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#903750 03/15/01 07:15 PM
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Jill,<P>Thanks for the response. NO, they have not stopped contact.....still e-mail daily, talk on the phone almost daily, and chat on-line daily.....sometimes for2-3 hours at a time. I knew it was too good to be true that he be withdrawing this soon.......but you can always hope [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] He sent me some nasty messages about dividing up our property with some snide little remarks thrown in. Guess this is the guilt and my kindness and caring are making him feel worse so he takes it out on me. Sound right? I got my copy of "Surviving an Affair' today and have started to read it. Sometimes I'm a little confused about actually calling what he is doing an affair.....I guess it really is since there is definitely an emotional attachment. I'm trying to be patient, but it gets hard sometimes. Well, better go. Talk to ;you later. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR>

#903751 03/16/01 03:10 PM
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Dear Jill,<P>Well, it's been a rough day. H really blasted me last night about the e-mails. Said I'm using the kids against him and that I've lied to him about everything.....that he can no longer trust me or believe me. The couselor said for me to ask H to plan an activity for just the 2 of us and I would my sitting arrangements so we could be alone.....recreational companionship one of H needs. Well, he wants to get together with the OW and her spouse for dinner this weekend. The counselor also said not to deny him the friendship at this time as it will probably drive him farther away. H says this has already happened; that it's my fault they are so close because I wouldn't accept the realtionship in the firs place and I drove him to spending so much time with her. I feel so lost and alone and like my whole world just crashed around me. H says he doesn't think he has anything left to try to put us back together with and I am even more devastated than before. Back to wanting to cry all the time. H sent me a really sweet e-mail yesterday and when I thanked him for it, he said it was just for nostalgia that I wouldn't be getting any more messages from him at all. And so far today, there have been none. I know I shouldn't expect any thing, but I keep hoping. It's so hard to look at him and see hate in his eyes and hear the coldness in his voice. He totally blames me for everything. And I am struggling not to feel guilty nad give in and get the e-mails and just burn the darn things. Maybe if I had in the first place.....none ot this would have happened and i would still have some love and affection and a H. Well, got to go attempt to get some work done before he gets home because I plan on leaving the house and being gone most of the evening......I can't take another night like last night with all the anger and accusations. Have a good day.....talk to you later [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903752 03/17/01 03:40 AM
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Jill,<P>I'm searching for ideas about how to lift the fog that is hovering over my w. She is in complete denial mode about the impact and affect of her on-line and phone R with an ex-boyfriend. She hasn't seen for 15 years (they dated during high school) and has been in contact now for over 3 months. I sent the attached story from another website from our home e-mail and she read it from our sent items. She forwarded it to me at work w/ a note that said "So you think this is what my relationship with XXXX is about. Why can't you get over that? I never thought you would stoop so low" I know this describes her situation to a "T". But, nothing I seem to do will get her to admit it. I broke into her e-mail and I'm trying to get her to stop the relationship on her own without rubbing her nose in what I found. I'm afraid that confronting her (esp. w/ how I found out) will only drive her to more lies and closer to him.<P>I get many different opinions about the decision to use what I've learned or not. Many say if it's the only way to stop them I have no other choice; but, even my counselor says he doesn't see any value in confronting her.<P>Any ideas????<P>jaboom <P>============================================================<BR>ONLINE AFFAIRS<BR>This new arena for affairs, although not initially involving physical contact, is highly-charged sexually. It involves the same kinds of thinking and emotions as other affairs—including the secrecy, fantasy and excitement, as well as the denial and rationalization—and it has the same potential for being devastating to the primary relationship. <BR> <BR>Here's a typical scenario: <BR> <BR>1. You spend more and more time Online.<BR> Online interactions provide an "escape" from the realities of day-to-day living. <BR> The fantasy world online can make the real world seem dull and boring.<BR> The sheer numbers of people create unlimited potential for "newness."<BR> <BR>2. You meet someone interesting Online.<BR> You present the "best side" of your personality, and so do they.<BR> You share confidences: hopes, fears, fantasies.<BR> The intense sharing brings you closer and closer together.<BR> You fantasize about being more than online friends.<BR> You become infatuated with your "friend" and want more and more interaction.<BR> You feel like you're "in love."<BR> <BR>3. Your primary partner suspects/knows about your online friend.<BR> You deny or rationalize about your online activity.<BR> Your partner becomes more and more suspicious and threatened.<BR> You ignore or deny the impact this is having on your partner.<BR> Your partner learns more and is devastated by the situation.<BR> You tell yourself that since there's no actual sex involved, it shouldn't matter.<BR> You grow closer to your online friend and more distant from your partner.<BR> <BR>4. You want to meet your online friend in person.<BR> You feel like "soul-mates" or that you were "meant for each other."<BR> You consider "risking it all" to see your online friend.<BR> You either meet and engage in sex or you don't and feel like "star-crossed lovers."<BR> <P>5. Your life has been changed in ways you never intended.<BR> Your online relationship ends-and your "real" one may end as well.<BR>===========================================================<BR>

#903753 03/18/01 06:54 PM
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lonelyheart,<P>It sounds like things are pretty rough for you right now. It scares me and bothers me that your husband would expect you to go on a double-date with the OW and her husband. The emotional pain that you will experience from that encounter makes my stomach hurt when I think about it. <BR>What type of counselor are you having sessions with? Is he/she a Christian counselor? Marriage and family? <P>I understand that if you push your husband that it might make things more uncomfortable. But, I don't think that you should have to subject yourself to agony (having dinner with OW and her spouse and your spouse) to soothe your husband. What does your husband hope to gain or prove by putting you in that situation? <P>And, once again, your husband is blaming you for his poor choices. He is the one who started spending time with a woman who is not his wife. His behavior is typical -- he wants you to feel like the "bad guy" in this scenario because somewhere deep in his heart, he knows he's WRONG.<P>I'm starting to feel very helpless when I read your posts and see what you are going through. Sometimes I just don't know what to say to help you. It's moments like these that I wish that I had a degree in counseling!<P>Stay strong. Don't let your husband make you feel worthless and like this is all your fault because it's not all your fault...<P>Just know that I do care about your situation even when I have no clue what to say to make things better for you.<P>Jill<P><BR>

#903754 03/19/01 02:03 PM
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Dear Jill,<P>Don't ever think that you aren't helping......you are just by your encouragement and explanations of how these things progress. It is all straight down the line with what is happening. And yes, it is getting very difficult these days. He is still so angry with me that we don't talk very much and most of his time when not at work or being with the children,(which is very little), he's on the internet talking with OW or playing on-line games. YOu'll be glad to know the double date fell through because of something to do with her H. Don't know what it was, but it was very upsetting for my H because he was extremely disappointed and then spent the rest of the day/evening ignoring/blaming me for the cancellation. I would say either the other H was treating OW in a disrespectful manner or he found out more about the relationship than he has known so far. My H and OW chatted until 1:30a.m. this morning........I went in to go to sleep on the couch since I have to be at work at 6 and the computer is in our room.......I needed the rest. I also talked to the Harley's on their radio show this afternoon.......said to keep the e-mails and to keep working Plan A, but that it sounded like a Plan B was in our future. That scares me, but I sort of feel the same way because at this point, with his anger, I don't feel like he is receiving any love units in the bank and we are at a stand still. Plan B is a huge step and I will have to think that one through very long and very hard because of what it will do to the children and his parents,(who know nothing except that "something" is wrong), in particular, and my mother will be upset as well, but has dealt with a lot of very difficult situations before and is very strong. See the counselor again on Fri. afternoon and it doesn't look like I'll have a very positive report except that so far I've been able to avoid the love busters.......but it is tough........especially when he treats me the way he did last night.........gave me the attitude that the cancellation was my fault. I wanted to scream and hit things. Anyway, thanks for listening......you're a big support and it's good to be able to come here and vent. Take care.........lonelyheart

#903755 03/19/01 05:25 PM
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lonelyheart,<P>I'm so glad that the double-date was cancelled. I'm glad that the anti-depressants are starting to help. It's so important that you are able to function during this time.<P>You mentioned that you are afraid of the possibility of having to go into Plan B. Let me encourage you NOT to be afraid. When I had gone to pastoral counseling the day that I would confess (I confessed that very night), I cried and kept telling the counselor that I didn't want to confess because I was afraid of what would happen to my husband, to my extended family and to me. I told him that I was afraid that my husband would ask me to leave and that I wouldn't have any place to go. I told the pastor that I was afraid that my husband would be wounded beyond healing. I told the counselor that I was afraid that things would never be the same. Yet, I wanted so much to do the right thing. Deep down, I knew that things COULDN'T remain the same. This wonderful pastor looked me in the eyes and said, "You must always trust God regardless of what you are afraid the outcome might be..."<P>Those were some of the most powerful words anyone had ever spoken to me. I go on my knees right there in his office and he and his wife prayed for me. I went home and cried and prayed some more. When my husband walked in the door, I grabbed him by the hands, took him into the living room and sat at his feet. I can honestly say that I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I took a deep breath, and aside from when I asked Christ into my heart long ago, I hadn't ever trusted Him that much again until the moment of my confession...<P>My life has never been the same since I confessed to my husband that I was unfaithful to him. That was October 13, 2000. I'm glad that I took a deep breath and trusted Him. My marriage is beginning to heal and I'm so thankful.<P>You WILL be okay. Your children WILL be okay. Your husband WILL open his eyes and heart one day.<P>Jill<P>

#903756 03/20/01 04:56 PM
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Dear Jill,<P>Well, last night and today were 2 of the worst times in my life. We got into a discussion again last night and it did not go well. He wound up making me feel very guilty again, as usual, because I let him, as usual and he stormed out saying I better keep the e-mails because I would probably have to use them after all. Then this a.,m., he apologized, but still said he feels so cold and dead inside. Feels nothing for me and doesn't know if he can stay or not. I am heart broken but trying to trust God to work out this whole mess. Saw the counselor today because things were so rough, but won't be going back because can't afford it. H has encouraged me to but too much financial strain at this time. Thank you for all your encouragement....it helps me through the day and gives me hope for the future. So glad to hear you marriage is healing and doing well. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <BR>

#903757 03/22/01 12:12 AM
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{{{{{{{{lonelyheart}}}}}}<P>I'm so sorry to read your pain! My H has internet friendships, but nothing to the extent of your H's. Or maybe he does, my H does everything from his work and he hasn't been bold enough to bring it home. I do stop into his work once in a while to check up and I'm about due, but I'm afraid I might find he's still emailing with these women (he says he hasn't done so since Sep. 00).<P>I can tell you are trying to keep your marriage together and that you love your H. My H used to emotionally attack me and it got to the point where I was taking a sleep aid each night so I could just tune him out and not engage with him.<P>Please distance yourself from him emotionally for your own sanity. Plan B does not have to be permanent. Think about it. I would get into verbal battles with my H until I realized he was doing and saying things to crush me emotioanlly. One example: I used to hear the phone being dialed in the middle of the night when my H was involved in email EA. He would hear me getting up and he'd hang up. For the past year I would wake up shaking thinking I heard the phone dialing, but he was still sleeping next to me. He knew I would panic when he'd get up in the middle of the night and go to the living room to watch tv (bcs he couldn't sleep). When we argued he would intentionally grab the cordless phone and go off to another room. For a while I would just go crazy grabbing all the phones out of the phone jacks until I discovered sleeping aids. I used them for about 2 months on a regular basis, but it helped to regain my sanity.<P>You see, once I stopped engaging with him he stopped as well. I stopped putting my energy into saving my marriage and started doing things for me (yeah, I got selfish). I started meeting friends for coffee or visiting my family. I read books I enjoyed (not marriage books) and just lived for myself.<P>You can't force him to come out of the fog, he needs to come out on his own and until that time - pamper and take care of yourself.<P>Good luck!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

#903758 03/26/01 08:45 AM
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Hi Jill,<P>How are things going? I hope and pray for both of you they are much better. Things not much better here. My H says he isn't angry with me(ha, imagine that since HE is in the inappropriate relationship!!) says he just doesn't feel anything. Is unable to comfort me when i'm upset and cannot carry on a conversation without bringing up my past mistakes to justify his feelings. Feel like i'll never stop paying for what i did when i was so depressed several years ago about our finanacial situation and our special needs daughter.......says i was cold and unresponsive and wasn't there for him when he needed me so he's tired of trying. Still spends lots of time on the internet with OW, like last night when we were suppopsed to talk......i finally came to bed at 12:00 and asked if he could get off the comp,(i've been sleeping on floor(my choice) in living room in order to not hear him typing conversation, affection,etc. and spending time with her.) and he wanted to finish the game he was in with her, so i went back to L.R. and he came in shortly to get me up to come to bed. Then i had bad dreams all night and noone slept. Feeling very sad, hopeless, thoughts of wanting to go away to be alone, wishing i could crawl in a hole and die. Don't think he cares at all for me anymore.......love bank on EMPTY and i don't seem to be able to put anything back in. Don't know if i can do this much longer.......hurts so much sometimes i want to die, but have 2 beautiful children to take care of and i can't leave them.......besides......i'm a big chicken.... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] got to go get things for my daughters birthday party at school.......thanks for being there.......have a good day........lonelyheart

#903759 03/26/01 11:47 AM
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Lonelyheart,<P>I can "hear" the desperation in your post and I wish I could help. Is there any way you could get your H to move out or could you go somewhere so you aren't so tortured? You don't deserve the treatment you are getting. I thik you are being too passive and I'm saying this from my heart. Please don't take offense, but I think you need to start sticking up for yourself. Tell him you will not stand for this "friendship" any longer. You say you're too chicken to leave, but I don't think you have any choice. Take your daughters and find peace in your life. <P>I was very passive, like you, just a year ago, but I realized that my being passive was enabling my H to walk all over me. It may have started with your H's betrayel, but what about the betrayel to <B>yourself</B>? You are betrayng yourself for allowing this to happen to you. <P>If you want your marriage then be strong and fight for it!<P>Please don't sit back and watch your H destroy your marriage, your family and your self worth! Take control of yourself and the rest will follow.<P>Are you in counseling? If your H won't go - please go for yourself and for your daughters. <P>May God bless your days and guide your ways!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

#903760 03/27/01 12:56 AM
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lonelyheart,<P>Are you sure that you want to continue sleeping on the floor while your husband types away to another woman with no regard for how it makes you feel? You are risking your physical and emotional health by having to continue to live in this situation with your husband. I know that you are miserable and that your heart is broken. You have to be exhausted. You need to go somewhere with your child until your husband cuts off all contact with the other woman. Do you have some where to go? Or, you need to stay and ask your husband to go some place else until he cuts off all contact with the other woman...that would be my personal choice. I wouldn't have expected my husband to leave and allow me to stay here since I was the one who cheated. If anyone should have had to get out, it would have been me.<P>I'm not saying all of this to offend you or to be "bossy". I'm saying this because your posts don't sound good to me. You need some help, here. You need to stay in counseling so that you can get emotionally stronger (seek out a reputable pastor in your community...they will usually offer free counseling to anyone who needs it). You need to sleep in your own bed without the knowledge that your husband is in the other room communicating with the other woman...you need some rest so that you can be physically stronger and so that you can care for yourself and for your precious special needs child.<P>You are not cold. But, your spouse is right now. Don't let him continue to beat you into the ground. He is the one who is doing wrong right now.<P>You hang in there. This will get better. You will be okay.<P>Let me know how you are...<P>Jill<P>

#903761 03/28/01 12:13 AM
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Lonelyheart,<P>Are you okay today? I'm hoping your silence means you unplugged the computer and threw it out the window to get your H to take you seriously. That's what I would do. <P>My thoughts and prayers are with you!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

#903762 03/28/01 03:48 PM
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Dear Jill and Free2BMe,<P>Thanks for all the care and concern and no I didn't take offense at anything you all said. I needed to hear it all....even if I didn't necessarily want to [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I think I need to clarify a couple of things too: I'm not spending the whole night on the floor in the living room......just while H is on internet with OW.....I know, still doesn't make it right and he has gotten off the comp the past 2 nights when I've gotten home from work and come to bed with me which is unusual. They usually chat until 1 or 2 in the morning if he doesn't have to go in to work early. The other thing is I'm too chicken to do myself bodily harm.....which is where my thoughts were headed the other day. I don't want to leave, no, but if it comes to a separation, I pray for the strength from God because at this point, I don't have it. You all are so encouraging and helpful.....I'm sure it takes a lot of strength to come here and talk about your own problems and situations in order to help others. And I have been trying to stick up for myself more......told him I wanted to get to bed at a reasonable hour and felt it very discourteous of him to keep me up talking to her and it hurts too much for me to stay in the room with him while he talks to her and spends time.....our time.....with her. Don't know if that's why he's gotten off the comp early the past 2 evenings or not, but I'm not arguing about the fact that it's happened! Also, called him on a couple of other occasions where he was rude and a couple of times in front of our children, one of whom is a 9 yr. old boy who is very impressionable and prone to trying himself if dad isn't home to discipline him.......think this gave him pause for thought......something new. Well, today we're in a holding pattern.....not good or bad.....just there. Will keep you posted and again, thanks for all your help and concern and input.....God bless you both.........lonelyheart

#903763 03/29/01 01:13 PM
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Lonelyheart,<P>Thank you for taking the time for an update. Ya know, I was serious about throwing the computer out the window. Your H is so unreasonable and rude. I get upset when my H gets on the computer for any length of time. My H used to get into chat rooms (married and flirting on yahoo). I'm quite sure he still does it, but he does it at work now. If I could I'd go into his office and fry the PC.<P>I know you will find the strength in your own time. I was very much the carpet my H wiped his feet on until I was ready to say enough is enough. You will know when that time comes. Just think of the message your kids are getting out of how your H treats you and how you allow him to treat you. We all have our breaking points and I know you will get there!<P>At least he seems to be a little more concerned about your feelings (getting off the computer when you get home). I think he must see it as wrong now and that he's walking on thin ice.<P>My continued thoughts and prayers for you!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

#903764 04/05/01 06:15 PM
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Hi Jill.....Hi Free2BMe:<P>Hope all is well with both of you. Not a lot has changed here.....still trying to continue with Plan A, but feel Plan B is imminent because my H got very angry with me the other night and things got sort of ugly. He restated the fact that he will not give up talking to, calling, and seeing the OW. He refuses counseling. Is fairly cordial in front of the kids and is actually nice when other people are around, but in private, I get ignored or hear rude/sarcastic comments and he still stays on-line until all hours unless i ask him to stop......sometimes even that doesn't work. Plan B scares me, but what else is there? We have no life or marriage as things are. He doesn't hold or kiss me unless I initiate it and then there's no feeling to it. Says he doesn't feel anything but anger and resentment for me because of the e-mails and the fact that i said i had to protect my children. Thinks i was implying that he's a bad father/man and is trying to pressure me into giving them up to make him feel better and let him off the hook so to speak. There's times I've wanted to but have held off on the advice of Dr. Harley and counselor and friend. Just wanted to touch base. Thanks for all your help. Talk to you soon.<BR>lonelyheart [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

#903765 04/07/01 09:08 AM
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lonelyheart,<P>Just keep in mind that we have to be brave enough to trust God regardless of what we fear the outcome might be...<P>I'm saying that for my own benefit as well as yours...<P>I don't have anything helpful to say today besides, "Hang in there."<P>Thanks so much for continuing to keep me updated on your situation. I often wonder how you are doing.<P>Jill

#903766 04/07/01 10:07 AM
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To Free2BMe :<P>I read where you said that he was probably doing it from work now and that struck a cord with me since my H has been an internet addict for 8 years I can tell you that from my experience that the activity needs to be cut off all together or hidding at work is actually worse... that is where the read damage came from for us... He started going to the Yahoo married and cheating communites and posting that he was looking,,, and was running around during the day instead of being at work (but of course he told me he was in meetings yeah right) he always came home on time and since the last ultimatum that I had given him had been almost a year (the last time I caught him with sex emails from various women) I thought all was fine... well in January I got to thinking about a Yahoo id that I know he had used last year and I asked him about it and the answers didnt sound quite right... so I logged on prayed for the password and it popped into my head,,, YES it really did,,, and I logged in and what I saw broke my heart... I thought since he wasnt doing it at home I thought the addiction was over,, was I EVER wrong... I had told him last year that after 8 years of this mess that if I ever caught him again he would not know that I knew until he saw that sherrif in his office to serve him... so on Dday I went home thought about it didnt say anything to him and I filed the next day,,, it took 10 days for them to serve him and I never said a word but I checked the emails and printer over 60 very very damaging emails... to be used in court... <BR>guess what I am saying just cause they are doing at work doesnt mean that it is not bad,, sometimes it is worse...<BR>Hang in there and I just had to let you know.<BR>C1

#903767 04/09/01 10:14 AM
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Lonelyheart,<P>I'm so sorry things aren't getting any better. Plan B is scary, but think about how you're living your life now - it sounds like pure hell at the hands of the one person you thought would protect you.<P>I know it's easy for me to say - I'm not in your position!<P>I think of you often and I pray for your happiness and sanity!<P>CONCERNED1,<P>Thank you for thinking of me and posting. I don't know what I can do to check up on him at work. We had both agreed last May to get internet access off our computers at work. I agreed so I could show him my support. Well, I stopped in a couple times and he still had it and I had mine taken off no problem. He always had an excuse that they hooked him up periodically when he needed it for work. I was finally fed up in September when he disappeared for 2 days and I had it put back on my work computer - after all, it's not me abusing it.<P>How can I check up on him? His systems administrator is big into pornography and forwards him stuff so he looks past anything my H does.<P>Wow, my H got on those same Yahoo sites. I cringe whenever I see a Yahoo commercial knowing marriages are being destroyed.<P>I look forward to any information you can provide.<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR><B><I>RECOVER * REFOCUS * REGENERATE ~ BREATHE * RELAX</I></B><P>By Eleanor Roosevelt ~~<BR><UL TYPE=SQUARE><BR><LI>"People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built." <P><LI>"No one takes advantage of you without your permission."<BR></UL>

#903768 04/09/01 10:40 AM
Joined: Jan 2001
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Hi,<P>I have read some of your postings and find that I have been there also. The stages you are in sound like the beginning. My H (WS) went on the internet and prowled. Met a few women and finally met one that his is currently in a EA/PA affair with. <P>The anger he carried, helped him (by giving him the excuse) that he needed to leave his family. He actually said he was trying to make me angry enough to kick him out so that he could tell OW 'see my wife does not love me.' Well, that plan went wacko. I told H that I did love him and wanted to get him help. Being a at this point semi-honest man, he could not tell OW that I kicked him out. So they went to their next plan. Make my life miserable. <P>I countered by being nice and checking up on OW. Then I planted seeds of doubt in H's mind about OWs loyalty. That held things for a while. Well, the A took a strong turn and 1 month after d/d H moved out. <P>Things are not going well in psycoville. H and OW have (without my help) broke up at least 7 times within the past 3 months. Great!!! Now H is out there and wants to talk about coming home. <P>See where this is going? I decided that I would not let H & OW use me as a doormat any longer. I would not be 2nd choice. That thinking process took a while but thanks to some people here who would not give up on me (I tend to be a bit stubborn), I was able to turn around and actually put myself and child 1st in our lives. Now the onis is on H to prove he can come back and show what value he can bring to his family to make us want him back. Plan B. Acceptance stage. This takes a great weight off my shoulders. I come to this site daily but now I have a purpose in life and a clearer mind. <P>I prayed that I would have a clear mind and calm heart through this entire ordeal. For the most part I did, only when I let my emotions get too much in the way, did I get a bit cloudy. We all know what fog does to the Ws's so I was determined not to let anything cloud up my mind. That took effort, that took time for me to concentrate on my son and I. That also took time away from worrying about what H was doing since he no longer lived with me. I told H, I only have the time and energy to worry about those who live in my house. Since he no longer lived here, then I could not worry about him as much (I did not give him the satisfaction that I did worry about him at all). <P>So ladies, sometimes, to help them heal, you gotta let them go a little, watch and be there for them when they fall. That is the hard part of this game/fog A. thing. <P>My 2 cents for whatever it is worth. <BR>L.<BR> <p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited April 09, 2001).]

#903769 04/09/01 11:00 PM
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Free2Bee:<P>Well I thought about the reply I would give you and I can say that you have done some of the things I tried which is to get access too and play the game along with him... it made us more distant,,, I tried every angle for 8 years including at times when I busted him to write to some of these ladies and tell them off... several years ago I even found out their phone numbers and called their Hs',,, this turned out to be one big GAME for my H since he and I were so bullheaded that he said that what he was doing wasnt wrong and I would say it was,,, after years of this I finally gave up and settled down to getting my EN met elsewhere and only required him not to do this from the house... it hurts to think about how I was willing to let him keep on playing hoping he would eventually come around,,, I was a good wife and thought I was doing everything right,,, but internet use is an addiction and he had to hit rock bottom to see the devastation for himself...meanwhile I was making things worse too :-( rock bottom was when I filed and put his stuff outside the house and then the game was over for me...<BR>Dont play games with him and think about a Plan B of sorts,, let him know that he is still using the internet and that is LB since you are working on trusting him and you can not when he is not living up to his end of the bargain.... <BR>I agree with the Plan A stuff and I did for years and sometimes you just have to jump into plan B when you feel you have had enough and they are getting away with too much... you can only be a doormat for so long without hurting your self esteem... it hurt mine and I went to get it validated elsewhere which only caused me more problems... what a darn mess... it is over for us... since we have hit rock bottom and we now see how much we do care and want our marriage to work... <BR>Hang in there and let me know how else I can help.<BR>C1<BR>

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