I have been to several forums and they seem to not want to save a marriage but to end them, I want to save mine. I love him with all my heart and then some. He had an emotional affair that started last October 2009 and I found out in Feb, 2010. I confronted him with cell phone calls on bill and he said they were just friends. He made 38 calls and she made 13 in 10 days.
That was around Valentines Day and he told me he wanted us just forget everything and start all over. He gave me candy and a nice card. I thought it was over and I forgot about the whole thing. I trusted him and there was nothing else to suggest otherwise.
Then in July,2010 he started having all sort of reasons for being late from work that involved his job. He worked in retail sales and I know they don't let you put in the amount of overtime he was being late. I asked him about this and he said he was working overtime driving and training for a management position and he was working and training so it made him have more hours.
He called me one night and said he was making a couple of late deliveries and didn't know what time he would be home, maybe around 11pm. He had told me this on a lot of days and I told him I didn't think anybody would accept deliveries that late at night. He would get mad and say they did and he had to deliver. On one of the nights that he called he said he had two late deliveries and they were in different towns and it would be a while before he got home. I questioned the times for deliveries again and he still said that people take them when they can get them delivered all the time.
I was in town on my way home to make supper, when he called and told me he would pick up something so don't make supper, to go and pick me up something, if I didn't want to cook that late. The interstate is in town and I kept thinking something doesn't sound right. He worked off the interstate exit about 30 minutes from where I was in town. I thought you know, if I go there and see if his truck is in the parking lot then I could trust him and it would make me feel better about what he said about delivering at night. It had a lots to do with the Feb,2009 phone calls and he wasn't expecting supper anyway, so I had plenty of time to go check and I could trust easier. As I was driving, I kept thinking to my self, are you sure you want to know? I reasoned yes, I wanted to believe him and this way I could and he would never know I checked.
When I got to his parking lot I knew where he always parked so I went there first. No truck, I rode all over that parking lot and the store next to it and no truck anywhere. I started to fill panic and thought about checking some other places but I could of rode all night and still not found the truck. I rode around the lot one more time and got back on the interstate to go home in disbelief.
On the way home I called him and asked if he had any of the deliveries finished and he yes and they canceled the other one till in the morning. I asked him was he back at the store yet with the delivery truck and he said not yet but shortly. I said, how long before you will be home and he said about 45 minutes. There was no way he could of got the delivery truck back to where he worked and got home in 45 minutes.
I got to the exit that I needed to get home and stopped to turn. There is a store across from the exit and while looking to turn I saw his truck in the store parking lot. I just sat there trying to make sense of this because there was no way he could of got there before I did. I pulled a little in front of his truck and got out of the car. He was sitting in the truck talking on his cell phone and never saw me walking up to the truck. I knocked on the drivers window and he nearly jumped out of his skin. He rolled down the window and I said you lied to me. I just got back from where you work and you have beat me home. I told his truck was no where in the parking lot and he told me he parked at the Walmart next door. I got in my car and left him sitting there trying to figure his next lie.When he got home about 30 minutes later, I began to question him and he said no matter what I say you will not believe me so I am not saying anything. He got up and showered, then went to bed.
He had put mine and his cell phone on his daughters family plan and when she paid it on the computer at my house I saw her enter the cell phone password. The next day I decided to check him out on the cell phone because they have detailed billing. The same number as before was on the bill, texting and calling by both all hours of the day and night. I lost my temper and sent him a text and asked him if that number was familiar to him because he had so many calls to and from that number and it was the same one from Feb, 2009. He didn't call me back and while I was reading them for the four months all of a sudden I got jammed and couldn't do any other pages. I thought it was the computer but now I know he called and had his daughter or son in law shut it down and they changed the password on the account. I had a couple of days already printed but couldn't get the others printed or back into the account.
He didn't come home that night till about 11pm and went straight to the shower and bed without saying a word. He spent all night out coming in late the next night. he did that for about 3 weeks. He started coming home more reasonable after afterwards. I didn't argue with him but when he was out after 12pm I kept sending him texts and he wouldn't text back or answer the phone. So I sent the same Mickey Mouse multimedia message he had sent me once that said I Love You in Micky Mouses Voice. I also kept sending him text saying what time it was and did he know where my husband was at? I did this so I could run his phone battery down and aggravate him with trying to see who was sending him text. It worked!! He finally got smart and bought him a car charger for the phone, but that meant he had to leave it in the truck to charge while he was working so no calling his girlfiend for a while.
The month of July was awful for me, he did all kind of things. He put clothes for spend the night and said he was taking them just in case. I looked in his truck windows and saw dirty clothes where he would change and put them back in the truck. He rode somewhere with his daughter and I used my truck key to search the truck. I found Viagara in the driver side pocket. I took it out and threw them in the fish pond.
He caught me not paying attention and got my truck key off my keyring but not before I had already got me some evidence in the truck. A motel receipt and a few other things. He wanted to know what I took out and I said a motel receipt, his comment was for a side job he was going to do after work. I finally figured out that it was a woman he was working with because upon spying her car was always parked next to his truck at work.
I told his daughters about him having an affair and they wrote him a letter saying they disapproved but he never told me, the keylogger I put on the computer told me his email password. I printed it out and saved it for evidence. There were other comments in the letter but I won't put them here.
The middle of August he changed jobs and started driving on the road making short deliveries. I thought maybe he was doing that for us so he wouldn't see her everyday. We were barely speaking but finally a little at a time he was nicer to me.
In September he had to pay his cell phone bill and he was having problems being home the same time his daughter was home. So I saw him paying the cell phone bill and I stayed away acting not interested. I knew the keylogger would take care of that for me. I put it off for a week not checking on him. Finally he started making excuses why he couldn't complete a run without having to spend the night somewhere he was just too tired to come home. He went a week and only came home twice. These were round trip eight hours he had plenty of time to complete them and be back home.
Finally, I had to check the cell phone records. I got a years worth printed. I found out she started calling him last October 2009 and finally he started calling her back. To start with he wasn't calling her back till the next day. Then she kept calling so he started calling her too. I was smarter this time I printed them all and saved to hard drive and disk. They are also stored somewhere else. I just kept the information to my self and was going to tell him later if I got a good reason to tell him. He would always tell me that making phone calls didn't prove anything was going on but talking on the phone.
In August he changed his bank account and didn't put me on the account. He has his bank statement going to his daughters house to keep me from seeing the statements. I asked him about it and he said I caused it by threatening to throw him out of the house. I asked him once if he had ever been thrown out of the house before and he said no. He has been married twice before me and I didn't find out till we were married he has a history of cheating on his wife. That is why I asked him about the being thrown out question.
I told him not to text or call her in my home because that was the same thing as her being here. I told him he was rubbing my nose in it and not to do that. I figured if they were texting at least that meant they wasn't together. He would answer her text in the living room at least I think it was her. They were texting when he went to bed at night. He was texting her when we would go places to eat together, while out make his truck routes all hours of the night and day.
September 27th,2010 I called him and asked him to meet me at the grocery store. He wouldn't give me money for anything any more so he would go with me to the grocery store. He had already called and told me he was on the way home. He met me and we got groceries together. He was nice and friendly the last few weeks of that month. We got home I fixed him some supper and put groceries away. He was watching tv so I came in the room with him for a while. He wouldn't talk much to me anymore. He said I am going to bed because he showered while I was cooking. I told him I am going to feed the dog and take a shower and I am going to bed too. I walked in the bedroom and he was sitting on the edge of the bed texting at 10pm at night. I asked him if he was talking to that woman again? He said no I was just checking to see if I had any texts, not talking with anybody. I said I asked you not to call her from in the house and he said he wasn't. He put the phone on the charger and I went to take my shower. Something told me go back in the bedroom. I did and he was texting her on the phone. I had a fit and told him I wanted to see who he was texting and he said no and cupped the phone in his hands. He wouldn't show me and was grinning at me because he thinks it is funny when I get mad. I hardly ever do get mad. I said its not funny I am serious and you keep this up and that phone may go in a glass of water one night. He jumped out of bed and said he was tired of this and he was leaving. I said where you going? He said I don't know but somewhere. I said if you leave don't come back. He left and 2 days later he came by his daughters house. I had put his clothes in trash bags on the side of her driveway and he was furious.
He called a deputy and they came to our house. I saw him come in the driveway. The deputy car was behind him. I went outside and asked him what is going on? He said you can't take my things out of this house. He told the deputy to tell me. The deputy said you can't take his things out of the house, the house is marital property. I told the deputy that he has been at his girlfriends house for the last 2 days and I just packed him up a few clothes and left them at his daughters house so he would have some clean clothes to wear. The deputy said he did say he has been gone a few days. Its sort of funny now but not then. We went back into the house.
He told me I was going to find myself in jail if I took anything else out of the house. I told him that I would put anything else I needed out in his tool house. He left and went to the other woman and has been there ever since that day. I wish a lot of thimes I didn't do that. At least he was here and I had a small part of him and could sleep with him at night. I miss him so bad I just wish I had it to do over again. But he was rubbing it in my face and I think he was going to do it anyway. Now I want him to come home I was trying to make him choose and I thought he would choose me.
The ow is in her late 30's or early 40's and he is 53 and he told me that the age had a little to with it when I asked him about her. She has 3 teenages and his girls are 30 and 27. Her kids are just a little older than his grandkids. He is parading her around in front of his family and the grandkids. It is so embarassing to me but the grandkids are what concern me the most I have seen all but one of the born and she was 17 months old when I met him and a teen now. WE have been together 12 years and married 7years. We always have been so good together no fussing enjoying each others company. I called her in July and left her voicemail and I told her who I was. I told her to stop calling my husband and if she needed somebody to talk to call me. She never responded. She knows he is married to me yet she still kept after him. She now has him in the house with her and her 3 teenagers. He doesn't have much patience with kids but I am sure he is pretending to now. I tried and tried all year to compete with her and I just can't win him away from her. The kids daddy died last year and they were divorced over 5 years before he died. She has been married twice. I don't know her name but I got her car tag number and what county she lives in. He says he don't know what he wants and has to figure some things out.
He said he sees us getting back together but don't know when. I asked about Christmas and Thanksgiving and he said he don't know where he will be. I think he will be with her.
He calls me at night when he is driving his truck but I have to all the talking he just listens. I have been trying to do the plan a with him. The first 2 weeks he wouldn't call or text me now he calls 3 or 4 times a week. But he is still with her and he won't talk about what his plans are only he doesn't like living in somebodys house. I told him to rent him a place and move her in with him and he said that s not going to happen. I told him he didn't have to live with her he could of got an extended living hotel room. He is still living with her. I told him now he is with her she will think they are going to get married. He said that s not going to happen and she don't want to get married anymore.
He left me with no job and he doesn't pay anything here after last month. I got enough money to keep me for a month or so and I am looking for a job. How long you think before the fantasy ends if he still talks to me and told me he sees us back together.
My God, my poor lady. The level of emotional abuse this man has heaped upon your poor head makes me feel ill. I hope some of the vets will be here to help you soon. I wish I could, but all I can think of is why would you ever wish to be with a man who has shown you that much disrespect and abuse! You are worth so much more than to ever allow yourself to be treated in this way. God Bless You.
I hope you are feeling a little better today!
Hi there,
I would just like to say I'm sorry you are going through all you are.....
Your husband is being very mean to you and I know it must hurt you very much.
All you can do at this point is to take care of yourself the best you can, keep looking for a job and go talk to a lawyer about your rights, he is responsible for you financially, he can't just leave you with nothing........
Force him to at least own his responsibilies......that's not being mean that is what he owes you.......don't feel bad about that..........
Tell him when she is out of his life for good you would consider working on the marriage until he makes that decision tell him you can't and won't talk to him...
Tell him you will speak to an attorney and that the attorney will contact him with a separation agreement since this is what he has decided he wants......
Then take care of yourself, let him feel the brunt of what he has decided.....
Let's see if the fantasy of the OW is worth it all.......my guess will be she won't, he is just trying to buy time to spend with her, don't let him..........be nice but firm...
Expose the affair to everyone that is important to him.......and let the pieces fall where they may.......
Dear God, CT. I don't even know where to start with this.
Your H is actively in an A.
He is abusing you in the worst possible way and plans to continue doing so.
My suggestion would be to immediately go to Plan B and contact an attorney regarding your legal rights. And I mean Plan B as in getting an IM to run interference so you have NO contact with him. He is getting EN's met when he hears your voice.
Hi and thanks for the comments. I am doing the plan A for a while for several reasons. I myself still need the emotional need of hearing his voice for a while. That is what has helped me to survive this and gives me strength for right now.
This past year he has been pushing me back from his feelings so he could get to the point of being able to be with this woman. Even though he was doing that he still was not able to end all his feelings for me. He was pulling to her and then back to me then back to her he didn't know what he wanted and I could feel that was what was going on. To get to the point of letting go you have to get where you feel one thing is worth more than another. I forced him by taking out his clothes to make a decision and so because I needed to make him choose. I wish I had been here before I did that and got some advise but its already done now. He had to face reality.
I understand how it looks to you people here I know he was going to leave soon he was already getting things lined up he thought, changing his bank account and sending it to his daughter's house. Even though he was doing that he was having doubts and couldn't act on what he wanted to do. There was a lot more cell phone use between them than being able to see each other because she works and he drives. I think he was also worried about losing her to somebody else because they couldn't see each other everyday as before.
In order to leave me he would have to push all his feelings aside and think he loved her more. He left a home that has no mortgage and therefore no house payment. I told him he was the one that wanted to change things not me so I was staying here. I paid off the loan on the house and land with money I got from selling my house from my first marriage. I have about 2/3 of the cost of the property that I have paid and receipts to prove that I paid from the money I got from sell of the house and my signature on the canceled checks. I told him that no way he will get the house I will fight him for the house and if he wants a divorce he will have to file for it and pay for all fees for attorney. He never has said he wants a divorce. Even though I don't have a job right now I have a little income coming from a business I also bought and manage, but it is not a steady amount of income. That is why I need to get a job and to show him I can take care of myself also. The being stronger part for plan a. Where we live there is no legal seperation you can even live in the same house as long as there are no relations sexual. I see now I should of kept working on him at home and gave it more time but I kept reading to let him go to her and would see that it was a fantasy and end it after a while and that might still work.
The reason I want to keep up the a plan is that he thought he had got where he had no feelings still left for me and was resenting me because I was like a Momma and wouldn't let him do what he wanted to do and that I was holding him back. I know this from some of the things he said. He closes up and won't talk or listen he blocks me out. Now when we talk I found out that what works is for me to tell how I feel and not question him about what he feels because he won't talk. When I question him, everything is, "I don't know" when I ask him. We have always been really close and even when he thinks different he listens to my point of view and usually it ends up being his is the same as mine on important matters. That's why I keep talking to him because I feel it is making an impression on him when it is how I feel because he doesn't really know what he wants right now.
I told him since he is with her to tell me that he was letting me go and he said he can't do that. That is what I will use when we get to the plan b part but neither of use are ready to do that yet. I told him that if all this affair does is gets him to see he loves me because I think for a while now he thinks he doesn't then it would be of some value. He knows he can come back and he knows she has to be out of his life to come back. Right now I feel that that is what the plan a is for is for me to let him get to the point he starts to realize what he is giving up and to have a reason to want to come back and I am going to do that. I know everybody thinks he is mean and I am not excusing him I lived it and it is me it has happened too and if I can get him to see what he has and we have he will want to come back. He has to want to come back nobody can make him. He has to want to have me and see he still loves me and I am going to do everything in my power to help him and it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks it is what I feel and want that matters to me. I am going to do whatever it takes as long as it takes till I know in my heart I can go no further. Somebody has to fight this and I am going to be a warrior till I get defeated in my own heart and mind.
When we talk I try to not pressure him and right now I am just trying to get back the communication we once had and if I have to be the other woman in my marriage and fight her that way I will. He loves the chase that is how I got him. She has lost the chase now and after a while I will make me the chase. Right now I just need to keep communications going and get him to not see me as the Momma and as the wife. I know what I need to do it is just going to be slow. Its better already and I married him for better or worse and I am not going to back down.
She is going to end up being a money burden on him and also dealing with teenagers which when they are not yours is quite a job. He will end up having problems with her about the kids before long I know that and that is a strike against the relationship. He doesn't like the not being head of household in the relationship and he will not change to another house that is his to do that, because he doesn't want to invest that much with her. Its all about the younger woman ego boost and the sex and that is all. He thought he had more feelings for her than he does. The only way for him to see all this is for him to live it and 6 weeks its still new. That is why he still clings to me a little because he knows I love him but is not sure where the other is going and I think he knows it will be not go very far.
If he doesn't know he has an out with me he would keep staying there or go to somebody else when it ends. In the mean time its my job to rebuild our relationship and help him feel for me the love I know he still has and the home he still misses. Meeting his emotional needs is part of it maybe the hardest part of it to keep them still alive for me. Why would I want to take away the emotions he has because emotions are connected with love. This might not make sense to you but it does me and to me emotions being met is what we both need to lean on each other while we goes thru this. It is not just him it is us both going thru this and we need to try to keep as much feelings for each other as we can to rebuild if this works out. I am trying to give him enough support till he gets this worked out but not enough to make it too easy for him to have both. I am trying to be his lighthouse and it hurts but i love him enough to wait. Time goes by any way I am not going anywhere. I had rather invest in what I know is my other half and not give up om my marriage.
So what it amounts too I need to do a whole lot of plan a as long as I can and maybe I may have to do B but the feelings have to come back a little at a time he took a year to get here and I can't undo that in a couple of months.
I wish that POSOW would find somebody at work that is single and leave my husband alone. She can't be much to let me shack up in her home with 3 teenagers. She doesn't really know him he could be a child molester for all she knows. She is just trash and I wish her everything that is evil to happen to her. She has known for a year he is married, I even left her voice mail and told her before and she still encouraged him. But I have enough of a job to handle and in the end she will get hers.
You see if it was your kids, any woman would fight for them no matter what they do they are not supposed to do that is wrong or hurts you. So why would anybody not be as forgiving and as loyal to their husband and it is the same woman not many different women so that makes different. I have already done to exposure to family and friends I know of but the exposure on his side is they accept whatever he wants to do. My side of course is different. But both sides know I love him and my kids I made perfectly clear I love him and want him in my life. They don't like it but they know I mean it and they stay out of what is going on.
update:
He texted me again last night at 1:30am, and asked are u sleeping? I wasn't and if I was I wouldn't of told him that I was asleep. He was going to SC to make a delivery and we talked small talk for about 3 hrs as he drove. He has a head phone so he can talk and drive. This is what he used to do with her and now is doing with me. We had an earlier conversation during the day and it got emotional for us both. It started out with me so strong telling him that I had been unhappy too and if we were to get back together, we both had to make some changes and start all over. I told him he had killed our marriage and he had cut it half and thrown one piece off a bridge. We would have to work at making it all over and fix things that had been bothering us both. I did real well till the end. I told him that I had been so hurt and I thanked him for calling and talking to me, that I didn't think I would of been able to make it if he hadn't. Then I asked him if he was calling me because he felt sorry for me and he said no. I got so emotional with that last part I couldn't talk without crying and tears every where. I could hear him sniffling in the back ground and I know he was emotional too. I told him I had to let him go because I was too emotional to keep talking and he said ok.
I sent him a text a few hours later and told him I was sorry for getting so emotional and he said, hell you had me all choked up too. He said I will call you later ok. I have not done much crying this whole time just a little. I cried all day yesterday after that call and couldn't control my tears at all. Do you see now why I still need to talk to him. All I got of him now is in the phone and I can't give that up right now, I just can't. I know it would be way too hard on me to do the B plan and maybe that is what he needs now but I don't think I personally can handle that for a while. So people don't push me to do it ok. You might be right but I know what I can handle and no contact is what I can't handle right now. To me no contact is the same as rejection.
Anyway, we talked small talk I couldn't handle any more serious stuff, for 3 hours till he got where he was going. I let him go so he could unload the truck and then get some sleep before coming home today. I told him earlier that day we had lost communications and that was something I had to have if there was a next time. All these calls we been having I have done the majority of the talking to avoid silence. Last night he actually started talking with me instead of just listening. I always let him be the one to call me and sometimes I just send him a text and tell him I miss him. When he is driving he has alone time and he thinks about me then. I just want him to keep thinking about me that is the only way I got a chance of making this work.
This evening around 4:30 he called me to tell me while getting loaded his truck had a major repair needed and he was waiting on the mechanic to come repair the truck. He said he slept about 6 hours in the truck at a welcome center last night and had just got back an hour of so earlier. WE talked about an hour and they couldn't get parts till tomorrow to make the repairs. He discussed his SIL being in a car wreck and had whiplash and going to a specialist today. See I knew I had to get him talking to me again and sharing. I know he was going back to her tonight but I didn't say anything about that even though I was thinking about it at the time. The more you push the more they will push back. So this is starting to work slowly.
When I was getting ready to hang up I told him I went and got me some fried chicken for supper tonight. I said that was the only thing I seemed to want to eat lately. I guess I am getting like a teenager just thinking about myself now I told him. I said when I got divorced and I got over the upset part I started to think of me being like a teenager and selfish like they were thinking of only what they wanted. That had felt good at the time, but I don't think I want to be a teenager anymore. He said I need to ride and I will call you later.
On the way home I got to thinking I bet that put a little worry in his mind. Because if he goes thru with this and I end up alone I will have a single life again. He went from 2 people to 5 people in a family. lol not exactly free to me.
Crying, how can we help you? Are you just looking for sympathy? I'm not saying you're not deserving of that, but WHAT DO YOU WANT? HOW CAN WE HELP YOU?
maybe you can't I will just keep reading and stop posting, I just thought you might could but never mind
maybe you can't I will just keep reading and stop posting, I just thought you might could but never mind
maybe you can't I will just keep reading and stop posting, I just thought you might could but never mind
Crying. Stop that! I can see you must have at least started reading the plans. But, you have to decide just which way you want to proceed. The good people here can help you save your marriage. You can proceed with the plans or just keep letting your marriage flounder. You have to choose how best to proceed though. No one here can do that for you.
I don't see how you can keep going in the same direction you have been. I feel it would be emotional suicide for you. Everyone here only wishes to help!
crying,
I think you should stick around and at least get some support in your plan A.
If you think you are strong enough to continue Plan A for a while than go ahead, but I think that you should put your best foot forward but put up some boundaries.
Your husband is not treating you with respect right now........this is not acceptable, you need to take care of yourself.......go to an attorney see what rights you have and make a plan from there......
If you don't get some plan that protects you, you will regret that in the end. You need to establish a respect level with your husband this is your chance to change the marriage to be what you want........
Don't settle anymore, be the strong, loving woman, who knows herself and knows what she wants and is not afraid to get it.........
Don't be a fool and believe anything he says right now, he is making some moves that only protect him and leave you out in the cold.
If he complains about anything you do, tell him he has left you no choice but to protect yourself, he can't just walk away from you with out being responsible financially.
Don't let him be in control, you need to get back behind the wheel. Remember the one thing he didn't count on was you being strong and smart.........
All WS's make that mistake, take your control back.
Crying, if you don't do anything else, at the very minimum get a lawyer working on a separation agreement (some states don't have separation, in that case, you just start the steps of a divorce; it is up to you if you follow it to completion). He is not going to financially support you, or keep up his obligations for house and bill payments, as long as he is spending money on hotel rooms, etc, in his affair.
thank you for offering support I don't and didn't come here for sympathy but support and a little advise for the plan A for a while...good news I got a job interview for Monday morning with a big company I feel better now I see you help other people I thought maybe you could me too bye for now
thank you for offering support I don't and didn't come here for sympathy but support and a little advise for the plan A for a while...good news I got a job interview for Monday morning with a big company I feel better now I see you help other people I thought maybe you could me too bye for now
Yes, we do help, or at least try to. But if you go back and look at your posts, you'll see that you're not really asking us for help. You're journalling. I'm not sure what it is you want to accomplish? Do you want your H to end his A and return to you? Because I'm not seeing that in your posts. You seem resigned to allowing him to have both of you. We can't help you with that.
thank you for offering support I don't and didn't come here for sympathy but support and a little advise for the plan A for a while...good news I got a job interview for Monday morning with a big company I feel better now I see you help other people I thought maybe you could me too bye for now
Oh, and BTW - we can give plenty of empathy, too. A lot of us have been where you are.
Did you want to try and save your marriage, CT? Welcome to Marriage Builders.
Crying, here is a thread to help guide you through this site.
Read all of the links and ask any questions you may have.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240This is your WH's 3rd marriage, is it your first? Were either of you married when you met?
You can Plan A for a certain amount of time. The 3-4 week time limit is there to help protect YOU. And so you know, your WH will NOT be happy with Plan B. He needs to have both of you.
I am sorry about the long post. I was trying to give you information. Yes I want my husband to come back to me and to save my marriage. Yes I want to do the plan A for a while. I have never done posting before so I guess I don't know how to do it right. I will go to the links and check them out also. I don't want a triangle marriage either.
Thanks for trying to figure me out, I will see a lawyer if I can get that job and have money for them. Not for a divorce but for protection.
This is his third marriage and my second. WE have no children together. We each have grown children by our previous marriages.
See! I told you the calvary would be here! And they are.You just don't know it yet. You need to stand back from your situation, get strong , and shout to your sel' Hey, I'm strong, I matter, and I will not accept this from the person who is supposed to love, share and protect me. I know you feel weak. Been there. But, I think if you reach deep inside and just determined not just to save your marriage... but to make it better if you follow the plans, you can do this. God Bless.
This is his third marriage and my second. WE have no children together. We each have grown children by our previous marriages.
CT, how long have you been married? How did his other marriages end? Has he had other affairs?
Thank You Cherise you have been here from the start trying to snatch a knot in my tail, I think.
MelodyLane we have been together 12 years and married 7 years only minor problems ever between us. He is easy going, won't argue but gets a little snappy sometimes, has most of the qualities you want in a man. Nothing to indicate he was unhappy.
The only problem is he lost a high paying job in management about 3 years ago and has not been able to get the same status or pay since. Maybe that has something to do with this, he acted as if he had adjusted.I never pushed or complained about the money part because I was watching for signs of depression. He was out of work for about 6 months before he found another job and at least 3 of the 6 before he looked for another.
I was told after we got married that he had had a short affair with his second wife but they got back together an divorced later. I don't know if it was p or em affair or any details.
I started to see changes with him in December of last year but nothing alarming till I noticed he was different in Feb this year. I checked his cell phone records and found out then. I confronted him and he said it was a friend that was having problems. I told him you can't have women friends talking that much to them about just a problem.
He was distant for a few weeks. Valentines Day he said he wanted us to start all over and he loved me. Then in July is was so distant I checked cell records again and everything has gone downhill since then. He kept pushing me away being distant and his whole personality has changed. This has been the worst year of my life trying to reach him and couldn't. Finally I had to push him off the fence and I thought he would choose me but he went to her instead.
The only thing he has ever told me about his other marriages is that nobody could live with his 1st wife she was crazy. The second wife she had a 16 year old boy and they didn't get along with each other and the wife had a lot of issues.
I wonder what he has told this woman about me sometimes.
He says ow told him she never wants to get married again. She sounds like a real winner to me. I hope she hen pecks him to death.
Now when I ask him questions about her he tells me truth so I don't ask much anymore she isn't important just trash. She has him living there with her and her 3 teenagers what a good example for them.
The only thing he has ever told me about his other marriages is that nobody could live with his 1st wife she was crazy. The second wife she had a 16 year old boy and they didn't get along with each other and the wife had a lot of issues.
I wonder what he has told this woman about me sometimes.
He says ow told him she never wants to get married again. She sounds like a real winner to me. I hope she hen pecks him to death.
Crying, I am sorry for your pain. MB is a GREAT resource to help you through it.
But first, and this is important and relevant... were either of you married when you met?
no but he was single a short while
I was single about 2 years
will you put some thought into the job loss because there is more about that I couldn't sleep I hadn't thought about that before. He had that job since he was about 18 and went from the bottom to the top. His ego, he needed a ego shot with her, and I bet losing that job had something to do with it, He got fired if you want we can discuss that. I just keep looking for why and I see a couple of things but nothing that major.
Crying, the WHY is simple. It's because he had no boundaries when it came to his marriage. Around here, navel-gazing (thanks ML) doesn't really help-- that's why marriage counseling is usually ineffective when there's an affair.
Have you read "Surviving an Affair"? Go get it TODAY. It's inexpensive but a MUST HAVE if you're going to truly work the MB plans.
Read, read, read the articles on here-- especially about Plan A and Plan B. Begin to prepare to do a massive exposure and let us know when you're ready to pull the trigger on that.
I haven't read the book yet, I am though, maybe they have it at the library. You can't believe how much I have read here since he left and on other sites as well. I found this one about 2 weeks ago now I just read here. Reading has been what has been a life saver for me and I have learned a lots. The detachment articles have worked with my emotions. Sometimes I am afraid I will detach too much and lose feelings that I can't get back.
I also got an ad and that helps a lot too. I think about this a lots and sometimes, like today, I wonder why I even would want him back. What I read they are all pretty much the same and that is just me me me selfish. It doesn't matter who gets hurt either the wife, kids or ow either. They just want what they want. His Daddy died when he was six and uncles was all he had for role models so that probably is a lot of his problem. No matter what his problems are they are now my problem.
I think if I get this job I am interviewing for Monday, that some of the fear factor will be gone. That will go a long ways to help my security feeling and the abandonment issues.
The hardest thing to deal with is being traded in for a new younger model. She is younger than him too, so he may get a dose of his own medicine if she finds she wants the same. He might get traded in for a younger model too.
You know a man his age is pretty much what he is going to be in life. If he hasn't learned already about boundaries, maybe he never will. It looks like he might of learned one boundary and that is the selfish one he has now. He told me once he had always done what he wanted to do, maybe that was a warning he was giving me then.
I have a lot of boundaries and morals too. This last year I was the one that should of had the affair, but that's not me. When this is all said and done the person that does this to another has to live with what they have done. The other person can rise above it because they know right from wrong.
Crying Time,
The very idea that "help" only comes when we agree with what you are doing doesn't make much sense to me. That seems to be what you want!
You came here for help.
Here's what I have to say:
Your husband has his cake and can eat it, too. He is with the younger woman who offers him sex frequently, and right now that is what he is interested in. He wanted some side action, and it turned into more, and he's over there getting that.
You are where he turns when he wants to "talk". So you give him that boost.
He has the best of both worlds.
Plan A is designed to do something very specific. It is designed to be done for a short period of time, so the betrayed spouse can help the wayward spouse remember the very best things about the marriage, the very best things about the spouse. Plan A gives the BS the chance to show the WS the best side of herself, for a SHORT period of time. There is no lovebusting, no talk of divorce, only talk of how the marriage can be reconciled.
Then, when Plan A has run its course, and the BS feels that she is beginning to run out of steam, Plan B takes over. This is a move designed specifically so that the last memories of the BS that the WS has are terrific ones - the BS looked good, smelled good, talked of reconciliation, was kind, was making positive steps, was meeting those emotional needs.....etc.
And Plan B opens with a love letter, that tells the WS that the love is waning, and anything left has to be protected. That the affair must stop, and there are conditions for returning to the marriage, and when those conditions are met the BS will be happy to entertain the idea of communicating once again - BUT, until then, there will be no communication whatsoever.
Plan B - designed to stop that happy cake-eating, leave the WS with a good view of the BS, and FORCE the OP to meet all of the emotional needs of that WS allllll alone.
And it works, for a reason. That OP never did meet those emotional needs on their own! The truth is that the BS did most of the heavy lifting, and the OP met few ENs. The pressure the WS now faces, out there adrift with no wife to meet the needs, and only this other woman who really doesn't know him, really isn't the best pick in the world...well...things usually crash and burn.
What we are trying to tell is that your husband is showing signs of that RIGHT NOW.
Go to Plan B, because his OW is already in a weak position. He misses you, is calling you, and wants your support.
Kick the crutches out from under him, and watch him come home.
Write a killer Plan B letter, and wait.
SB
Excellent post by SB as ALWAYS.
Crying, you need to read it. Read it again. And then, what the HAY, READ IT ONE MORE TIME.
EXCELLENT.
CT, I'm going to re-post some of your comments that I think are hobbling you and are putting roadblocks in the path of killing this A. I'll put my comments in red after your posts.
I told him that if all this affair does is gets him to see he loves me because I think for a while now he thinks he doesn't then it would be of some value.
When we talk I try to not pressure him and right now I am just trying to get back the communication we once had and if I have to be the other woman in my marriage and fight her that way I will.
Its better already and I married him for better or worse and I am not going to back down.
She is going to end up being a money burden on him and also dealing with teenagers which when they are not yours is quite a job. He will end up having problems with her about the kids before long I know that and that is a strike against the relationship. He doesn't like the not being head of household in the relationship and he will not change to another house that is his to do that, because he doesn't want to invest that much with her.
Why would I want to take away the emotions he has because emotions are connected with love. This might not make sense to you but it does me and to me emotions being met is what we both need to lean on each other while we goes thru this.
Time goes by any way I am not going anywhere. I had rather invest in what I know is my other half and not give up om my marriage.
I wish that POSOW would find somebody at work that is single and leave my husband alone.
She can't be much to let me shack up in her home with 3 teenagers. She doesn't really know him he could be a child molester for all she knows. She is just trash and I wish her everything that is evil to happen to her. She has known for a year he is married, I even left her voice mail and told her before and she still encouraged him.
You see if it was your kids, any woman would fight for them no matter what they do they are not supposed to do that is wrong or hurts you. So why would anybody not be as forgiving and as loyal to their husband and it is the same woman not many different women so that makes different.
When I was getting ready to hang up I told him I went and got me some fried chicken for supper tonight. I said that was the only thing I seemed to want to eat lately. I guess I am getting like a teenager just thinking about myself now I told him. I said when I got divorced and I got over the upset part I started to think of me being like a teenager and selfish like they were thinking of only what they wanted. That had felt good at the time, but I don't think I want to be a teenager anymore. He said I need to ride and I will call you later.
On the way home I got to thinking I bet that put a little worry in his mind. Because if he goes thru with this and I end up alone I will have a single life again. He went from 2 people to 5 people in a family. lol not exactly free to me.
The only thing he has ever told me about his other marriages is that nobody could live with his 1st wife she was crazy. The second wife she had a 16 year old boy and they didn't get along with each other and the wife had a lot of issues.
He says ow told him she never wants to get married again.
Now when I ask him questions about her he tells me truth so I don't ask much anymore she isn't important just trash. She has him living there with her and her 3 teenagers what a good example for them.
The hardest thing to deal with is being traded in for a new younger model. She is younger than him too, so he may get a dose of his own medicine if she finds she wants the same. He might get traded in for a younger model too.
You know a man his age is pretty much what he is going to be in life.
I am re reading Mimi My gift to you, I read it once before the B plan and everybody seems to think she had a good one and A plan too. I wish I could find her A plan too
Don't lose patience with me I just need to read a little. I need to know how this works ok. I only been on this site a short time and I know I need to do something and what I have been doing doesn't work. I especially like the breaking down of my posts to show me how I have been thinking.
Don't lose patience with me I just need to read a little. I need to know how this works ok. I only been on this site a short time and I know I need to do something and what I have been doing doesn't work. I especially like the breaking down of my posts to show me how I have been thinking.
Come here, CT, give us a hug
We're not losing patience with you. But we're also not going to sit and murmur quietly about what a shame it is that your losing your M, how sad that things turned out the way they did. We're not going to cross our fingers and hope everything turns out okay for you. That's not how Marriage Builders works! You may have gone to other websites that encourage quiet contemplation and hope for the future. Those things will more than likely NOT give you a recovered M.
MB's concepts are a plan of action. When followed carefully, those actions more often than not will work to recover your M. If we sound impatient it is because your inaction is frustrating - especially to the posters who followed the concepts and recovered their M. When we see inaction by a BS we know that their probable outcome will be the loss of their M. That's why we may come across as stern or impatient.
Yes, keep reading. But read,
comprehend and
use the steps you will need to take to recover your M.
Caveat: MB doesn't help recover every M. Sometimes the WS is so emotionally gone that there can be no recovery. In that case, MB will help you recover your personal sense of worth and can help YOU rebuild your life. But your best case of recovering the M is to use MB tools.
One other thing, while I'm thinking about it:
Make sure you read about the most important Emotional Needs. I suspect you will find that your WH has a need for Conversation. By your posts, I suspect that OW isn't adequately meeting that need. If that is the case you are a great candidate for Plan B. Read about Plan B as well.
It does sound like an important need of his. It's hard to decipher what their needs are when they don't tell you, but I think MB has it right. Maybe you need to give him the chance to figure out she's as dumb as a box of rocks and can't be much of stimulating conversationalist Huh!
Well, I guess I am in Plan B today. I have been in Plan A for too long, and he knows how I feel.His Love Bank just wants to go,what he is going to get from her. I asked him had things changed?, He don't know yet. He still has feelings for me but doesn't know what his feeling are for her.That he has feeling for her, but not where they are going. I told him actions speak louder than words. Everyday he goes to her instead of here with me, he made a choice that day. He knows that day what he wanted to do each time he goes to her house.
I can't do a plan B letter to him because I don't know her address. I know the town she lives in, her car and tag number, and her phone number. I know she has 3 teenagers and has been divorced over 5 years. I don't know her name but I know where she works. I know right now she is my enemy.
So I had to do my Plan B letter to him in person.
So you gave him your Plan B letter in person? What did he say? And you're ready to have no contact with him?
I told him that since he can't or won't give me answers or decisions then what we need to do is for me to be out of it for a while. No phone calls except if it is important. Business or personal health problems. He seemed to be relieved. I told him I think that why he calls from the truck is he feels guilty about the way he has done me. I told him he should because he has caused me a lot of pain. Not only pain but he has abandoned me and spends money on her and her kids instead of his wife. He wants to spend it on and make them happy but not on his own wife, that hurts so bad. He never said he was sorry once for the way he has and is treating me, not once.
I told him if I choose to file taxes with him this year,I will let him know about joint or seperate filing. If we do joint he will be signing a paper to be notarized that I get half, because I can't trust him anymore. I told him I control for me now, not him. He just sat and listened with no comments.
I told him that since he wants to live as if he is divorced, then he needs to experience what it feels like if I am no longer in life. That now he has two wives and kids in his life. He can't have both. He has to choose and his actions now show wife #2.
He is to contact me by text on cell phone what the information we need to discuss. I would decide if it would be text or phone depending on circumstances. If he ever wants to come back to me he needs to text me that and then we will discuss. No other woman or ever contact with her or don't even to want to come back.
What is so bad he seemed relieved I told him of the plan we will be following. I also told him I won't set back and wait forever on him. I gave him dead lines. His has till the end of January (3 Months) to decide if he wants to stay with her or come back and rebuild our marriage. He has a deadline of the end of April to decide if he wants a divorce. That is 6 months and that at least gives me a deadline to an end or beginning. The unknown and back and forth not knowing, I need a deadline to aim for.
Now he is gone I gave him a small good bye kiss and that might be the last one I get. He has to work this out in his mind and until he does I have no marriage to work on.
yes he was here looking for the title to his truck, some tag registration problem with the state. I decided I rather do it in person instead of over the phone. I know that is not the way to do it, but then again maybe it is. It is so much more personal that way. I din't want to but I had to I think it is the only chance I got. It will either be the winner or the killer of my marriage I know that,got tears now. I felt strong a few minutes ago. no so strong now.
Okay, now you GO DARK. Don't answer the phone if he calls. If he texts you saying "Please call me right away - it's important!" or anything like that, text back and ask him what he needs. It is important that he not hear your voice. I'm not happy that you have no buffer between your contact with him - can you get an IM?
Also, please don't sell yourself short like this:
That now he has two wives and kids in his life. He can't have both. He has to choose and his actions now show wife #2.
He doesn't have two wives. He has a loving, faithful wife at home. He also has a skankhobag. She doesn't even deserve to be in the same sentence with you.
not right now with im I don't think he will be contacting he seemed relieved after our talk or my talk he just listened. no fussin just calm talk by me. I cried for hours last night sitting on the front porch. Crying now too tears come when they want to no and I can.t make them stop.
He wanted his winter coats yesterday, most of clothes except coats I bagged up in the beginning before I started posting. So I met him when he came back after a truck delivery yesterday with them it is getting cooler now. He wanted his sport coat too but I didn't take it on purpose. He got in my car and I got so mad in a flash. I said what happened to your mustacsh? It looked black looking then I noticed his goatee looked the same. His hair is grown out longer and he is blonde now with blackish hair too. His , hair and mustacsh are all white before this. He put grecian 44 on them trying to make his self look younger to impress her. I knew why and I got so mad he wants to look younger too.
So I let loose on him, told him they looked like crap. That everytime he has a birthday he will still be one year older nothing would change that. Since she is so much younger than him one day she would throw his butt out for a younger man like he has me. That I wanted out of this, I can't stand it any longer. I can't be the only one in my marriage trying to save it. He is trying to have 2 wives and keep the triangle marriage. I can't do that any more especially because now he is living with her. He would loose everything his home everything he has if he didn't get it together.
Last night I got to thinking and that sounded like I was asking for a divorce. So this morning I texted him to call me. I told him I realized last night it sounded like I wanted a divorce but I don't I was just mad. I told him what made me so mad he is a nice looking man and now wants to change himself for her to look younger. I was mad because he was trying to change himself to impress her. I told him if you are playing with babies you don't dress in a diaper and play with toys.
That's why he came by today is to get the coat and title to truck. I didn't take him the sport coat I told him if he wanted it to come to the house and get it. He would be wearing it when he went out with her and that is enabling the affair so I didn't bring it to you.
This is NOT Plan B, Crying Time. You will not get your wayward back this way! Do you know what Plan B is? You are currently in Plan Drive Him Away.
Do you want us to help you save your M? What do you want to do?
yes I keep saying over and over I want to save it why does everybody keep saying that? what did I do you think I shouldn t I am trying to figure out what plan B is I guess I don't figure plan b out right
yes I keep saying over and over I want to save it why does everybody keep saying that? what did I do you think I shouldn t I am trying to figure out what plan B is I guess I don't figure plan b out right
You do not have contact with your wayward in Plan B. You told him what your boundaries are. You told him there was to be No Contact with you except for texts. Now you're sitting in a car and yelling at him. How do you figure you're in Plan B???
CryingTime, if you present yourself to your wayward as a pathetic, needy creature it will make OW look all the more attractive to him. This needs to stop.
Please read about Plan B on this site. Then ask any questions you need to ask to clarify what you need to do.
that was the day before and I was not yelling at him that is why I decided to go to plan b emotionally I was going to undo what I already did in A
this is going to hard enough because I need to hear his voice and I got to adjust to not being able to for a while. But I worked so hard in Plan A till I didn't want to undo what I had done. He wouldn't even talk to me in the beginning. I am trying to read and learn what to do but I need advice not my bones picked every time I make a mistake. I keep reading to give him space. The space is to have the affair be in reality but if feels like you are giving them permission to have the affair. I just need a place to vent.
I keep reading to give him space.
WHAT??? Tell me where on this site you are reading this??????
Show that to me. You are so wrong.
I just need a place to vent.
Then just go vent somewhere else. If you have no intention of taking our advice or listening to us, don't take up our time. There are people who come here who really want our help and will hear what we advise. You obviously aren't one of them.
Until you can show me where you read on this site that you should give your husband his 'space' I will not respond to your posts.
Good luck to you.
Crying Time,
You are on this site to try to salvage your marriage, your husband is living with another woman, this is unacceptable, you cannot have a marriage with a third person in it. Until that fact changes you don't have a marriage......Got it?
Plan B is your only hope of saving the marriage, let the affair fall apart......it's a fantasy world, when it becomes reality just watch how quickly it falls apart.....
You need to not talk to him at all in anyway about anything.......no texts, no emails, no phone calls......don't see him face to face......don't listen to anyone else about him...........if you need to talk about anything in terms of financial, kids......then do it through someone else.............
You in the meantime, take care of your end of things, go to a lawyer, make sure the financials are in place for you............
Surround yourself with family and friends and keep yourself busy, doing what you like, go out, enjoy yourself.........don't worry about what he does or who he is doing it with......
You need to let him feel what life is like for him without you, without the life he has known all these years......let him feel the total brunt of the decisions he has made, Thanksgiving, Xmas all without him in the mix is a good thing Crying.....holidays are the best times for them to feel what they have done.......and what they have given up.......
Crying and all this takes time to turn around, what you need to do is keep your eye on the bigger plan and that is to save the marriage..........that takes time to happen, your husband needs to live his new life in order to make comparisons and he will soon figure out having the added responsibility and not just the fantasy part to the relationship isn't as much fun as he might have imagined.....
Patience is the key here, every time you do the wrong thing you have to start the process again, stop wasting time and let the process happen....
The vets on this site know what they are talking about and many marriages have been saved............
Stop think and stick to the plan.....
Plan B is...
No texting him
No phone
No facebook
No seeing him
NOTHING
You do not hear, see, or talk to him in any way you pretend that he is dead to you.
You need to block his phone number
Find a IM YOU NEED an IM you can no to a plan B with out one.
As long as he is contacting you he is still getting those needs met, you need to END IT ALL.
NO CONTACT what so EVER!
I am going to and I am already doing it. I just got me a second job interview today with a big company. That will keep me busy and I am excited about the job. It will start Monday and a position there will be coming open soon in Management that I am qualified for and will make more money. Got my foot in the door.
I am going to start back to a Church I used to go to and join in some activites there too.
ok I am willing to give this a chance because it is the only one I see left I hope it works, in the mean time I will be busy making me a better and stronger person. I can't get younger but I can get better.
Good job Crying,
We all know that this is tough for you, come here for support, don't just bail when you feel weak....
This is your only shot.......you have to be the one that looks good when the fantasy falls apart.......regret will happen.....and then you will have a shot at the marriage you want.............
Hang tight, and good job with the new directions in your life........
Thanks, Today I been so occupied with other things I just got home. I have a small mobile home park that has 11 rentals and something always needs attention. Today this tenant came to me crying. Her ex husband, of one of kids, has been living a few months with them, to help with bills for a place to stay. He never even got a job and just was using them. I been getting reports back to me he has been hitting on her from other tenants but not from her. So today I am there and she comes crying to me he was beating on her, that is not going on in my park. I said you want him gone? She said yes I said I will get him gone. I go and he is standing by his car and I said I want to talk with you. I told him needed to leave because I don't allow men to beat on women here even if I have to call police. He said call them she hit me first. I told him he needs to leave for a while. He cussed me and all that threat stuff. He left and then came back in 10 minutes, I was still at her home. He walked past me and went to get his cell phone. He came back outside and said call police if you want to go ahead. He got in his car and left so I didn't call.
About 30 minutes later he came back. This time I called the police I didn't even waste my time to talk to him. They came out and away he went to jail. That's one man I got out of women beating fog and snatched a knot in his tail. He can't come back anymore because they will put him under a conditional bond that is stronger that a restraining order, they told me so he can't bother me or her again. I am 5ft 2 and 115 lbs but I stand tall when I have too.
Just a little update: I told you he looked relieved when I told him about the no contact. I think he was only doing the phone calls because he felt guilty. He should feel guilty. He has made no effort to contact. I got a neighbor for the im.
The Plan B has gave me some relief too. I don't keep waiting for him to call because I know he is not going to. I know in a little while I will feel different maybe, but right now I feel sort of peaceful on the inside. Strange but all that has happened now is starting to feel like just a bad memory. I miss him and love him still and wish he was back, but I know I don't want him back if I have to live like I have this year. Its got to be the way it was before she got in the picture.
I guess he is feeling sort of peaceful on the inside too right about now. I know this takes time. The everyday living and the new to wear off. I also know he may not come back. This took more than one day to begin and it is going to take more than one day to end, if it does ends. When I feel its time for me to move on I will make the decision for him, I will not wait forever on him. I deserve happiness too and I am not willing to give him years to decide because those are my years too. When I decide this is a dead end street, I will stop and turn around before I hit the wall. I won't let his decisions control him and me too because I control mine.
He hasn't tried to contact me and I haven't felt the need to contact him. I feel like I am getting some sort of control on emotions now and the contact may bring back the bad feelings.
Keep going girl! We know you can do this! Just stay dark start doing some things for you, because you deserve it!
Thanks I just try not to think about it, that helps.
If I was you I would...
Get my hair all done
Get a new out-fit
Go out with friends
Read books
Exercise
and hang out with family
I would keep myself soo busy that I would forget about WH