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#887012 09/21/00 10:56 AM
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Everytime I post lately my computer freezes up, so I'm hoping this time will work<P>He wants to seperate out bank accounts.<P>He wants to be free to date.<P>He uninvited me to a concert with the kids.<P>He does not want a divorce "yet" because he isn't 100% sure.<P>I lost it...cried, puked. He said that was it...he knew I couldn't handle this. Said he'd come home if I told him to. I said yeah, I do...he said he'll come in Nov. when his lease runs out, but to not expect him to be faithful or to love me.<P>He's done. I know I can't accept his return this way. <P>Couldn't go to work today...didn't sleep last night.<P>Is there any use going to a Plan B at this point?<P>I am not well. I am going to have a breakdown I think.<P>How do I take care of us all?<P>Sometimes when the fog lifts, underneath is not good. He said a few months ago that he really was wanting to come home, but he changed again...could not give me a reason for changing.<P>He wants to date a woman from his high school reunion committee...she's been asking him out and so far he's said no "supposedly". I told him that being married hasn't stopped him from dating before, why should it now.<P>He just doesn't love me...he cares, says something is still there...but is stepping his way out of this marriage like he's had it planned like this. Every few months...wham...another revelation. <P>Sorry for the depressing post.<P>Just a question...I've been leaving (or not) on the weekends he sees the kids, cuz they hate his apartment. I was planning on going to my moms this weekend so he could stay here. But, why should I? I feel bad for the kids, but he needs to see what his new life will be like. He comes over here whenever he wants, flops down in front of the TV, gets himself food and beers, falls asleep here. I think enough is enough. Time for no contact?<P>Oh God....allison

#887013 09/21/00 11:17 PM
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Allison,<P>Sorry you are going through such a rough time! Here's a hug for you - you are going to be ok! (((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))).<P>It is time to suck it up and start looking out for #1 for awhile - yourself and your kids. You are not a doormat. You have self-respect. You can stand alone without your husband who is treating you and your kids with absolutely no respect. You don't have to take that! I say make arrangements and go to plan B pronto. Take the initiative and lovingly, but firmly, take the reins of your relationship and you start charting the course you want your relationship to take. You are not a victim - you can be proactive. Hopefully you have a support group of helpers who can help you stand firm and help you in the practical matters of living without him in the picture for awhile. Go for it! It might wake him up.<P>Rockaway

#887014 09/21/00 11:33 PM
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It's time for you to decide what you want Allison. Do you want to wait it out with no contact or start divorce proceedings? You need to protect yourself financially in any case. <P> Your H is truly a piece of work. He wants to be free to date yet he doesn't want a divorce?!?!? He acts like this is entirely his decision. You got to take back the power and decide what you want.<p>[This message has been edited by TMD (edited September 21, 2000).]

#887015 09/21/00 12:05 PM
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Hi Allison:<P>Geez...I agree that this sounds like MLC in full bloom. At least he's being honest with you about his feelings...that's a point to start from. <P>My H is similar to this...he has OW and has basically in the last 5 years turned his life around...off and on relationship with me...more on then off...times when he is out partying with drunks and low-lifes (friends of OW)...other times concentrating on work...doesn't want divorce...thinks he's going to die in next few years and wants to enjoy himself. What do you say? What do you do?<P>I decided the only thing to do was to hold steady and let him do it...I can't stop him anyway...I just have to let him make his own choices and take the consequences...sometimes people have to do their own wondering in the desert for a while to recognize what is important to them.<P>You're right that you don't want him home now. It wouldn't be good for you in the long run. If you're stong enough you can go to Plan B and let him go and cut off contact with him. I'm not sure this is best in this situation...depends on how much time you have already given him to resolve his feelings. If it's already been awhile (at least a year) and he is still not showing signs of getting tired of the single life, then certainly something else is necessary (don't continue to do what is not working).<P>I have read alot of your posts lately and I feel like you're reaching the end of your endurance with this...so maybe it is time for Plan B...if only for your sake...so you can have some peace. But only you can tell when is the right time.<P>Regardless of what you do....Please, Please, Please....stop being this man's victim...realize that it's his problem... let him deal with it...and quit giving him the opportunity to hurt you more by trying to get him to come back when he's not ready ("I'll come back..but won't love you").<P>The things they will say!!!! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Show him where the door is...ask him to shut it behind himself...and tell him you'll see him when he comes to his senses.<P>Buffy<BR> <P>

#887016 09/21/00 12:18 PM
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Please make sure you have all the medical help you need for your emotional state...you and your kids are going to need you strong and healthy.<P>Do what you can to get him to be the all the dad he can be, but Plan B him personally.<P>You did need to take care of yourself and your kids, but he is his own problem.<P>I think the only way he is possibly going to change his perspecitive if you get on with your life and become self sufficient. Of course your kids need him to be their father, but you can take care of yourself, thank you very much!

#887017 09/21/00 12:28 PM
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Hey, Allison,<P>I don't think I've posted to you before, but I have followed your story... I agree that it sounds like you're getting to the end of your rope. I'm so sorry things aren't going well.<P>One thing I'd like to suggest, if you haven't done it already, is to talk to your doc about depression? Severe stress can really wreak havoc with your chemistry... the right dose of the right meds can really help you cope & help you grab control of your life... if you're already on something, you might need to consider either upping the dosage or trying something else. It took me a few tries to get it right. I've been treated for depression for 11 yrs now - I *do* see a downward progression in your posts for a few weeks... please look into it, okay, Allison?<P>FWIW, I also agree it might be plan B time - this jerking you around stuff is tearing you up. Dumb H [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] !!!<P>Please take care of *you*, Allison - your kids need you, and YOU need you. Your H is 'beyond the pale' right now. Leave him to his own devices for awhile. Plan A doesn't seem to be doing it with him (your new motto: "No more Mrs. Nice Guy"!).<P>Prayers for renewed strength for you - and keep posting!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

#887018 09/21/00 01:49 PM
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Your posts have helped me feel stronger. Thank you all.<P>H and I have been seperated only about 4 1/2 months. He had a 2 year affair that was over before I discovered it. He is 48, and a mess.<P>Do you think I've been on Plan A long enough to do Plan B. I did a good A, but have fallen apart so much that he is throwing the words I have said to him back in my face, about how I admired and supported him, about how I was stronger now. He said he always knew I was just pretending these things because underneath I am a mess too.<P>Guess I kinda blew months of Plan A. I was doing Plan A long before he left the house, so probably at least 7-8 mos.<P>Thanks for the advice on going to the dr guys. I am already on an anti-d, but you're right, I maybe need another dosage or something...maybe I need to just feel this pain so I will never be put thru this again. <BR>I appreciate your encouraging words. I will get over this shock feeling again soon, and begin to live my life. I've got too much to do (don't we all?) to let this pity party go on for long. <P>Got kids to raise here...no rest for the weary.<P>allison

#887019 09/21/00 02:03 PM
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Hi Allison,<P>Here's some {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}} for you! I am so sorry that this is happening to you. Like the others who have posted, I agree that you seem to be at the end of your rope. But, really, you're stronger than you think. I have been inspired by you so many times before, and I know, I believe that you will get through this. I don't think it's time for divorce. He doesn't want that yet, let him initiate it if he comes to that conclusion.<P>Don't let yourself be a victim. This is his crisis, don't take his crisis upon yourself. Take care of you, and state what are acceptable and what is non-negotiable. Date others while you are still married? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Without realizing it, he is being very selfish and really is not thinking about how the things he wants is going to affect you. It's all about him right now, he has detached himself emotionally from the marriage, his feelings for you, and is showing no regard for either. He doesn't appear to be concerned with your needs and feelings, at least not entirely.<P>I think he knew that you would want him back at home, so he threw in the stuff about not being faithful and not loving you, to rock your world further. I guess you could look at things either one of two ways: 1) Go to plan B, if you don't think you can handle the lifestyle he intents to have if he were to move home. Or 2) Let him move in, and Plan A him GOOD! It'll be tough, but I think you'll see what he really is made of if you're being a loving wife to him and if he really continues this distructive behavior in the presence of his children. If he's able to do that, then you have to decide if this man is still what you want for you and your children in the long run.<P>Would you consider going to a therapist alone, or call one of the Harleys?<P>Hope this helped! More {{{{{{hugs}}}}}<BR>Take care, MT

#887020 09/21/00 04:48 PM
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Thanks many tears,<P>You know, you're right! Everyone is right! This is his deal, I have to learn that all over again. I cannot let myself be drug down. Yep, I will find a good counselor for me and the kids. <P>I can't force him home, as much as I'm tempted. I guess in the back of my mind I feel like it's sort of an option, but he will be horrible if I try it.<P>It's just all spinning so out of control right now...I don't know if this is part of the fog, roller coaster...or if he truly has no (almost) feelings left for me anymore. I mean, they don't all come home do they?<P>I will get it together. Needed a day of rest.<P>BTW, he is really mad right now because I told him he needed to see the kids this weekend at his apartment, that I would not be forced to leave my home when he wants to see the kids. It feels bad, cuz the kids hate it to much there...I hope I'm not using them to hurt him. I want him to really start to SEE what it will be like if he divorces me. Poor kiddos...I don't blame them...it's grim as can be at his apt.<P>allison

#887021 09/21/00 06:39 PM
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Allison,<P>You may not even realize, people you don't even know, like me, are praying for you ...<P>-dawnn

#887022 09/21/00 06:43 PM
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Oh Allison,<P>I felt my stomach churn as I was reading your post. I feel for the pain that you are going through. I know that feeling of being on the edge, like you're just not sure that you can take one more blow. You are going to have to take a deep breath and do the hard things in order to get sanity and order in your life now. Don't let him trample all over your self-respect. Do something about it now. Let him figure things out on his own. In his own apartment. With his "dates". You don't need his kind of attitude right now. Your kids don't need that either. <P>As far as his apartment goes, tell the kids to think of it as camping. Children are suprisingly resilient. He won't want his children in that environment as you have witnessed and almost surely will do something about it. <P>Be well for your children. They are the most important. Be well for yourself. I will say a prayer for your family.<P>cleo

#887023 09/21/00 06:45 PM
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Az, <P>Don't have much to say, having a bad day myself...<P>I'm feeling right now more than thinking, but I feel it's time he learned the facts of life - he cannot come home unless he wants the marriage. This isn't kindergarten - he should grow up.<P>Don't beat yourself up about plan A. What is there to admire in him right now?<P>Whether you go to plan B or not, you gotta picture yourself living a really good life without him. It's his loss. That is where I found my strength.<P>I thought I couldn't go on if he left me. I took a good look at the road ahead with my kids and it was lovely. I opened my hand and let go. He came back (never actually left the house), but I knew then I would be fine either way.

#887024 09/21/00 07:05 PM
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dear AA,<BR>I know your pain,When my H left I thought the world ended.I know it feels like you will have a nervous breakdown,but what gives you strength and keeps you going is your children. <BR>H payed all the bills all of our married life.Imagine how devasted I was when he left and I had no clue what bills we had,hardly Knew how to pump gas,or what nights the garbage went out. <BR> But quess what I learned ,I really dont need him to survive. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>When H left went right into plan B.Who knows what future will bring,But with support of family and friends this can be done.Love and prayers,beth

#887025 09/21/00 07:07 PM
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Allison,<BR> I am realy sorry that things aren't working out any better.You've been a very strong woman throughout all of this and have grown and accomplished much for yourself.<P> To have him home on his own terms,is no way to have him. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I'd ask you to ask yourself if more of the same(plan a) is likely to change things? Regardless of whether you chose to keep up with Plan A or move to Plan B, you will keep growing and lose what feelings you have left for him. If he choses to continue with his current behavior indefinitely could you live married,but not really married? He says he doesn't want a divorce, but it is unlikely that anything else would be acceptable to most wives after living with such indecision and without seeing the hope of a reconciliation.<P> You can't beat yourself up for every little mistake you made with Plan A.None of us ever do it perfectly.....we're human.And the kids.....don't make them go to his place for the weekend if they don't want to. Their lives should not have to be disrupted for his convenience and neither should yours.Don't make any concessions for him,he hasn't made any for you.In no way,shape or form should you feel like you have to leave your own home so that he can hang out with the kids. Let him take them out if they don't want to hang out at his place,it's just another reality check for him as to what a divorce would really look and feel like. You're not using them to hurt him. You are simply giving them a choice and some control in their own lives.Hugs and prayers for you. <BR>

#887026 09/21/00 07:48 PM
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Allison,<P>Just a thought about the kids and his apartment. Do they hate his place because they really hate it, or is wanting him at the house their way of trying to get "Dad" to come home?<P>It's time for you to really connect with your children and find out what their pain and hurt is like. They must have tons of fears, insecurities, anger, disappointment, etc. Your children and you will help each other through this difficult period. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Blessing, MT


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