My husband and I have been married for 2 years.
While he was recently deployed, i met up with an old friend.
My husband and I have not had a very good marriage, there has been some abuse on his side.
We also have a 2 year old together.
Anyway, while he was deployed, this old friend and I kind of got closer and closer, and next thing i knew, we were in a relationship, and i ended up getting pregnant.
I told my husband i wanted a divorce, and he will be home in a week.
Hes acting as if everything is okay, and he is not mad.
Hes very sneaky and spiteful, so im unsure of how he will act when he gets home.
The tricky part is this.
We lived on the military base in 'State 1'.
I had the affair in 'State 2'.
I am currently in 'State 3' where my family is.
He thinks i will remain here until he gets back.
I plan to go back to 'State 2' before he gets back so i can live with this new man.
'State 2' is my husbands homestate where his family lives.
I am against abortion so im keeping the baby.
Do u think my husband can get custody of our 2 yr old bc i had an affair?
Also; can he tell me where to live or who i cant live with?
We were married in 'state 2' & my daughter was born in 'state 3'.

I think your a being a very selfish woman and your husband has the right to see his child and moving to a new state to be with another man is unhealthy for your child. Not to mention while he was gone serving his country you his own wife betrayed him.

i want him to see his child, i dont plan on keeping her from him.

how is it unhealthy for her? what do u suggest i do?

It depends on where he files. Hopefully he will file against you in a fault state on grounds of ADULTERY so he can get full custody of his daughter and protect her from your sleazy lifestyle.

If you want to cat around like an alley cat in heat, how about leaving the little girl with the grandparents so she won't be exposed to your sleazy adultery partners? This is how little girls end up molested and abused.

That is just scandalous!

First of all does you husband know your pregnant? If there has been abuse on his side I would be careful when he gets home. And as for him getting custody There is nothing saying he will get custody if you have had an affair however if you are unstable or cannot provide your child he will likely get custody. I really am no pro at this I am new here as well due to an unfaithful wife. But I would suggest doing the obvious and just discussing the matter with your husband and try to come to an agreement. I'm sure one of the vets will be able to help you better.

No he doesnt know; do u think i should tell him.

Just to make sure I have this right.

1. You intend to live with your affair partner.

2. You are pregnant by OM and want to keep the baby and are worried that your H will take the child from you and OM.

3. You have no problem taking your H's child from him while you run off to live with OM.

4. You think your H is sneaky and spiteful and apparently you don't think you "sneaky and spiteful."

Have I got this about right? I want to make sure before I say anything else.

JL

His family is abusive towards their children.

HE HAS CHEATED ON ME, HE HAS HURT OUR DAUGHTER PHYSICALLY, HES MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TOWARDS ME. HE TALKS TO OTHER WOMEN BEHIND MY BACK. I HAVE BEEN FAITHFUL UNTIL NOW, HE HAS NOT.

THE OTHER MAN IS GREAT TO MY DAUGHTER, & SHE LIKES HIM.

You forgot:

5. You put your H life at risk by telling him of your infidelity while in a combat zone.

By the way, news like that tends to take your mind off the mission and risks his attention which in turn puts him and his fellow Soldiers at greater risk of harm.

You do realize this is Marriage BUILDERS, right?

O0 YA; MY HUSBAND HAS A GIRLFRIEND AS WELL. NOW THAT HE KNOWS I WANT A DIVORCE.

I have serious doubts that you are a real poster on this site.

If you are for real from your very short posts I don't believe that he has been abusive either, this is all your wayward crap.

Give more of your story or get out of here and stop wasting the time of the people who want to help.

The OM is a scumbag who wants to destroy your daughter's family. Only a LOSER shags a married woman. Any man who shags a married woman and then has the lack of conscience to look her child in the face has no conscience.

The problem is that your daughter may learn right from wrong from other sources when she gets older and will know what you did. She will find out what adultery means.

Revenge affairs are not the answer.

The abuse wasn't mentioned in your first post. That being said, you had the right to separate, the right to divorce, but not the right to have the affair. Just my opinion.

I encourage you to read the material on this website and learn about what it takes to be a true, healthy marriage.

1. Break up with your OM. He's every bit as trashy as you will stay, till you take some concrete steps to repent. You can rid yourself of the stain of adultery, but not until you STOP!!!

2. Divorce your BH if what you say about abuse is true.

3. Before you even THINK about bringing another man into your poor, sad DD's life, get your own life and head straightened out. What you and her father have been teaching her is sickening. It's not too late to change that, and give her a chance at a decent life.

4. Are you a troll?

Okay.
The other man is someone i was talking to when i was going through a divorce about 11 months ago.
I ended the divorce and tried it with my husband again, it didnt work.
So when my husband left, i went back to try things with the other man.
I really do love him and realized i never loved my husband.
The other man is not a scumbag.
He didnt want to pursue anything while i was married, but we had a lot of feelings for eachother, not just sexual.
My husband and his whole family is abusive, ive witnessed them beat their toddler children, and he thinks that its fine behavior.

I dont want to be with my husband, and i know i want to be with the other man, i feel it.
i dont want to hurt my daughter in any way because she is #1 right now.
& i have a baby on the way.
im confused and hurt.

Can you give us more of the story? In chronilogical order?

Nesre

He is a bum. Only a bum would shag a married woman while her husband was deployed in the military.


He got you pregnant while you were married. Your feelings do not erase your adultery. People feel like stealing, it does not mean it is right.


And you abuse your husband by committing adultery. You abuse your daughter by teaching her that wrong is right and dragging her into a filthy affair. You are teaching her that "feelings" justify any kind of wrongdoing.

I am only going to say one thing. Then I must leave this thread to protect my sanity. I need to go get a mind bath.

Billionz:

Do you understand that you are re-writing who your husband is and what he has done in your mind solely for the purpose of justifying your sleazy affair?

If you do not understand what I am saying, fine. Let me say it another way. Professionals such as Child Protective Services, Judges, Lawyers and the like will spot the truth within seconds of you walking in the door. You won't even have to say a word. Do NOT in any way think from this moment on that you have one single unique thought in your head.

You don't. You are following a movie script called "Cheating wives talk." And not a word you are saying hasn't been said any number of times. If you are telling the truth about your husband, and I doubt it after reading your posts, why the heII didn't you already do something about it?

IF YOU HAVE SEEN TODDLERS BEATEN, WHY DIDN'T YOU GO TO CPS? Any rational human being would have done exactly that. This is why I doubt your story.

But I do think that somewhere in the back of you mind, where the private you lives, there must be shame.

Cheating on your husband solved, what?

Larry

If you're for real, you've come crashing in with a chip on your shoulder.

What are you hoping to get from MB?

I still believe you are a troll here but I can't resist.

The other man is a pile of dog crap. He is screwing a married woman how can you not see that he is a piece of sh*t? Because you are nuts because you are wayward.

You have a 2 year old daughter from your husband and now you whored around for a second time with the same man and got knocked up. I hope your kids somehow grow up to have good lives but with you as a mother I don't know how that will happen.

And stop with this abusive crap. Why did you marry him if you have seen that his whole family is abusive?

I'm trying to find where Dr. Harley talks about women leaving their marriage after they have a landing strip to go to. I guess he said that. I was told he said that. I would like to see his quote sometime.

My only question if he said it or not, is why women who want to leave their husbands, often find a sewer instead of a landing strip.

I am so out of here.

Larry

If his family beats their toddler children give examples. I think you are full of crap.

You married your husband because you were in love with him. Don't try to rewrite your past.

But you have now F'ed everything up so bad I don't think there is anything you can do.

Ok in order this is what happened.
We got together in 2004.
Dated on and off, unhealthy relationship, lies, cheating.
Thought we could get through it, i got pregnant in 2006.
Had baby in 2007.
He never worked or supported me throughout the whole pregnancy, never gave me a dollar.
He joined the military when the baby was 3 months old.
Still i had hope for us, tried to work it out for our daughter.
We got married in 2008 after his bootcamp, so we could move to the base together.
We were both not 100 percent ready for marriage.
The marriage was full of emotional abuse, and the military did not help.
We struggled with money, alot.
He would talk to other girls behind my back, and say things you should NOT say when you are married.
He would spend hours on the phone with other women while working overnight at work.
He would constantly lie.
He would be verbally abusive in front of our daughter.
I left in 2009, to my parents house in another state where i previously lived before moving with him.
I told him i wanted a divorce.
I stayed separated from him for 6 months.
During those months we were agreably not together.
I was only talking to this man 'W'.
We had a connection, but never took it further than friends.
We felt something for one another, for sure.
My husband came to see me after those 6 months, and we got back together.
When i got back I suggested marriage couseling, it failed because he would threaten me that if i told the therapist the truth, things would get bad.
So after 3 months, he got deployed.
Our problems werent solved, and i never got feelings back.
So while he was gone, he knew things were not good.
I went to another state where we lived, and met up with 'W'.
The feelings between us were too much to control, and i fell in love with him.
I was with him for 4 months, and just found out last week that i am pregnant.
'W' wants to make a life together, is willing to pay for my divorce, and support me and my child.
My husband is coming home from deployment in a week, and knows we are getting divorced.
He says hes not mad, and ive seen in his emails that he has a new girlfriend.
He didnt tell me, but i saw it.
My husband doesnt know i had an affair, or that i am pregnant.
He says 'go ahead and be with someone else, trust me, im not stopping u and i wont hold it against you'.
I want to move in with 'W', because he wants to be there for me during the pregnancy.
Right now i am in my parents house, and its not where i belong.
This is my whole story.
I am only 22.
I am hurt, and confused, and I dont know what to do.
So please dont be so rude, thank you.

I do not have any money of my own, i do not have a home of my own. I am so lost in this world right now. I dont have the first clue of what to do, I want to be a good mother to my daughter, she is my life.
I know i f'ed up, majorly.
But i cant go back, i can only move forward.
I need help, and guidance.

Do your parents have any sense? Can they help you before you screw up TWO kids instead of ONE?

Do they know you have got yourself knocked up by this other loser so maybe they can get custody of the 2 year old?

Young lady, your life thus far has been series of stupid choices based on the feeling of the moment. And here you are poised to make another stupid, tragic decision based on your silly feelings that will affect your daughter and this unborn child.

Speaking of which, have you ever heard of birth control? Do you know where babies come from?

Do you mean this?

My dad is not in the picture.
My mom says i never take her advice, and i wish i would have.
But she doesnt give advice now, because she knows i do not listen.
I dont want to lose custody of my daughter, and im pretty sure she would go to her father, before my mother? Correct?
I do not want him to have full custody, he will not be a good parent to her, he sometimes forgets he is watching her!
The birth control, it failed.
I am against abortions.
What do you suggest i do?

YES i mean that. I am being as honest as possible.

Billonz

As a Former WayWard, alcoholic, ONS- Retaliatory Affair after I sobered up, former verbal and physical abuser, Currently Betrayed spouse-All with the same Wife-We may have some common ground but I just cant buy into any mother allowing ANYONE to abuse their children.

Even in my F'd up life I wouldn't have allowed it and in no way would my Wife.

When you share more people will open up. You will get some 2x's along the way and if this story is true then some agressive steps need to be taken.

Nesre

My husband gave me money while he was away, when i said i wanted a divorce, he cut me off. He gave me $80 for my daughter for a month. Thats all. The only house we had, was on the base. Which i no longer can go to.
I dont have a car, because he took it.
I have nothing.
I may have had an affair, because no one can tell me how to feel.
But i was truly unhappy.
This other man makes me incredibly happy.
He appreciates me for who i am, and is far from a loser, i swear.
Im in a tough situation.

& on top of everythin, his mother is gettin involved, and packing up her stuff to go live in our house we had. Shes going to baby him and help him through this. She lied to him about everything. Saying i did a million things wrong i did not do, like ruining his car, and so on. He switched the power of attorney to her name, and gave over $1000 to her. Since hes in the military he only gets 2 days to leave the stated for a short vacation, and he has already made plans with his girlfriend, and his old friends, to go out and spend time with them, instead of focusing on his daughter.

His mothers quitting her job, and moving her 10 year old out of state, to baby her son. It is ridiculous, because i want to make this divorce go easily, and he knows that. but his low class family is tryin to make it harder.

I don't expect you to listen to me anymore than you do your mother, but I will just give this a whirl. I suspect, though, that you are not strong enough to overcome your feelings and won't be able to follow a sane, rational plan, but I could be wrong. Maybe you will surprise me.

The first thing I would do is lose the bum. [OM] You have to learn to judge men by their ACTIONS, not by their words. Scumbags will say whatever it takes to get in your pants, but a good man would never DO a married woman. The fact that he climbed into bed wtih you, reflects 2 things: he has no respect for you and he has no respect for marriage. He has spit in your face and you don't seem to get that. THEREFORE, it would be stupid to pursue a relationship with him. He is a loser and there is no future with a loser.

Secondly, I would tell your H the whole truth about your affair and that you are pregnant. Tell him if he wants to stay married to you, he will have to attend anger managment courses and marriage counseling. He will never abuse you again. He will have to get himself under control before you will ever consider living with him again.

And lastly, I would give the baby up for adoption. That baby deserves to have 2 sane parents in a stable home and you cannot provide that. Do something GREAT, do something RIGHT and give that child the best chance in life.

The next thing I would do is get a job and enroll in college. Stay with your mother and take advantage of her support by getting a degree when you can get her help to raise your daughter.

Not that it needs to be said ML, But you are amazing.

Billionz

Thanks for sharing more of your story.

Nesre

Thanks, Scotland.

And billionz, one more thing: stop dating altogether. You don't have good judgment when it comes to men and your daughter does not need to be exposed to any of your MEN. That is how little girls end up molested and abused. Having her around your filthy affair just confuses her and teaches her that wrong is right. Don't teach her to be a skank. You might be able to get away with that NOW, but that will start to screw with her head when she is about 4.

As a military wife you can still go to the nearest military installation and find legal/JAG - ask questions about your rights.

Find a pro bono lawyer so you can file for a divorce.

Don't live with your OM right now. Go live with your mom, aunt, relative that will have you and your daughter until you figure things out. If your OM is serious about you he will wait.

Go to school.
Get a job.
Go to parenting classes.

Just to add to Pep and Mel's wonderful advice:

Develop your own personal code of ethics!
You really need a moral compass.
Your whole world is in chaos, because you don't make decisions based on your values.



Why? Religious reasons? Don't get me wrong -- I think that is great! But how can you be "against" abortions, and "for" adultery?

Its really easy to say things, Billionz.
Its easy to SAY that you want the best for your daughter.
But you have to do more than that -- you have to BE the best for your daughter.

Having a man in your life is NOT the priority.

Yes, Lexxxy.

This girl needs to develop herself as a person, as a grown woman.
A person/woman with her own code of ethics, her own identity which does not depend on the reflected identity she finds in a relationship.
There is no there, there.
As things stand, she is an appendage to a man.
She's just changing the face of the man she has attached herself to.

Hopefully you'll end this experience against abortion and adultery both.

Its just such a shame that at age 22, when she really SHOULD be entirely self-focused and doing the primary work of growing up -- that she has burdened herself with so many obstacles.

Billionz -- this is the time in your life when you should be deciding who you want to be, and how you're going to accomplish it. Being a wife and mother are great choices -- but it strikes me that you didn't "choose" it...it just happened to you.

Stop letting things happen to you, and start making some positive CHOICES. Like going to school, like going to church, like being a good role model to that little girl. Be able to take care of yourself -- without relying on a man.

Start applying for some scholarships and financial aid -- so that YOU can provide a home for you and your children -- and get a foundation under you so that you don't have to depend on someone to take care of you. Choose a career so that you can provide for you and your children.

Don't jump into a relationship until you have evaluated whether or not this person fits YOUR criteria. Right now you don't even know what your criteria should be! So now is NOT the time for you to be in any relationship.

OMG, This thread is HILARIOUS

Billionz you sound EXACTLY like my wife when she was wayward, it's uncanny!!!!

The Claims of abuse
The whining about me cutting her off financially
The claims of true love with OM
The claims of never loving me
So on and So forth

It's so tragic, it's funny!

My only advice is if your husband really is abusive, and really is an adulterer (And your not just making that up in your head, which is very likely)
then you do divorce.

But your relationship with OM is doomed. And no matter how you sugar coat it, you ARE an Adulterer!

Billionz .... where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Doing what? Having accomplished what?


If you don't get smarter, and make better choices, you will wind up as one of those women who has 4-5 kids, ALL with different fathers.

Does that sound like your "dream come true" ?

Im leaving next week to live with the other man.
The weekend after, i will speak with my husband about arrangement for divorce.
Not sure how it will go, but im going to be strong.
I am going to get a job, save some money, put my daughter in a little school program, and start my life.
I eventually want to go to cosmetology school, and i will.
I feel this is the best choice, because my family i am staying with right now is not where i belong, they are driving me insane.
Thanks everyone for all your opinions.
Im going to make better choices in life.

Adultery is never a "better choice." It is a MISTAKE. A tragic mistake that will damn two children instead of one. I predict the only thing that will wake you up is a stint in the school of hard knocks. Sadly, your children will have to pay for your lack of judgment and common sense.

If you hear nothing else here...please consider adoption. You have the opportunity to give your unborn child [as well as some lucky couple] a wonderful gift.

Mr. Wondering

Amen,

Better choices don't include living with some guy who happened to get you pregnant.

So from what you say, apparently you've not yet started to make those better choices.

You cite that your husband is an abuser. Let's assume that's true. Your affair proves that you are every bit his equal in that regard. So let's not forget that.

So how are you going to get away from the abuse you perpetrate on others?

Divorce your husband or work on your marriage, you can probably make a good case for each.

Case for divorce:

1. You assert your husband is abusive.
2. You demonstrate you are abusive by choosing an affair.
3. You assert your husband cheated.
4. You are pregnant with another man's baby.
5. You married young, and likely for all the wrong reasons.

Case for working on the marriage:

1. You made a promise to your husband that you would love him, forsaking all others.
2. You have a child with him.
3. Marriage, when done right, isn't easy, but it typically makes one a better person when they end their love busting behavior and work to meet their spouses emotional needs. They become better in all relationships when they begin to live like the whole world is not about them.

Even if you divorce your husband, please don't live with the other man. You've been given some great advice. Give up the new baby for adoption. Let an established family who is unable to have children raise the child, rather than subjecting your children to a parade of boyfriends and lovers for the next 20+ years. Go back to school, learn a skill that allows you to support yourself so you have choices. Otherwise, you remain dependent and vulnerable to any man who will have you.

If I were your father, (and I'm old enough to be your father) that's what I'd advise my daughter to do in your circumstance.

Living the guy what was of shallow enough character to sleep with a known married woman would not be one of my recommendations.

Didn't you say in an earlier post that you wished you had listened to the advice from your mom? She must be driving you insane now because she is trying to get you to do the right thing and you don't agree.

You have not said how old this OM is. You said you were 22 and I'm assuming he is older since you said he was willing to pay for your divorce. How much older is he?

You have gotten some good advice here, you should try and listen to it.

Living with the OM is not going to free you of your problems. Stay home and get yourself together whatever you decide.

They cheat with you they will cheat on you. See you back here in a couple of years.

Listen to Mel, Lexxy, Pep and all the rest who are coming down hard on you. They are paying you the respect of not feeling sorry for you. Probably just like your Mom has tried.

The OM might be a nice guy in some ways but he has no respect for marriage or for you or he would have told you to see a social worker, therapist, Shrink instead of taking atvantage of you. Yep thats what he did.. Sorry hes not your knight in shining armor. hes a new excuse for you to not take care of your life like you should be.


I have compassion for mixed up kids who make mistakes but when they have a choice and hide from good advice I let them hang themselves so they can learn. You are at a crossroads where you can grow up and change your life. If you don't get help you will spiral down untill help is forced on you. By social workers in the system or is this drama escalates and you do not seek help from professionals, maybe jail time if someone gets violent.

Get counselling both legal and personal and trust something else for saftey than your emotions because you are young and you have your life and your childrens life ahead of you. You have to make the changes and seek and accept the counsel from others who,like it or not, know more than you do.

Trust your heart to an authority that loves you and wants to guide you. God loves you. People will only love you conditionally. They are limited because they are human just like you. Stop using Gods people to feed your emotional rollercoaster or it will catch up to you. You are not an innocent victim here. Stop blaming everybody else for your problems.

Please get some help for Gods sake

Hi Bil

Right now you are in a fairly desperate state, This OM seems the answer to all your prayers.

He has come along and been your knight in shining armour. As my FOM seemed to me when I felt trapped in an abusive M.

But it will not last. A relationship started in these conditions is doomed to failure: you are young, you will have 2 small children how will you have the time to forge a true relationship? Please don't put your daughter through another short lived relationship. Take this opportunity you have been given to start afresh with yourself.


Get the divorce. Go cold turkey with the OM and find out who you are. Don't ask your mum for advice, ask for her help and support as you try to raise these children.

Find out why you were in an abusive relationship to start with. I thought my OM had rescued me, it was 18months in or so when I realised that I was allowing him to control me in a similar way I allowed my H to at the start of our R. Who knows where that may have gone and the A continued.


Please don't move in with this man because he says he loves you now and he can provide for you financially.

Try to work out how you came to be in this position in the first place.

Please take heed of what sortedsomeout has said.

***EDIT***

I agree with what staytogether says.

Get the divorce from WH.
Get away from OM
Go live with Mom - it will be hard but it's a better choice than OM.

Figure out what you want to do with your life to support these children. You can do it.

Stand up for yourself girl, your worth it trust us.

If I were you I would be mad at myself and whomever this world has assigned to pull the wool over your eyes. See if this rings a bell...


"The kisses of an enemy are decietful, but the wounds of a freind are faithful"

These two things are mutually exclusive.

It sounded like she was saying goodbye to us in her last post. Typically we all come down hard on someone when they first get here and they have made such grave mistakes like this poor girl did. The thing is.. she is one of the willing victims who is believing she needs some guy and doesn't know she needs a source that loves her without needing her. What kind of Father did she have for this to go on in her head.

I really don't care how right I was in my assesment or how smart I might seem or even how MB I am.

All I care about really is that she gets help somewhere. I don't really believe we are so gifted that we didn't need help one time ourselves nor do I doubt that "There but for the grace of God go I"

I guess its one way to see if they are seriuos, to hammer them. But if she doesn't get help our words were wasted and its a shame. Or maybe shes a troll and Im a sucker? Then the help she needs is beyond this forum anyways.

I truly hope she takes heed and reads here to expand her mind and options but we may never know now.

Well young lady, if you read here and it all seems like greek and you don't understand why we all came down on you. Open your ears and mind and develop the disipline that everyone needs to have a healthy relationship, first with yourself, then maybe with others when your ready. If you apply yourself here you will not regret it. Welcome to the real world of adult relationships and here is the witty one liner I will leave you with. Please forgive me for being such a smarta$$

"If you want to pee with the Big Dogs ya gotta lift yer leg high"

Many ppl here can help you if you will let them