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#903730 02/28/01 03:34 PM
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Hi, my H has been involved in an internet relationship with another female whom he says has become his best friend. They have met numerous times and our families have gotten together for various activities as we have children of similar ages and I even started to get to know this woman and began a friendship with her myself. However, there seems to now be an emotional detachment by my H from me and an attachment to her. I recently asked him to stop seeing and talking to her and this resulted in a very serious arguement and his refusal to stop the relationship. We are now at an empass in which we are civil and cordial in front of the children, but sort of flat and drained with each other. He calls her almost daily as well as spends a good bit of time on the internet chatting with her. I want our marriage to work and am working on the things that I know I've done wrong in the past and some of the insecurities, etc. that have plagued me however, he is not without blame and responsibility.......any help/guidance would be so appreciated. I have been much in prayer for days over this and see no clear answer at this time.

#903731 02/28/01 03:54 PM
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Welcome <B>lonelyheart</B>...<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out my post <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Plan A doesn't mean you can't be honest.<BR>You must let him know that this relationshp hurts you... and your family.<P>Do check out the following sites...<BR><A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/" TARGET=_blank>What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!!</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.chatcheaters.com" TARGET=_blank>Internet Infidelity Prevention, Detection, Advice and Books</A><BR><A HREF="http://netaddiction.com/" TARGET=_blank>Center for On-Line Addiction</A><P>Since your family already knows this woman...<BR>...and educating your H will be difficult without their support...<BR>...first let your H know you're hurt and need their support... especially if you don't get his support.<P>Start counseling ASAP even if he doesn't want to join in...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>If he is willing (almost never the case once an affair ***even emotional affair*** goes too far)... have him read "the book"...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Stay here for support and questions...<BR>...you are not alone!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Jim</A> / <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>NSR</A>

#903732 02/28/01 04:48 PM
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Hi NSR....Thank you for the response. I will try to obtain the money needed for counseling with Dr. Harley.....at this time money is a serious issue for us too as my H was out of work for about 6 weeks and we are trying to catch up the bills. I think I can go to my mom for that help. Have been talking to a couselor here that has a ministry, but as yet have been unable to sit down face to face to talk. It helps to know that there's someone out there to listen and that can understand how I feel. Right now, it's sort of like I'm lost and helpless and so sick inside. I've lost 15lbs. in 3 weeks and can't eat for the pain in my stomach and chest and have trouble sleeping too. I feel like God is dealing with this issue with my H, but he is unable to give up this friendship. He doesn't realize that he is being unfaithful, even if it is only emotionally so. I pray for open eyes, ears, and hearts for both of us. We have 2 young children, one of which is severly disabled. It's like having a 12 yr. old infant. That in and of itself has taken a toll on both of us.......sweet as she is. And she is an angel. Thanks again for your input and help.

#903733 02/28/01 07:29 PM
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lonelyheart,<P>I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I do have a question for you. Is OW's H aware of what is going on between his wife & your H? If not, maybe you should let him know. Then that will shake up their little fantasy and reality will set in.

#903734 02/28/01 08:10 PM
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I'm very sorry about what happened. My concern is with your health. When m wife left I didn't eat or sleep at all either. I felt sick and just could not eat. I finally ended up in the emergancy room dehydrated and malnurished. Don't let that hapen it really isn't a good experiance. Go to your docter and tell him or her what is going on. They prescribed me with an anti axiety and a nausea pill. Both helped and I was able to think more clearly to realize what must be done. I suggest you start Plan A and read His needs her needs. They have helped me. We are always here to help you and give you support. My prayers are with you.

#903735 03/03/01 05:30 AM
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lonelyheart,<P>I'm sorry about your situation.<P>It is very wise of you to seek help/counseling immediately.<P>My infidelity began with an online "best friend" relationship. I can assure you that at the time, I really thought that the online "friendship" was not wrong. By the time I realized just how wrong the relationship was, I had already allowed the relationship to become physical.<P>It was wrong of me to try to "counsel" another man online about his marriage problems. <P>It was wrong of me to secretly confide in a man who was not my husband. <P>Both of the above mentioned things caused me to become emotionally intimate very quickly with this other man. The emotional closeness eventually lead to physical closeness...both of which were wrong (to say the least).<P>I pray that your husband's eyes will be opened to what he is really doing to himself, to you and to your relationship.<P>I pray that God will fill your heart with peace. I pray that this situation will be quickly resolved before more damage is done.<P>Jill <P><BR>

#903736 03/03/01 07:02 PM
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Survivor, Wrngler, and Jill.......thank you so much for your input......yes, the woman's husband does know about the relationship, but not the details that i know. I breached my H's computer password and read e-mails from him to her after questions posed to him about the relationship only left me with more questions and wondering more. However, her H doesn't realize or doesn't care how deep the relationship is......their relationship is not that great. I see a counselor monday 3/5....don't know if my H will go with me or not, but please pray that he will eventually because he is truly addicted and needs the help. I will prob see my dr. after that to get a prescription for anti-depressants to help me function at work and at home as we have 2 young children.....one of whom is seriously handicapped and needs lots of care. i still can't eat much but am trying to keep up the fluid intake at least. thanks for your prayers and concerns. Jill, your story sounds just like my H's......he swears it's is friendship only....but they are EMOTIONALLY involved.....they talk on line and on the phone almost daily.....and they started out by "helping each other and confiding with each other about their marital concerns" and it has grown from there and at this point, he is refusing to give her up. I am reading His Needs, Her Needs and Boundaries in Marriage as well as seeking counseling. I just pray that it hasn't reached the physical realm yet, and that we can get help and get our lives and our marriage back on track. any other words of wisdom/advice are welcome. thank you and all of you have a great day. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903737 03/04/01 03:49 AM
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Dear LH,<P>I too share this same problem. My H went on line to meet other women, married women no less. He thought our love life was dead and wanted to find his match. He found several, one in particular has almost ruined our marriage. It started out as a simple friendship and within a month her e-mails were talking about sex. Even before that she was wanting to reach out and 'touch him'. That lead to daily phone calls and it went on for 3 months before I found out. I had noticed my H was on the computer a lot but since he worked from his home computer, putting in late hours was not unusual for him. What I did notice was his being distant, grumpy and always switching the computer when I would pass by his office. Previously he would always show me what he was doing, then he became increasing secretive. It was not until I accidently listened to 3 of his incoming voice mail messages on his cell phone that I found OW leaving him messages ending in "I love you". <P>By that time they already had sex and OW was claiming she was pregnant with their 'love child'. OW never proved she was pregnant and it turned out she was not (said she lost the baby at 3 weeks but never even proved that). Oh it gets better, in my attempt to communicate with what I thought was a 'sane person' misled by my H's misguided intentions (he was not saint), I soon found out that OW the internet tramp was well versed on how to respond to wives of the 'men' she had affairs with. Her responses were wicked and vicious. My H had given her lots of ammo about the bad aspects of our marriage to allow her to jump to all sorts of conclusions. As I have put in earlier posts in this forum, this OW threatened to throw me in jail for being an unfit and abusive mother, insinuated I was having an affair with my father-in-law, accused me of beating my husband, breaking his lap top computer, leaving my child unattended, etc. None of these accusations were true. OW & I have never met. My H had an EA & PA with this person. This OW has turned out to be a very manipulative, demanding and controlling person. She setup e-mail accounts for H, controlled his password, had him setup a special phone for her, had him get his own P.O. Box, controlled him in almost every way she could and even accused me (the wife) of 24/7 my husband. She is jealous of the attention my H gives his only child, tells H where & when to meet her (only at hotels), rejects him than makes him feel guilty so that he comes running back, etc. Mind you he thought he was meeting a very nice person. While all this was going on, he kept saying that she really is a nice person. In fact, he wanted me to be her friend. <P>Funny thing, her e-mail responses to me were anything but friendly. Once I sent an e-mail to H's e-mail address (the secret one they used - which I found out) and the message I sent was written anonomously as if from a former girlfriend. OW got ahold of that e-mail and assumed it was for her. She went ballistic. For about 10 days, her & H were trying to figure out who the e-mail came from. H thought our computer had a hacker. OW thought it was from me to her. She fired a response accusing me of being a lesbian and a bunch of other really weird stuff (she assumed the e-mail was for her - but it was sent to H's e-mail address). At the same time she was threatening to go to the police and turn me in for harrassing her. H was scared, OW had told him that her husband was out to get me and she was going to try to get me fired from my job. Since the original e-mail sent really did not have anything threatening in it (it was a simple - hi honey, how are you doing, etc.), I told H have them go to the police. I had already been to the police and I was told that I had not done anything legally wrong. H was confused, there was nothing for me to hide. OW would not show the original e-mail message to my H, OW just kept saying that the e-mail was threatening her life (which was a lie - again she offered no proof). However, in time, I did read her response (via a third party) and forwarded it to hotmail who immediately shut that e-mail address down. During this time I saw the movie 'Fatal Attraction' for the first time. I made H sit down and watch it with me. He denied his affair was as bad as the movie, the scary piece is that I could easily see the OW in that movie and H could not. <P>Here is some additional info that is good to know. Hotmail and other providers will react if they deem that their service is being abused. <P>Since then H has moved out in an attempt to find out if he really wants to have a life with OW or come back to his family or not have anyone. Lots of rollercoaster rides, lots of denial, lots of anquish, anxiety, financial hardship, lies, deceit, frustration, betrayal, etc.<P>OW tries to justify this on-line internet relationship as 'true love' and that it is okay to leave a marriage which OW has deemed a failure. OW writes her e-mails as if she is acting in a soap opera, colorfully speaks of their future plans together and makes grandiose promises of a new life together. However, actual time spent together does not show as much promise. At first, they blamed their inability to get along as the picture perfect couple on me. H even took her on a 3 day vacation to the mountains and found out that living with OW (even on vacation) had its drawbacks (she was beginning to nitpick him as if she was his wife or owned him as a piece of property). <P>My point to this long story (which has continued down to this very day). All that great feeling achieved on the internet romances are basically full of hot air. How long it takes to figure this out depends on how desparate both parties are. H & OW have pushed and pulled each other of their relationship many times since 6 months ago. H is basically scared of OW (she is kind of psyco) but has difficulty breaking away from her charms. <P>OW knows this and as a skill 'man hunter' has the ability to use all her charms (requires face to face meetings with him to talk him out of decisions he has made that are not in her favor). Ex: H was over my house today to reconcile (not the first time), OW called and told him to go outside and talk to her to make sure I would not be able to hear them. She wanted details of my conversations with H and how long, etc. (who is the wife here?) Anyway, H met with her tonight and gave her the final speach (or at least I hope so). I was asked to come and watch this parting meeting from a distance and within 1 hour of their departure, OW was trying to call him!!<P>My advice, beware of all affairs regardless of how harmless they may seem. They are all dangerous. No married man or woman can just have a 'friendly' relationship with someone on the love personal pages of the internet. According to my H, OW's advertisement on the personal websites just said she was interested in some one to talk with. Right. Sex was on her mind from the beginning. Her and her girlfriend were both doing the same thing and my H was caught by OW e-mailing both (H was too honest and gave both women his real name - naive or what??!?!). EA can go to PA very quickly. Reason: Internet correspondence creates an atmosphere of familiarity almost immediately. Unsuspecting users quick give trust to a stranger and if it is an experienced stranger, they are quick at identify a 'new user'. <P>My H has been in fog for the past year. He was in denial until I refused to dismiss this as a 'friendly relationship'. During that time, reasoning with him has been almost impossible. I had many sleepness nights, reocurring nightmares, anxiety attacks (2-3 times a week), rapid weight loss, loss of appetite, etc. Eventually I was able to get help. Many on this forum helped me. I know am in possession of a calm heart. There is no guarantee that H will come back and mend his ways. He is in the process of trying to come back this week. Time will tell. <P>This is just a part of my story. Hope this information is helpful. <P>L.<P><BR>

#903738 03/04/01 02:07 PM
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dear jill, i would like to ask a few questions if you don't mind and if you don't want to answer them, i understand. Thank you for taking the time to respond and your candor in your response. I'm sure you've been through a very difficult time and my prayers are with you. How did you come to realize what you were doing was wrong? Counseling? Accountability from friends/family? My H thinks he's doing nothing wrong and nothing i say gets through. I've tried to leave it in God's hands, but he got so angry with me last night i fear it may be past the point of no return/reconcilliation. What can I do, since you've been in his shoes, to handle the situation in the best way possible? I have a counseling appt. tomorrow afternoon, but i'm not sure if H will attend with me. I've tried a lot of Plan A, but our negotiations have broken down since I asked him to give up the friend. Says I willfully hurt him knowing how it would devastate him to be asked to give her up and that i knew that and asked anyway. I feel so empty and drained, and lost and he makes me feel like it's my fault and that i've also hurt her terribly which has been making me feel guilty, like i'm the one who is in the wrong. Thanks......got to get ready to go to work [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Have a good day. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903739 03/04/01 06:31 PM
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lonelyheart,<P>Of course I don't mind answering your question! I just hope that I can be of some help...<P>You asked how I finally came to realize that what I was doing was wrong...<P>Well, that's a tough one. I think that part of me always knew that it was wrong to have a relationship with a man over the Internet and that it was wrong to want to talk to this other man more than I wanted to talk to my husband. Unfortunately for me, the true force of what I was doing didn't hit me until the relationship with the other man turned physical. I was playing with fire all along and wouldn't admit it. I guess at the time I thought that I was an expert in fire and that I could handle what I was doing. Also, the other man had been pressuring me for a long time to meet him in person. It was the whole if-you-really-care-about-me-you'll-meet-me-in-person-and-prove-it thing. And, I fell for it.<P>When I finally realized what I had done and had been doing, I wanted to die.<P>lonelyheart, if you're reading the Harley books, they will really help you to see things through your husband's eyes. What he is doing is based in fantasy -- NOT reality. And, he is trying to turn the tables on you to make you feel bad because he is the one who is doing wrong. I want you to understand that he is in a state of selfishness and irrationality right now. I was so completely irrational and moody when I was cheating on my husband. I could make ANYTHING seem like it was my husband's fault when I was the guilty one. I mean, I was SO good at turning the tables on my husband that I could almost make him feel like world hunger was his fault. The guilt ate at me, so I ate at my husband so that I could "comfort" myself in some strange way. I felt even more guilty when my husband continued to show me love and compassion despite the fact I was acting like a brat (he didn't know about my emotional or physical affair, yet). So, I guess I thought that I would feel better if I made my husband "lose" his love for me. I was so incredibly selfish during the time period that I was unfaithful to my husband (and the time period before I confessed). Selfishness and irrationality can blind a person to the needs of those around him/her. I was so blind, I only cared about myself. <P>Unfortunately, your husband will have to find out all of these things on his own. Your husband will wake-up from this fantasy land one day. And, when he does, it won't be pretty.<P>I hope that what I have said here has not added to your pain. I just feel that it's very important to understand where your husband is probably coming from right now.<P>If you're not already reading Harley's "Surviving an Affair", I highly recommend that book in addition to "His Needs/Her Needs". I think that you will feel like Harley wrote "Surviving An Affair" just for you and your husband.<P>If you have any more questions, please don't hesitate to ask. I'm not an expert, but I really do care about what happens to the people on this forum. I'm not perfect, but I will be honest with you when you ask questions.<P>Hang in there and please let me know how you're doing.<P>Jill

#903740 03/04/01 07:00 PM
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Jill,<P>I am in candid awe of how you now respond to others...<P>Does your H know how much you help people here?...<P>...what hope you give them!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#903741 03/06/01 02:05 PM
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Dear Jill,<P>Well, I went to counseling yesterday.......alone. He came home to keep the children so I could go to MY appointment. Oh well, I tried not to act like it bothered me and went on alone. The counselor suggested that I first try to meet my H's top 5 Emotionl Needs to see if we can make some progress there and get things going in the right direction and then hopefully we can both get into counseling as a couple. He also stated that this just a fantasy and if the real world becomes more inviting it will probably end soon. Is any of this in line with what Dr. Harley teaches and is it similar in any way to Plan A or part of Plan A? The counselor likes what Dr. Harley has to say and his principles in His Needs/ Her Needs.......which I was very glad to hear. It is so hard to sit and wait for my H to get through talking to the OW so we can have time together, but he is trying. He's still hurting that I actually had the nerve to ask him to give her up, but at least he is making an effort to work things out........except that she's still in the picture. Pray for patience and that God will hold my tongue and give me peace........He has a tough job.....hahah [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Thanks for all you help and for listening! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Hope all is well with you. Talk to you later.<P>lonelyheart [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903742 03/06/01 07:17 PM
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lonelyheart,<P>I'm glad to hear that you went to counseling! That's a great start!<P>Yes, what your counselor had to say as far as meeting emotional needs and your husband being in a "fantasy" is right in tune with Harley's books.<P>I hope that soon your husband will be able to end all contact with the other woman. WARNING: THE WITHDRAWAL PERIOD IS MISERABLE. I hope that your husband will make the choice to go to counseling alone AND with you.<P>It sounds like things are going okay.<P>Hang in there...great to hear from you! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jill<P>

#903743 03/06/01 11:14 PM
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Jill,<P>Yes, things are going o.k. and have even somewhat stabilized for the moment. It is so hard though to be at home or even at work knowing that he is talking to her for 2& 3 hours at a time and then we spend a few minutes together at best. It hurts so bad and I just want to scream!!!!!@#$%^&*( But I've been trying to do as the counselor says and ignore it and let roll off my back.....easier said that done [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. We have had a fairly peaceful few days though and have managed to talk without fighting even though there are so tense moments. If withdrawal is anything like the last few days/weeks have been we all may have to be on tranquilizers just to get through it. I still can't eat very well and don't really feel like sleeping.....to tense. Am going to try to get some meds to calm me down some so I can function. And yes, I too hope my H will make the choice to go to the counselor for himself as well as with me. He is under a tremendous amount of stress from this as well as a lot of other things that are really compounding the problem for both of us. I started reading Love Busters today after finishing His Needs/ Her Needs and will try to pick up Surviving an Affair tomorrow if I don't have to work too late. Will keep you posted on our progress, etc. It has helped so much to talk to you......I look forward to our correspondence. Take care......<P>lonelyheart [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903744 03/10/01 03:21 PM
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Hi Jill,<P> Well, things are up and down. Sometimes I think we've made progress and then it seems we've slipped back several steps. Yesterday, 3/9, my H arranged to meet with his friend. At first he was going to go and just leave me an e-mail where he was and when he'd be home, but he had to make arrangements for the children to be taken care of and wound up telling me what he was doing. I replied that I was not comfortable with this and would rather he not go.......he went anyway returning smelling strongly of her cologne on his shirt and jacket and neck. Of course I slipped back several steps at this point and the old green monster of jealousy really took hold. Things have been tense, to say the least, today and the rest of last evening. My counselor wants me to try to meet his emotional needs, but i don't know how long I can keep getting squashed and devastated by these blows. I got very desperate today and thankfully my sister-in-law was there for me or I might have done something really foolish which would have impaired my ability to take care of the children since H had to go to work as soon as I got home from my job. How can I get through this? I feel like I am falling apart. I got some anti-depressants this week and something to relax me, but I'm still tied in knots and can't eat or hardly take care of what needs to be taken care of. See the counselor again on Mon., but will only be able to go every 2-3 weeks due to finances. He is making me feel so guilty for not accepting their relationship. Almost like he blames me for the problems and the way she feels badly for coming between us. Well, that was her choice. He is putting her and her feelings and needs way ahead of mine......it's almost like they don't exist. Thanks for listening........have a good day. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

#903745 03/11/01 02:31 PM
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lonelyheart,<P>Thanks for the update. I've been wondering how you are doing.<P>I know that it's difficult to be at home while your husband is out and about with his "friend". I can't imagine what it would be like to have my husband come home smelling of some other woman's perfume. I'm thankful that my husband never had to experience me coming home smelling like the other man (as I've told you before, my relationship was an EA that ended in a PA over one weekend -- my OM does not even live in this state, THANK GOD).<P>I know that it's difficult to have to be the one reaching out to start the process of saving your marriage when you are the one who is being treated so cruelly. <P>Please remember that you need to be taken care of in all of this, too. I wish that my husband had gone to counseling more often after I confessed my unfaithfulness to him. I'm glad that you are seeking counseling and coming here. There are so many people here that have great experience and advice. I hope that the anti-depressants help you to function better.<P>My prayer is that your husband's eyes will be opened to the pain that he is causing you.<P>Jill

#903746 03/12/01 01:42 PM
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Hi Jill,<BR>I think the anti-depressants are beginning to help.....had to get into my system, I guess. The meds to sleep are definitely helping but the minute I wake up, it all comes rushing back at me. Hard to get up and get going some days. Yes, the "doormat" role is becoming very difficult.....had a few bad moments this past weekend when I didn't think I could manage to keep going. Because of you and this site and the help of some others in my support system, I made it through. Am praying my H will see how this is hurting me and how he has issues he needs to deal with as well and seek counseling with me and alone also. Patience has never been my strong suit so the waiting and the constant being on guard and trying not to make mistakes to set him off are very difficult for me. I see the counselor again today and am taking the top 5 Emotional Needs list my H made for me last night. He asked me to make for based on what I felt like his needs were and I listed the same things except for one......I think he was surprised. Anyway, am finishing the book "Love Busters" and have ordered "Surviving and Affair". Just hope we can build the trust and faith in each other so the love bank can re-fill for both of us. He told me he wasn't sure he had what it took right now to re-build our relationship even though he still loves me. Hope all is well with you. Thanks again for listening and responding. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903747 03/14/01 06:33 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 38
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Hi Jill,<P>Well, I've still been practicing Plan A and trying to meet my H's top 5 needs, one of which is openness and honesty. I had to confess and untruth last night and that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because I knew he was going to be very angry(sorry to make a judgement)which he was. It concerned the e-mails in question between he and his friend. He had asked for them back and I told him they were gone......just lied about where they had gone. I am afraid of his anger and rejection......not physically afraid.......just can't respond to him when he gets so mad. Anyway, things are not good and he says I have all the leverage and ammo to take the kids from him which I was professionally told to keep the e-mails to protect the kids and me from him getting a lawyer to have me declared unfit/incompetent and take them himself. The e-mails are completely out of my reach secured in another state. He is worried that I will tell his friend's H about everything and that he will take their child and disappear. Is this part of the withdrawal because it sure is getting ugly. Came home to nasty, sarcastic e-mails from my H concerning property lists, etc. since we may not be able to work things out........these were his words....not mine. I've always said I want to work things out and am believing for healing and restoration and that I am trying to meet the needs he listed......one of which was Honesty and Openness. Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated. Am hanging in there but it's tough to be the one giving and not get angry and retaliate. HOpe all is well with you and I do so appreciate your time and responses.....you're a true blessing. Talk to you soon and will keep you posted. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903748 03/15/01 01:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2000
Posts: 246
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lonelyheart,<P>Wow. It really took courage for you to tell your husband about where the copies of the e-mails really are located. It sounds like he has quite a temper.<P>I guess I'm not real clear on one thing...<P>Has your husband stopped ALL contact with the other woman? ALL contact means e-mails, phone calls, personal visits, etc. Technically, until NO contact happens, the "withdrawal" period cannot start.<P>The defensiveness and bouts of anger towards you that your husband is experiencing sound typical of what I experienced while I was actually cheating. The harder my husband tried to be kind to me, the more hateful I became towards him. Once I cut-off all contact with the OM and actually entered the withdrawal phase of ending that relationship, I was still extremely moody...not unlike a hungry, cranky child. During this time period, I still tried to make my husband feel like dirt. I wanted him to leave me so that I wouldn't have to feel guilty about cheating.<P>GUILT sure does strange things to people...<P>Hang in there. Did you tell me that you had ordered the book "Surviving An Affair"? For me, that was the BEST book. I bought it for my husband right after I confessed. He said that it helped him VERY much. I think that the book will really help you to see things through your husband's eyes. It will help you to see that your situation is not (unfortunately) unique.<P>Thanks for keeping me posted.<P>I've told you before that I'm definitely not an expert. But, I'm glad to help you in any small way that I can...<P>Jill

#903749 03/15/01 03:35 PM
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LonleyHeart<P>I, too, confessed to reading the emails from OW and a couple from him to her. (Must have been over 100 pages!)<BR>I repeated some of the things that she said in order to show him what a profound influence she was having on his thought process ... but the utter hurt and devestation of having her talk about MY H as her soulmate and about her unconditional love, their future she had planned for them, and of holding and touching (etc.) him was more than I could bear. Of course, I broke down in a torment of emotional pain. He seemed to understand and told me it must have been torture. Still refers to the emails in conversations.<P>Sometimes I wished I had never read them. If I hadn't I may have not insited he leave. He didn't want to. <P>Advice?: Understand yourself, and stop focusing on the A.<P>Posting "Acting as if"...a work in progress.<P>I'm relearning the concept but it has helped me in the past. And except for the conscious effort to focus on the A and OW at times, I find myself more confident.<P>God bless all of you and your perseverence.<P><BR>

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