Hi Cindy,<BR> I just wanted to pop in and let you know that someone else has the same types of issues. I can totally relate to what you are thinking and how you feel about it. Although my H has never come right out and told me he would cheat again if the right circumstances arose,it's hard for me to honestly think otherwise and it really bothers me. <P>My H too is very honest about all the sexual fantasizing that goes on in his head on a daily basis. He comes home and tells me sometimes about the conversations he and his male co-workers have at work. He's admitted that sex is on their minds probably at least every 10 seconds I always kind of feel like "geez,how can I compete with all the air-brushed woman they look at in magazines or the teeny boppers with 10+ bodies? I'm close to 40 years old and have 3 kids." I definitely do not have the body I had when I married him. I guess it bothers me so much because it seems like the fantasies are all based around looks and I feel like I just can't compete on that level anymore and his fantasizing is certainly not something that is going to go away.<P>Sometimes I feel like the insecurity will never leave me. I mean, I thought I had a handle on it all BEFORE he had an A because I REALLY thought I could trust him. With that LEVEL of trust pretty much shot now (I just don't think I will ever trust him the way I once did)I feel like I will live with this insecurity the rest of my life and frankly..it $**ks.It's just one of those things that nags at my brain as to whether a BS ever recovers COMPLETELY. I think we are a success and our marriage is better than ever but I do harbor some resentment that I still feel this lack of trust related to something that can't be changed(his sexual fantasizing). It makes me wonder, if later down the road, after years of feeling this way, something won't give and our marriage will end up falling apart as a result.

This thread took off over the weekend!<P>I know, mthrrhbard, I go forward in my marriage knowing he may cheat on me again, and I will end it if he does.<P>I don't think it is all about looks, though. Did you read Catplay's weighty thread?

Mourning,<P>I went and read some of your posts. This isn't jealousy Mourning, this is something far worse. For what its worth I am about your H's size and I admit to getting mad occasionally, but what you are talking about with a gun and tearing up the house isn't jealousy and it isn't normal for people even if they can get away with it. He has severe problems and you do need to protect yourself.<P>This has nothing to do with sex any more than the driver he ran off the road did. This man needs to undergo some serious counseling and medical evaluation.<P>I think you need to seriously consider leaving this situation. I guess I would really like to add, that you do need to understand why you go for the "boy toy" types with an obvious violent streak in them. They aren't the norm, so you must be seeking them out in some fashion.<P>Hope this causes you to think seriously about your situation, because it is serious.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

mthrrhbard,<P>I thought I would reply to you about your concerns. What is very hard to explain to women, is the looks thing. Now again I can only speak from my experience, but I have some confidence that what I am about to say is in the middle range of how some men respond.<P>You worry about being 40 + and not being able to compete with the young plastic hardbodies. Have you ever heard the saying "it pays to advertize" ? Your H like most men will respond to a women in a short skirt, a crop top especially if she has been enhanced, etc, but the initial attraction won't hold unless there is something else there.<P>Now you already have that something else. And in fact you are probably quite attractive to him. My W probably weighs about 30 pounds more than when we married, 25 years ago. She was very slender and relatively tall 5' 10" when we married. I found her very attractive, but she was not a great beauty. Now at 50 she carries her weight well, and in the right places (hips and bust) and quite frankly I think she is very sexy.<P>What has happened? Well, I still find the Baywatch babes interesting . However, I also find my W sexy. I have grown older I see things differently. I prefer a mature woman, I prefer "natural" woman. I do believe that there is "better living through chemistry", but I don't really think so with the human body.<P>I guarentee that you have the same body parts as the younger woman and men will and do find them interesting. It comes down to attitude on your part and confidence on your part. Your H had an affair, but he is with you. Why? Because he wanted to be with you.<P>You ladies need to understand. You H's had affairs but they chose you: twice or more. I am not absolving them of their affairs, but I think that you are forgetting that your H's still preferred you for many reasons. Now that you are more aware of the almost constant thoughts of sex, perhaps you will see that you now have power over your H's if you will use it. <P>Ladies, we are putty in your hands if only you pay attention. <P>So don't worry about the age thing so much or the sex issues so much. Just remember the one thing that is positively guarenteed to attract a man is enthusiasm. Make your life something you are enthusiastic about, make sex something you are enthusiastic about and I'll make a modest wager you won't lose those H's of yours, in fact you will have a hard time getting rid of them. <P>Please think about this. Yes, sex is important and we do think about it alot, but the good news for you is that we can fixate on many things and they don't have to come on a young hard body woman. In fact if you have read here often you will see that often when a man goes for a younger woman, it is the fact that she admires him, needs him, is anxious to be around him that attracts him. Notice I didn't say anything about sex?<P>Hope something here helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Mourning:<BR><B>Just Learning-<BR>I would take his jealously as a compliment if he weren't so psychotic about it! I have been posting details on the Resolving Conflict message board. My topic is "How much violence is acceptable?" Read that, and you'll understand I don't feel complimented!<BR>He has become increasingly unstable and accusatory during our marriage, to the point where he has made me physically afraid of him at times.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>Allow me to jump in here, Mourning. I have had some experience in this area. My STBX's ex-BF was a lot like your H, and he nearly killed her. I've also spent time doing work for battered women's shelters, and have talked to plenty of abused women as part of radio shows I've done in the past. I read your posts on the Resolving Conflict board, and I know you've been told over and over again, but here we go:<P>GET OUT OF THAT SITUATION NOW!<P>Not soon, not when you have the time, not when he hits you again, not when you're fed up, now, now, now!<P>You know, I'm sure Hitler was really charming and sweet to Eva Braun when he wanted to be! Reading your posts, I see a textbook case of an abused woman who is not only in serious denial, but in serious danger. The guns, baseball bats, mag lites, and other things that he keeps for "defense" can be turned on you before you know what's happening, or even why. The road rage incident shows he has only limited control of his temper, and you WILL find that limit. He WILL hit you again, count on it.<P>The thing you need to remember is, this jealousy has NOTHING to do with you, it is a product of his own insecurity. Just because you're a knockout doesn't give him any right whatsoever to be jealous and possessive. He is deathly afraid of losing you and has learned (with your help) that the threat of violence will keep you around. Every time he threatens you, your dogs, or anyone you know with violence, and you give in, you merely reinforce his behavior.<P>You've mentioned that he threatened your dogs with starvation...what do you think he will do to your children when he gets angry?<P>No excuses, leave him in the dust. Leave town if you have to (and you probably will), take the dogs to someone you trust, heck, I'd take them in if I could! Just please, get out. I've seen how this story ends, honey, and it ain't pretty.

Hello again,<BR> Yes, Cindy I saw the "weight" thread. I know the A isn't about looks. H has said OW was ordinary looking. In our case it was definitely about feeling needed and special and admired. It was the fatasizing part that I was referring to when I talked about looks. I know he's not fantasizing about anything ordinary,he's the Carmen Electra, Selma Hayek type of guy! LOL<P>Oh, Oh JL!!!!! NO NO NO NO NO! Not 40+ ,pushing 40! Please don't get me there any faster than I'm getting there on my own!!! LOL. Actually you made my day and I totally agree with you, I think you are right on the money, in my H's case anyway. Yes, he chose me for many very special reasons.He's a very different man than he was before,he's HAPPY,genuinely happy.<P>You are so right about the enthusiasm part. I had become an overworked mom and forgot about being a wife first. I had no energy left for H at the end of the day,especially when he wasn't even trying to meet any of my EN's. So it became a catch 22 situation. It could have easily been me having the affair, I just didn't have any opportunity (thank God)! When we first did the EN's questionaire, he didn't have any complaints about the frequency part of his sexual fulfillment need but wanted more enthusiasm. I quit my job and things couldn't be better, at least with that EN!!! Your input on this thread has been very helpful. Thank you for reminding me to see the glass half full instead of half empty!

Oh Clack!<BR>Please understand that he has never laid a hand on me! He has only blown hot air! <BR>Please, anyone who reads my posts understand: If he had hit me, I'd be gone already! I'm not stupid!<BR>Sorry to be defensive, but he has never hurt me, and I want that well understood!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>So don't worry about the age thing so much or the sex issues so much. Just remember the one thing that is positively guarenteed to attract a man is enthusiasm. Make your life something you are enthusiastic about, make sex something you are enthusiastic about and I'll make a modest wager you won't lose those H's of yours, in fact you will have a hard time getting rid of them. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Truer words were never said.<P>Thanks to all of you for helping me understand this better.<P>I think his insecurities go far deeper than I had ever thought. He has been resistant to my seeking counselling for the deep depression I'm still in (no drugs, though). He is finally on board and I have my first appt. set up. In time, maybe he'll go himself.<P>He admits he is very threatened by the idea of me being strong and independent (healthy). <P>

schizzo,<P>If he is admitting that, you are far deeper into his heart than you realize. Take good care of it for him. You are right being stronger and healthier will help you and your H. But when people aren't certain of where they stand change is not viewed as optimum.<P>Keep talking with him and get help. I see you two coming through this very well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I agree with JL, it sounds as if your husband is afraid of losing you. Schizzo, the one thing that you need to keep in mind is that the male ego is very fragile, very. It may be a warped way of looking at things, but I can see where your husband views your getting better, stronger and more independent as you no longer needing him. He views you as a very desirable woman, a woman that could probably have any other man that you want and that with you being healthier and more independent, you will go out and choose another man. <P>Again, it may be a warped way of looking at things, but sometimes the male ego is so fragile that it even turns the "logical" male brain into mush.

Wow, thanks for the quick replies.<P>JL, what do you mean far deeper into his heart? It is true that his perception of me has totally changed from ten months ago, when he stopped the affair. I think he was here because it was the right thing to do. It astounded me that he was so concerned about hurting OW, but was numb when it came to me...<P>F A - I have made it safe for him to tell me these things, but I sometimes feel he will never truly have my best interest at heart.<P>I do see that his admitting this is a big step for him...

schizzo,<P>What I mean is that if he is talking to you about his fears and concerns for your marriage, you are loved and needed more than you realize. He has let you into his heart and thinking far more than you seem to be aware of.<P>It is very likely that you now have the capability of hurting him far more than he can hurt you. And he is letting you know this. I suspect he worries that if you become healthier and more independent that you will take revenge on him and he knows you can. <P>Now one of two things are going to happen IMHO. One his vulnerability will make him very sensitive. He will then really go back into a shell to protect himself if he feels threatened. Or if things get even better you will see him come out even more.<P>I sense from what you have said that he has really grown to love you, enjoy your company, and to be willing to risk his feelings and heart by telling you of his fear of change.<P>Please think about this. You seem to have accomplished much more than you realize in the last 10 months.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Dear Schizzo:<P>Wow! Great thread! Nice to get some insight into male *thinking*, don't ya agree?<P>What JL and FA say is incredible to me...who would have thought that our H's would FEAR us getting stronger...only to perhaps leave them in the dust...????? WOW! <P>Guess this explains why my H has asked me more than once, "Marie, you aren't going to leave me once the kids go off to college, are you?"....silly H! Doesn't he know that I'm truer than true????? Not jumping ship...here for the long haul????<P>Schizzo...I also posted on your counseling thread. As you read my response, I think you'll be able to surmise that I found counseling very "freeing"...and GOOD for me. It DID make me stronger...more sure of myself. Perhaps my H is slightly "leery" of the new and improved Marie . Maybe not a bad thing to keep him on his toes!... <P>Peace, ~Marie