H4F [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm one step ahead of you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I already emailed her and said that I was in no position to give her advice, because I'm in the same situation right now. But I did offer her my shoulder, my ear, and my confidentiality.<p>Thanks for being so concerned!

WOW! GOOD FOR YOU!! I only wish I'd had the head on my shoulders that you do. I was just sooo stubborn. You are doing really great!!! I emailed you!

I agree with the others that you do not have any hope of restoring your marriage if you are not honest. You have been married only two years and have been having an affair for six months and have not been intimate for the past five months
with your husband.<p>Let me ask you this simple question. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and all of a sudden your husband writes this board and asks that he wishes to work on the marriage but he is not sure if he should tell his wife. Don't you think you would want all of the information.<p>You have not been intimate with him for a long time and of course his self esteem must be hurting. You have put his physical health at risk for STD's and you say you do not wish to tell him because you do not want to hurt him? Oh please... It is time for you to be an adult and stop lying and disrespecting the man you married.
You need to be honest with your husband and with yourself. Your husband should have all of the information to decide whether or not he wishes to be with you. Why should you hold all of the cards. You have no hope for a marriage unless you will be honest with him. Would you want him to do to you what you are doing to him? I doubt it.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ConfusedMom:
<strong>The only place we really have trouble is the bedroom. I still cannot open up to him sexually. I just don't have the desire for him.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You will find the answers you need to change this in Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch.

Hope4future has said it best, IMO, about how familiar your situation is.<p>I was in a similar situation. In high school, I fell headlong for a guy and never really got over him. My H didn't seem as goodlooking as he and bunches of other stupid comparisons. My H is overweight, etc., etc.<p>At first, after I married, I would have dreams about my X. I would dream that we were together and that I wasn't married. Then, I started dreaming that we'd be together and I was married. Then, I dreamt that I thought about my choices...and chose X. <p>They continued to progress, the dreams. Each time I had a choice in my dream, the choice became more and more difficult. Eventually, I started choosing my H in the dreams. And now, I rarely dream about X. We had even had some phone contact a couple of years ago. The feelings are gone. I care about him, but I do not love him any more than that...and I have no desire to find out about him either. It's like a person that is out of my life that I rarely consider anymore.<p>You OM isn't all roses. Sure it's exciting...I think you'll find most affairs are, the more you read. But, nothing takes the place of having a safe haven, like you have with your H. You aren't safe with OM because your marriage (safe haven) isn't safe.<p>I never thought I would love my H the way I was supposed to. But, he is still overweight and I love him more than I ever have, and have no desire to seek out another.<p>My H's wonderful characteristics are...<p>The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen (even X didn't have that)<p>Very strong arms and legs<p>Intelligence<p>Sensitivity<p>Strong work ethic<p>Christian background and faith (X didn't have that either)<p>A handsome nose (I've never liked mine, until recently)<p>The cutest babies you ever saw<p>His love for me<p>Wonderful SF partner<p>Scads of other things along with meeting most of my ENs.<p>HTH. Remember, you're not alone.<p>Like the others have said, your marriage won't have a chance until the OM is out of the picture. Even then, he will be a ghost for a long time.<p>Hoping

I failed to mention that I did tell H about my dreams. I know it hurt him, but he was strong and loved me anyway.<p>He's so special.<p>Hoping

Just finished reading the rest of the thread and new_beginning has it right also and adds some more good advice to the thread.<p>I hope you're listening. I hope you help your situation and not let go the wonderful man you've got.<p>Remember? He's your BF for a reason. That's the best kind of H to have.<p>To quote someone else on the Emotional Needs Board (DJmusicbox's thread), "The way you get a man is the way you lose a man." If you end up with this man, he will probably cheat on you, too, if he's not already.<p>Hoping

Hi there,
Just a few points from me, Im not in your situation, I was the BS in our marriage, BUT I did hear all the same EXACT things you mentioned. Positive she was never in love with me, OM soul mate, 99.999999% sure its for real, realized what true love was with him and so on and so forth, NO desire for intimacy at all with me as I was just at best a friend, more so even a room mate.<p>First off, things CANT recover properly unless you tell him. Nothing he says or does EVEN if he does the exact same things as the OM will help him get a place in your heart, because the other man is still in there.<p>You need to see a counselor.. dont be discouraged, it takes a while sometimes to find a good one. Please also consider meds for depression. They really did a HUGE wonder for my wife. She told me, once she started them and they kicked in, she was able to see past some of the depression and emotion that was clouding her judgment and START to see how much of a mistake she was making.<p>Anyway, after the painful revelation and initial stages, real recovery needs to take place and that takes two people so you have to tell him.(You and your husband, of course)<p>Actually think about this. Either way. you cant continue on in your present situation right? Its bad for all concerned. All that needs to be done is tell him, he deserves that much. It wont be easy and I know it will take a lot of bravery and will power for you to do it but your husband deserves that much doesnt he? Even if he is just your friend. He deserves the truth. HE should be deciding if he wants to stay with you, not the other way around. Tell him you made a mistake and go from there perhaps.. I wish I could give you other ways about it, but there is no easy way to do it. Writing it down might be a start you could give it to him in a letter, but please do it face to face.<p>Anyway, sorry I tend to ramble in my posts. As I was saying, things were much like you describe when I first found out about my wife's A.<p>She was convinced she never loved me.... I was plan A'ing away. she then said maybe she loved me.<p>months later she says she did love me, but not anymore.<p>We removed OM from the picture... (once or twice)
and she says we are at least friends she COULD love me and COULD see a future, but cant decide.<p>a few months later anti depressants, a GOOD marriage couselor on the second try, Me talking to the OM, wife reading SAA and a few false starts. My wife says she regrets everything, she DOES love me and feels sad that I almost gave up on HER. We are in strong recovery so far, and it is all based on COMMUNICATION and mutual effort.<p>Give your husband the chance to decide.<p>Good luck and Godbless!<p>-HI

You said it HI...I went through those same stages. I kept saying how I did respect my H and liked him as a friend, but that was it...then it went to I did LOVE him but wasn't IN LOVE with him...and on and on just as you said. Fact is I DO love him, very deeply, and cannot BELIEVE what a jerk I was to him.<p>I have the feeling Mrs LIL has abandoned us...we have not provided the "support" she was hoping to find and so now I'm sure we're being written off as harsh and not seeing the WHOLE PICTURE. Yea, well...been there done that too. I hope you are atleast still reading Mam...cause I'd be willing to bet in under 6 months time you are going to be wanting to talk to someone who's been there done that... Good luck.

I am still reading...Please don't think I'm not. It's just difficult for me to get onto the site long enough to reply.<p>I've still having a few conflicts about telling. I myself don't think I'd want to know. I think it's better not to know...and have things just be put in the past...then to have to go through the feeling of not having trust. If I'm able to move on with my husband (which I don't know if this is possible still), wouldn't it be better to save him this pain. I'm still trying to settle this in my head. Are there other sites that I could get more info about this on so that I can feel better about my choice to tell or not tell? I'm not looking for someone to agree with me, but I do want to be sure I'm doing the right thing.<p>I'm also having a hard time believing that all these feelings I'm having for OM are not real...that I'm just supposed to ignore them & tell him goodbye. This is very difficult when I'm feeling this is my true love & I feel like I'd be letting the love of my life get away...and that I'd lose the person I was meant to be with. I hear what you're all saying...but it's so difficult to comprehend why I'd feel so strong (especially since I've never felt this way) if it wasn't meant to be? <p>And what about the OM? If I decide to work things out with my husband, how do you just ignore the love you have for that person? Are there support groups for OM? Do the OM ever post on this site? I love this person too! I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt anyone.<p>I am listening....just still struggling about what to do.<p>Thank you all for your advice...<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: lostinlove92111 ]</p>

Hello again,
Recovery isnt impossible. Trust isnt impossible to recover. Yes it hurts and yes it takes a while, but really. I've been through it. Consider my situation my wife's A started BEFORE our M. believe me I have had some trust issues I've been working through. But you can work through them. Have been on the other side you KNOW there are things the WS or other person can do to help you trust again. Its just a matter of the WS finding it in them to be totally honest and available to the BS in the rough times right after.<p>Anyway re: Friends opinions
Friends always have opinions. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] If your friends told you to jump off a bridge would you? sorry had to slip that in there. Friends love and want to protect you. My friends often told me to leave my wife after I found out about her A. If I had listened to them I would have made a huge mistake... a few of em. Friends arent in your marriage. You Marriage is you and him. Both of you deserve to have all the facts about who and what the other person is.<p>You say you wouldnt want to know, but hun, arent you a little biased at this point. I think you know telling him is the right thing to do which is why you are here. But its going to take a lot of courage for you to do it and I DO respect the fact that you are at trying to do the right thing.<p>
You said again wouldnt it be better if he didnt know and you could get your love back and so on and so forth? You know that wont work. You
said yourself you've tried that already right? My wife tried it a few times too. The attraction of the OP is just so tough to get over. You cant work this out on your own, it takes two spouses for everything in a marriage, especially recovery.<p>Re: The true love concept
I personally dont really think there is a one true love for anyone. I used to be that romantic, but there are billions of people out there. You love someone who makes you feel special. Who's to say if you keep looking you wont find someone better.. then later someone better. Marriage is the commitment to stop looking and focus on who you already have. See what unique qualities about that person you love has. And learning ways for both of you to grow closer in love. <p>re: The OM
The flash of love you feel for the OM, will wane even if you stayed together. You can understand that right? If you had a relationship and saw him every single day, do you think you'd still have that fire? Probably not, it would wane, then what would be left in the relationship. I dont doubt your feelings for the OM dont exist, or that they arent powerful. But how much is that based on reality? Have you even had a real fight with him yet? Have you seen each other at your worst? Have you paid bills together and so on... Would he truely be willing to stay there for you as your husband currently is though unknown depression without explaination, without physical love? Your husband is already showing you love and marriage commitment.
Can you say you the OM really values marriage if he doesnt value your current one? You said you could never trust your first BF before after he cheated on you, but your OM is already a cheater. I know we always think stats dont apply to us, but the facts are that over 90% of affairs end in affairs because that relationship is started out or disregard for the value of the previous commitment. <p>Your husband loves you, but its just hard for you to feel it because you are closed off to it with the OM in your life.<p>Give your H a chance. If you have real love with the OM, what could giving your marriage a chance for at least half a year do to it? If you tell your husband about things and you both REALLY truely try and things dont work out, you can leave that marriage with a clean consciense.<p>I think you know in your heart:
1) Your husband needs to know so HE can decide.
2) You need to tell him to get the ball rolling either way. Fence sitting just continutes to hurt all involved.<p>Make a plan first and go from there. Marriage counseling and reading books will help. Have you read SAA? my wife really likes it it shows both sides of the story.<p>You I know it will be hard, but I know you can do it.<p>Praying for ya!<p>-HI<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: HangingIn ]</p>

It seems to me that YOU are deciding for your H. That is selfish in my opinion. He's a big boy and can decide what to do with the information. You are basically giving him no credit right now for knowing what he needs.<p>I was re-reading Torn Asunder last night and it reminded me of you wanting to avoid telling him. The author said that basically you are avoiding the consequences and doing it 'because you don't want to hurt him.' Is lying and living a lie not hurting him?<p>My H's affair would have still devastated me, but been much easier to process if I weren't lied to for 6 years. The longer you wait, the digger the hole you dig and the more he will resent you.<p>As for these feelings for OM, I would give anything if you could talk to my H. He was also 'totally in love with his soulmate, his one chance at happiness.' The other day he said thank God he's out of that situation and can see very clearly what is was .....INFATUATION. Period.<p>If this OM is willing to cheat with you, he may just cheat ON you someday. Relationships that begin as affairs have less than a 10% chance of surviving. Most affairs last no longer than 18-24 mos. Probably because reality starts to enter into this very 'fantasy' like world.<p>I really think your H deserves more than he's getting. Consider his feelings, and remember that you're probably only hearing the words of your friends who agree with you-take the easy way out, lie and cover it up.<p>Sorry for the harshness. I've lived this for 6 years and seen it too many times. It's not pretty but recovery IS possible if you consider your marriage vows and your H.

By not trying to hurt your husband by being honest you are hurting him terribly. Do you think that he does not feel hurt when you avoid any emotional and physical contact with him. You made your choice to fall in love with another man. Allow your husband to make the choice to stay or leave the marriage. I don't believe you when you state that you are trying not hurt your husband. Instead I believe that the person you are trying to protect is yourself. I believe it is your attempt to avoid being made to feel ashamed and guilty of being the one responsible for the devastation of your marriage. "To thyself be true".<p>[ April 25, 2002: Message edited by: tomaz ]</p>

When was your H declared incompetent and you appointed his guardian?<p>Here's the deal--if you want a truly intimate fulfilling M, you HAVE to tell your H. He has to know who he is married to. If you want to leave your H and indulge your fantasy of living "happily ever after" with the OM, then you STILL have to tell your H and say good-bye.<p>Either way, you have to tell in order to get what you want. That is unless you what you really want is to continue to enslave your H and string the OM along. And in that case, there will most likely come a time when the choice is no longer up to you.

Hi LIL, sweetie...just wanted to let you know that I got your email and I and in the middle of writing you back from work..Will finish & send in the AM. Sleep tight and take care of you.<p>IAF

Lil...soooo glad you're still with us!!! You're listening...that's a good thing! I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW EXACTLY how you are feeling. Just a year ago I was picturing the OM and I's children, and where we would vacation...I even had it figured out how we'd do up the house and yard...you name it. I totally believed my feelings for him were "real". Well...yea, they WERE REAL...but not what I'd thought. My OM was a NICE GUY...confused and immature, but overall a good person. I loved him as a friend for many years before this all happend. He was fun to be around and so much more caring and open than the rest of the crew out here. So yea, I fell in love with him...that much was real. What wasn't real was how I dismissed my husband and my marriage because of the world I had painted in my head. That world wasn't real. The future I had pictured wasn't real. The RUSH of ALIVE and PASSION and CAN'T KEEP OUR HANDS OFF EACH OTHER...those were LUST. A first time for me...I'd never felt that before...I'd never been "in love" before. BUT..it wasn't because my OM was my soul mate...it was because I was hurting and depressed and emotionally abandoned in my marriage...and I was ready to feel those feelings. You think you married your husband for the wrong reasons? Hey, as far as I can see we ALL DO! And marrying the OM because you LUST him would be the WORST reason of all! Because LUST LEAVES! It will ABSOLUTELY be gone...atleast the degree that you're feeling it now. Friendship...friendship is by far one of the BEST reasons to get married that I have seen yet. And realize...if you divorce your friend...you will lose his friendship forever. I surely miss the OM's friendship...but I would have missed my husband's as well.<p>Keep listening...keep reading. My friends "supported" my decision too...and they were never so relieved when H and I got back together. Their initial "support" was because they saw me miserable and wanted me to be happy...they saw how happy I was when I spoke of the OM. Hey..that's "in love" for ya...makes you radiate. But soon after their advice they realized how irresponsible that advice was...they regretted it. Seeing us get back together brought a sigh of relief and a bit more respect for me...because I FIGURED IT OUT and I DID THE RIGHT THING! Your friends don't have to live with the consequences of your actions...it's easy to give "advice" based on that.<p>There have been some great books recommended to you. Another is A Woman's Book of Life by Joan Borysenko. There's a good chance you are going through a major life cycle right now if you're between the ages of 28-32. This is similiar to a man's mid life. It would help explain many of the confusing and restless feelings your having about life right now.<p>Take care!

Hi lost - let me pose a different question to you.<p>You indicated your "true love" knows you're struggling with whether or not to stay married and he's willing to wait for you.<p>Why in the world are you willing to throw away your marriage for a slimeball who is completely willing to be a homewrecker? a liar? an adulterer? someone capable of placing his selfish needs above someone else fully knowing he's doing something wrong in the process?<p>And you admire this?<p>Sweetie, step back and take a look at this.<p>I promise you that as soon as the "new" wears off this creep, you'll see all this for yourself. Dump him before it's too late.<p>WAT

Hi LIL,<p>Been right where you are. I thought I had found my "soulmate" and the love of my life too...but my H found out, told his wife and I never heard another word from him. That's OK, because what I discovered is that the REAL love of my life was standing right in front of me....and to think that I almost lost my M over someone, who in hindsight, is as immature and self-absorbed as the day is long. I feel pretty lucky to have been given another chance.<p>If you tell your H the truth at least he can decide what HE wants and all the cards will be on the table. Take it from someone who kept playing one card at a time....just throw the whole had in and get it over with. It'll all come out eventually anyway.<p>A

I'm one of Lil's friends. I'm one of the ones who initially told her not to tell. I've learned that was a mistake. I'm not married. I've never been in this situation. I'm the wrong person to give advice on this stuff and I know that now.<p>I just wanted her to be happy. She seemed so happy when we talked about OM. So tortured and miserable in this situation. <p>Lil, listen to these people. LISTEN to THEM. Follow their advice. It's the best out there. Truly is. I belive you have to tell H. You have to tell him everything. Not only for him, but for you too. I've seen what this is doing to you, and I don't think it will go away until you release the burden. <p>Coming here was the best thing you have ever done. As always, I'm here to support you. <p>Good luck - and thanks to all who have responded to the thread.

Wow, I wish my wife had friends like you when she was in her A! Her friend(s) gave her a place to consumate the relationship instead of sending her home to her H. Thanks for posting!<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: Mr. Bunky ]</p>