Just wanted to jump in with a thought or two...<P>S_L..People do what works,especially in a 23 yr M. You must have gotten something out of it,even just the perception that you were doing the right thing,staying for the children(mistake,IMHO,they know more than you think). Soemthing "worked" for you. It appears it no longer worked,once you found someone else. <P>The OW in our M,has been M for 21 yrs and says she hates her H. But she won't leave him until she has someone else...She's not "the kind of person who can be alone" and she is STILL in the M,8 months after the A is over. So, I think she will continue to seek someone else until someone rescues her.OR it will become SO bad she will leave on her own OR she will do something to get her needs met within the M. She must be getting something out of it or else she wouldn't stay.What is your OW getting from her empty M? Some kind of reward or else she wouldn't be there.<P>About Love: I believe love is a choice...My H chose to allow himself feelings for OW...and chose to see me as the cause. How could it be me,when I didn't know what was happening to US? There is no reality,only perception(THank You,Dr Phil!). His reality was distorted by the secrets he kept. So that he could continue his EA...so that he would not be prohibited. <BR>He insists now that he never wanted what happened. But he did everything he could to make it happen and the secrets were the biggest thing. If I had known, he would have had to give her up. Because at no time did he want to end our M, he says. Hard to believe,given the PA.And he would have been forced to deal with our M issues...and it was easier for him to just feel good with her...he felt that I was completely to blame for our problems but not til he met her.Was that right thinking on his part? He NEEDED to blame me. Does any of this ring a bell?<P>He has been home since Aug 20, the whole PA lasted about 3 weeks. Long enough for him to realize that what was missing from our M before the affair was not ME,it was him. He withdrew...due his separate reality...and not telling me in any meaningful way about his unhappiness. It would have been to hard for him to "hurt me" with criticism. He would do anything,I think, to get me back the way I was before the A. He misses who I used to be. Joyful,warm, happy and adoring. But I had made him so unhappy!and he didn't like me!<BR>Point to this ramble...maybe...My H HAD everything he really wanted.But he questioned it...and wasn't willing then to do the work...Boy, he sure is now after he broke my heart. I had reached a point at that time, that I was content...not exactly thrilled with the state of our M...but I know that real life is about highs and lows and we don't always have everything we want all the time. He is now learning that... <P>Like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ..."If you have to go looking for your heart's desire beyond your own back yard, you never really lost it to begin with".He lost himself and almost me, in the process. <P>Maybe it would help you to do some Constructive work on your M. Face what you have BOTH done to it. And if it becomes clear that it will never be what you both want, GET OUT. You're not doing your W any favors by settling for her. Or yourself. I am not one of those who believes that all marriages should be saved,just because you are married. You will most likely never have with your W the sense of excitement or thrills, but is that what it's really all about? A shared life is a wonderful thing but if neither of you want to share,well I say...get out once you know that. And you can't know that til you've given it a real chance. Stop placing BLAME on yourself and on her. Get some help...and be willing to try,if that;s what you want. And if you don't even want to try...well, again I say, Get Out.<BR>