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Joined: Jul 1999
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Hey WhoDat, What's your Minnesota story?

I'd love to know!

Jill


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Hello people

Updates.. updates... lately my updates seem all the same.

Yes we're still doing fine. Kids are showing signs that they're also forgetting about it.
Although life is throwing us another curve - I'm not sure if I'll still have my job come september, and his new job is not really giving us the together/family time we thought we were going to get - at least we're facing this one completely together, and maybe because of that it doesn't feel that bad

Oh.. yes... forgot about D-day for the second year in a row LOL this is good right But as Lori said, there was an unconscient low mood for a bit even though I didn't really realise the reason until I thought about it. In any case it went fine.

Pf course our life is not only "ups" there have been a few downs but really minor if I think about it, and not even related to the affair at all.

Tnt, I really enjoyed reading the good news. That sounds great.

wassy, should I get my flashlight and start looking? between us all we might be able to find you somewhere Seriuosly though, I think I understand and I think I went a bit trough something like that a while ago. Feel like talking? I'll be home now, so I'll check the computer more often.

ANyway, it feels great to be back on the forum and to find so many old friends here... as well as new ones.

Hugs to all

Kat


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TNT & Crazy or What:

Whazzup with Minnesota stories....you're scaring me. Is Minnesota 'catnip' for OW's?? Gawd, I hope not. I don't need OW with OC in tow showing up on my Minnesota doorstep.

TNT: Is there a 'Hooters' up there in the Arrowhead or the woods (where ever you are) with the moose and bear?

Spouse and I have been struggling with legitimate recovery for one year with a few set backs due to the alcoholism and bipolar disorder (his) however, the medication is working and we are in true recovery.

Our problem is the intimacy issues and I am wondering why this has changed so drastically since the affair in late 98. When he first came home in January 99, there were no intimacy problems for a whole year...it was like it was before only better in spite of his chemical dependency.
But since our trip to New York in March 2000 to deal with the child support hearings, intimacy has taken a huge nosedive and I find myself wondering why.
My needs are not being met and I feel detached from him...the closeness is waning instead of gathering momentum, and I am alarmed and saddened that this is happening. I need the closeness. He seems to have little or no desire and I am getting increasingly resentful because he was so aggressive with OW. I want him to want me like he wanted her, or especially to want me like he used to want me.
Once upon a time for nearly two decades there was a time when he couldn't get enough of me. I hate feeling so undesirable when I am such a babe! ha ha ha And I find it more and more difficult to ignore the looks of admiration from others.
We all need to feel desired and adored in order to recover.

Catnip =^^=


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We made love this morning. She is talking more with me. She confers with me when putting money in church like she used to. She didn't go to the skating rink last night (she has been going regularly even when she was tired.) Things are much better than I thought they would be for a long time.

I think the counselling she is getting is helping. I am not sure she has been diagnosed as bipolar, I think she is because she has to many of the symptoms. Psychologist has not asked to talk to me yet to get the other side of the story before calling me overbearing. I am not denying being somewhat overbearing because life is to short to not be serious about everything to include our marriage.

She still is not saying I love you on a regular basis but the ocassional slip is wonderful. When she does slip the tone says that it is genuine. For all this I thank God because I have been praying that He would show me what parts of me need to change that would allow me to become the husabnd and father he wants me to be for her and the boys respectively.

God is wonderful and is getting my attention all the time about little things I can change to make things better for her and thereby for the boys and me.

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God Bless,
Rob

regilmor@swbell.net


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My OW was from Minnesota (I'm the betrayer, even though I haven't talked to her in over two years). Internet affair turned RL, and no offense to those people who love it there, but as a California boy, I can't imagine living someplace you couldn't go outside 10 months out of the year.

One quick side note... I read a post from her on the latest incarnation of the Forum we met at a few months ago... and I was a little disgusted at myself for feeling anything but contempt for her. She is SO everything I never wanted in a woman...

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Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die


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I found MB in April and still have a looong way to go. At that time I felt that my H cared so little about me that it wouldn't even hurt his feelings if I had an affair. Our marriage is platonic, and I was finding the thought of an affair very appealing. Fortunately, I found this site and quickly realized what a bad bad bad bad idea that is!

On bad days I think of him as having no interest in anyone other than himself. Even on good days I'm not sure it's much of an exaggeration. Like I said, there's a long road ahead. He won't do the ENQ. My top emotional need right now is financial support and affection. June is over now, and I still have June bills not paid yet. I'm very fearful of what will happen to us. The worst part is having no one to talk to about it.

I have to say that the extent of progress MB-style here is the reduction of LBing. This alone has made such a huge difference!!!! We get along better, but it's very superficial. But hey, that's improvement over yelling, crying, scowling, and being miserable. I want the improvements to go deeper. It took me a while to figure out that Plan A still applies even if there's no affair involved. Plan A is about making me the best I can be -- consistently. I have a long way to go there too. I get a lot of inspiration here. Thanks y'all for sharing.


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Hello MB friends,

Dday was 9-27-99, I found this site a week later but didn't post anything until December. I don't know exactly how long we have been in recovery. We never split up, but it took several weeks for the shock to wear off and for me to commit to working on our marriage. My husband, username firestorm, committed to saving it even before dday.

We don't have any fairy-talelike recovery thing going. It is slow, steady and very hard work. Recovery is often referred to as a rollercoaster ride, and that seems to be a good analogy. Over the past several months the ride has become smoother, with fewer rough spots. The "highs" are higher, and the "lows" aren't so low.

We are both very committed to staying together, but the adjustment is very difficult for both of us. I am trying to focus on all the good things we still have to share instead of dwelling on those things that are lost forever.

I feel absolutely certain that we will eventually be a big MB success story, though our results aren't as dramatic as some of the couples here. TIME and PATIENCE (those two hated words) are definitely what it takes. I also wholeheartedly believe in Dr. Harley's principles and give this site much of the credit for the progress we have made.

We are doing very well, and eight months ago it seemed completely hopeless.

Best wishes for us all,

Peppermint


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My update:

We are getting divorced. I know that this is marriage builders, but this is best for me and my kids. I guess you all know about my marriage by now.

I have been better than I was the whole time I was living with H. I get my kids and the house and car. And I got a decent job in May that I love. Im doing so good on my own. Plus my kids are happier.

H doesn't see the kids very much. Maybe once a month. But that is something he's going to have to deal with. They have other men in their lives that treat them good. (My father, my brother, and a friend of my H's that does stuff with them every weekend). They are adjusting.

We have reached a tentative financial settlement. Nothing has been signed yet but should be soon. Hopefully the divorce will be final by the end of the month.

I know it doesn't seem like a success story, but for me it is. My H is a physically abusive alcoholic. This is truly the best thing for me and my kids.

Mitzi


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Con,
Well, you asked for an update and here it is! My dad just got operated on yesterday for a brain tumor in Syracuse, NY. He survived and they say he is on the road to recovery, THANKS BE TO GOD!!!
The baby is growing and cooing and I'm in love with being a Mom again......until he starts talking at least!
Chick and I are doing well, we are celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary today, but it's actually tomorrow...I just needed the celebration a day early!
The other bad thing,(Wassy, I am really TRYING HARD to deal with this issue!) is that he's got a new partner who I don't trust worth a darn and I am trying to make the naive person (my h) see that she's up to something devious. I don't know if she's after him or what but all my warning bells and whistles are going off where this one is concerned and I am trying to not make it come off as left over garbage from the affair. Any MORE suggestions????? I am praying hard to not let things bother me too much! I need to let go and let him learn on his own that when you deal with sleaze you will have smud land on you!
I miss you guys, wish I could spend more time here with you but less on the new issues! God Bless!

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Chick's
Bren

You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!


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OK I'll play too. Been mostly in lurk mode but here's a short update.

Our separation is in it's 3rd month. Wife and I are doing better. We've been spending a lot of family time together and having fun at it too. She has been giving me a few hugs here and there and they feel great. We're going to church tomorrow with our sons and a Jul 4th party Tuesday. In many ways our relationship is better than it has been in years. In some ways maybe better than it has ever been.

Still no real emotional contact between us though and no commitment to work things out from her. My feelings of lonliness grow and sometimes are quite unbearable. As I now experience many of the things my wife did, I fear I too will succumb to the same temptations she fell for. Most days are OK, some great, some bad but I still hang on, firm in Plan A and hopeful still.

[This message has been edited by Gonnatry (edited July 01, 2000).]


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Hi everyone,

here's my update.

I'm also headed for divorce. I want to apply now, with the separation date being 5/26/99, which is the date he met OW at his new job and from when his affair started. Technically though, I didn't actually leave until 9/2/99 and over here, that is the date that should apply. We need to be separated 12 months before we can even apply. (I hope those dates make sense, I tried to write them the way you do, we don't do it like that here!!! Think I got it right!!)
H had said in the past he would let me apply for the divorce early, but now he does not want the divorce. I do.

My reasons for that are that he still doesn't know what he wants. He wants to be 100% sure that whatever road he chooses, ie, me or continued separation, is the right one. The thing with that tho, is this. When will he be sure?. It could be tomorrow, could be never.....
He says he is trying to get back into my life, by asking me out to lunch, and wanting us to spend family time together. I've been out to lunch with him twice since he moved here 7 weeks ago, and it was nice. I also went to his house last night to tell him I was going back to work, as a flight attandant. Something he never really liked or supported in the past. I was very apprehensive about telling him. He stayed calm, and said that when I was stuck, maybe that was where he needed to "take up the slack". He wanted to know what the childcare arrangements would be, and was ok with what I have tentatively arranged. We sort of left the discussion there. He didn't get into specifics, and I didn't ask.

I was going out to a family dinner last night, and because I was at his house, I had a shower there. I used the children's bathroom and he made the comment that I could have used his. I said I didn't want to take liberties. My family then had some mix-up with sleeping arrangements (we had people visiting from everywhere!!) and who was sleeping where, which happened via a phone call while I was still at his place.
He rang me on my mobile after I had left and offered for me to sleep at his house.
Like, where was I going to sleep.??????????
I don't think so.
But, my point to this very long winded update is "what is he playing at"

He won't even think about reconciliation until he is sure it is going to work!! I thought reconciliation was about giving it your best shot at making it work. I know that is the way his mind works, and the way that he works. Before he does anything, he thinks long and hard about it, and won't or doesn't do anything without a 80 - 90% chance of success. His fear of failure is quite awsome at times. It comes back to his lack of self-esteem, and conflict avoidance. I sometimes think he is missing out on life by being like that. I thought that was how we grew as people. We make mistakes, learn from them, pick ourselves up, and go on. Better and wiser people after the event...

I'm sorry this is so long, I know it was supposed to be an 'update'.

There, for me, divorce, but done in a friendly loving way.

With who knows what around the corner!!!!!!!

thinking of you all, and hope you have a great Sat. night.

Jo


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Well, I've shied away from posting as my situation seems to be changing faster than the weather here in Texas. One moment I think we're gonna make it, then I don't, then I do, and on and on.

At this precise moment, I'm not so sure.

H moved home on Mother's Day. It's been a rollercoaster ride. I couldn't tell if his self absorption was due to withdrawal, his neurological problems, or if he was still in contact with HER (Ick. Have a hard time in even assigning her a gender. Still cannot say her name outloud.)

Well, today I discovered hard evidence that he's been calling her. I stood my ground and stated NO CONTACT. He did not say he would comply. Simply, that we would "talk" more tomorrow.

So, looks like I'm gonna have another stressful weekend. What else is new?


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Hi all- haven't even been to this site since back in March sometime- here is my update:

Hubby and I are doing really well. I have had no contact with the OP in months and that has been a huge factor in my relationship with my husband. The last contact I had with this person only proved to me how manipulated I had been- and how my "feelings" for her were only a factor of my being really screwed up. I truly feel like I had a nervous breakdown and that my "affair" was merely a symptom of my underlying problems.

The biggest factor: my dad had died on Thanksgiving Day- circumstances prevented me from attending his funeral- 2 days later I was "in love" with someone else. Talk about being messed up with my emotions.

After much therapy, counseling, trips to this website- my marriage has improved immensely. I can only tell you I have no idea what the hell happened to me- and that I am so glad that with the passage of time things have turned around so much. I have gotten so much stronger- and although I do have so many regrets- I know that my marriage is a lot better now as a result of what happened.

Life continues to throw me curves tho: my father's death was so hard- and with all my marital troubles etc...it was nice to have my mother as an ear to speak to. However, on the 15th of May she went into the hospital for a test- and on the 17th I was at her side while I watched her die. She was only 61. But this time I didn't go crazy- and I turned to my loving husband for the comforting I needed. And he was there for me. I never expected to lose my mother too- and I guess I am still in shock- but after all that has happened since December of 99- I know that I will be able to survive this too.

It has only been a little over 6 months since D-Day- but I can assure you that sometimes things do get better- a lot of times things do get better- and Richie and I are proof of that.

Keep the faith.


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Update Independence Day,

First mediation meeting agreed visitation schedule.
Second mediation meeting next week, finances.

Splitting up 15 years of stuff $ucks, although we are handling it very well. I couldn't handle deciding if I wanted the china, W couldn't handle not getting her favorite bath towels.

Started the move to the apartment this weekend/finish by next weekend.

Divorce? Who knows, although I won't try to stop it. I would like to find someone who honestly likes and initiates sex, as well as can hold an interesting conversation, and doesn't get pissed off at a differing viewpoint.

As far as the kids go, since we are being very amicable, and I am explaining everything as we go along to the kids, they have been OK about it, but I haven't left yet, starts this weekend.

W still has problems with me taking the kids somewhere without her. Like she could leave on a 4 day business trip and trust me, now she can't?

thl


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Update JNVC
Haven't been here inawhile, I see there are lots of new folks here, I think that is sad but at least here is where healing can start.
We are now 10 months into recovery, 9/8/99 was D-Day. Had several bumps, we have a strange sitsuation, we have sort of developed a sort of friendship with the OM and his unknowing wife. OM wife does not know about the EA my W had with her H. Its awkward to be around her and know she doesn't know. If anyone is in a early on discovery period, I highly suggest to TELL all parties involved. I regret not telling her now, now it would be worse, and she would hate me now for not telling sooner. The OM is totally remorseful w/ me, had NEVER attempted to restart the affair, has followed my requests to the T.
Build trust again I find is the hardest thing! 20 years and bingo, in 1 day its gone.
We are committed and will work it all out.
I will chk in from time to time.

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jnvc


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So glad to read of so many successes. We are 15 months from D-Day, 7 from the final "no further contact" call which was a tiny step after 8 months of counselor supervised tapering off to where it was nothing. My H is a bit of a straddler, wanted to be 100% sure of making the final total commitment to me and our marriage. IT WORKED!!!! I had a tougher time of it by far, once that happened, because of having to go through a 3rd, what our counselor calls "re-entry", first, with the initial decision to call a halt to the A and work on the marriage, second, two months later, to make an exclusive commitment to me/with supervised tapering off with the OW, by phone only. It took too long, almost, for that to end, and a Plan B in the works, but since then, it's been really terrific. I feel more loved than I have in years and he has been so energetically making up to me for the hurt and the pain and re-earning my love and trust. We just bought a gorgeous piece of land in VT with 270 degree views of the White Mts. and the CT River Valley. He is an architect and will design us a get-away place this coming year. A dream come true! Life is improving by leaps and bounds on all fronts, first and foremost my marriage (which I value beyond everything -- 33 years and counting!!), my family, and work, too. Yippee!!!!!

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Hello Again everybody. I've been doing a lot of reading here but really posting anything. Havent really had much positive stuff to add.

My stbx finally admitted to the affair last week. Praise God for that! I've been painted as the bad guy for so long, I'm glad that now everybody knows whats happening. I've had a hard time dealing with her rubbing the affair in my face and not admitting to it. She has taken our two kids out to his place for whole weekends and even went as far as them both taking nights off work and then staying at his house for the night.

The kids arent really dealing with the seperation that well. Who can blame them when they see him more than me.

We are getting a seperation agreement drawn up through lawyers and will be able to divorce in March.

Once D-Day came I had three goals:


  • I would maintain my self respect
  • I would maintain my dignity.
  • If the marraige ended, I would be able to look at my kids, my family, my friends and God and Say I did everything I could to save this marriage.

I have fulfilled my goals and look forward to starting my new life again.

I have some new friends from a baseball league that I joined, I have a lot more fun with my kids and I feel I have a lot of opportunities to enjoy the second half of my life (I'm 34 so I hope the second half will be longer than the first, it's going to be fun).

For everyone who is still trying to keep things together... its not an easy road your on. It is a lot of work, it is emotionally draining and is difficult. Keep posting and get input. There are some amazing people on this board. I would like to thank everyone who has been with me during this very difficult time.

Specifically I would like to thank Vaforme, Grandpabri2, Kam 6318, Bellevue, No trust, was stubborn, Beth N, LostVa, Chris (CA 123), K, HBC, Kenneth, wife and mother, hi infidelity and of course, Jim. I'm sure there are others and I apologise if I missed your name.

You all have done a wonderful thing for me and that was to offer hope and direction when I needed it the most. Friends can only offer biased support, while I consider you all my friends, we could have eaten breakfast in the same restaurant this morning and you would never have known it was Goober sitting beside you.

Thank you and God Bless!


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3rd month into recovery--began day after d-day. My H and I are best friends very much in love and on a whole new level of intimacy we never could sustain before. Occasionally impatient with my slow progress (i.e. doubts, need for reassurances, double checking his honesty). If you know my story, you'd know why! We all live in the same subdivision, my H and OW still work together, we all work in companies that do business with eachother occasionally.

Initially, I also tried to help OW and her H after d-day (We had become friends because OW is co-worker of my H). I knew it would be hard but they have both been at different times suicidal. I thought their life/death took priority over a few more difficulties in my life. It has been a roller coaster ride but I'm not sorry for the path I chose.
Everyone is alive if not well.

Her H is finally concentrating on building up his self-esteem instead of obsessing with his W still being in love with my H and I have no more worries about him. He's in counseling and on Prozac. He is so much healthier and whole than ever before. He now accepts that they will probably divorce. He calls my cell phone every few weeks to see how I'm (my marriage is) doing. I know he's also looking for reassurance that his W and my H aren't back together. I don't mind doing that for him. The man has been hurt beyond sanity by my H and will probably lose his W and half of everything he owns soon...all because of my H's "butting into" their marriage. I keep no secrets from my H about the calls. He's not thrilled but he's allowing the calls for now because he knows I'm a support person for alot of people in our lives, because of his guilt, because we all bump into eachother almost on a daily basis. The guys puff up like roosters whenever they happen to see eachother.

They detest eachother. It's kind of a competitive--who's the better man--kind of thing. So much ego and testosterone. Even IF it's true OW's H was a total jerk to his wife, it would never excuse my H's getting involved in an EA/PA with her. I hate the fact that my H can't admit this to himself and just let her H's anger roll off his back and not react to it. This is a sticking point/lovebuster with me. Why can't he do that?

Complicated. Not what the good Dr. H ordered. Moving would eliminate alot of problems but that's not an option for anyone involved, unfortunately. Not yet anyway.

The support relationship I had with the OW had to be cut off. It seemed to be hurting her more. I didn't understand it at first and was hurt. I was later told in this forum that my kindness to her was what was making her feel more guilty--that I wasn't some monster she could hate. She hasn't called my cell or sent me e-mail after the last evening we got together in June. I have made no more attempts to contact her out of respect for her H's wishes and now apparently hers as well. She knows I only want her to be happy again. Her depression and withdrawal are still ongoing. Still refuses to go back to counseling or take antidepressants.

Her H says she told him a few days ago she still wants my H and is "waiting with hope", won't reconcile with her H and is neglecting their children to the point of. She once told me that her sons would be better off without her--she can't show them love with all the pain she's in--she's a non-person and empty inside with nothing left to give. My H once told her during their A he would never marry her and be a father to her children. Add that all together and you might have a mentally imbalanced woman discarding her kids in a desperate effort to get her lover back.

B/C of these developments, my H did a bad thing--broke the no contact rule and confronted her with it via cell phone. Told her never to put him or any man above her kids and to start being a mother to them--that giving them up or anything else she might try was ever going to get him back. No response from her since. Had a long argument about his doing that w/o discussing it with me first (I would never have agreed to such a thing). He said he was also afraid she might try and "hurt" me since she's so obsessed. But I really don't believe she's capable. She's just hurting. Such is our progress, 5 steps forward, 4 steps back. But we did see her buying toys with her kids at the store the other nite and were encouraged.

I'm weaning off my Prozac,with my MD's ok, of course. Think I'm in a good place now and strong enough. NOW my H wants to start a family. I told him I want to wait a while first till our foundation is stronger. I also don't want to send the OW into a tailspin right now.

Still, I'm optimistic about our future.

My H and OW's company have a managers party this Saturday. Kind of wary. I could handle verbal or even physical violence but never a cold shoulder--that would really hurt me! Whatever happens it won't be dull.

I still empathize with the pain she's going thru but am frustrated that she refuses to do anything towards healing herself and slaps at the hands of anyone who has tried.

Wish us luck, Pray for us,

Leilana

[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited July 05, 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited July 05, 2000).]


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