3 and a half months ago my husband came home in a strange mood. After a lot of staring into space and looking pained, he told me he was in love with somebody else and wanted to end our 12 year relationship. This came as a complete shock as we always have had a very strong, loving relationship.

He had been working abroad for a number of months, and at the beginning of this year I moved over to join him. Only weeks before his revelation we had booked a trip to the US for my birthday later this year, and had been trying to get tickets to next year�s Olympics. In other words, we were making plans for the future.

The person he claims to be in love with is a co-worker, from an office in a neighbouring country. She is a 40 year old (he's 33) who has never had a long-term relationship, and is under pressure from her father to get married and have kids like her siblings.
I knew about her in so far that he had mentioned her a fair few times over the previous months, and 2 months previous to that fateful evening I had found some email correspondence between them that I was not happy with. It was very gushy, and going beyond the friendship my husband claimed he had with her. She called him �her special friend� and signed off with �all my love�.
After confronting him about the mails he was in tears, on his knees telling me that I was the one he wanted to be with, and that he understood that he overstepped the mark in this friendship. He promised to back off from her.

I had no reason to doubt him, he had never done anything to betray my trust and we both put it down to an error of judgement. I asked him periodically about it, and he told me that he was no longer communicating with her other than on work related issues.

But less than 2 months later, he claimed that he no longer loved me, and wanted to be with her. I tried to persuade him to take some time away from it all, and he booked a week's holiday by himself to think things through. We also decided that, in order to give him the space he said he needed, I would move back to our house in our home country.
I had to give up my job, and leave our 2 cats behind but I thought it would provide him with the time and space needed to sort this out.

We agreed that we would give it until the end of the year to see how he felt and what he wanted, and for him to go and see a counsellor to help him understand his feelings. He agreed to, and told his co-worker he wanted to return to a purely professional relationship with her, with no outside phone or email contact.

One week after I returned to our home country he had to go to the office where she worked for a couple of days. He had told me he would do the work via video conferencing, but instead he flew out there, and stayed on to spend the weekend with her.
I was unaware of this (he told me he was going to spend the weekend on the town with his mate) and found out the following week because the airline he flew with lost his bag, and they rang our house to follow up on the complaint.

I was shocked and dumbfounded. I could not believe the level of duplicity, deceit and betrayal he was inflicting, he is normally such a straight-up, honest guy.
He had told me throughout that he had no dealings with her outside of their working relationship, but it was clear he had been pulling the wool over my eyes. He never intended to stay away from her.

I rang him and told him I knew, and how hurt I felt. He said he wasn't thinking, and he had only had dinner with her and hadn't slept with her. As if that justified anything. He said he would be happy to go back and stick to the agreement we had, and back off.

A couple of weeks or so later he flew over for our annual family get-together and told me that he did not want to continue with the trial separation, he wanted to finish with me for good. We spent a long time talking, and time and time again he said he did not do it because of his feelings for her, he was doing it for himself. He said he was not going to start a (physical) relationship with her, promised me had no intention of doing so but I did not believe him.

And sure enough, a week later he flew over again to spend the weekend with her. It seems like he�s trying to justify to himself that by 'ending' things with me, it�s now okay to get involved with her but as far as I�m concerned it is still cheating as we are married.
After finding out that he, yet again, had lied to me and got involved with her straight away, I subsequently found out through our joint frequent flyer account he spent what should have been our wedding anniversary with her. He saw nothing wrong with this, as we are no longer together.

It seems as though he�s living in some sort of fantasy, where his actions and consequences mean little or nothing to him. He appears to be completely void of any loyalty and empathy for me and what we built and shared over the past 12 years. And there is a startling lack of guilt over his actions and behaviour.
I find what I see hard to reconcile with the person I have known and loved for so long. It is so unlike him to behave in such a reckless and callous way.

After not having spoken to him for almost 2 months I spoke to him a few days ago. He told me how he cares for me, but only as a good friend. And he had felt like this for years now.
I was startled to hear how he seems to have rewritten our history to suit him and seems to put a lot of responsibility at my door, i.e. I was depending on him financially to much, I was too messy, I did not have enough of a social life. And so on and so forth.
Most of these things he now says caused him to leave me were never really raised before, at least not to the extend that I was to realise they were a threat to my marriage.

He still insists that his leaving has nothing to do with the OW, she was just the 'catalyst'.
I'm seeing a counselor and this helps a great deal. I've also taken up a couple of old and new hobbies to help me recover from all this. Some days are good, some not so.
I just wonder if, and when he will come out of this ridiculous state and see what he is doing to me, and to himself.

Am I best to take the high road and wait for this affair to burn itself out, and hope maybe then he is willing to work on our relationship? Or am I a complete fool for even entertaining this thought?

Me, 35
WS, 33
Married 2 years
Together 12 years
No kids, just cats

Welcome to marriage builders, sorry you are here and going through this but its the best place to be to create your best chance for recovery by following the plan here at marriage builders.

Before we dive into your situation .. could you please break that up into better paragraphs so it is easier to read?

THanks

MNG

edit spelling.

I am sorry you are here.
Because you are already living apart and have no kids, I think that you should:

1. Make sure the adultery is exposed all over creation. Let everyone know.
2. Seek legal counsel. Find out what your legal rights are. Try to get spousal support.
3. Plan B his sorryass.

You have to go to Plan B and hire a lawyer, he is going to have his relationship with his OW and everything he says is probably a lie, you need to look after yourself, file for alimony, let him feel the brunt of his choices.........

I agree expose to everyone he knows who the OW knows and let them feel what it feels like to be looked at like cheaters.........

I am so sorry that he is such a jerk, you deserve better go out and get that for yourself......don't let him off scott free......

I 'exposed' the whole sordid tale to his family, he tells me his parents support him as 'he is sure of what he's doing'. The rest of the family either keep quiet or refuse to take sides (and this I do understand)
I am not sure about the exposure to his boss/colleagues. I think that this may backfire on me. He seems to not like me much as it is, and I do not want to alienate him any further.

Hi Maryse, where are you from?

Read up on plan B, that is not necessarily to get your husband back, but much more about healing yourself.

Oh he will be hopping mad. But he wil also feel shamed and embarassed at what he has done. He will see it as the ugly thing it is in the light. But he wont want to admit that.

Here is what he thinks right now:

Everything I am doing is right and reasonable.

Anyone would agree with that. (Though I hope they dont find out)

I must be ok in my actions because me and Maryse are still good buddies!

I dont even think shes upset.

Shes a good pal

She doenst even miss me much I bet. Shell find someone else.

I hope she carries on being nice to me so I can have my fantsy divorce where maryse meets some needs and OW meets the rest, I still love her but not in love with BLAH BLAH BLAH

Tell him you are fighting for your marriage (dont warn him you are about to expose) but afterwards tell him it was so other people could help him see the mess he is in.

Tell him it is for your marriage you exposed.

Tell him you will be his best friend - but only within a safe, loving marriage. Otherwise he can expect a swift divorce where you will get whatever you can and you will never talk to him again..

Btw, isnt it funny mr 'so sure' hasnt filed.

He is dipping in to you when he wants your love and support and then going back all giddy to OW for some more from her.

You must stop this cycle and get his addiction dealt with in the light of exposure.

I anticipate Plan B will be a big help. But try the stick of Plan A first letting him know that he can have a great thing with you but tell him what you expect and that you will not settle for less.

I'm from the UK. Not born here, moved here in my twenties to be with WS.

Affair fog, fantasyland, rewriting history. All attempts to apease his ego, and justify his actions. He is looking for a comfortable and exciting life, and you are giving it to him. He finds the fantasy and the excitment with the OW, and the comfort with you, and justifies the affair, and is trying to make that his comfortable place now. Of course he is a sucker, and this OW will use him.

Oh don't misunderstand, you thought that was what he wanted, an understanding and supportive wife, and that is what you are, in spades. The problem is that it has been to easy for him, and his life hasn't included you, for too long.

Two things will have to happen for you to save this marriage.

You will have to bust up the affair.

You will have to create romantic love with him again.

Both are important, or it will happen again, because we all need romance.

The best way to bust up the affair, is stop being his friend. Yes stop being so understanding, and demand that you have the things you need, loyalty and devotion, or you will take him to the cleaners. This can seem so,"trite and controlling", but that is where the passion is. He is your husband, not your friend, and he hasn't probably acted like a husband, for a long time.

I am sure you being an intellegent woman, have read the concepts on this site, and probably agree with them. I also believe like many of us, you wish you had found this site a long time ago, and thought,"But my marriage is different from everybody elses, we won't have those problems, our plan is to..". But not including the UA time to a marriage, and not excercising the nessesary boundaries and extrodinadry protection of emotional needs being filled by the marriage partners only, allways ends up the same, they look outside the marriage.

You are NOT a stop he has made to his ultimate fantasyland, you are his wife, that he took vows to a greater power of love than he has within himself.

Maybe its time he grew up and recognized that.

Protect your assets
Read here and become pro-active
Don't let him off the hook for anything.

"Two things will have to happen for you to save this marriage.

You will have to bust up the affair.

You will have to create romantic love with him again."


Easier said then done; we are separated, don't even live in the same country. So how on earth I'm going to 'create romantic love' with somebody who is convinced he does not love me seems like a rather impossible thing to do.

As to busting up his affair, I don't really see that happening either. Yes, they are co-workers, but they don't work in the same office, or again, in the same country. She is 'no strings attached sex & fun' for him, something for the weekend.
They work at a large international organisation, where I don't think anybody much cares about who is sleeping with whom or why.
Some of his co-workers might smirk a bit as she's quite a bit older than him, but that will be about the extend of it. The ripple will soon die down.

There are so many obstacles here I wouldn't even know how to turn this around. First off, just the fact that you live apart is an invitation to an affair. You can't sustain a marriage if you don't live together. And now that you live apart he has even less of a motive to live together. Basically, he is gone in almost every respect.

And you are right, you can't recover the marriage if you don't live together. I don't see any way this can be fixed if you don't live together.

Why do you not live together?

I would still expose at work, expose to his boss, and HR. They may have a policy, regardless if they work in the same office. I am sure personal e-mails and phone call are going on during work hours. Also, he may have plannned unintended trips to that office. Why not tell the boss they are using company funds to promote their affair. I am sure they expense dinners when he is visting the neighboring office. They will have to investigate their expenses. Do not underestimate this step. This is what happened in my case.

EVERYONE should know!!!

We did live together when he first told me he had fallen in love and wanted to terminate our marriage.
After a lot of talking we compromised; he wanted some time and space to himself to get his head together, to see what life would be like on his own.
There wasn't really any way for us to continue to live together, we lived in a very small rented place and tensions would build up to unbearable levels. So I returned to our marital home in his native country, whilst he remained in the flat.

Unfortunately, that was a major strategic mistake. He wanted you to move out so he could carry on his affair. Unless you move back in with him, I don't see how this can be saved. Can you move back in with him?

I would pack my things up and head back home if I were you. It's hard to fight an affair if you move out so he can conduct it at his leisure.

I don't think I could have stopped him seeing her whether we lived together or not. He seems to be so infatuated with this OW that he would do practically anything to satisfy this 'need' to be with her. He'd only start to resent me being there and being a constant reminder of what he's doing is wrong when he feels (and thinks) it's oh so right.
Besides, I respect myself enough to not put myself in a position where I am open to more hurt and more lies on a daily basis. On top of him resenting me.
I owed it to myself, my sanity and my well-being to not have my nose rubbed in it everyday.

And no, I cannot move back in with him. He is now in a full blown relationship with her (which means he flies out to see her every third weekend or so) and I have landed a very good new job that will help see me through financially as well as careerwise if I end up on my own.

I fail to see how not living together now is the wrong approach, isn't that what this much lauded Plan B is all about?

Well, what you did by moving out was facilitate the affair and greatly minimized your chances of killing the affair. You had about a 50/50 chance of stopping him, now you have about a 1% chance.


We already knew this. This describes 99.99999% of affairs. But your moving out made it worse.


His resentment is not relevant if you are divorced, though. His affair is the threat to your marriage, not his temporary resentment.


That makes sense.


Not really. The best chance for your marriage was to do a solid Plan A before Plan B. You didn't do that. So now it is much harder to save.


I am sorry to be so negative but I don't know of any way to save this and would suggest just moving on.

Tried Plan A for 6 weeks. Rather a futile exercise when only one person is committed to it...

You do not understand Plan A.

"Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands."

"In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended."

"Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement (Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse) helps identify and prevent instances of thoughtlessness."

"In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan."

As I said, rather futile if only one person is interested in giving plan A a shot.....

Plan A is always 'initially' futile, but it leave a memory with the WS of how good things are/could be with the BS so when the affair dies, which it will, and they come out of the fog, THEN the fruits of Plan A are reaped. Without the memories of a good plan A, there is no reason to return.

Exactly, Plan A is always one sided. And the "negotiation" that takes place is not exactly the one you think it is. The negotiation is more like, "You need to end your A. No contact for life." and if he baulks at it, you remove YOURSELF.

You have some of the best posters on here posting to you. I would suggest that you listen to them. You could also call the radio show, or the counseling center.

You need to expose this to their workplace. You need to expose this to everyone of influence on both WH's and OW's side. Have you told HER parents yet? I know that if one of my children had an A with a married woman, I would kick their butts. And they know it too. In my case, my exposure didn't do much to put pressure on the A, but it brought it out into the open, and it isn't made out to be some great love story. To me, that is important. Expose. Expose NOW.

I also believe that you should get yourself into Plan B, pronto.

No, no. The plan for recovery is jointly followed but Plan A is always one-sided. If it wasnt you wouldnt need Plan A at all



Plan A is aimed at getting an uninterested wayward interested in following recovery. So it always one sided.

Dr H also says it is usually not enough on its own so it always seems futile. Plan A only sets you up for a successful Plan B most of the time.

When they are missing you, they remember all the calm, loving great stuff you did in Plan A.

Usually betrayed spouses are screaming, depressed wrecks, so Plan A avoids that pitfall and makes better memories for Plan B.

Well, then I did Plan A to the best of my ability. Time will tell if any of it worked.

Again, you don't understand Plan A. The quote you posted about it not being one sided is referring to RECOVERY, not Plan A. Plan A is a completely ONE SIDED plan that is used to persuade the WS to end the affair.[offer to meet needs, exposure, etc. which would all obviously be one sided] The quote you posted just above is referring to RECOVERY, hence the preceding notation of: "solid plan for marital recovery" Plan A is one sided, recovery is TWO sided.

If Plan A does not work to kill the affair, then the next step is PLAN B, which is much more than just moving out. It is initiated with a Plan B letter and the designation of an intermediary.

Plan A doesn't exist in a vacuum, though, Maryse. It's part of a bigger plan. You now need to go to file for divorce and go to Plan B. Do you understand Plan B?

Well, I exposed the affair to his manager and a bunch of his coworkers today, and he is MAD AS HELL.
I destroyed his reputation and his career, and any feelings he still may have had for me.
He called me an unstable, spiteful and despicable person who has lost all rational thought...

I hope you calmly stated that you will do whatever you need to to save your marriage.

Also, you did NOT ruin his reputation, HE DID, by having an affair.

Of course he is mad, just keep telling him you will do what you have to do to save your marriage........
You blew his little secret out of the water......if it was so great why wouldn't he want everyone to know......
Don't worry about what he says, he will spew everything possible to you, he will try to be spiteful and hurtful.......don't listen.....
Just tell him if he wants his OW then he is free to go.......
When he comes to his senses he can talk to you about recovery otherwise you have nothing more to say to him.
Go see your lawyer and find out what your next step will be......
hang in there

I don't believe that this should be said. OW should only be brought up as NC. There shouldn't be any encouraging to go to her. He knows what his choices are.

You CAN tell him that if his affair continues, his actions will lead to a divorce.

The mood is in now, he's more likely to start divorce proceedings. In fact he told me that he was going to pursue it with urgency after 'the stunt I pulled'...

They all do and say the same thing, just keep on saying you are doing it to safe your marriage and want NC with OW

The madder the wayward spouse the more effective the exposure was. Now, watch actions not words and empty threats. He knows you ruined it - you ruined his affair!

Be proud of yourself.

As far as he's concerned, there is no marriage to save.

Maryse,

That's what they all say - "there is no marriage to save." If he brings up your exposure again, just say if it's something you're ashamed of, you shouldn't be doing it. Add what the others said but do it by babbling back....when he says you ruined his reputation, say, "Yes, I agree you ruined your reputation by having an affair."

you are right Scotland, I was wrong in saying that.....
just keep asking for no contact with the OW and if he doesn't get it, then you can't stay in the marriage this way...........

The pure vitriol he is spouting is totally predictable, and I am not taking it to heart. I am safe in the knowledge that I had to take this step if my marriage has any chance of survival. And if this is 'the real him' as he claims, I am not so sure I want to be married to him anyway.

You are thinking correctly, just stay calm and just keep saying you will do what you have to so you can save your marriage.............
He will calm down in a day or two, just know that exposure is working if he is angry..........that is exactly what you want, the OW and he are probably fighting about it this minute......
This isn't the real him, this is the fogged out idiot who had an affair.......
stay strong

Very good, Maryse. Sounds like you scored a direct hit!

Yes, he'll babble all kinds of spew. It's what they do. Waywards just hate to have their little apple carts upset. He'll eventually run out of steam.

Let him ramble on, and remember: YOU are not the cause of his problems at work. HE is. HE had the affair.

And now he has removed me as his FB friend. How utterly childish...

Oh, dear. I'm afraid the next thing he'll do is take his ball and bat and go home.

Your should take this further and send an exposure letter to the Head of HR , the MD and the Chairman, this should help prevent the line manager ignoring the issue.

The organisation he works for is so large the MD won't have a clue who my husband is. But I think enough people know, including HR.

And, according to my WH, the colleagues he spoke to regarding my exposure all agree that what I did it is the action of a despicable, unstable and manipulative person. Yeah right....

Of course the collegaues said that
it isn't their marriage.

You can bet your bottom dollar it would be a different opinion if their spouse were cheating!

He says that his colleagues said that, and even if they did, that was to his face, imagine what they said behind his back.

ALL waywards get mad about exposure(or at least they should). The more mad they are, the better the hit. Sometimes exposure makes the WS wake up, but sometimes it doesn't. When it doesn't, at least the BS(even me) can know that the "romance" that WS and OP were gonna try to say it was, everyone will know is a lie. That is what is the best and most effective part of exposure.

Did you get ALL of your exposure done now? If not, you need to do that, immediately.

That's as far as I needed to read. Waywards are liars. Pay no attention to this. Even if his statement really WAS true, YOU know that you (a very stable and capable person) did the right thing.

I don't believe his colleagues said anything of the sort, it's just a face-saving exercise.
Not sure he's going to 'wake up' after this, he seems to wallow in his anger.
Anyway, I did what I felt was the right thing to do, and deal with the consequences. Like the mature, stable person I know I am.

Well done on your exposure Maryse!

So what is your plan now? I hope you are dealing with WH's reaction to exposure in true Plan A style, give him something to remember when things go rotten with OW .

But you are preparing for Plan B right? When are you going to go dark? Plan A should always have a time limit...

I made an A4 size collage of pictures that represent happy memories, of places we've been, things we enjoyed together, etc.
I'm printing this out on photo paper and will send it to him along with a letter. And then Plan B...

you are a hero!

Yeah, that's me; on the barricades fighting for my marriage...
Shame my WH doesn't see it that way :-(

Sooner or later he will, you may or may not still be interested, but reality always sets in at some point, 2 weeks or 20 years from now, he will be confronted with himself. Everywhere he goes, he will still be there. The only way you can deal with problems is to deal with them, not to run away.

Oh, and he is running alright!

I feel myself emotionally checking out of my marriage, just like my WS all those months ago. Though for a rather different reason. I am so sick of having all the blame squarely put at my door, sick of his resentment, his anger and him rewriting our 12 year history.

Is this a normal stage to be going through?

Yes

When are you planning on moving into Plan B? It needs to be soon, before you hate him.

I thought my FWH was a sociopath for a couple of weeks after D-Day. He had done everything except torture small animals as a child. If he not dropped the fog thing quickly, the smartest thing I could have done was to leave.

You will spare yourself a great deal of heartbreak and emotional turmoil if you can move swiftly Plan B. Remember that all your best efforts will go to waste on a wayward. But you will know you gave it your best.

Plan B.

Pretty much in plan B now, haven't heard from him since my evil act of exposure. Hates my guts, wants a divorce.

I don't think I could ever hate him, I can see and (to a point)understand the psycological forces behind his behaviour.
But I refuse to be his whipping boy...

Plan B is definitive action plan whereby you write a Plan B letter to your WH. Here-Plan B Letters

Then you cut off all avenues of contact. He must contact you only through your IM.

Many people don't start out hating their WS during Plan B, but over time, their Love Bank balance is slowly drained. If bad behavior continues, the balance goes into the negative. No LB deposits are being made to equalize the withdrawals.

If I had used Plan B years ago when my H first started his Independent Behavior, we both believe our marriage could have been so much better. Instead, I mostly tried my best to be a "good wife," continuing to slog on through years of his independent behavior, dishonesty, and infidelities. Now I look back and realize that I could have saved myself years of misery if I had only known about MB and used Plan B. I was afraid to leave and be on my own. If he had not changed his bad behavior and adopted MB principles as a part of our lifestyle, then the marriage would likely have ended, and I would have moved on without him. If he had, then we would have had a better marriage.

Make a good solid dark Plan B and have some peace from the drama of his anger and adultery.

51, I clicked on 'Here' and it to me to a reply box. Just thought I'd mention that.

I am already on my own, and certainly no longer afraid thanks to intensive, weekly sessions with a couselor.

As far as the Plan B letter is concerned, 1) I'm pretty sure he either will not read it at all, or read it, sneer at my audacity to profess love for him after exposing his affair to the world, and then rip it up.
And 2) as it my previous post today, I'm not so sure MY heart is still in it. And to me, that is by far the most important thing.
If I have lost motivation to invest in our relationship, and he has not had any interest in our relationship since before Dday, isn't it maybe time to bow out gracefully and concentrate on my own future? Sort of a 'permanent plan B?

Don't make assumptions on how he'll react to your letter. Give it to him anyway.

UNLESS: you are ready to D. That is your right and no one will fault you if you choose to do so. If you don't want to go to Plan B, go straight to Plan D.

Thanks, mb, I just now fixed that. Embarrassing when I do that.

Maryse, you don't need to make any steadfast decisions right now, all you need to do is get yourself protected, and healed enough to make the decision more rationally.

Take some time in Plan B. You will be surprised at how your emotions can affected how you think about things. Get into the safety of Plan B, and after a time, you can decide what is the best option for you, and this way, all of your options are still available, should you so choose.

Not really as simple as that. I'm pretty sure he is seeing a solicitor next week, and after filing the petition, here in the UK it only takes 4 to 6 months for the final divorce to come through. All he has claim is 'unreasonable behaviour' and the courts here are not particularly interested in what these are or if it has been beefed up by the solicitor to strengthen the claim.
I can defend the petition, but that will just end up costing me a lot of money and it's not going to stop anything.
I'm seeing a solicitor myself next week to see what my options exactly look like and what action/precautions to take.

Maryse this is just how I felt when advised to go into Plan B.

I couldnt comprehend sending him a 'love letter' when I wanted to throw furniture at his head.

My WH was also just as mad about exposure and his behaviour to me was vile. He is still unrepentantly wayward five months on.

Yet I thank God I managed the find the coolness of head to write my Plan B letter, as it was my salvation.

What you have ahead of you Maryse is very difficult (Unless you really are 'done' and can divorce no problem and few people are). In some ways what you have ahead is as difficult as Dday.

Shutting the door on someone you love, even someone you are so angry at, feels like the death of the relationship and the grief is sudden and overpowering.

It gets better in the peace of Plan B - but you have to get through withdrawal without contacting your h and that is more difficult than it sounds.

I didnt anticipate how much I would long for his voice, his smell, or to just know where he was and what he was doing.

Was he starting to regret losing me? I would wonder and I would long to peek out of Plan B. Only the Plan B letter stopped me.

I had made myself clear. I had made the way back easy for him. There was no need for me to peek. I could stop wondering what he was thnking of me. I could stop spying. So long as there was silence, I knew what his answer was.

He has tried to break Plan B many times so he can continue to control me and cake eat. I havent let him. Whenever I get tempted i remind myself that he has written instructions showing him the RIGHT way home.

It doesnt mean I will let him either - I will just consider it at the time

I am proud of my Plan B letter. When I was kicked in the teeth, when I was bleeding, I had strength, courage, dignity and grace. All the Plan Bers do. I repaid crazy and cruel taunts with calm and loving words. I replied to vague cake eating promises with firm, fair boundaries. I told him it was possible for us to be happy again - IF and only if - he undid his cruelty to me with NC.

If you can go to a D without a single regret or 'what if' then go do so, who could blame you?

But if you are a fellow passenger on the emotional rollercoaster, I recommend the Plan B letter.

I go into Plan B on around p15 of my thread if you would like to have a read...

You can still be dark as night during those 4-6 months and decide what you want to do. It really is that simple. There have been MANY marriages which have been saved in the 11th hour, but that is only if YOU wish it, when the time comes.

It would still benefit you to go into a dark Plan B. Filing for a D can also happen while in Plan B, especially if you need to protect yourself financially or for custody. It is often recommended.

Are you ready for Plan B? Do you have a letter done? If you post it on here(removing all identifying words of course), then we can all help you edit it. And just because you enter Plan B, doesn't mean you can't decide to not recover your marriage in the future. I am going to stay in Plan B for as long as my WH is in his A with OW, even if that means Lifelong NC.

PS - The Plan B letter also throws a great wrench in the affair. He keeps the letter (he will, hes a wayward who loves attention) she will find it (all OW are jealous)

I also sent a copy to the OW as advised in SAA.

EXCELLENT POST(as usual) INDIE.

I've got a plan B letter, based in parts on ones I found on MB, and in part written by me. I will send it, if only so he knows that I am no longer part of his 'new' life.
But I guess that suits him just fine just now; no me means no guilt, no accountability, no reality to infiltrate his new perfect world.
But it's a good idea to put my boundaries to him in writing, in the loving, respectful way I've always treated him.
The funny thing is that I am not really angry anymore; it sort of washed off me after informing his manager, colleagues and HR department.
I'm calmer, and though it still hurts (don't need to tell any of you that) I am accepting the fact that I have lost him, at least for now if not forever.

Oh, and a really big THANK YOU for all you out there. I do not know any of you, yet you provide great support and are the sounding board every BS needs in their time of crisis.

I KNOW, MB is GREAT isn't it?

I can't speak for everyone else here, but I am just paying it forward.

We all need friends that can relate and I know it was my safe place to vent and figure out what my next move was going to be...........
I think it helped me from losing it all together.........
Hang in there Maryse, you will get there too.........

If he has said hes is going to see a solicitor about a D, I would take that with a pinch of salt.

Of course he could well be.

It just that 99 per cent of them say that in pure reaction to exposure. Others say it and mean it, but are too lazy/ confused / stupid to get around to actually doing it. Waywards are not good at taking care of business.

Im in the UK too and have filed for divorce.

My h also threatened me months back with an 'ugly' divorce when I exposed his A.

Yet the silly dizzy wayward was too busy feeling sorry for himself to file. I had to do it this week to protect finances.

DO go see a solicitor, get all the advice, get all your plans together (read Art of War thread!) be ready for anything...

Just dont ever take the word of a wayward that's all!

I know for a fact he's flying into the UK early next Friday, there's not really any other reason for him to do so then to get a hold of our legal & financial papers (which I've made copies of and stored at work) and see a solicitor.

Like I said he may well file.

But there are other alternatives you should prepare for.

Following your exposure he may well plan on seeing you in person for any number of wayward reasons.

To keep you on the back burner/ to cake eat through a 'friendship' (ha) with you/ to vent at you/ demonise you for exposure/remove evidence from your home/damage control his reputation with people in UK

He may also just want to be around you to spy and see how serious you are and what other unpleasant consequences you might make him face.

Just be prepared for anything. Be prepared for him to file and be prepared for him not to file.

Art of War - The general that makes the most calculations is victorious.

Thanx Indie, I'll keep your advice in mind. Whereabouts in the UK are you based, maybe we could compare notes over coffee sometime?
I am based in the Midlands.

Well, I got a letter from the solicitors today, stating WH has instructed them to proceed with the divorce petition.
They also mentioned my exposure email as 'wholly inappropriate' and that my exposing my WH's affair to his colleagues 'may have jeopardised his position of employment'.

Am I missing something here? Isn't his questionable behaviour to blame for putting his career on the line?
It would be funny if it wasn't all so damn tragic.

My husband, the guy I knew, loved & would have died for, has vanished. I have no idea who this angry, bitter replacement is :-(

Maryse,

Amazing isn't it I am so sorry you are going through all this.......the guy you married is gone, he did things that changed him inside and that makes him angry, they never think of the outcome and the logistics of real life after the fantasy life becomes reality.........
He jeopardised his own employment, you didn't do anything other than tell the truth.......
Some day you might be able to laugh at how stupid they sound......all of them not just your wayward............it's like they lose their brain power.....they think with their little heads instead............hehe!!!
Just take care of yourself and let him go.......don't waste your time on this version of your husband............
hugs......I know today is a tough day for you.........jessi

Im in liverpool! Bit far for coffee, but oh well....





BAD Maryse!

A solicitor has called you 'inappropriate'! I dont think their digs at you would pass the 'so what?' test

You notice they mention nothing about defamation, or it being illegal, or afecting the D, or what their point is at all.

Of course I do not need to tell you HIS actions endangered his employment, not your revelation of it.

Either the solicitors are complete morons (this would be v good for you) or WH has leaned hard on them to threaten you and that's the best they could come up with.

Have a chuckle and move on.

You're doing brilliantly.

They stated that if I sent anymore emails that they would advise my WH to issue a Non-Molestation Application against me 'to prevent further harassment'... Absolutely laughable, and it just goes to show my WH has completely lost the plot.

You have to feel sorry for the dizzy wretches. Only sometimes though.

I do feel sorry for him, but more often I just wonder what happened to that lovely, genuine guy I once knew...

Yeah I know.

for now enslaving himself to the addiction is more of a pay off than being lovely and genuine.

He can find the way back if he has it in him.

Going through a bit of a rough patch right now.
Last week at work, we all received the invite to the annual Christmas bash and after having given it a lot of thought, I decided to decline.

Today my colleagues asked me why and I tried to explain that I just do not feel 'ready'.
They accused me of moping and were of the opinion that by not going I am putting off on living my life.

I guess I understand where they are coming from but I think it's more to do with the fact that the festive season is not too far off, and this is going to be the first time without J to celebrate with, to buy presents for, to cook the foods with, and to enjoy the little traditions we developed over the years with.

I feel it's too soon for new traditions, too soon to feel festive in any way. So I'd rather just avoid it as much as possible, at least this year.

I know that I only have to answer to myself and right now I should only do what feels right for me, but it does bother me that others seem to judge me.

Your friends are only trying to help you fill your time, they see you sad......if you don't feel like it this year that is okay, but do start a new tradition for yourself this year just for you........
Bake something different then the stuff you have in the past, put the lights up and enjoy a hot apple cider......
accept some invitations for short periods of time.........
attend your church services over the holidays..........
plan to give something to someone needy........give to the food bank

Maryse,

I am sorry to hear what you've been going through. It's small comfort, but know that all the crazy stuff he's thrown at you is standard and typical for cheating spouses pursuing an affair and divorce. ALL OF IT.

The incessant lying and gaslighting.
The fingerpointing, blame-shifting, and scapegoating.
The "alien abduction" way the WS no longer resembles anything like the character/integrity you once knew.
The WS making themselves into a "victim" of a "bad marriage/bad partner".
The WS's use of lawyers and the law to shield themselves from scrutiny (nasty letters, threats of "harrasment suits", restraining orders, etc.)
The manipulation of family/friends into believing that you are "crazy" and the WS "is just following his/her heart".
On and on....

These things are nothing more than the standard trump cards that virtually every wayward/divorcing spouse plays in the sick poker game that adultery really is. I know it is difficult, but remove yourself completely from your WH's depravity and madness. He's truly lost and he's toxic to you right now. Stay dark and out of contact. Don't feel "sorry for him" either...he is responsible for his own choices and will reap what he sows eventually.

Sorry again and I wish you well.

SDCW_man, Thanks for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

My head knows all the things you point out, it's just my heart has trouble following...

an old saying is ... LEAD your heart, do not follow it.

Your heart can lead you into trouble.

MrNiceGuy

This is what the fine, wise folk here have taught me. Many thanks again, to yourself, MaritalBliss, Pepperband, MelodyLane, CelticVoyager, Scotland, JessiTaylor, Indiegirl and all others.

All you people strengthen me in ways I could never have imagined.

Maryse,

You are very welcome. I can say these things with confidence because I experienced EVERY SINGLE ONE of them from my WW/xWW. Before I found MB (just prior to D being final) and learned the behavior patterns, she had me utterly convinced that I was at fault for everything, she had done nothing wrong, yada yada yada. I had to have been one of the most 'successfully' bamboozled, manipulated, and emotionally-abused BHs out there...and it took me a long time to pull myself out of the tailspin of misplaced guilt, depression, and near-PTSD she ushered me into.

Your story touched me and reminded me of how I felt. You're right that it's much easier to "know" these things academically in your head than it is to recover yourself and "feel" them in your heart. There are 3 keys to faciliatating this process IMO:

1) Learn all you can here and elsewhere from solid sources of info about adultery (not places that whitewash it or "Hollywood" it). The more you learn, the more you will be convinced in your "heart" as well.

2) Stay completely dark from your WH--not only refrain from ANY type of connection to him (internet, old pictures, reminders, etc.) but also do not permit him to "see you" either. In other words, stay away from people he might be in contact with, stay off facebook, don't let him "keep track" of you as much as possible. VERY, VERY DARK

3) Time...pure and simple. Develop your own life without him and enjoy YOUR pursuits on your own.

Plan B is about PERSONAL recovery even more than (possible) marital recovery. You will be glad you did it whether or not your BH ever returns to your relationship.

Sorry again for what you are going through and God Bless...

Oh absolutely. I am actually looking forward to Christmas because Plan B is working for me and I am appreciating not having to negotiate the 'whose family' situations.

But in the beginning, I blew off parties and celebrations - absolutely. There were even times when I said yes to invitations - but because the wave of despair would just happen to hit a few hours beforehand, I just had to call up last minute and say I was struggling that day.

Some people just will not get it. Unless you have been through it, it is impossible to understand.

In answer to your point 1: I am and have been doing my research. I started mostly as I did not think J's reasons for leaving me were valid, and his 180 in personality, morals and values seemed so crazy to me. And I learned a lot

The 'Hollywood' versions of affairs are really getting on my nerves though, they never focus on the fallout, only the excitement, lust and selfishness. And they tend to glamorise that aspect. So I am steering well clear of those.

In answer to point 2: I am in Plan B, but my WH seems to have plan B'd me too, only communicating through solicitors and his parents.

This is ok by me, I don't really want to deal with him in person. I dread having to see him knowing his lips have kissed another woman, his arms have held another woman, and I don't need to spell out the other things for all to know what I mean.

As to point 3: I a 35, time is on my side, and I intend to take it.
I lost my much, much loved father at the very early age of 56 in 05, and only time helped come to terms with this loss. I am treating this in the same way in many respects.

SDCW_man, you sound like a veteran, and I really appreciate your input and support. Just wish you had a crystal ball in which you could see what my future brings...

WH's parent brought our 2 cats over today (they were not allowed back into the country before due to rabies restrictions).

Seems like he is trying to sever yet more ties from our lives together.

Though I'm very happy to have 'the girls' back, it also makes me very sad....

Can you tell us more about your Plan B Maryse?

I ask because you say your husband only communicates through solicitors and his parents?

But if in Plan B, you will have changed all your numbers and email adresses so that he is forced to communciate with you in Plan B ways only. - He should only be able to reach you through an IM (are his parents your IM? The IM should be neutral, not his parents) or legal reps.

Once you have changed your numbers and closed off avenues of contact, it is not surprising that he doesnt contact you - it shouldnt be surprising because he cant. You will have made it impossible

I haven't changed my number or email address, as I also use those for my work.
I only spoke to his parents as they brought the cats around, other than that I'm not really in contact with them.

He knows that he can only communicate with me via solicitors.
What I meant was that since exposing his affair to his manager and colleagues he has been livid with me, and I think it's just nice and easy for him to pretend I don't exist.

The waywards will be that way at first in Plan B. FINALLY I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT WITHOUT BEING BOTHERED.

The wanting to see you typically doesn't come until later.

I think you are on the money on that one KarmasRose!

Though I have been incommunicado with WH since shortly after I exposed his affair at work, I finally feel like I'm now in Plan B properly.

I have our cats back, so I no longer need to worry about them when he's off to see POSOW for days at the time, and I have to say that on the whole, I'm feeling pretty calm and peaceful.

I know that any day now I will probably find the divorce petition papers on my doormat, and even though that hurts and scares me, I feel I am getting stronger.
Some days are really good and some not so, but I'm filing this squarely under 'Progress, not Perfection'.

I'm also kinda hoping that he will start to realise what he's giving up (now that the cats are gone from his place, and I've gone dark) for POSOW. Is she really worth it?

Here's to hoping that the fog may lift, if only a little.

It is important for you to know that WSs NEVER leave BSs alone to heal if it appears that that is what you want/need. He will come up with all sorts of bullspit reasons to contact you. And he will contact you in whatever way possible, purposefully to upset you and keep you in his thrall. He will get in touch because he cant find his golf clubs, do you have them?. He is getting in touch because he is so angry and must criticize you. He is sad and misses you. All of it will halt your healing. You will also know it is 'possible' for him to get in touch and so on some level are waiting for it, which is not good.

Can you at least block him on email? Do you have a strategy in case he does reach you?

For example I cannot stop my WH waiting on my doorstep or from putting a note through the door. If he does the doorstep thing I wil turn right around and go to my parents, even if it means spending the night there. If he puts a note through, I will toss it out unread.

Plan B is about protecting yor mind from his ugliness and from invasions of his nonsense, so you have to be creative, you have to block as much contact as possible and you have to have a plan.

Would you be strong enough to delete emails unread for example? That takes some willpower.

Maryse, I have been dipping in and out of your thread, seems we have some similarities in our situations. I too am not in WH's country.


People can't sustain anger indefinitely. It will fade in time. And pretend is the key word here. You can not spend 12 years with someone and forget about them overnight.

Indie is right on the money here. I know early in Plan B I was waiting for WH to wake up and realise what he is missing. Changing my mobile number was a huge step in healing for me, I stopped waiting so much, stopped jumping when the phone rang.

Ummm, that does take some willpower doesn't it I don't know if you have read my thread at all Maryse, but I didn't have that willpower and sat on an email my WH sent for over two months. Sort of savouring having it there at my disposal for when I wanted my own fix of WH. I now understand that knowing the WS has means to contact the betrayed is what is toxic to recovery. The betrayed longs for the contact, keeps the avenues open, and then has moments of rejection when that contact does not come. If the BS closes the avenues, then it helps ease the rollercoaster. The rejection has happened, the BS is now in some sense rejecting contract from the wayward, and healing can begin.

His email addresses have been blocked, and all calls are caller ID screened. I no longer answer the phone directly (after a LOT of crank calls from what I suspsect was POSOW) and instead let them go to answering machine.
His mobile number is blocked, and any calls from international numbers I delete immediately.

Should he email me from a new account, he will have to get pretty inventive. I have set up a nifty filtering programme (I work in IT, very handy in these circumstances)that will automatically dump any unsollicitated mail into my spam folder. And that gets emptied daily without being looked at.

I very much doubt that he will try and see me in person as my WS 'does not do confrontation' in other words, he is a bit of a coward. Plus, he would have to fork out for a flight or ferry over and I don't think he's willing to spend his money that way.

Thank you for your advice, Indie & Caracal.

I will most definitely pay heed.

Prepare for the unexpected anyway. All in all I think your plan is quite tight.

All Plan Bs have holes in them though. Just seal em up quick when you spot them...

I am surprised that you seem quite sure that he will try to make contact.
I really don't think he will because he is a) living it up with POSOW, b) afraid of any sort of confrontation and c)TOTALLY RIGHT and JUSTIFIED in leaving me for her (at least in his fogged-out mind)...

I'll keep your warnings in mind but I really don't think I've got much to worry about. The only signs of life I expect to get will be through his solicitor regarding the divorce.

Whether or not he tries to contact depends on how all goes in la la land. Think about the pressure on OW when things start to sour. And just as the wayward compares his BS to OW when he says I love you but I'm not in love with you, so too at the first affair fight will he compare her to you. Hmmm. She knows this on some level, so will likely try and keep up a good pretence for some time.

But unless WH breaks free of the affair and commits to your PBL conditions, you are better off not knowing of any crumbs he might try to throw your way.

Well, it's been a month since I received the letter from J's solicitor informing me of them representing him in "the unfortunate breakdown of our marriage" (WTH**c?) but so far no follow through.

Not sure if WH is waiting until after Christmas or some of you were spot on in saying that it was just empty threats...

On a good note, I got a tax rebate today! At least if it comes down to it, I have some extra money to pay those pesky solicitor's fees ;-)

I know, right!

It is indeed "unfortunate" your WH is having an affair that has caused the breakdown of your marriage. Grrr, waywards and solicitors are not a good combination!


Yay! Maybe spend a bit on spoiling yourself...

Today I had my first end of year performance review at work.

I had the first interview for my job a week after J told me he had fallen in love with POSOW and no longer wanted to be with me.
How I managed to impress them in that interview, I'll never know, I felt like could barely function, let alone 'sell' myself to prospective employers.
But somehow I did, and after a second interview I was offered the position.

Today I was told that my performance over the last few months has been 'strong, consistent and above expectation'.
Though people are aware of my situation I was worried how my personal circumstances affect my concentration, my mood and my energy levels.


I am so proud of myself. For dong this, for being strong. For landing and holding down my job in what is the most painful and difficult time of my life.

It has made me realise that I might actually be the one who will come out of this mess the stronger, more grounded person.
Not J, with his wonderful new life and soulmate. No. ME.

Exactly, you CAN not only survive but THRIVE, as long as you focus on the plans. Good work on the job front

Thats AMAZING. I couldn't handle making pasta for dinner a week after D-day, never mind embarking on a whole new career path!

Well done!

We'll just see how well his 'soulmate schmoopie' works out for him and how well the plans work out for you.

Yupp. They only think they will be better off, dust em off you like a bad habit

Grats on the job, and merry Xmas

You going for the interview a week after hearing about soulmate schmoopies bought a memory back that made me laugh. I had an interstate job interview prior to D Day but just days after getting the text about "concerns for the marriage". I had little sleep, was already entering the infidelity diet, nauseous and in a state of shock. I did this job interview dressed in PJ's and slippers, hair undone, no make-up. Thankfully there was no webcam involved! I felt I messed up royally, not even following the instructions for the online questions and having to admit to that during the phone interview, along with being asked to elaborate on answers and just saying I had nothing more to add. I was sooo embarrassed. Yet I still got offered the job, believe it or not!

As a betrayed spouse, we may be down initially, but we proove we are never out!


A lovely realisation Maryse. It is great you have been recognised on the work front in the face of adversity. Congrats!

Lord knows how I pulled it off. Survival instinct is my best guess...
Either way, this one is my victory to saviour, and the best Christmas present I could wish for bar WS repenting and coming home. Nevertheless, I'll 'happily' settle for this one for now.

Just goes to show, Plan B is so important for personal recovery.

Have a fab X-mas y'all, or as they say in my neck of the woods; Prettige Feestdagen :-)

lol caracal, "the infidelity diet". No kidding!

I felt functional the first couple of weeks... I really doubled down on recovering myself. picked up old hobbies etc. But by the time I got to the end of the month and looked back on it... WOW I was a mess. Thank goodness for the good friends and family who fed me and took care of my day to day stuff!

Maryse how r u going ? I've been following your thread and have been wondering how things are progressing?

I'm okay. Just trying to get through the festive season not feeling very festive... Unfortunately I am not at all close with whatever family I have left, and I'm in a different country to them, so I am flying completely solo here.

Got in touch with an old friend who knew us when J and I first started dating, and she too is baffled by J's behaviour and actions of the past 6 months.

So far still nothing from J' solicitors regarding the divorce. I am expecting it to come through soon though.

Hi Maryse, hope youre enjoying yourself. Since you are flying solo, be sure to make it a pampered first class kind of flight - kwim? Take care of YOU

Today I received a letter from J's solicitor requesting him access to the house next Monday to collect his mail.

I think it is pretty safe bet that that will also be the day that he will file for divorce. There is no other reason (certainly not just his mail, that he could have had forwarded via said solicitor) for him to fork out for a flight or ferry, plus some miles on either end.


This really saddens me, but I also feel somewhat relieved. It has been hanging over my head since D-day 6 months ago, and even more since exposure.

He has turned his guilt, shame and embarrassment into pure anger (hatred even?) towards me. And I suppose that is what's driving him. Easier on his conscience I guess, at least in the short run.

Youre in Plan B, so you cant possbily know his mood! Or feelings towards you. Waywards often dont know themselves!

Plan B means keeping your mind clear of WS, focusing all efforts on you and creating a wonderful life for Maryse.

I know this sounds impossible but it can be done.

Snap an elastic on your wrist whenever you think of him was my best method.

I also developed a mantra: Whenever an unbidden thought popped in, I would say 'NO NC equals crazy person'. Its nice and dismissive and allowed me to get back to thinking about me. Feel free to com up with your own

You have a bit of mourning to do, you will still remember the pain for a while. But you will not get out of your own withdrawal if you think over memories or actively analyse his feelings and actions. They dont matter. Yours do.

As for the mail, is that really necessary? Cant you just hand the mail to the solicitor or someone else?

I would feel nevous about him in my home. Unrepentant waywards are much worse than random strangers. Have someone there who can keep an eye on him.

That is VERY true....
But I also know that he doesn't like to lose a day's fees (he's a consultant) so there has to be something important enough for him to do exactly that, AND pay for the travel.



Haha, I'd have looked like a mad woman over the festive period!
I'm back at work now, and that makes it all so much easier



It's just an excuse. Maybe he wants to see what I've done to the place, maybe he wants his winter coat, maybe he wants to give our cats a New Years hug. I don't really care.



Again, I don't really care all that much. I have made copies of all pertinent papers, stored them securely at work.

I also arranged some secure storage for my more valuable trinkets. I sold the iPad he guilt gifted me to a colleague today.

If he want to come and take the TV and his surround sound system, he's welcome to it.

It's not in his best interest to do anything derogatory to the house or its contents as we own it together.
If we are to divorce it will have to be sold, so it's in his best interest to keep it looking as pristine as possible considering the way the market is.

Thanks Indie, I decided that was a very good idea. I now start humming 'Move on up' by the late great Curtis Mayfield whenever my thoughts stray where they shouldn't.
Inspirational and uplifting

Argh! Plan B broken!
Came home from work yesterday to find J still at the house.

We talked some, and when he finally left he gave me a long hug.
I know this is bad, but at least the feelings of anger and resentment over my exposure seem to have dissipated.

He is still very fogged out, saying OW had nothing to do with him leaving, and that he nearly lost his job after exposure.
When I told him that he shouldn't have been dipping his pen in the company inkwell, he said it had nothing to do with me and I had no right.

Wrong! I am married to you so I have every right, and it has everything to do with me. Do you blame a witness to a crime for shopping a criminal to the police? He said we'll never agree on it.

He told me he went to his solicitors to have some amendments made to the divorce petition regarding MY unreasonable behaviour. Yuck, stupid legal system. I wish this country would allow 'irreconcilable differences' as grounds for divorce rather than having to resort to slinging mud at the (in my case) innocent party.

Anyway, back to deep dark plan B. Let the solicitors deal with it.

Hi Maryse,

I was wondering how you Monday went. I am in no way qualified to offer you advice... just support.

I feel for you honey. These WS are just incredible aren't they!

Lots of positive vibes coming your way. Find your inner strength and love thy self x

See how you can never know what it is a wayward really wants because they dont know themselves? He showed up to see you and spout crap. Thats why I wanted an IM with him or him not granted access to the house.

With every break in Plan B, you need to identify the gaps, plug them up so it can never happen again. I know you feel good about this break (he wore the 'I care' pose) but actually he just walked all over you by not respecting the one thing you asked him to do (NC with you until NC with her) - which however is to be expected from these aliens.

So I would suggest your plan B needs the following changes:

1) Not granting him access to your house again without him being babysat and kept away from you. Preferably not granted access at all.

2) If you ever see him unexpectedly again, whether in your street, at your workplace, at your door, at a swanky party where you have your formal manners on and people to impress - you must do the following.

SMILE, TURN AROUND AND WALK SWIFLTY AWAY down the street to where you cannot be followed. He must not be allowed to communicate with you or experience your presence in any way again.

3) Same thing with indirect methods of communication. You get an unexpected note thorugh the door or handwritten letter mailed. As soon as you realise its from him - drop it like it is hot, unread. Delete any email or text if he manages to get one through without reading it. This is essential.

Seriously tighten up your boundaries, Maryse. Waywards like to test the water and you have just given him one free swim too many. He will step up his campaign to cake eat at your expense shortly and try harder to break Plan B than he has so far and you must be prepared for that.

I have lost count of the number of times a BS says: 'Oh he doesnt want to have contact with me'

Then BOOM - break in Plan B. Each attempt more severe than the last.

And J? You need a better wayward nickname for him than that.

This is right, and until he sees it he will keep on giving excuses..."Well if she didn't...If they didn't..IF, woulda coulda shoulda..."

Ask him what happened to the time when he would gladly keep the rules, because love was that important to him, you were..

Just like a criminal who hasn't yet figured out that they have been fooled, and its up to them to right the wrong, he will blame everything else..

[quote]Aaah Maryse, waywards truly are so predictable arent' they? Showing disrespect for your boundaries.

The anger can't last. Especially when the wayward starts to realise it isn't getting him anywhere... it isn't getting him contact with YOU. So then they stop the tantrum, and try to be nice...

See?

I still find Plan B extremely difficult at times (even still, I know some Plan B'ers will shake their heads at that lol). I remind myself that any contact with Gollum will reinforce to him that what he is doing is ok. I know somewhere in Gollum is a piece of my husband who still wants my respect and admiration. Whether my husband can ever defeat the lure of the affair is unknown. Time will tell. Regardless, I will never condone his affair, he will never get approval from me for his actions.

Gollum sent me an email before Christmas. I wanted to read it, I wanted to send him one back. But I realised that either of those actions would reinforce his behaviour is acceptable. That we will come out of this as friends. NEVER!

I don't need friends who stab me in the back, lie about it and walk away whilst I am bleeding on the floor. I have good friends without an unrepetant wayward!

Hmm, depends on what the J stands for...

If it is just his name, be creative Maryse! I am finding a nickname helps me identify that my husband has gone, and I have now named the bodysnatcher in control.

What does he think you are doing here, retiling the kitchen floor?

You guys are right, I need a name to identify the creature who looks and sounds like my husband, but clearly isn't my husband.

Got to give it some thought, but suggestions are most welcome!

Also as of today, I have changed my mobile number and network. My old one was in his name. I've sent a letter to his solicitor asking them to inform WH he can close my mobile account down as I have made 'alternative arrangements'.

That's another avenue closed off for him, he does not get my new number.

I can't deny him access to the house according to my solicitor, as both our names are on the deeds. If I change the locks my WH has the legal right to gain access by breaking down the door or breaking a window, or by whatever other means he sees fit.

Got to come up with an alternative...

Let him then take the bother to decide whether to take his legal right or not.
Stop trying to project his actions.
You only control you.
Stop living in fear of upsetting him.

It's not that, I just don't want to come home to a vandalised house. It's my home, I live here. He doesn't...

In reality, you could always come home to a vandalised house.
Any moment, any day, someone could break in, not just a wayward husband.
I totally understand not wanting to stir the pot and rile him up but how long are you willing to live that way?

Point taken. Just not sure what to do moving forward...
Maybe I should send a letter to his solicitor insisting there is to be no direct contact between him and me. Then it is official, e.g. on record.

Maryse I am in the same boat as you, got the same legal advice and the law on paper is not the same thing as the law in reality.

Do you think there are locksmith police roaming the streets making sure that BWs have the door held open for their WHs? Who is going to enforce his (very tenuous) legal right?

I told my solicitor I had already changed the locks. I said the property was still his if he needed access to it for any (valid) reason but there was no way he was getting in without someone I trust accompanying him. She told me that that was illegal and I should be aware that he can break in.

I then said what should I do if he does that, and she said to call the police but that they may choose to do nothing. (My personal workplace experience with the police is however that they will come out to 'keep the peace' and would prob tell him to leave for the night or he would be arrested)

She said that we would then send a very strongly worded letter that he must respect my privacy and make proper arrangements to access the house. If that didnt work we would look at a restraining order.

But he has never tried. He doesnt want to break in. Because he knows I am serious. He doesnt want broken windows, he wants a gullible BS holding the door open, waiting to let him cake eat.

If he does break in, then do him for criminal damage. His accessing the house by force is still preferable to your allowing him in. Because thats what he wants.

Got an email at work today with the names of newly recruited staff and a name jumped out at me; JP, a former colleague of J's and a guest at our wedding.

Emailed him to say hi, and he responded with surprise that I was working there. Said him and some other ex colleagues had texted and emailed WH inviting him and me to the annual pre-Christmas get-together. WH had not responded to any of them.

Told JP what had happened, and he was gobsmacked. Said he did not recognise the J he'd known for all these years...

Nothing I had not heard or felt myself before, but it was nice to get some (more) validation that I have not lost my mind and that J truly has changed into someone nobody seems to recognise