Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
During my ride on this roller coaster ride that we call infidelity, I have grown and my ideas have changed quite a bit on the subject.
I still believe that marriage & family is a very important thing and one that should not be discarded lightly. I feel that a marriage should be saved if possible.
But there are some differences between how I felt then and how I feel now about the situation.
Before... I couldn't imagine and didn't want to try to imagine my life without my H in it. He was such a big part of my life that it was like half of my being was gone. I knew where it was, I could see it but it was just out of reach. I thought that if I did this and if I did that, that eventually he would come around and come back to our life together. And he did but I nearly destroyed myself in the process. Or should I say that I nearly let him destroy me. Which ever, when I look back on it now and think about how I was and how many nights I tortured myself and allowed him to torture me as well, I get very angry at myself for not being stronger and more independent.
If this would happen to me again, if he would to have another affair I know without a shadow of a doubt that our marriage would be over because I would not stand for it again. NEVER!!!!

With all due respect to the Harley's, because I do believe that they do great work and help many couple stay together which should be the way it works. I can't help but beleive that some of the ideas and principals behind their methods are misconstrued or even wrong, depending on how these philosophies are perceieved.

For example... The plan A: I feel should be a short period of time. But some of us {me included} held on and held on waiting for our undying efforts to make a difference. To change their minds. To touch their hearts, to bring them back.

The only thing that it did for me was to allow my H to continue his affair and know that he still had a place to come home to when he was done playing his little boyish games. He never felt that he was in any danger of loosing his family because there I was re-assuring him that I loved him and wanted our marriage. He knew that he didn't need to be in any kind of a hurry because I was there waiting for him the entire time.

Whenever he would feel me slipping away or notice that I hadn't contacted him in a few days he would get in touch merely to feel the waters. I would take it as a sign that he was missing me or possibly interested and again re-assure him that I still loved him and wanted him back. Once he again realized that I hadn't gone anywhere and was still waiting on him, he knew that it was safe to play a little longer. There was still time on the clock, hell he saw that he hadn't even reached 1/2 time yet let alone the 2-minute warning of the fourth quarter. So the game continued.
But there did come a time when we did get down to the 2-minute warning. I had had enough and I was tired of playing this game of his. Basically what happened is that there was an occurance that was the last straw for me. He doubted this and tried to feel out the situation again seeing if we could go into overtime I guess, but like I said I had enough and he saw that I wasn't willing to go into overtime and that is when he no longer felt safe playing the game and decided no to play anymore either and came home.
I truly believe that if I had re-assued him that day that I still loved him and was waiting on him that the roller coaster ride of infidelity would have continued.

Having rambled that... I just think that plan A is good for a short period of time but to go on and on and on with it, is only prolonging the affair. Because they are not in fear of loosing anything because they know that it is still there for them whenever. Thus prolonging the agony for us the BS. That is wrong!!! That isn't love that is selfishness.

When I stopped playing the game and took the first steps to ending the game with a D as he had stated he wanted... suddenly he didn't want it anymore. He didn't know what to do because he didn't have any control anymore. You see, all this time he was calling the shots and he had the control over all of our lives. In many ways I was his puppet and he was the puppeteer, but when I cut the strings he got scared that he was going to loose his family and made some changes and put some effort into saving his family and his marriage. But up until that point, I was putting forth all the effort into saving the marriage and the family, so much that he didn't need to do anything because I was holding everything together just fine all by myself.

Did he love me, yes I think he still loved me but he sure didn't show it! Did I prolong my own agony by Plan A'ing so long, I sure think I did. Did I do right or wrong? I think I did both. I did right by plan A'ing I just did it to long and that is where I believe that I went wrong.

Could this be true for everyone? I don't know, only you can be the judge of that. But I will tell you this, it is definately a leap of blind faith. But I also think that if you plan A to long, you tend to loose their respect and come off as being needy and desperate. {As a matter of fact my H told me that many times} and he did not find me at all attractive like that either.

I have given enough in my life and of my life. I refuse to be treated or taken for granted like that ever again. Life is to short and there are to many other men out there looking for a good woman. I will never again be treated so poorly even if that means being alone.

For me.... Looking back and can see where I caused alot of my own pain and suffering by in essence allowing and condoning his actions and his affair by always being there waiting for him to come home.

Genie


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Hi Genie.......

Are you OKAY? You sound bitter? Did I mis-read you? Do you feel bitter?

I was not on the net when I found out about H's affair 1995.....years later...

...when I read the Harley philosophy.... I wondered about plan A too.....
At the time of discovery, I was all alone, and without advice.... but looking back.... I threw myself directly into plan B. I did this by instinct. I told him "Choose now, I'm not going to wait around".... he believed me too! LOL! He chose me.

This worked for me. I feel waiting around for someone to "choose" is humiliating.

Hope you're OKAY.

Take care.


Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 39
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 39
I agree with you both, this waiting for him to choose is destroying every ounce of self esteem and dignity I have left. Each and every day I wonder if I should just severe all contact with him and see what happens. Been over a year at this and I do believe I am reaching the last thread of the rope. He knows that he can play with my feelings and does whenever it suits him. Our son (3 yrs. old) gets very confused and angry at him, since he never knows when he'll be here, for how long or when the next time will be. I admire you both and am so happy that it has worked out for the both of you. Best to you in the future. By the way Genie29, you don't sound bitter at all to me.

Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
Yesterday,
No I am not bitter, I am sorry if I came across like that. We are together and doing well {knock wood}...lol.
I guess I tend to get a little mad at myself sometimes for putting up with so much when I do truly feel like some of it could have been avoided.
When I read different posts from people I can relate in such a way that it is almost like I am reading what I wrote back then all over again. I guess it is just the hindsight vs. foresight thing.
And I guess I am also kinda hoping that since these A's seem to be so familiar in many ways for some that maybe some of my hindsight can be someone else's forsight.
I remember all to well what it was like and I hate the thoughts of anyone feeling the same.

Perhaps, I shouldn't have made this thread, I don't know but I didn't mean to sound bitter at all. I am not bitter because I feel like I learned alot from the experience. I feel like I am a much stronger and independent woman now than I ever have been before and I like that.
I guess for me now... my life is my own. I live for myself instead of living for my H. I choose to share my life with him and he chose to share his with me. I am definately a different person for having gone through all of this and I think I am a better one too.
My H and my family mean alot to me don't get me wrong but unlike before... I mean something to myself too.

Genie


Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
Too hurt for words...
I am so sorry for the frustration, confusion and hurt that you are feeling. I can relate all to well, believe me. Although I can't tell you what decisions to make for yourself and your family.... I would suggest that you concentrate on you more and less on your H. If and when he wants more.... you will need to have yourself together and not worn down by the mind games that some of these men play.
Good Luck to you,
Genie

Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 54
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 54
Genie, thank you so much for posting this.

I didn't see any bitterness in it at all, just truth. I think that it took awhile for me to realize that NOT accepting my husband's affair (in my face) was not wrong, but RIGHT. This didn't mean I loved him less, but that I was not going to condone his actions any longer, I was taking a stand for myself. Not with anger, but with love (for myself as well as him). Plan A, like you said, is meant for a certain time period. IMO, I think this is if you've had some serious problems in the past (not showing respect for your spouse, needing to learn better marriage communication skills, etc.). A short Plan A that shows your spouse that you love them, yet will not tolerate being treated like that, is the best bet, IMO (and speaking from what my H's actions have shown).

I can only say that your sentiments mirror mine exactly. I think so many times that anger and bitterness can really seep into a marriage from an affair, and Harley's methods make sure that we understand that there are two parties to work on what's happened here. And if TWO PARTIES are willing to do the work, that is fine. But if one of those parties, the betrayer is not willing, then what to do? My husband only came around when I expressed to him my unwillingness to stay with him because of his affair. I know that some have said here that only the weak will leave a marriage when continuously bombarded with an affair, but it's pretty tough to have to stand firm after loving someone for so long and realizing that you cannot be with someone who has violated your trust and love to such a degree. Honestly, I could never go through that again with my H. And like you, I won't and he knows it. But at the same time, he also knows I love him. It's not a threat it's just something I cannot deal with again.

A giving, loving marriage is what we're striving for (and it sounds as if you have a very healthy concept of this!), and we will make it. There are potholes along the way, but we can overcome them.

[This message has been edited by Kayleigh (edited October 21, 2000).]


Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 483
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 483
Hi Genie,

Your language certainly sounds different than when around 10 months you lectured me in a post that Jim (NSR) has posted permanent for its profundity and meaning.

Although I (smartly or stupidly) never followed Harley's rules from A to Z, I must say that what he teaches is, with other words, the same that many philosophies have thought throughout thousands of years: to truly love and understand; to forgive and forget; to know that "to every thing there is a season"; etc.

We forget though, that there is not a single philosophy that teaches to put ourselves under or behind any other human being) i.e.: the Second Commandment instructs to love "Thy Fellow Being", but it also instructs to love oneself.

I guess it has something to do with each person's resistance to mental pain as if it was physical pain. Years ago I accompanied an employee with alcohol problems to his first three or four meetings at AA. I'll never forget something that I heard there (I think that I even posted once about it): a man was wondering why some people -like my employee- were in the meeting since they had NOT YET "touched bottom" like himself, meaning what business had in AA people who weren't homeless, had a job and a family and apparently STILL had everything else in life. An old Mayan man got up and said something like "people are like 'cenotes' (sinkholes), some can hold more water than others but it is up to each person to decide when he's had enough".

So it's up to each and everyone of us to decide how long we'll use Plans "A" or "B" or no plan at all —even Hurley mentions that 6 months is an average figure for Plan "A"—. I would go further to say that WE alone decide if we want to try to rekindle the old relationship (I'm against this), to try to start a total new relationship with the same person (I'm pro this one) or to move on (which is what I finally did).

There is an interesting short story worth to read, you'll find a summary here: WHO MOVE MY CHEESE?

Good luck, Genie. I still thank you for that post that made a terrible night become bright.

Alex

------------------
Live fully and always learn


Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 524
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jul 2000
Posts: 524
Dear Genie,

It is interesting to read these posts and wonder if you wrote them yourself, isn't it?

I too, have read many posts and was amazed with the similarities. Your's in particular caught my attention.

I feel somewhat bitter and my H has been home since Feb. of this year, and we struggle still.

I was weak and needy, did and said many things to H that I now wish I hadn't. He was wiping his feet and b--- on me Big time, until I finally had the guts to say NO MORE!! You will treat me with dignity and respect, even if you don't THINK you love me.
I deserve that much!

I often wonder if his affair would have died a natural death and in reality, did it? I sometimes think he came home too early, and if I had left him alone, and not been so persistent in his making a choice, would he have chosen her in the end instead of me?

I get bitter sometimes with myself for not knowing for sure, me or her? Is he here out of comittment to the children? Do you think these questions can create animostiy between us, even if only one of us is doing the questioning? Am I making any sense here?

For instance: ( about a year ago) She told me she did'nt want any part of our triangle any longer, he was listening on the other phone. He went off his rocker, that night... he got drunk, drove 70 miles to her house, 105 mph, to beg her not to let him go, b/c he worshipped the ground she walked on...She refused to see him, he came back home late, devastated. Would he do this for me? Has he ever worshipped the ground I walk on? I don't think so!!!

I sincerely believe, if I had taken the course of action H thought I would take when I discovered them, which would have been D, he would be with her today. But, instead I fought for my marriage and my H. Now I ask, did I do the right thing? Did I screw up a sincere love affair that was supposed to be? Was I in the way? Should I have let him go, hoping he would find his way back to me someday?

Does any one else struggle with these questions? This is probably not even in the same ballpark with this topic.

Cathy


Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 813
L
Lu Offline
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 813
Hi Genie,

I don't think you sound bitter, but STRONG.....as to Plan A ,one of the posters, (I can't remember who) was told by Jenn Harley that Plan A should be short....3weeks or so!!!!......in the book it says usually no more than 6mos.....

I agree that Plan Aing too long drains one of self respect and esteem....by the 5th month I was a shell of a person and felt much better in Plan B...in fact , like you, will NEVER go through this again ever....LU


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Thank you for informing me you are not bitter... but rather empowered!

If anyone is miserable in plan A..... say, after 3 weeks..... what would your advice be?

------------------
~*~*Yesterday~*~*
all my problems seemed so far away~*


Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
Thank you for all of your replies to my thread here. In stead of trying to address you all individually I am going to try and do it all at once.
As far as the question as to how long to Plan A... that is one that must be made on an individual basis according to the circumstances. Three weeks I tend to think is rather short depending on how you look at it. Let me just say this.... At that point there are still alot of raw emotions that you are still trying to deal with. I don't think that I would Plan B but distance myself in a way that I could basically plan A myself to get myself together somewhat. Yesterday, I am not sure whether you are still living with your S orjust what the circumstances are at the moment but I guess the best advice I could offer you is to put yourself first for awhile. Think about what you need to become stronger in your mind. Although I would not go to Plan B just yet, I wouldn't kiss his tail and try to turn myself inside out for him either. Be respectful and kind, but most importantly be respectful and kind to yourself and expect a degree of the same in return from your H. Take a step back and regroup yourself.
Catplay, I went through exactly the same thing as it seems you are. There were many time that I questioned the way things turned out and what my H's true feelings were and if I had done the right thing in the end by reconciling. Wondered if he was happier with the OW than with me. Wondered if it b/c of the children or b/c of me. Doubted the reassurance that he offered with scepticism. I think this is somewhat of a safety mechanism that is hard to turn off. But this is what I finally decided. The fact was he was with me and our family and more than anything in this world I did want it to work our for many reasons. And the best way to help ensure that was that I had to turn off these thoughts and stop all of this second guessing the issues that at the moment were not the most important thing. If you want your marriage to suceed you must concentrate on that and know that second guessing and wondering all of those what if's isn't healthy for you or the recovery of your marriage. As hard as I know it is, you must try to cut them off and strive to put your mind somewhere else whenever they hit. The will not be at all productive only counterproductive and you must be positive during this period. Concentrate on today and tomorrow. Make today and tomorrow the best that you can for both you and your H and you will be just fine. Yesterday doesn't matter right now... your can't change any of that and trying and analysing it will only help destroy the present.

Love and prayers to all
Genie


Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
Hi Genie,

I find your post to be reflective, honest, and completely realistic. Like you, I have a great respect and admiration for the Harleys and their principles. But I also know there is not a "one-size-fits-all" plan for dealing with infidelity.

Here is what plan A did for me. After the initial shock wore off and I read the books and found this site, I decided to give plan A a try. It made my husband angry for me to be nice to him. Some of that was guilt, but some of it was it did make me appear weak and unwilling to be strong and stand up for myself. On our anniversary, I began to really try to do a "good" plan A, after about two months of uncertainty about the future of our marriage. I plan A'd well, not perfectly, but very well considering my nature. Now I know that about three months of plan A was enough to convince him that what he did wasn't really so bad, so he decided to pick up where he had left off. So the recontact started and continued for about five months until I rediscovered the affair.

Now I am doing plan P (as in peppermint), and he realizes that this is his absolute last chance to have any kind of relationship with me. I'm not sure how good those chances are, but I have agreed to commit myself to our marriage for the next seven months, and at that time we will reevaluate our progress and our future.

My point is that I absolutely agree that plan A does SOMETIMES become plan doormat if it goes on too long without real progress being made. I don't think there is one time limit that is right for everyone, but I know that I made it far too easy for firestorm to step over me to reach the other woman. NEVER AGAIN.

Thanks for this post. It comes at a time when I really need the encouragement.

Peppermint


Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 716
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 716
I plan Aed in my both my marriages. I didn't read the Harleys then but I read a lot and because I know of many good Christian couples who treat each other by fulfilling needs, I based my marriage on that. I believe that a lot has to do with the person you are married to.

I was first married to an abused orphan who then abused me and was wayward to boot. He just walked all over me and kept manipulating my kindness. When the straw broke the camel's back, he still thought he had a chance until I left the house for good. He wrote to me that he was 'selfish and cruel and bitter and greedy and that he took my kindness and goodness for granted, etc..".

This second marriage was almost like a dream and we fulfilled each other's needs except that he got drunk and commited adultery, yada yada yada. I told my WS that had I been a very fierce wife who would bobbit if he ever went astray he would even jump out of bed in his drunkeness but a good and wonderful and kind wife equals peace and comfort and forgiveness and non revenge!

So for Plan Aers, now I really believe that for some wayward spouses, they will only snigger at their good fortune because the only 'punishment' they have is that suddenly the betrayed spouses are falling over themselves to be even nicer so that the WS will be enticed to stay. I can imagine how their egos got boosted again and they can fall into a habit - have an affair and the spouse will Plan A them.

So, Peppermint is right - no one size fits all. I Plan B WS straightaway but he wouldn't go. He went down on his knees, did all the housework for the first time in his life, cooked for the first time in his life, and wept at my feet for the first time in his life.... He never even got down on his knees to propose, but ask him to get lost and he kneels down. So, it really depends on the state of the relationship and spouse. If you were Plan A in marriage pre-adultery, Plan B when A is exposed; if you were in a bad marriage pre-A, then plan A when adultery is exposed.?


Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 716
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 716
HOW ARE YOU PEPPERMINT? WHAT IS THE MATTER?

I SAW YOU BROUGHT UP TWO OLD THREADS.


May God help you and Firestorm, and give you the strength, unity and courage and stamina.

weep


Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
I did Plan A too long--18 months, then kind of just existed for a couple months, then went to the "I'm divorcing him" plan.

Okay, at that point, my H gathered himself together and began to Plan A me. If he had only done it for 3 weeks, we wouldn't be together. And, as I've posted, by that time I was involved with an OM. 3 weeks would have been nothing. But also consider, my H was not starting as a "betrayed" he was starting Plan A as someone who had continually hurt & betrayed me for almost 2 years. It took time & his consistant effort for me to believe his Plan A changes, it took time for me to consider trusting him, it took time for me to shakily try again.

And, quite honestly, I was awful to him during parts of his Plan A.

His Plan A gave me hope that we could have a marriage--a hope that had completely died. And my previous Plan A had given me the time to know who I was, what I optimally wanted--my family and marriage together--and that I would love unconditionally to enable that possibility. The memories & knowledge I gleaned during Plan A were also what I drew on to come back to the marriage.

Other successful marriage programs also use the Plan A type concept:
The MIDLIFE CRISIS trilogy by Conway
LOVE LIFE by Wheat
DIVORCE BUSTING by Weiner-Davis
TORN ASUNDER by Carder
AFTER THE AFFAIR by Springs
HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK by Harris
MENDING BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS (forgot author)
LOVE MUST BE TOUGH by Dobson (although this goes quickly to a Plan B type thing)

I know I used aspects of all of these--and more. If you don't understand Plan A, or it doesn't feel right, there are other options, but most of them allow for a time of months, even years for the reconciliation to truly begin. It is a rare WS that has immediate no contact upon discovery, but the majority of WS want to try to reconcile at some point. Plan A & B allows the Betrayed to still be willing to reconcile as well.

And, even though I think I did Plan A too long, if I had gone into divorce mode earlier, we'd probably be divorced, because there were many points at which a divorce was exactly what my H wanted, he just didn't want to initiate the proceedings--he thought that was my right as the betrayed (or something like that, it varied).

I don't have any regrets for my long Plan A. Second guessing is inevitable, but I did what I did, and now we're together, even though we were on the edge of disaster for a long time and it concievably could have gone either way.

------------------
Lor
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
(Proverbs 15:1).


Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 5,798
Oops, meant to add another thought on respect.

Plan A is not being a doormat, but it is difficult to find that line between dormatville and being a strong person who stands for their marriage no matter what the actions of their spouse.

My H tells me that he was amazed at how I stayed loving toward him. He didn't lose respect...however that might just be semantics, because he certainly didn't treat me well. But given my "good" actions & attitude, he felt guiltier betraying, lying and doing the rest of his bad behavior.

I do not think Plan A is weak behavior. You choose your course and stick with it, no matter how you feel moment by moment. You are a married person, and you decide your actions with no waffling no matter your spouse's actions.

That's strength, not weakness. I've had many people tell me that they couldn't do what I did, as regards to Plan A. Sure, Guard's OW thinks I'm a fool, but her opinion is less than nothing to me. After all of this, with Guard's co-workers knowing, and it being common gossip in church & in our neighborhood, there are very few people that I care what they think.

The correct response as far I am concerned with us back together is not "How could she/he take the other back" but "Wow, if they can make it through what they did, there is hope for most of us."

Sorry, got off tangent, but I'll leave that statement anyway.


Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 640
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 640
Well, I'm up there with Lor in terms of Plan A duration. I did nearly two years worth. I've filed for divorce and WANT IT, yet I'm really still Plan Aing, even after having let go of the marriage. It's a part of life now, part of the way I treat people respectfully.

I want to stress a distinction though. Plan A, the variety that includes no lovebusters, is not being a doormat and does not erode self-respect. It can be done with boundaries, with limited contact/pursuit, and with honest yet respectful communication of feelings. I will say, however, that the attempted needs-meeting variety, conducted DURING a known, active affair, with a spouse that has no intention or commitment to end the affair, becomes humiliating and damaging to self respect. I am sure of it because I experienced it. When you send them gifts and love-letters, when you cook them great dinners, when you plan extravagant family outings and vacations, and when you make a great house for them to come home to after ******* the other person, and offer them sexual favors, it feels horrible. I feel strongly at this point that betrayeds should NOT do this needs-meeting behavior during an active affair.

Just my two cents. Neither Plan A nor Plan B worked for me. I'm pretty clear that nothing would have worked.


Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,040
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: May 1999
Posts: 3,040
I agree that Plan A does not equate to being a doormat. I think Plan B is well nigh impossible when you have children, as well as being absolutely horrible for the children. What is wrong is to pretend you no longer love your spouse when you do - pretending you do not care when you do is dishonest.

As Distressed mentioned, it largely just a hypothetical matter. Nothing "works" when the WS is emotionally shut down.


Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,347
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Nov 1999
Posts: 2,347
Hey Coach!! LOL

I connot say how much your wise council helped me! Even though the ending wasn't what I had planned. I did come out the a winner in all this, as I am a much better person because of my W's affair. I found Bill! And you know what? I like who I found!

This post shares the same sentiments as that post you made last december. I remember it well. In fact it changed my life. I owe you a debt of grattitude I can never reay! I sincerly thank you.

Anyone else reading this pay attention. This smacks of the cold reality known as Infidelity!

Love Ya,

Bill


Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 218
Just to clear up on misconception that I think has been made I don't think that you should ever deny the way you feel. Meaning I don't think you should pretend not to care about your S if you in fact do. But caring about them should not hamper your from caring about yourself either. I never told my H that I didn't love him... I never told my H that I didn't want him, I just told him that I wouldn't put up with it anymore. That I could no longer be there for him in anyway when he so obviously didn't intend on being there for me. That wasn't pretending, that wasn't revenge... that was self-preservation.

On another note... one of you I can't remember which right now {sorry} mentioned that your H wanted you to do the filing as he felt like it was something that the BS should do. My H felt very simuliar. I think alot of that has to do with guilt and alot of it has to do with their idea of due punishment. But when I told my H that if he wanted a D that he would have to be the one to file for it because I was not going to make it easy for him by taking the legal steps to end our marriage so that he could say that I D'd him. But if he wanted a D as he said that he did then he would have to do the D'ing. That isn't to say that I didn't take steps to protect myself and our children financially because I did through separation, visitation, child support and alimony orders. I think this also gave him a better look at what reality was going to be with a D.
I could also tell that he wasn't so sure that he actually wanted a D. And forcing him to make that move was something that he realized that he just could not do and didn't really want to do.
In my case, my H was feeling so guilty that he didnt' think that he deserved "us" anymore and that in some ways "we" would be better off without him. In a strange way it was an act of love as he was trying to protect the children and myself from his own distructive behavior. He actually didn't trust himself not to hurt us again at that time.
Genie


Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 22 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Spartan Point He, OnTheRocks, Alise245, CVT, Olivia 80
71,700 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,537
Posts2,322,685
Members71,700
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5