My H of 15 yrs and I have 3 kids from teen down to tot and I have been a SAHM the whole time and moved relocated 5 times for his job promotions over the years. At the time we married and discussed having kids he was all in agreement about my staying home with them until all of them were in school full time. Well now my youngest still has 2 more years before first grade. I have a college degree and would pursue something then. H had an A with a single aggressive coworker- they were involved for a year and it was physical the last few months. She managed to 'run me down ' in his eyes constantly saying I was 'lazy' just napped all day at home which is absolutely NOT true! My H is 42 and mid life crises bigtime- he has a very demanding job that has frequent travel and requires relocating for any promotions. I feel that since the A he has had alot less respect for me than he used to. I told him I was willing to make changes in our marriage to make him happier- I've updated my wardrobe,am taking antidepressant med, am driving further than I used to, trying to do more things as a family together etc. Yet he told the counselor we are seeing that he thinks of me as 'just one more on the kids." That seems to be how he treats me too. He thought of OW as his 'peer." He gushed to our counselor about how she kept her desk so tidy and her condo so clean( he's a compulsive neatnik). Well that just isnt POSSIBLE with 3 kids around!OW used to order H around and that is something I have NEVER done- she pressured him to divorce me and he was so determined to please her he did it then cancelled the papers the next day. And now he's started telling me I should get an outside job and even that I MUST exercise. ( I am quite thin after losing 15 lbs from the shock of his A!!) Plan A worked for me in that he was going to leave me for OW but decided to re-commit to our marriage. But what about the lack of respect for me??? Can anyone give me any advice? Thanks-lifeismessy

messy......<BR>I guess I am looking at this from a wifes point of view, and of course from a betrayed point of view also.<P>Your husband is making YOU the BAD GUY, to justify what he did or is doing. AND..from what I hear here....you are falling right in the ditch. I can't believe you counselor isn't telling you this. <P>If he is truly remorseful....he should be kissing your _ _ _! He should be doing EVERYTHING he can to show you how he feels, or if it needs some time to get it all back together, he should be working on your marriage, your trust, YOUR feelings. He would be so busy, that he wouldn't have time to think of the OW, be negative, or find fault with you. He should be greatful that you took him back, and that you are like you are. ......I'll be right back, my husband needs some help with something......<P>OK...I'm back...<BR>He needs to see that this affair has taken you to the bottom, and the extra work you have to do at home with the house and the children you both agreed to have and you both agreed that you would stay home and knock yourself out doing it all....plus all the work you agree to put into your marriage right now to get back together, and believe me YOU will do all the work on that mostly yourself, will take you lower then low. Now you are on meds for him? You need to exercise? hmmmmmmmmm<P>I agree that maybe you need, or think you need, to make some changes, that is good, but he does too. I'm seeing that he needs to help you at home, work on feelings, work on trust, compassion, bonding and much much more.<P>Respect? hmmmmmmmm....doesn't he need to re-gain YOUR respect? Your Childrens respect? Who is acting like a child here? <P>WOW.....I hit my Husband with both barrels at first and SEVERAL times. Yes, I was afraid he may leave me for good, with the attitude that I had. There are lots of stages that you will go through, good, bad, and really UGLY. My husband loved me so much and was soooo remorseful, that he understood, sometimes he didn't take it real good, but he knew that I had to go through all this. Our Counselor even told him all this in the beginning, and he was willing to stick it out. Yep...the OW was just the reverse, wonderful, always had her makeup on, energy, neat, tidy, and a fantasy!!!! He has to decide if he wants his family and mostly, if he wants YOU. He had a "Bad Brain Period"...now back to earth!!!!<P>It takes alot of WORK. We have been in recovery for 3 years now...it's working, it was hard.<P>Good luck and sorry that I went off like that.<BR>AH <p>[This message has been edited by Almost Happy (edited June 03, 2001).]

lifeismessy--<BR>The man travels, leaving everything in your lap...and you are the child? He needs a reality check. Doesn't it just make you want to jet off somewhere for a couple weeks, with say, a one day notice? (I'm sure you've have your share of those)<P>I was home with my kids for 6 years, and did child care as well. Now I have my own retail business, but I have a good schedule, get the kids to school and pick them up 3 days a week. And my H, during the affair, also thought I had it pretty easy. But...my being there for the kids was part of what WE had planned to do.<P>Sometimes these double-bind situations are so irritating. You could go to work...then who does what you do now? If nobody is in a house all day, maybe it is cleaner...but it has to get clean in the first place...and it is more likely that it gets to look like a dumping station around the door areas because no one is there to pick up shoes, backpacks, sports equipment, coats, water bottles, plastic bags with who-knows-what in them.<P>My H also complained about the household clutter, but, he's as guilty of it as any of us. I told him the house was tidier when he had moved out. He didn't believe me. Maybe I just had more time and had to keep busy, but I'm not sure about that.<P>Anyway, now that he is home, he realizes that if he wants an immaculate home, his shoes better not be in the living room if he chooses to say so .<P>He used to always "encourage" me to exercise. I did during the separations, and have started again the last several months. It does help with the stress. Does he realize that with small kids, if you go to the gym you'll either need to do it when he is home or hire a sitter? SAHM don't get lunch hours.

lifeismessy:<P>Don't make changes for your husband! All the stuff they say is 'wrong' with you are just excuses. They made the choice and you were not the reason!<P>If you make changes, make them for yourself. Do it to strengthen you. The changes will be more effective. I decided to lose weight and exercise for me. It has made me feel stronger and more confident. (And H has noticed others noticing me...new, sexy lingerie hasn't hurt either .)<P>Don't downplay yourself or your role as a SAHM! I sure wish I could be one! What you do is important. Appreciate yourself and respect yourself first...others will follow your lead.<P><P>------------------<BR>Cali<P>"Humble yourselves, therefore,under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." <P>1 Peter 5:6-7