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Joined: Mar 2001
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jcook Offline OP
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I would greatly appreciate it if you would let me know how long you were married before the A, and how long since if you're recovering. Also, is your marriage better/stronger than before? This will mean a lot to me. <P>Thanks.

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Jcook - I am a former WS. My H am I have been married 4 1/2 years, the affair occurred right after our third anniversary and last for about 6 months. We have been in recovery for almost a year (a year in April) - and I can say, our marriage is not perfect - but I love my H more today than on the day I married him. We not only survived infidelity, but our marriage is thriving - and we both are committed to keeping it that way.

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A started after 9.5 year of marriage. Separated immediately where he lived with Ow partly for 11 months. This is 18 month after DD. Marriage is better than before. More laughther, more tenderness and passion and more communication.

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We were married 9 years before my wife's affair (of about a year). We've been in recovery about 2.5 years now. Our marriage isn't perfect either, but it's much better AND stronger than before.

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My H & I were together for a total of 8 years...married for 6 years prior to his 7-week affair.<P>We have been in fairly good recovery for 25 months.<P>Our relationship was better before the chaos. However, there are improvements, such as communication and recovery from alcohol addiction.<P>We also have a stronger sense of commitment & family values. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited March 22, 2001).]

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H and I lived together for 2 years before we were married. We had only been married a year and a half when he had the A (which lasted 6 months). The six months before the A were very stressful, his job was extremely taxing, we sold a house, built a new one, I had a miscarriage and so on and so one. We just passed the 2 year anniversary of the A being over and things have been really good. I still have my bad days but overall we have much better communication and a stronger relationship than ever before.

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I was married for about 7 years when I cheated on my husband. The affair (EA and PA combined) lasted about 6 months (more EA than PA). I ended the online EA myself. I kept everything a secret for 1 year and 7 months before I confessed. I confessed on October 13, 2000. So, my marriage has survived for five months since confession.<P>In some ways the marriage is better because there are no more lies. In some ways the marriage is better because we get to rebuild and make the relationship what it should've been in the first place.<P>In some ways it's worse because of all of the pain that there is to work through.<P>No, I wouldn't change a thing except for my choice to have an affair to begin with. I'm glad that I confessed because I think that my husband and I will have a stronger relationship in the future. I mean, if a marriage can survive what we've been through, everything else that normally would've caused conflict doesn't seem like very much to worry about.<P>Hope this helps.<P>Jill

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HI jcook,<P> I think I'm an oldtimer....married 21yrs. when I found out and it had been going on for about 2yrs.....now in recovery about 2yrs.<P>Better than before? You know , I don't think so...I honestly felt we had a good marriage (stupid me!). My H is so much nicer and kinder now(than during the A) but I don't really feel the same....I'm not sure if it's because of the broken trust or the the fact he won't do counseling? I think I have a wall up......LU

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Married 15 years when his A started. Have been in recovery 19 months now. "In love" now...yes, both of us, but we know that these feelings aren't what matters. Our commitment to work together is. We have a stronger marriage than ever today, and he wants to grow old together and have side by side rocking chairs!<P>But, this recovery is the hardest thing we've ever done, and we wouldn't have made it without a great therapist for 1 year and MB principles.<P>lizzie

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We were married 31 years when he had the affair. It ended 18 months ago and so did the marriage. Legally we are still married and we live (co-exist) together, but it has become a business arrangement. He uses me for wifely "stuff" and I use him as an ATM machine. Pretty sad. I am amazed that marriages become better after an affair, but maybe they weren't good before the affair so they could only get better. Dumb me, I though my marriage was good! S.

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I'really the old timer here. We have been married 33yrs. Raised 3 wonderful kids and looked as though we had a good marriage although there wasn't the emotional connection I would have wanted. I had strong suspicions of an A but when I questioned anything I was told more or less that I was just a paronoid wife. Last Sept. I was told of a 15 year affair. My h said he finally woke up to the fact that he couldn't and didn't want to live his life that way anymore.<BR>He said the affair with a co-worker was stricly sexual when they were gone on business(?) trips. He says he never loved her or planned to leave his family. <BR>We are in counseling both as a couple and individual. The pain is terrible and I wonder if the trust will ever come back. I can honestly say I see an enourmous difference in him and without all that guilt and the tension of living two lives he is much more pleasant to live with. Maybe,I'm being foolish to think we can make it after such a deception but We are trying and hope to set a better example for our grandchildren than we did for our children. Right now things are going well. But there are also really bad days too. I hope it doesn't take 15 years for this rollercoaster to even out.

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jcook<BR>My husband and I were married for 19 years when he had his affair. It lasted about 3 months and ended at the revelation. We have been "in recovery" now for 3 years. I put in recovery in quotes, because I believe we are healed now. It took the better part of that three years to happen completely however.<P>Our marriage is wonderful. We are very happy and content...we have passion, excitement, trust, honesty, great communication, disagreements, frustrations, hope for the future, and all the things that are part of a normal, healthy marriage. I would definitely say our marriage is better now that it was at the time of the affair, but it wasn't horrible even then. We had both made mistakes and gotten into bad habits and I was slightly depressed and hiding that from my husband and even myself to some degree. We had a good marriage with a solid foundation and strong commitment to each other and our vows. No, that didn't stop my husband from having an affair....but it is definitely a huge part of what caused him so much grief while he was having the affair and enabled us to restore and improve our marriage afterwards. So, summertime, the thought that the marriages that are better now were bad before the affair isn't accurate. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Hear me clearly, our marriage isn't better <I>because</I> of the affair. Our marriage is better because we both trusted God and gave control over to Him. We sought Him in our healing and let Him guide us. We both did some very hard work and went through a lot of pain to reach this point. I absolutely believe we could have done this without an affair happening.....it was just the crisis that blew the doors off of all we had been hiding from each other and thrust us into the position where we had to get it together or fall apart. I will never be grateful for the sin that came into our lives, but I will always be grateful for the way God moved and revealed Himself to us and healed us and our marriage.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

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Married 11 years when he began affair that lasted about 10 weeks till she got caught by her H. He then left to be with her and that lasted three months, back together now two years exactly today. <P>Better yes, but not because of the affair, because of the realization that we need to work on things and we want this marriage to work.<P>

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Married 27 years, 3 kids, ditto, not the emotional connection I would have liked but a good marriage,for me, all things considered. His EA began online for about 3 months and went physical for 3 weeks. DDay was Aug 20 and contact,online and by phone, continued about another 3months. In secret. So, recovery has been 4 months.<BR> <BR>Our marriage is just now really beginning to get better and back to who we were always supposed to be. We will recover,better and stronger. I am just so sad(understatement) that it took this for us to seek the marriage two people who love each other as much as we do should have always had. <p>[This message has been edited by Wounded2673 (edited March 22, 2001).]

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We have been married 32 years and have been rebuilding our marriage since the discovery of his affair three years ago. His "secret friendship" with the OW began at about our 19th year of marriage and lasted almost 10 yrs before I discovered it. Our marriage is much better now, NOT because of the affair but inspite of it. We have a renewed appreciation of each other now and realize what we almost lost.

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HG, a quick question. Did your husgand think the marriage was good before his affair?<P>I think the reason I don't want to stay in my marriage is because he thought the marriage was fine and loved me and had an affair. So what is the point of marriage for him? It doesn't compute in my mind. Perhaps when the WS is looking for something more that the marriage can provide the marriage becomes better. I can't provide more for my husband than I did before the affair. You obviously could and are. I felt I was the best wife I could be and he still had an affair.<P>I keep reading that affairs are illogical, you can't make sense out of nonsense, etc., but I am VERY logical and sensible and don't buy it. Unfortunately, for me, I will not move forward in the recovery process (even alone) because this is so bewildering to me.<P>My thereapist says forget the two year mark--for some of us it takes longer which I hope will be of some help to others on this board. I'm at 18 months and it still feels like yesterday. S.<P>

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We both freely admit that for about a year prior to and during the affair our marriage was not all it could have been. But that doesn't mean it was a really bad marriage. I was slightly depressed and didn't share it with anyone...I also thought I didn't love my husband any more and was terrified by those feelings. He had been in and out of a slight depression for a while too. Neither of us was bad enough to need medication...in fact since we were both in our early 40's I would classify it as a type of mid-life crisis. We had let the day-to-day grind and responsibilities take the fun out of <I>us</I> as individuals and that had a detrimental effect on our marriage. <P>The affair happened because my husband was unhappy....more in himself than in our marriage. He assured me that he never stopped loving me or wanted to leave me and that the ow knew this....she did confirm that, but I also know she was hoping our marriage would fall apart and he would turn to her. She was twice divorced and looking for husband #3 and she targeted mine...she also admitted that she bears more responsibility for the affair that he did. Bottom line is that we had a good marriage....but there were problems in both of us that affected the marriage in a negative way.<P>I do believe that some men, because of their shallow and selfish nature, will not be faithful in marriage. I believe we all have the capability to be faithful, but some people are so immature that they choose not to be. I don't blame you for your reluctance to remain married to your husband if this is the case. But I also believe in the power of prayer and God's desire to work a miracle and so encourage you to move carefully. If you do have a relationship with God I encourage you to seek His guidance and will as you make long term decisions about your marriage. The Bible says that divorce is not God's plan, but that in the case of an unfaithful spouse <I>who refuses to change their ways</I> it is acceptable. I believe the intent is for the wounded spouse to seek all avenues of healing before choosing divorce, however.<P>I'm very logical as well....and it took much prayer and self-examination before I could accept that I would never make sense of such a stupid choice. My husband loved me and never wanted to leave me, yet he had an affair...that can't make sense no matter what. He wasn't looking for something I couldn't provide him, he was just looking to feel better and this woman detected his vulnerability and and acted on it. What does make sense is that had we turned to each other and shared openly how we were feeling, we could have reached this point in our marriage in a much less painful way. But if I dwell on that and let the "what ifs" and "if onlys" control me, I will never be happy and I want more than anything to be happy. I <I>choose</I> to accept that the past is the past and can't be changed. I <I>choose</I> to forgive and be happy. My husband has chosen those things as well, which may be the difference in my case and yours.<P>Your therapist is correct about the pace of healing...it does take longer for some than for others. In my case, it did happen pretty quickly, but I believe that is about God, not me. I encourage you to continue therapy....choose happiness and let the therpist help you.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited March 23, 2001).]

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HG, no my husband is very remorseful, but I'm too hard hearted to accept it. Plus the trust is gone. Two years ago I could have said, "MY husband would never do......." I cannot say that now. That is extremely hard for me. Some people could never have said that and they could accept that. Now there is NOTHING I can say he wouldn't do because I truly don't know. Because I had so much trust in this man, I feel very destroyed. We've been together since we are 15 and 16 so the fact that I NEVER knew him has been devastating. Not only did he do what he did, but I didn't know the man I counted on. Shame on me.<P>Also what does it say about our husbands that they couldn't come to us if they were unhappy with themselves, which I think is the same case with my husband. I asked before but never got a response, why should we want to stay with weak men?<P>And the last question, which I understand you may not be able to answer is "What if God wasn't in your life?" Where would your marriage be now. Thanks, I hope I'm not prying too much. S.

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my H (WS) and I had been together a little over 10 years, married for 2. The A started innocently soon after we were married. The PA lasted for 3 months, but they talked online both before and after the PA (about a year before the PA, and about 8 months after the PA). So basically, it lasted the entire span of our marriage. Great start, huh?<P>We've been in recovery for almost 9 months now, and it's still very hard, at least for myself. I don't want to speak for my H, but I think it's been really hard on him, too. He's been feeling very remorseful and guilty, but he's also been great at being there for me, supporting me and comforting me, for which I am eternally grateful for.<P>Our marriage, ironically is so much better now. We talk, we spend time together, he calls or I call him a couple times a day to say I love you. He helps out more around the house, we cuddle, he's more expressive with his feelings and I'm starting to get better at expressing mine. All of this was non-existant for a few years leading up to the A. I just wish that there could have been an easier way to get the same effect without the pain of an A, but sometimes you don't get what you want in life.<P>summertime: <BR>you said,<BR>"Two years ago I could have said, "MY husband would never do......." I cannot say that now. That is extremely<BR>hard for me. Some people could never have said that and they could accept that. Now there is NOTHING I can say he wouldn't do because I truly don't know. Because I had so much trust in this man, I feel very destroyed. We've been together since we are 15 and 16 so the fact that I NEVER knew him has been devastating. Not only did he do what he did, but I didn't know the man I counted on. Shame on me."<P>you have no idea how many times I come back to that statement. Whenever I have doubts- and I have had doubts about us, let me tell you!- I find that I lean on that old saying "My H could never hurt me like that". I even said that to him once after confronting him and facing yet another denial. I was not too convinced, but I said that to him and to myself to convince me that everything was ok. I can't use that line anymore, because he can and did hurt me like that. And yes, there is no comfort in that truth.<P>I've know my H for over half my life- we were high school sweethearts. It kills me that I never knew him. I don't trust him, and I expect that trust is not going to return- I have been too hurt by people in the past and now by my H that I will never truly believe what anyone says and does anymore. The sad thing is is that my H knew about my past trust issues and he still chose to abuse my trust in him. I used to think my H was special, now he's just another person in my life who has let me down horribly.<P>Sorry for going on like this, it's just when I read your post I was shocked at how similar our thoughts were and I wanted to let you know that you are not alone with your thoughts and feelings, that I can relate to what you're going through.

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summertime<BR>I have only got a minute because I am meeting my husband for lunch....but I wanted to tell you that I read your last post and will answer it this afternoon or evening. I believe deep down you want to forgive your husband and move forward...the questions you ask me point to that. I promise to get back to you today....look for an individual thread.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

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