Hello hello... everything is dated from May!! Spooky around here.

Hi! It's a little lonely in here. Oddly enough, I checked my post count, and it's the count from when the forum went down and not May. Weird . . .

Bea

Hi everyone,

I am back on my old User Name - have tried to register bestrongforyou again but then I can see only a small amount of forums.

Maybe it's time to start a brand new thread and put all info in one place for a change for me anyway

Spooky around here.
Well, it's almost Halloween. Maybe they WANTED it to be spooky.


Hi Faithful. Hope life is good.

SS

Question is, will it stay the way it is now, or will they do a further restore and get all the other threads back.

If anyone is in the know, feel free to comment.

SS

Hi SS! My guess would be they will eventually be able to restore the old threads. They always seem to pull off miracles.

I wouldn't have known it was back up yet, but I rebooted after an upgrade, and didn't get an error message on my browser for MB when I started the browser back up. Surprise, Surprise, the site is back up. Sort of.

I guess we'll see what happens. I wouldn't care at all about these (brand new) posts if they can get all the other regular threads back.

SS

Man, I hate it when this place disappears. So much to talk about in the news, too, regarding infidelity, and this is one place where I can do that.

Hope they get the rest of the threads back, but I wouldn't count on it. Folks may just want to start their own "Update" threads and we'll go from there.
Mulan

Hey y'all...missed me some MB and now MB seems to missing some MB as well.

Hope this won't involve another down-week...I can't take it.

Mr. Wondering

I was going through MB withdrawals... I MISSED you all so very much.

Welllllllllllll----
We are at least back up BUT, as you can see, we have LOTS of repairing & fixing to still do.

Some of you are going to have problems logging on. The techs said we may have lost some of the newer members registrations. Let me know if you do have problems and I'll see if there's anything I can do.

The forums we have up now are the old ones before we did the redo. We will be fixing them again as time permits. The tech's are still working on getting the old posts & threads back, so try to be patient.

If you have problems or questions, contact me. I sure don't have all the answers but we can TRY!!

JustUss, you are all so awesome!

So what happened Justuss? Was it some sort of attack? Failure?

I missed MB so much!

Thanks for keeping us informed.

OMG I have been wandering around lost....I really thought I lost my MB friends forever...even if it is just reading posts this site is like my lifeline..You guys are the only ones who get it, ya know?

I had so much to post and now I have just screwed everything up more...If that is even possible.

Everyday I would try to get in and now I was so surprized that i got in...Hope everyone is doin okay... Miss you guys.

stillhere, how are you - 2 weeks felt like an eternity - good to be back

I think I will start posting from scratch with a little recap of our story and where I am at today

Eh, Im okay..Thanks..The question is how are you doin?

Ill be lookin for your new thread BS4Y

Yes WE KNOW..... Missed you too. It's kinda like Noah must have felt coming out of the Ark after 40 days.

I am not too bad actually - a quick recap what happened the last 2 weeks:

WH is still abroad - after the initial 2 weeks work abroad he got another 2 weeks work which is good financially for us. He gave up his flat and is due back in Ireland early next week. Remember when he was in Ireland last I had the keylogger installed and got the password to his general email account - I am keeping an eye on him a little that way.
I also have now his second secret email address - just missing the password but working on it.
Financially WH is starting to spend - he racked up a phone bill of $ 1500 for his mobile phone - don't ask me how he managed it -also his general spending abroad is now higher then spending for the 3 of us here at home - so there is something going on for sure. I am still in Plan A as much as I can - we had 2 nice phone conversations the last 4 weeks - no lovebusting from my side and nothing nasty surprisingly from his side.
Now the downside: He hasn't called the kids once and he is gone nearly a month.I'd love to give him a piece of my mind in that regard but keep that to myself for now.

Hey Queenie, I hope you are doin well. I really dont look on the recovery thread and I admit it is because of pure jealousy. But I am always thinkin of you and see your posts over here sometimes.

BS4Y..So everything is sorta status Quo...glad to hear it. Plan A is hard but it sounds like its goin good. My WS used to get phone bills with 3500 minutes on them....Oh well. They Suck..but hang in there you are doin great.

Beleive me givin him a peice of your mind wont do any good right now, so you are doin the right thing. Its his loss not talkin to his kids, you have no control over that. Just pay attention to what you can do, stay focused on your goal.

So i guess , we have lost all of the threads since may.

My entire story is gone , as I am sure alot of new people will find the same , and some 700 posts.

Is the idea to rewrite your story : number 2 style?

Ideas?

Jeeping

Yeah, I guess the threads are corrupted. I guess just a quick recap thread or somthing. IDK...That does suck Jeeping. I Get people mixed up on here sometimes, now forget it I am so confused.

I hope some of the "regulars" are back soon, I want to know how things are going for Chai and HH!

Oh shoot! MB is back up!

(2long ducks as heavy objects approach on ballistic trajectories)...

-ol' 2long

THe interesting thing is....

The forum came back up for about ten hours or so about 10 days ago.....

And they were only able to restore to 2008. So this is a little better.

Good luck with working on it!

LG

How do you define insanty?

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

MB being down drove me insane
I type in the address, click on forums, click on enter and then get the error. I did this 2 - 3 times a day. each time hoping for a different result.

But at same time - i was able to focus on work and get stuff done.

Yeah, me too HW. But it did also make me realize that being on here does really help me...keeps me centered...I did some stupid stuff and then found myself on divorce boards...which might of been okay, except that it was a lot of men who didnt feel the same way about cheating as we do on here....

Basically calling SAHM's, lazy a$$es who let their looks go and deserve to be cheated on and dumped...and dont deserve any money in the divorce because they didnt work for it...I really take this stuff to heart and I kind of backslided in my personal recovery...had to see my IC a few extra times...

Anyway, what I am trying to say is...I love you guys...

(quote=lousygolfer)THe interesting thing is....

The forum came back up for about ten hours or so about 10 days ago.....

And they were only able to restore to 2008. So this is a little better.

Good luck with working on it!

LG (/quote)
I beamed in briefly during that 10-hour interregnum as well, but didn't bother registering again. It was passing strange.

Seriously, many thanks to the mods and techs who've been navigating this disaster from the inside. It must have been incredibly frustrating.

I sure hope they're able to restore more recent threads. I didn't even think about archiving my threads (which were pretty short anyway) or other posts. As a fairly recent poster, it's a bit like being an unperson all of a sudden. Unnerving.

I'm also curious what might happen if the tech folks can restore more, since I re-registered with the same username and password. Will the old Jim get subsumed into the new Jim, or will one of us simply disappear, never to be heard from again?

Huh. Looks like the quote function isn't working yet, either. Got an error message when I tried to post, so I just turned the square brackets into parens.

Yeah its kinda like you lost your identity Jim...and I am usu mixing everyone up, so it sucks on my end too.

yippee!! We are back! Hi friends!

Hi Melody... How's life.

Its like we are all so devoted to our MB friends..I dont think it will take long at all to hear from everyone...Its like a reunion.

Count me among the people who completely disappeared. I just registered in early September, so I was wiped out completely. It let me re-register using the same name and password, but I'm also wondering what will happen to the new me if they manage to find the old me.

I'm also wondering how many people will return and how many just gave up and wrote the site off for good.

I also just noticed that I'm back to being a Junior Member again with only 1 (okay, now 2) posts.

That rots.

I would recommend that if your user name was lost and you had to re-register that you use a different user name than what you had before. If they are able to restore a newer backup you would get your old user name back.

From a technical stand point, if they are able to recover the lost data. They would overwrite whatever is posted in the present time in order to recover it, back to the day it was lost.

In other words, if the only back they have is from two weeks ago, they will upload that and it will over write all of this present day stuff,

However my guess is what we have is what we have. The techs would not want to restore a backup that was not the most current.

Plus it is counter productive for us to start new posts and threads to have them written over with a back up from two ago.

Why are all the threads centered? Or is it just me?

So what have I been doing the past two weeks?

I was also reading some divorce boards. Tried to get more into Alanon; make more meetings. There's not much hope of actual marriage building for me since H said he had no interest and to quit asking (then denied he ever said that..::). We keep going round and round and we never get anywhere so I've decided I need to just quit stressing out about it. He drinks. He denies he has a problem. I'm not crazy in thinking that there's a problem. He may or may not still be trying to contact his old HS girlfriend. I doubt it but I think he still has a wayward mindset--KWIM? As in, he minimizes what he did, tries to blameshift a lot of his behavior on to me. And he's totally chaotic in his behavior. At times he'll be ok--never great, just ok. And other times he's do darn belligerent. I made a comment about the ring tone on his phone tonight and he had an AO about it--how DARE I criticize his ringtone.

Really, it's so sad, it's funny.

I want nothing more than to separate and divorce if it comes to that since the alcohol issue will prevent marriage building and he's not interested anyway. But I don't have the money for the lawyer. I'm investigating DIY. And that's about where I was when the boards went down.

Can't talk to him either. One night I was having a mini panic attack about us, our relationship, my finances, just life in general. So I took a hot bath and got into bed. He came in and said "NOW WHAT'S WRONG". And I replied "I'm very stressed out and I'm trying calm myself down".

So he yells "NOW WHAT FOR CRISSAKE" and grabs his pillow and goes to sleep on the couch.

Next day he was back to being regular sorta friendly and denied he ever yelled at me.

LOL

Yes.... like a reunion

Queenie wrote:I was going through MB withdrawals... I MISSED you all so very much.

I was going to quote ya, but we cant use the quote function yet.


*twitch* withdrawls??? what withdrawls *twitch* I aint got me none of them *shake* I'm jist fine I am *twitch*


Dag nab it!!!! No I just noticed all the cool smilies have gone!

Yanno, I have had to re write this so many times because of missing stuff, it no longer makes sense

Where is Ivetz - i have been worried bout her since it went down.

My life - same ol same ol...
it sucks
my counslor is helping me see why I did what I did
I have built EPM to make sure i never do those things again.

I can not make my H to love me or trust me - that is something that will come from him with time - if he allows it
I can not make him stay - he will ultimately do what he feels he needs to. he says He wants to love me but cant. he wants to be happy but if he loves me he says i will hurt him again. He can only see the negative in his life. Even the children to him seem to be less of a blessing. He only focuses on the bad everywhere. The difference between our life before I cheated and now is simple...he doesnt have me. He cant trust me or love me because of what i did - so everything else is ampliefied. Our counselor says I was his anchor - i provided balance for him...and now he doesnt have that. He doesnt know how to react when something bad happens - because I was his positive. I am still here - but he cant see it. I love him - but he doesnt believe it. he needs to find balance outside of me...just like I needed to learn strength outside of him. He threatens to leave me and the kids daily - never to be seen again...i just tell him I love him and I am sorry I hurt him. Then i go be with the kids...i dont try to change his mind. I just leave him be. Staying with him makes him worse.

I am tired though...its hard to love someone who hates you - even if you understand WHY they hate you. It saps the life from you. I am sure he feels much worse...hating leaves you empty and bitter - it doesnt help - it makes the betrayl and pain amplified...

love has its own reward , if it comes from an external source, there is a never ending supply. and it fills you up

the fury and rage is wearing me down. i know i cant change him...and I focus on the kids and my relatioship with god. But even though I have found a sort of peace - i get tired.very very tired.

OK,,many of you had originally started long threads with constant updates. IF you can find your old thread,,pull it back up. It will be missing the posts from May until today. Update as best as you can and continue on from there. IF we are ever able to retrieve the missing posts, we can always try to merge them into your current post.

IF your current thread was STARTED after May,, it may be gone.. You'll have to start over.

I'm Sorry.....

HW, I dont remember how long ago your affair was...but from the other side...My WH was my anchor, he was my balance....well before he decided he loved someone else.

But anyway I think your H just needs time, to trust you, to process what you did. And I am positive that he still loves you...Just keep giving him reason to trust him...make sure he knows that you love him and will do what it takes to build his trust back...He doesnt hate you, he hates what you did.

I am just telling you how I would feel if my WH wanted to work on the marriage....You made the big step of staying and workin on your M...Now its just gonna take time and the work.

i had a one night stand after about two years of in appropriate behavior in chat rooms on interent (no EAs - just lots of attention seeking behavior - stupdily wanting to be told i was pretty).

the PA lasted 2 hours with a drunk stranger in vegas - who then invited three friend up and wouldnt let me leave. So I am dealing with cheating on my H - combined with rape...which MY H cant see as rape - he thinks I was incontrol of the event and some how the director of the whole event. I didnt report to cops because i thought it was all my fault. Lots of nastiness in the span of a day. Talk about sending my life to hell in a hand basket. (note i am just now accept the fact that it was rape...my IC our MC and my Dr. have helped me realize a very drunk women, in a room with four men...who asks three seperate time sto leave is told she cant...was raped). Also note - i know I am lucky i didnt end up dead somewhere - call me the dumbest women alive. I threw away his love, my marriage. I risked my life. All because I was angry and bitter and hurt. I allowed emotions to control my actions. Never again.

My H played his role in not meeting me ENs - he was verbally abusive in the past. BUT - I let my feelings control my actions. I cheated on my husband. And for that I bear responsibility.

the outcomewill last a life time...

Jeez, HW I am so sorry...and It DEFINITELY wasnt your fault. God, to have to deal with the rape and then your H blaming you is really rough HW. I hope you are gettin help dealing with that issue also.

But IDK if I really think that he truly in his heart beleives that you orchestrated the whole thing. I think he is just really really mad at you. I think that he will come around on that issue eventually..after he works on gettin over the actual affair part.

When the anger subsides hopefully you can both work through this issue together..I mean you both need to help each other through all this mess. It just might take a while...Hang in there.

Sounds like a re-write of history when I compare this to an old post of yours;

Yeouch. That's going to be specially hard on the newcomers who came here for help, only to have their entire thread wiped out...

It's good to see the forums back though. That was a LONG dry spell..

(btw - add the default text-centering effect to the fix-it list :))

HW, I dont know why I didnt know about all this before. I must not have read your whole thread I guess. You did make a big mistake, we all make them...but you are in no way dumb and you did not deserve what happened to you. You just did a dumb thing, God knows I have done plenty of them.

I am very glad you are goin to an IC. I understand some of what you are goin thru, I went thru something similar as a teenager...so I can relate to the pain you are goin thru with the rape. My heart goes out to you, If you need to vent I am usu on here every day at some point....Ill say a prayer for you..

Hey TST - welcome! glad to see ya back - always keeping me honest. Glad you found my old thread.
yep that was our fantasy - and i went with the first man because of the fantasy - i felt as if my H was somehow directing me...because the first OM approached me exactly has my H and often said he would...I cheated...i engaged in a PA with the OM exactly as my Hs fantasy said I would...but the other men - I asked to leave and was told I couldnt...so I have a dual issue of cheating, guilt...and rape...(note the firs OM - i am not saying it was Hs fault because of fantasy...fantasy is fantasy - i made it real. It is NOT my Hs fault I did what I did...it is mine)

and Stillhere - this info was not in my first thread - i just said it was a ONS with an OM - i did not reveal that there were four men total - the embarresment of it all. But truth is - H can not forgive it. And I have accepted that I may end up divorced. I want to restore my marriage and spend the rest of my life with him. But, he is so hurt - i dont think he can see that ther is anything good left in me. and i can not change that. I can only be a good mother, a good wife. I can only work to become stable and healthy and life for my sons. I can not change how my Hs feels. Only he has contorl of that.

Hi, HW, it's lurioosi2. Where s your blog again? I have one on wordpress too now under lurioosi. I am so sorry you are haing a hard time.

I just feel sad posting and reading right now. I probably won't be around much for awhile. But I wanted to tell you hello.

Oh there is a lot of good left in you...He will see it eventually..He has to. You sound like you are having a little bit of a hard time forgiving yourself...please work on that and I have to believe that he will come around..Show him the good in you and believe in yourself and please forgive yourself...

And if he doesnt eventually come around then you need to move on. You dont want to stay with someone who is that unforgiving. But if he had love for you before I think he will love you that way again...It will just take a lot of hard work...

Hi lurioosi2! I've been wondering who would come back and who wouldn't. I'm sorry you're feeling down. I hope everything is okay.

I'm on the fence about sticking around at this point. I was pretty much obliterated, since I just joined in early September. I just don't know if I have the heart to start over.

I see everyone survived the MB withdrawls. Welcome back all.

Wow, my whole D details disappeared. Does this mean that it was all a dream? ROLOL

My entire identity disappeared. Does this mean I don't exist?

writer1, I feel your pain. These things happen, unfortunately. I'm in the same boat -- I started posting in late August, and even though I was mostly in newcomer threads trying my limited best to help out, that's all gone. So are my links to all the threads I was following -- not to mention most of those newcomers themselves. My own threads here and in Recovery were no great shakes, but I still put a fair amount of time into them, and it sucks that they're gone without a trace.

All I can suggest is what I'm going to do myself, which is to pick up and start over. Start a new thread, summarize your situation and move forward. Among other things, I'll bet it's a lot easier to get others' attention while traffic here is still picking up than it might be later.

Yes, this is a real stinker. Just another bit of adversity to overcome, huh?

I, like so many others, had some awesome advice, insight, and encouragement within my thread. I needed it. I relied upon it.

I'll keep plugging away, though. If I give up and go away, will I get better advice, more valuable insight somewhere else? Of course not.

So, I just treat this like I do so many other things. Did I cause it? Can I change it? Can I control it? No, no, and um, no. So, TB heads back to the land of Junior Membership.

So, does that mean I go back to being really New, Blue and in Need of a Clue? I'd like to think I've progressed a bit beyond those initial days of angst....

May 2009 is better than September 2008, but I am sad for what I have lost. I think I might start to make copies of things I think are important to me instead of assuming they will be on MB for me to find.

Lil:

About this:


I did the same thing. I copy and pasted to myself what I felt was most important yesterday. I recommend it to every one else, as well.

LG

Good idea.

As for trying to update old threads pre May09 or recreating threads since May09---I'm just too darn emotionally wiped out to even think about it.

I haven't read this whole thread, but does anyone know how to make the posts read left justified? I come back on and everything is centered and it's just wonky...and YES! Wonky is the technical term.

Where am I?

Twilight Zone....

Do-do-do-do....

Hey Double D.

I know a good plastic surgeon for that...

LOL. I don't know why but that's what I call you...Dd...not because the other kind of DD.

I've mentioned this before, but DeeDee was the pig.

Really. When I was 3 I got a piglet for Easter. Her name was DeeDee.

And we're off and running.... good to see everyone again!

But really...how do I get this dayum thing to justify left?

Centered justification drives me battier than I already am!

It was certainly frustrating not to be able to sign in.
I'm so glad the site is up and running again!
Thanks, mods.

Hi Bellevue,

Shabbat Shalom

I got sooo much work done during the blackout!! Boss will be expecting the same in the future...could be trouble.

Bummer about the lost months, AND about the centering posts.

kirk

Last time it went down they had to fix the center thingie. I'm sure they'll get around to it again.

Dear Mods,

Here:

RoundTuit link

Now you have one. I am eagerly looking forward to left justification.

Warmest Regards,
Kimmy

I'm wondering if the centering thing is only a problem for certain web browsers. I see all the posts left-justified, just like they were before. I've seen others complaining about everything being centered though. I have a Mac and use Safari. Not sure if that makes a difference. What web browser(s) is everyone using who are seeing everything centered?

Mac-Safari left-justifier reporting for duty, ma'am.

Just another way in which Macs are superior to PCs...

funny, sugar's post is centered and writer's post is left justified. Mac users love to pick on PC users pfffffffffftt sometimes we just don't have a choice yanno.

The centered thing was driving me batty(er), too! I discovered that posts are only centered when I log-in using Internet Explorer. When I use Firefox everything appears normal. Go figure.

I'm so happy MB is back.

My post count went back to what it was in May. Weird. Not that I'd written any fabulously insightful posts between May and yesterday, so I guess it's not really a huge loss, lol.

ff, I was just having fun. Surely you didn't take offence?

I will notify the techs regarding the centering and ask them to fix it...

You're a funny girl, sugar.

Logging in on IE and Firefox with the Dell gives me centered posts.

Logging in on H's Mac w/ Firefox gives me centered posts.

With Safari, all is good.

There must have been another blip on Saturday. It's eerily quiet again.

Flick and I were on late last night and early this morning (we have seperate computers) and we both kept having our posts timing out.

Also MB was down for such a long time, many people might not have discovered it is up and limping, err, running

No, there's more to it than that, lil. If you look at the times of the last few posts, there has been a few hours' gap and then more posts.

The site would not open up for me about 7 hours ago.

I do hope that people come back!

Looking on 'active topics' I can see a gap between by lurioosi2 @ 25/10/09 03:19 AM and stillhere8126 @ 24/10/09 11:08 PM which was last night when Flick and I kept getting timed out so went to bed. After that it seems to have a flurry of activity around 5am, and then just one or two an hour.

I have been on twice today and almost every single post I have writen timed out, although they somehow end up posted anyway, so I double post I know I want my 4K post count back, but not like that

lurioosi2 - my blog is brokenwomen.wordpress.com


All - If you feel so inclined - please add my H and my children to your prayer list as well as me. I am begining 7 days of prayer and fasting today. My husbands hatred of me increases daily. I cant see him ever forgiving me. I do not want to lose him but fear I have - because of my actions. I can not make up for what I did or change how he feels. I can only pray that I have the stregnth to be a good mother and protect my children as best as I can. I feel as if there is a massive - out of control - semitruck heading towards them...I set it in motion...but can not stop it. I will survive if my husband divorce me...but they will be damaged...by my sin and his anger. In the last two weeks he has lashed out at his family, disowning them and lashed out at his friends and his job. He has always been an angry man, but my betrayl unleased it full force on the world. So I am praying, praying for him - that even if it means he must leave, he find peace and healing. Praying for strength and peace for me and for my children - the ultimate victems in this whole horrible event. I cant protect them and so desperately want to. I miss him so much - i miss my husband.

My five year old son asked me three times this weekend if "daddy has dumped you yet", "has daddy broken up with you yet" and "does daddy still love you?"...he heard my H calling me names and told him to be nice to mommy because he doesnt want mommy to go and get a new daddy. I have told the children that I love their father very much. That I am not leaving their father. That I hurt their father very badly and daddy is to hurt to know if he loves me or not. That this is not their fault and they should know that mommy and daddy love them with all their hearts. I dont know what else I can say.

LOL I don't remember your piglet story. I give up.

HW, You and your family have already been added to my list of prayers..hang in there.

thank you stillhere... I have never fasted before. I dont think this will magically make my husband love me. I do hope I can some clarity and peace of mind. Some understanding of wht I should do for my family

Yes, I do think it can help you. I have never fasted, but i think it sounds like a good idea...It can bring you closer to god, and that can only be a good thing...I am hoping It helps bring you some peace, HW.

I am praying too.

he just called to say he thinks he should move out.
The constant verbal abuse and hatred and name calling makes me what to let him go.
But I love him and miss him at the same time. I want to hold him and help him heal and love him. I want to grow old with him.

If he leaves our children will be devatestated...I dont know what to do.

UGH..IDK if I am very good at this, but I dont think he should move out if he wants to make the M work...what does he say is the reason he wants to move out?

he wants to move out because he hates me and I am forever ruined to him.

We spoke again - he says he wants to try and love me but cant because it gives me the opportunity to hurt him again. So he should just leave so I wont hurt him again.

Did he really say he hates you and you are forever ruined to him?
This is just pure anger..I also said some pretty rotten thing to my WH when I first found out, but I still love him to this day...

Yes he wont trust you, probably for a long time...that is normal. And its normal for him to be afraid of being hurt again. This just happened in June, right? The wounds are still very fresh, so he is in a lot of pain...

Does he read the MB stuff at all..are you working on R the MB way? If not you should be. Get the books and have him read them. His needs and her needs, and surviving an affair are good ones to start...He needs to know what he is feeling is perfectly normal, but that your M can be Recovered and better than before. If that is what he wants.

Maybe this will show him how much you are willing to do to save your M. I just think if he leaves, it wont be impossible for R, but I think it makes it that much harder...

Actually HW, do you think he would post on here? Maybe some BS could help him...

he wont read books, he wont post on here and he says he doesnt care what other people think or say (to quote him)...i think i need to stop posting. I do worry he will find the MB site and my thoughts. I am tired of being scared allthe time. Of letting fear dominate my life. Fear I will hurt him with a thoughtless word. Fear of his words in anger out of the blue, fear he will leave and hurt the children, fear he will stay and never love me again. So much fear. fear we will never be happy again.

Oh, I am so sorry HW...I am gonna go think about this and Ill post to you tommorrow. I would worry about you if you didnt post anymore though, you are goin thru so much right now.

HW, still thinking of you and your sitch...How are you doing?

i am here - in a better place today.

Have you and WH talked anymore, did he leave?

I am glad you are in a better place today? If you ever feel like talkin or venting I am here a lot and if not thats okay too. Hang in there.

I told him i love him and want him to stay.
but - him hating me so openly, and treating me with distain in front of the kids is hurting them. The best path is for us to love each other, work on restoring our marriage. But if he can not - i respect his need to leave and heal apart from me. He said he wasnt ready to leave. He didnt know if he had to do that yet.
I said I understand and i respect his feelings. I also said That I understand he can not love me today. I dont expect him to trust me. But I asked if he would just throw his heart and soul into learning to love me again - with as much effort as he has put into hating me - that it would be a start. That we cant restore our marriage if he loaths me. He said he doesnt respect me. I asked if he sees anything good in me. He said I was a good mother, a good writer, a good cook and a good home maker. I asked if he respected me for those things. He said yes. I asked, do you love me as the mother of your children. he said yes. I said that it was a start. And we can work from there. He said he didnt know if he could. I asked - do you think it is impossible to love me again. He said no. He just doesnt know. I said okay. He was less hostile last night even before we talked. He didnt come home from work until 7PM - he gets off at 4:30. I was worried at first - he keeps talking of an Revenge affair. But it turns out he was just working on one of our project cars. When he got home, we worked on it together. He ate the dinner I had prepared for thekids. We put the boys to bed. then we had the discussion i noted above. Then - our ten year old came upstairs, said he couldnt sleep. I put our 10 yr old to bed. Then we went to bed. He let me kiss him good night - which is a change - normally he wont let me touch him. we started to cuddle and such but the five yr old came upstairs because of a bad dream. I tried to put 5 yr old to bed but he was in too much pain (he smashed his finger on sunday (er trip)...i had to let some of the blood out from under his finder nail, which hurt alot...poor baby. I then held him till he went to sleep. By the time i got to bed H was asleep. around 4AM i initiated SF - he didnt reject me and even kissed me twice (sometimes he will want SF but refuse to kiss me - it is an intimate act of love to him...more than just SF) SF again this am and a kiss goodbye before he went to work.

He doesnt know what he feels. He wants to love me again but fears I will cheat again. He has always had very bad anger problems. Our MC says I uncorked rage built up from years and years of problems (just not what I did). In the last week he has disowned his family, shut out all his friends. He is thinking about switching jobs. I am the focus of the rage, but its not all about me. But now - i am his outlet. He needs to learn to manage it. He needs to learn that if he gets a flat tire - its not related to what I did. Right now - all bad things are because of what I did. Before, when bad things happened, i was his balance (he said this last night). I brought stability to him. Now he is without my grounding affect and so he is spinning out of control. I used to soothe his anger, now I am the focus of it. He is confused and lost in his emotion. i hurt him and betrayed him,,,the one person in the world he trusted. So now - he trusts no one. its a scary and lonely place to be. And I dont know how to help him.

i just dont like putting this on a forum where every one can see. its so personal - i feel vunderable typing it out like that.

I completely understand..Thank you for letting me know how you are doin...It seem that he is opening up a little, he loves you, it is clear..he is just having a hard time trusting you, this is normal..

The bad thing is him takin all his anger out on you, but if he is getting help for that then that is good. I think as a FWW you might have to take some of his anger to help him vent..and you can never do enough to show him that he can trust you now, although it will take time before he does.

What you just posted sounds hopeful..after some time passes maybe you can talk to him about the stuff on here and how MB plan for marriage recovery sounds solid. Or you guys could talk to Dr. Harley or go for a MB weekend seminar...But I wouldnt push that yet, but I wouldnt give up on it either.

For right now just one day at a time, until he is ready for you both to do the work for a better marriage.

I think he has a lot of anger to work through first, in therapy i hope...and all you can do is keep reiterating that you are there for him and that you love him and want your marriage to work.

HW...please tell him that in order for you to cheat on him, you had to act out your feelings...which is part of what affairs are. You realize now that respect does not act out...it states, not demonstrates. You know that not enforcing that boundary around yourself led to destroying what you love most...yourself, your family and your BH.

Do not tolerate it from him, as your act of love and redemption. Another part to watch for is if you're DJing him...could be you're assuming he is acting out disdain...though he might.

Check yourself. There's no way you could have committed adultery if you'd been acting from respect every step of the way. Do that now. Check your DJs...aloud, especially. They are a big part of the wayward mind. Dump them now. Each time you catch yourself assuming or defining your BH, admit to it outloud...state what you just did, why you did it, and how and why you don't want to do it again.

Hold him to the same...again, remember how deeply you bought your own self-lies in order to cheat...to justify is to lie...do NOT justify his choices, his actions...and do not do so for your own.

Respect he can stop acting out...it's a choice, not a condition. Respect that he is choosing to stay without recommitting to the marriage. Up to you to know your own limits...as an act of love...how long you will go without knowing his choice...ask for clarity. Then share YOUR limits.

Stop the dj's like "I understand he cannot love me today" more lies. He loves you. He hates what you did, hates how he feels, hates having to take all these consequences from the actions YOU chose which he had no choice in.

Know the difference. Not knowing the difference gave you a wayward mindset. You're not free of it it. Get free of it. Choose differently.

Truly respecting his feelings is listening to know and understand...NOT accepting when he acts them out. That's not love. That's more fodder for your wayward mindset. Hurts recovery. And you HAVE to personally recover, no matter what he decides. That's yours...your responsibility. Solely yours.

Stop speaking through him and begin speaking TO him. "I am not trustworthy today. I want to rebuild your trust in me, and I know I have to rebuild trusting myself. I lied so much, so many times, I don't know where those lies end and truth begins. My job is to stop lying. Only way to rebuild my trust is to be transparent with you and myself. I'm doing that every day. That's my goal. That's what I'm holding myself to."

You cannot ask anyone to throw their heart and soul into anything. You lost that privilege...YOU throw your heart and soul into personal and marital recovery...YOU hold yourself to healthy boundaries, you FOCUS on you...not him...and you do not allow him to cross boundaries of respect, otherwise, I guarantee, YOU will do so again yourself.

He hasn't chosen the marriage or you, HW. What you can ask for is his deadline for making the real choice...to leave the marriage with the children, to leave the marriage without the children (as primary), or to stay and work on recovery for two years, and THEN decide to re-marry you at that time, or leave the marriage.

Sound off or crazy? At one point, our MC had us renewing our marital contract every three months...as long as we could conceivably commit...and my FWH took three months to decide what he was going to do. That was my limit, too.

You can restore your marriage if he loathes you right now. It's not forever. It's right now. He LOATHES what you did...and himself, a lot. You gonna be there to lead recovery, to heal him, to be his true ally...or are you going to continue in a wayward mindset, making your opinion fact? Telling him what can and cannot be? More lies to yourself. Stop doing that. You don't want more lies.

You totally don't respect yourself...so it's reasonable that he doesn't. He can, just like falling in love with you, respect you again. Respect, like trust, can be rebuilt. You have to do so for yourself, anyway. Why not do it maritally?

Your marriage can survive him not respecting you right now, too.

It cannot survive him acting from disrespect. Know the difference.

Stop making it all about you--how he sees you, what good, etc. You're an admiration TRAMP, woman...stop. YOU define who you are...asking others to do so got you to wipe out what you cherished most...you will cheat again and again until you really get this. Shortcuts lead to affairs...don't self-sabotage. Don't shortcut to feeling better through fantasy. Own that only you define yourself...and then you'll understand how much you lied to yourself through defining who your BH was...

You ARE wife, mother, writer, daughter, best friend...and adulteress. None of which are WHO you are.

Tell us if you can love, respect, admire your BH...if HE is a good father, BH, son, provider? Get into your heart and uncover how much you drove him into the ground in your mind and soul in order to betray your marriage. See him new today.

He is a human being, your equal, you decimated. That doesn't justify him decimating you. Your family. Justification is a lie. Don't buy into it.


Ask him to lay out the terms of recovery. Ask him if he can envision any better possible scenario than to be crazy in love with the mother of his children...and that you have made that YOUR goal. Tell you know he is capable, that his choices matter as much as yours...and you understand if he won't.

His fears are valid...you haven't changed the real reasons why you chose to cheat...get to them. For your protection and his...his anger is about him...coming from him. Up to him to resolve it. He can feel angry...tell you how angry he feels and why...he cannot act it out. That's the difference.

Stop with "he needs to know" crap. YOU need to focus on what you do when he acts out his anger...to protect your marriage and your kids. To hold yourself to new standards of conduct...to keep your promises to yourself. Your focus on him and what he does and doesn't feel, has to know, learn and understand will end your marriage.

All of those things are your responsibility, on you, about you. Focus.

He can balance himself...he is capable, able...it's a choice. He used you to complete him...instead of you both completing the Union. You did the same. Know this is normal and ends marriages...because that belief tells you each is defective without the other...incomplete, not enough...it worsens what we learned as children...and it's two partners in a lie.

Tell him you KNOW he can heal and personally recover from what you did...that you know you ripped out what seems like the fabric of his soul...his entire belief system in the world. It's true. You did. You knew how much he would hurt...even without understanding a human could hurt THIS much.

Part of rebuilding trust is making and taking predetermined progressive boundary enforcements around your behavior...when you cross the boundary of respect by DJing in your mind or in your words, you hold yourself to owning what you did right then, aloud to BH, why you did it (stinkin' thinking), and why and how you won't do it again. Not who you are. Not going to fantasy.

You do the same when he acts out...AO's, SD's and DJs you. State what the boundary crossing is and what you're going to do in that moment...what you're holding yourself to doing.

Demonstrates to him you will do what you promised even if you don't feel like it (feel more like retaliating or manipulating instead)...that rebuilds trust in yourself and in him...delivering on it through respectful, loving actions. Every time you take abuse from him, you are hurting him all over again. Stop doing that.

Please find and attend Alanon meetings...because another lie you both bought was that you could soothe his anger (like a child, when he's a man)...that you are now the brunt...when he hurts...where you go from monster to victim, and back again...from saint to martyr...

when all the time, in reality, you're human. You choose your perspective. He hurts. He feels anger. He comes home to you. He's struggling. You're struggling. And because of what you did, you both will, for years. Up to you to stop doing what you did before and truly see what it took for you to do destroy this much, dearest to your heart...

LA

Hi everyone! Since I lost all my recent posts, I decided to go back to my original imanotherone incarnation. (Was lazy last time and just set up a new version because I didn't remember my password.)
HW, I had no idea that you were also the victim of a violent assault. You should change your sig line--what happened to you was NOT a ONS. You need a lot more help with this.
I wish I could see your earlier posts again, because I had a totally different idea about your BH than I do now. I thought he was a peaceful and forgiving man. It sounds like he, too, is as violent as your rapists.
Please do not expose your children to this abuse. He desperately needs anger management counseling. Also, is he involved in the church at all?
What a horrible thing for you to endure. Sure, you weren't perfect. You made a mistake, but in my mind, it's not the same as a long term affair. You had one episode of weakness and came clean immediately. Your H should be working with you to strengthen things, not to punish you for all of his other grievances.
If he has isolated himself from his family, that's a serious sign, too. Are his family members violent as well? Trying to see if the isolation is a good thing, or if you should rally them for support.
Sorry to hear about this development.
Good to be back, everyone!

LovingAnyay - I dont think I make DJs. I go strictly off of waht he says. When he makes a statement I say - I hear you and understand what your saying to me. I dont try and twist his words to mean something else. When he says he hates me - he does. when I say he hates me its because he tells me daily "I truelly, truelly hate you - i sometimes think i feel love for you, but then my hate for you overwhelms me. I truelly loath you, you are tainted and ruined forever"

When asked "can you learn to love and trust again" he says "I dont know, i cant see the future, if you can , i want the winning lottery tickets too".

IF I ask him to not call me names or disrespect me he replies with "am I not allowed to feel things - this is how I feel right now - why cant I tell you how I feel - i am not allowed to having feelings in my house?"

I tell him I am being transparent - he has all my passwords and account info for everything (he actually logged on my blog and left some comments about me being a cheater and responsible for everything wrong in our family - i left it but changed the name to "my husband" when he saw that he removed the comments". I am accountable about my location. I have written EPM with him. He says he doesnt care - because I am a liar and so everything I say are lies - he tells me over and over again that he doesnt care what i do or "who you do".

I am focusing on me. I am focusing on our children. On providing them as stable and loving a home as possible. I focus on my relationship with God. I pray and meditate. I work on being what God says I should be as a wife. 2 Peter chapter 3 is something I read often (do not return evil for evil etc.)...

I know he can balance himself - just as I turned to him for strength and personal validation...i have learned to get my value from myself - from God...not his opinion of me. He needs to learn to get his balance and grounding from God and himself. I can not do it for him. I realize this.

when he lashes out I simply apoligize for betraying him and give him space. I spend time with children etc. I do not try to change his mind. I try not to DJ or do any of the LBs...his EN are foremost in my mind at all times.

his parents were abusive and alcohlics. he has much anger stored up against them.
i am not sure they can help us. i think time - and me being a consistant and loving presense in his life...that is what it will take. when ever he says he is going to leave and I dont fight against it - he back peddles. I dont know if he wants to go or not. If he is using it to hurt me or not. when I stopped arguing with him about the names he called me and just removed myself from him when he did it - he stopped calling me names. I do not wish to DJ so i will just repeat what he said
"I want my wife back - but you are different. I want my life back. I dont know if I can love you again or trust you. I want to forgive you, I want to love you, but then i think - if I forgive you, you get away with it. You get away with it and I cant allow that. Why should I work on this marriage when you destroyed it. You were my princess, my perfect wife. You were different from everyone. and now - your worse then the other women i dated. You hurt me worse than anyone else ever could. I never trust anyone...the only person i trusted did the worse damage to me. you helped me, you balanced out the areas i lacked, i thought you were perfect...but instead it turns out you were white trash"

That was last night. I love this man with all my heart and soul. i have some EPMs that I adhere to very tightly.


1. I am never alone with men. Ever. This is both for trust issues (I want to always be above reproach) and for practical reasons as well. Although I am convinced I will never cheat again (ever) I am also aware that I must begin by never placing myself in a situation where it would be an option. Because of my job, I occasionally have to meet or talk with men but I don�t go out to lunch or coffee with them. My boys get haircuts at a male barber that almost never has other women in it. I asked my father to take my sons for the haircut. I do not want my husband EVER to wonder again.
2. I do not have emotional attachments/relationships with members of the opposite gender (except family members). No old BF as friends, no old High School friends - no one. I had in the passed had Male friends - i would complain about H to them. I realize how this was disprespteful and how it crossed boundaries.
3. I am mindful of what I watch and Read. This is simple. Music, books or TV stories that glorify inappriopriate ideals can seep in and influence your behavior.
4. I do not do activities alone - i.e. go to lunch alone etc. I always have my husband, a family member or my children along. With time I can earn this back - but right now it causes him to have doubts and fears...
5. He has my passwords to everything. He can check my email account or my facebook page any time he wants. I have nothing to hide from him, and it feels amazing. I am completely O&H.
6. He has the power of veto on activy or relationship (POJA.)
7. I do not go online and "chat" with anyone - ever. mb forum posting - that is the exclusion to this rule. I do not provide personal contact info or interact with people one on one in email from forum. Putting everything out in open on forum adds accountability - but is also very scary for me. I have removed all male friends from facebook account - family and married, christian female friends only. I find that some single women have negative mind sets towards men and marriage that had influenced my behavior in the past.
8. I do not drink alcohol ever
9. I do not attend social events with out H - if he does not go - i do not go.

Humbled Wife, I am reading your posts a while already and wanted to ask you a question. You are saying that it was a fantasie of your husband to watch you with another man. Sometimes I am wondering if he is more angry with himself then with you for bringing it up in the first place. Would it made a difference if he would have been there when it happened?

imanotherone - also - i, for two years,engaged in online flirting with men - seeking ego stroking and attention. I made one attempt to meet a man (i lied and said just as friend. I convinced myself it was just for drinks - meeting at a bar with coworkers. I dont believe I intended to cheat - but i crossed boundaries and created the behavior that later allowed me to cheat). He never showed. I engaged in stupid and reckless behavior that lead me to that club in vegas, where I met that man. I then went willing to his room (although totally drunk) i was willing. The events the followed simply had humiliation and trauma to my betrayl. I was stupid, reckless. I could have been killed - thats how snuff films get made. I can not believe how dumb i was.

Yes - there is much in my husband to respect and admire. He is a good father. He is a good man. He has a good heart. He is just deeply deeply hurt, grieving. I have the strength and the patience to give him as much time as he needs.

At times I am overwhelmed - but I have a loving and supportive family around - parents and siblings. Friends. They know what I did. They love my H. They will give me the support and strength that I need to give him space and time to heal. They remind me of my purpose, my goal. They are their for my children. They will give him the support he needs - when he is ready to accept it. He isnt yet.

he has stated i ruined the fantasy - he was supposed to be there. He is angry he wasnt there.

I - am not willing to do that. I recognize the destruction that fantasy caused. It seriously messed with my head back then. I thought he COULDNT desire me without other men wanting me. I thought i wasnt good enough for him. In my mind, unless he saw other men wanting me - he didnt want me. I didnt realize how much he loved me and desired me on his own. The fantasy messed me up big time. Twisted how i thought of myself. it was not healthy.

loving anyway - what do you mean "You ARE wife, mother, writer, daughter, best friend...and adulteress. None of which are WHO you are."


Yes I see him new - this whole process has revealed myself to me (weakness and strengths) as well as him. He was this strong pillar of strong will to me - unbreakable (i thought). He was power to me - control - safety...except when he was angry. This vunerable side to him - confuses me honestly. He was confidence. Now - he only shows fear and hurt and pain and anger. Not to the boys. He has always been strong, playful and loving to my boys. He is an amazing dad. he was my biggest fan - now he is embarressed by me. He is thinking of switching jobs - for many reasons - but one is they know what i did there - and he wants a job where I can visit and he is not embarressed.

I can understand how it messed with your head and how you believed the things you believed then.

note i provide this info as an explanation on how i got so screwed up - i am responsible for my actions and for all the stupid decisions and selfish behavior that brought me to this place...it is more - a description of the road i took to destruction - not a justification for my horrible and henous behavior.

You dont have to explain that to me HW....You are doin the right thing now and that is what is important, you dont need to be so hard on yourself...

Humbled Wife, don't worry, I didn't take it as a justification.