply'.

How are you doing my late night buddy...gotten any more sleep? How are things going?<P><BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Keosha:<BR><B>I think we need some cheer so I'll start with this one. <P>Half a proverb... <P>A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insights may surprise you. <P>Better to be safe than....................Punch a 5th grader <BR>Strike while the .........................Bug is close <BR>It's always darkest before............... Daylight Savings Time <BR>Never underestimate the power of..........Termites <BR>You can lead a horse to water but.........how? <BR>Don't bite the hand that................. looks dirty <BR>No news is................................impossible <BR>A miss is as good as a....................Mr. <BR>You can't teach an old dog new............math <BR>If you lie down with dogs, you'll.........stink in the morning <BR>Love all, trust...........................me <BR>The pen is mightier than the.............pigs <BR>An idle mind is...........................The best way to relax <BR>Where there's smoke there's...............pollution <BR>Happy the bride who.......................gets all the presents <BR>A penny saved is..........................not much <BR>Two's company, three's....................the Musketeers <BR>Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed <BR>Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose <BR>None are so blind as......................Stevie Wonder <BR>Children should be seen and not...........spanked or grounded <BR>If at first you don't succeed.............get new batteries <BR>You get out of something what you.........see pictured on the box <BR>When the blind leadeth the blind..........get out of the way <BR>And the favorite... <BR>Better late than..........................pregnant <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Sorry Blond Joke <P>A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"<P>The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I'm blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 pounds, and she is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6'5", weighs 250 pounds, and she's a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"<P>The guy thinks about it a second and says: "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times."<BR>

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. <BR>"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.<BR>"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."<BR>"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."<BR>A week later Mrs. Murphy comes in and the doctor enquires as to how things went.<BR>"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."<BR>"What happened?" asks the doctor.<BR>"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me right on the tabletop. It was terrible."<BR>"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"<BR>"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!"<BR>

Doug,<P>Good comment, but what will you do with the left overs (at least 7 I guess), inflate them for a B-day Party?<P>What about this one?<P>PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE<P>RING... RING... CLICK<P>"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."<P>If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.<P>If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.<P>If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.<P>If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want- just stay on the line so we can trace the call.<P>If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.<P>If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press- no one will answer.

A lawyer finds out he has a brain tumor, and it’s inoperable - in fact, it’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.<P>His doctor gives him a choice of available brains - <BR>- a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce, <BR>- a jar of politician brains for $50 an ounce,<BR>- and a jar of lawyer brains for the pricely sum of $800 an ounce.<P>The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip-off! How come the lawyer brains are so expensive?”<P>The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”<BR>

Sir Hurts Alot,<P>I love that one about the lawyers. I was in court all day today. I had a lot of cases that plead not guilty. Me and some of the guys were picking at the lawyers just to past time. I have to tell them about this one at work tomorrow!<P>Keep this thread going guys, It's hilarious. <P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>lady_divine77@yahoo.com

~ Bar Joke ~<P>A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone.<P>He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"<P>She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter to me."<P>The guy raises his eyebrows and says........."No kiding, what law firm do you work for?"<BR>

--- Train Trouble ---<P>This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.<P>While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.<P>Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, a$$-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.<P>After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"<P>The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Keosha (edited January 31, 2000).]

A guy shows up to work monday morning with two black eyes...<P>His boss asks what happened?<P>The guy begins to tell the story of how he was in church the day before...they were standing singing a beautiful hymn of praise..the man noticed that the <B>very</B> large woman in front of him, had her dress stuck in the crack of her butt..being the good christian fellow he is..he reached out and removed the womans dress from her behind..the woman spun around..exclaimed..of all the nerve!!.. and slugged the gentlman in the eye..<P>His boss says wow, thats terrible..what happened to your other eye?<P>Well..She was so fond of her dress being stuck in the crack of her behind..I was obligated to put it back...<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited January 31, 2000).]

Things I Have Learned:<P>I've learned that you can't make someone love you.All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.<P>I've learned that no matter how much I care,some people are just [censored].<P>I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,unless we are celebrities.<P>I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,they will eventually get arrested,and end up in the local paper.<P>I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others.They are more screwed up than you think.<P>I've learned that regardless how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,the passion fades,and there had better be a lot of money to take it's place.<P> --Murph

HAHAHAHAHA!!! LOL!!!<P>These keep getting better! Tell some more...sorry, I am not a joke teller...can't ever remember them.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Here's the only joke that I am ever able to remember. <P>Three construction workers are sitting 350 feet above the ground working on a building. It is lunch time so they gather to eat together. The first one, Italian opens his lunch kit and screams "lasagna again! Ugggggh - if I get lasagna in my lunch one more time I'm going to jump from the top of this building."<P>The second construction worker, a Canadian, his lunch. Inside is a back bacon sandwich. He too screams loudly "Not another back bacon sandwich, if I get one more back bacon sandwich ever, I'm going to jump from the top of this building."<P>The third construction worker, a chinese man opens his lunch kit and is horified to find won ton soup and chow mein. "If I get won ton soup and chow mein in my lunch ONE MORE TIME, I too am going to jump from the top of this building."<P>The next day, lunch time..............<P>The Italian gentleman opens his lunch kit, finds lasagna, screams and jumps from the building. He dies immediately.<P>The Canadian gentleman opens his lunch kit, finds a back bacon sandwich and jumps from the building. He too dies immediately.<P>The Chinese gentleman opens his lunch kit and finds won ton soup and chow mein and predictably he too jumps to his immediate death.<P>The wives of the three men plan funeral services for all three together. After the service they gather to talk about what led to the deaths of their loved ones.<P>The wife of the Italian man says "Mama mia, if I had a know Gino didn't like the lasagna, I would a never given it too him again."<P>The wife of the Canadian man says "If Tyler had of given me any idea that he didn't want back bacon, I would have never made him another one for the rest of his life eh?"<P>The wife of the Chinese man scratches her head in confusion. "What's wrong?" ask the other two. "I just don't get it.....Ting has made his own lunch every work day as far back as I can remember"...............