My husb and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 kids. He is AD army and he's been deployed for half of our marriage. When he's home I frequently find him texting other women. I can recall 3 prior to the most recent. he always deletes the texts or claims he can't remember what they were about.
A few days ago I discovered that while I go to practice (I have practice 4-5 days a week) he is texting some girl he works with. He deletes the texts but I confronted him and he can't remember what it was about.
I have been thought this with him so many times and we have had the discussion about Appropriate relationships repeatedly. He knows it's wrong IMO or he wouldn't have deleted the messages.
Upon discovery I was ready to pack up and leave. I'm sick of this life of stomach in knots and begging for the truth. I don't have to know what really happened to leave. I just can't say with 100% certainty that I love him. I feel an almost indifference because I have guarded myself against his secrets for so long.
I have introduced marriage builders methods to him (during his most recent deployment to Cuba when he refused to call me but swore he wasn't cheating). I told him that he needed to read the website and get to know it because it was our only chance at saving our marriage.....he read the zombie apocalypse survival guide instead.
It's been 3 days since I had said I was leaving. I play on a roller derby team and truthfully I didn't leave because I had practice the next day and my status on the team isn't transferable yet. Stupid I know. I want to leave. But the longer I am here the weaker I feel. He is full of lies and baloney. Empty promises and tantrums.
I kicked him out of our room cause I just didn't want to be near him. He keeps asking me if he can come back in cause he knows I feel guilty. Heist tying to wear me down and play on my own self doubt. Heh as done it successfully for many years.
I don't know what to do. Truthfully I have no desire to put a moments effort into our marriage. I just don't feel like I should have to do anymore. He hasn't lifted a finger for it and i am tired of being the only one concerned about its longevity.
Does this even make sense? What the heck am I struggling with? There are financial holes keeping me here too but if I really wanted to get away would my sports even matter? Ivetried so hard not to feel anything where he is concerned that I have finally gotten my wish and I have no idea what to do when I'm not acting on raw emotion. Am I supposed to be waiting for him to indicate that he does care? Its obvious through his actions that he doesn't. Nothing has changed since he got home in may. He mows the lawn now whereas before I was doing it. He helps around the house more. But when I leave the house he is texting other women. I don't understand what is going wrong and what the heck is left for me to do.
At insight anyone can offer would be nice.
Ps....we found out Friday that he is getting med boarded from the army within about a year. So that is another something I am chewing on.
MissLady,
Has anything really changed since last February when you posted?
Please click the notify button at the bottom of the page and ask the moderator to move this thread to the surviving an affair forum, where you will get more answers/posts.
What is your question? Do you want to save your marriage or have you decided upon divorce?
AM
Sorry my mistake. This is the second time I have posted here and have been advised not to post in the military marriage section. I will repost. And be more clear about what I am asking.
MissLady,
Has anything really changed since last February when you posted?
Please click the notify button at the bottom of the page and ask the moderator to move this thread to the surviving an affair forum, where you will get more answers/posts.
What is your question? Do you want to save your marriage or have you decided upon divorce?
AM
Did you see armymama's questions?
What are your answers?
LOOOOOOOOng story short: My husb is AD army. I've suspected he's cheated for years and it all blew up in his face. Now we are dealing with him having cheated with a girl in his unit and are trying to work it out. The PROBLEM: He has to work with her every single day. There was a no contact order inititally and now it has been lifted. How do we proceed without seperating him from her? I am not ok with it obviously. He is claiming commitment to the marriage but part of it is ending the affair where I am comfortable. He told me that he told her it was over and he has to focus on his family. All words. And I have to live with him seeing her everyday. What can I do?
LOOOOOOOOng story short: My husb is AD army. I've suspected he's cheated for years and it all blew up in his face. Now we are dealing with him having cheated with a girl in his unit and are trying to work it out. The PROBLEM: He has to work with her every single day. There was a no contact order inititally and now it has been lifted. How do we proceed without seperating him from her? I am not ok with it obviously. He is claiming commitment to the marriage but part of it is ending the affair where I am comfortable. He told me that he told her it was over and he has to focus on his family. All words. And I have to live with him seeing her everyday. What can I do?
Sorry that you were correct about him having an affair.
Why would they lift the NC order? Have you talked to the IG yourself?
Since my last post in Feb he came home from Cuba and things were awful. We PCSed to a new location and within 4 months of arrivig he had a new girlfriend. I found the emails "I love you I miss you I can't wait to see your beautiful face....".
Divorce sounds like it sucks. We have three kids. I am willing to do what I need to to help our marriage but I don't think there's a whole lot more I can do. It has to come from him at this point. I am lost and I don't know what the right answer is. I am in pain. He completely neglected me for a year while in Cuba and then came home and immediately cheated on me. His actions say that he doesn't care to be maried but he is an expert liar. And he is saying that he wants us to work it out and that everything is going to be ok with us. But it's so not. He still works with this woman every day.
Since my last post in Feb he came home from Cuba and things were awful. We PCSed to a new location and within 4 months of arrivig he had a new girlfriend. I found the emails "I love you I miss you I can't wait to see your beautiful face....".
Divorce sounds like it sucks. We have three kids. I am willing to do what I need to to help our marriage but I don't think there's a whole lot more I can do. It has to come from him at this point. I am lost and I don't know what the right answer is. I am in pain. He completely neglected me for a year while in Cuba and then came home and immediately cheated on me. His actions say that he doesn't care to be maried but he is an expert liar.
So do you want to try and save this marriage?
Why did they lift the NC order?
I declined to press charges in the matter because he is being med boarded. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and an Article 15 wouldn't have been beneficial to me or my children. I did not talk to IG no. He told me that they lifted it yesterday.
I declined to press charges in the matter because he is being med boarded. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and an Article 15 wouldn't have been beneficial to me or my children. I did not talk to IG no. He told me that they lifted it yesterday.
Please hit notify and have your threads merged.
So do you want to save this marriage? It will be impossible with him in contact with OW everyday.
I am assuming that the reason they lifted the no contact order because it is an inconvenience to the unit. They developed this relationship because they were consistently paired up with one another. Alone in an FLA all the time, on ranges together. It's quite romantic really how the army could help such star crossed lovers come together. I'm still angry can you tell?
I do want to fix it. That woul be ideal. Do I believe it can be fixed.....? I don't know.
I am assuming that the reason they lifted the no contact order because it is an inconvenience to the unit. They developed this relationship because they were consistently paired up with one another. Alone in an FLA all the time, on ranges together. It's quite romantic really how the army could help such star crossed lovers come together. I'm still angry can you tell?
I do want to fix it. That woul be ideal. Do I believe it can be fixed.....? I don't know.
Well friend, if you want to save this marriage you will have to step up and expose this affair.
Go to the IG and press charges.
How many OW has he had? Is this new OW3 married?
I feel it will be impossible with him in contact with her everyday. I suppose I was hoping some veteran would get on here and say I could go and ask that he be moved out of the unit for some other reason that won't cause an article 15. Is that a reality? Cause my reality right now is nothing but his promises to go to counseling and telling me he loves me using the same terms of endearment he used with her. The only difference is that he has (I think...again, hes a liar)told me everything about it. Any question I have he answers but that doesn't help with the daily contact thing. And Oh, he also says they never had sex......probably a lie but who knows.
No, she is single and 26 no kids. Apparently now (after a week) she has become a lesbian since she can't have the man she wants. This is the 2nd OW. I knew about the 1st on instinct only. He NEVER EVER confessed. Until this one and then he told me that I was right about OW1 and he was sorrry that he deceived me and made me think I was crazy....
OW1 was 2.5 years ago.
As far as exposure is concerned, the entire unit knows already. I had a moments lapse of self control and shoulder checked her into a trash can in front of the entire unit. Command included. They alllll know. They just hadn't started an investigation because I said not to.
No, she is single and 26 no kids. Apparently now (after a week) she has become a lesbian since she can't have the man she wants. This is the 2nd OW. I knew about the 1st on instinct only. He NEVER EVER confessed. Until this one and then he told me that I was right about OW1 and he was sorrry that he deceived me and made me think I was crazy....
OW1 was 2.5 years ago.
I would have him take a poly.
Have you been tested for STD? Instead of counseling how about MB coaching?
He will continue to gaslight you until he has to deal with the consequences. He is the one that chose to have the affair.
Until you stop protecting him, he will continue to not be held responsible.
A poly? How would I even do that?
I've never been tested for an STD no.
I would LOVE to try MB coaching but if he can't be removed from her because of his job then is there even any hope?
He tells me everyday that he feels nothing for her at all. He doesn't know what it was but it's done....
As much as I would love to go to his command and have that process happen it will take everything and with his med board we really can't afford it. If I were leaving I would have done it already and burned all the people involved on my way out. There were several people who assisted in covering up their relationship.
I don't know how to make a consequence. He has all the control. Again. Somehow he has all the control.
As far as exposure is concerned, the entire unit knows already. I had a moments lapse of self control and shoulder checked her into a trash can in front of the entire unit. Command included. They alllll know. They just hadn't started an investigation because I said not to.
This needs to be exposed to the IG if you are serious about saving your marriage. That is your only hope. The entire unit knowing is meaningless, obviously, because they have no control over him.
Your husband can't take this seriously if you don't take it seriously. The reason he continues to cheat (and will keep cheating) is because no one will stop him.
As much as I would love to go to his command and have that process happen it will take everything and with his med board we really can't afford it.
You aren't going to make it. You are headed towards a divorce right now. He will drag you through the sewer for a couple more years and then divorce you for an OW.
I was afraid to hear this advice. I knew it already but its hard to look at.
I was afraid to hear this advice. I knew it already but its hard to look at.
I know.
The only shot I see here is for you to report this to the IG and let them hold him accountable. Otherwise, he is not going to change into a man who can honor a marriage. As it is now, you are headed on the fast train to divorce.
I declined to press charges in the matter because he is being med boarded. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and an Article 15 wouldn't have been beneficial to me or my children. I did not talk to IG no. He told me that they lifted it yesterday.
I believe that you actually enable self destructive behavior by protecting your Husband from facing the natural consequences of his affairs.
If they are against military then that is his problem, not yours if he is dishonorably discharged.
It feels like my choices are to save my marriage at the cost of my children's wellbeing or wait patiently and watch my marriage crumble.
An IG investigation would not only ruin his already ending army career but literally take from the mouths of my children. I mean in all seriousness where would I get resources to feed them and make the car and rent payment. I had thought about it already knowing that an invstigation would get him sent to a different unit but decided that the financial strain it would put on ME and our family would be too much.
Is there any other way to get him out of this unit? Or are yu saying this is bigger than just separating the lovebirds?
It feels like my choices are to save my marriage at the cost of my children's wellbeing or wait patiently and watch my marriage crumble.
It is in your children's best interest for you to save your marriage. Divorce will be devastating to them.
An IG investigation would not only ruin his already ending army career but literally take from the mouths of my children.
Your husband has ruined his career all on his own. You don't have the power to ruin it. All you are doing is protecting him from the consequences of his terrible choices, which helps him remain a bad man.
You are an enabler. By helping him hide his crimes, you help him remain corrupt. So nothing changes.
Here's the thing. Your husband is a player and is going to get kicked out of the military sooner or later because no one will stop him. You can wait until he loses it ALL or you can report it to the IG now and tell him your dilemma. Ask him to make sure whatever happens, that his family is protected. That is typically what happens.
Is there any other way to get him out of this unit? Or are yu saying this is bigger than just separating the lovebirds?
Why? So he can just move onto the next chick? Your husband is in the military to troll for chicks. He will continue to troll unless and until he is stopped.
It feels like my choices are to save my marriage at the cost of my children's wellbeing or wait patiently and watch my marriage crumble.
An IG investigation would not only ruin his already ending army career but literally take from the mouths of my children. I mean in all seriousness where would I get resources to feed them and make the car and rent payment. I had thought about it already knowing that an invstigation would get him sent to a different unit but decided that the financial strain it would put on ME and our family would be too much.
Is there any other way to get him out of this unit? Or are yu saying this is bigger than just separating the lovebirds?
So you think you should sit back and let this affair continue? Why? You are enabling your wayward husband, MissLady. Do you think that there are no resources for you if you kick your husband's [censored] to the curb? He still has a responsibility to you and your children.
I guess that's what I'm doing right? Letting the affair continue since he's not been reprimanded by them? Or is it that he's not out of the unit?
I know that him working with her everyday will never be ok. That's why I am looking for avenues to get him moved. Am I right to think that them working together will end up with them right back where they were? And if that's the case what's there to save if he is in love with another woman why would I want to stay anyway?
I mean if he is so easily pulled and gone what's there to work on? I have been faithful and loyal to our marriage for ten years...Even if I go forward with the investigation why would he not do it again anyway. I mean doesn't that mea he doesn't love me? Shouldn't I have more pride and dignity and just walk away? This whole situation is junk. I don't deserve this at all.
If you report him to the IG they will be watching him in the future. But that will just be a temporary fix. Just getting him away from her is not going to resolve the problem.
HE will do it again unless he gets out of the military altogether and gets into an occupation where he is not surrounded by temptation.
If you report him to the IG they will be watching him in the future. But that will just be a temporary fix. Just getting him away from her is not going to resolve the problem.
HE will do it again unless he gets out of the military altogether and gets into an occupation where he is not surrounded by temptation.
He is getting out. He will be out in about a year because he is in the process of a med board. An article 15 would not only take money out of our immediate paycheck (we are a one income family) but also take rank which affects his retirement.
Isn't temptation everywhere? I mean any job he takes will have women involved.
I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it. The obstacle to me is the separation of he and she. Because that's the first step to ending the affair right?
He could implement EPs that help him avoid situations conducive to an affair. And at any rate you are approaching the 10 year mark. As far as the army goes, you would be taken care of if divorce happened after that point. Wouldn't you be entitled to half his retirement?
Just think -- your marriage can withstand hardships, like having the income cut. It cannot survive his having affairs left and right. It will not take long before he tries to do something like replace you with an OW and try to get you to sign away all your rights to his money.
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He is getting out. He will be out in about a year because he is in the process of a med board. An article 15 would not only take money out of our immediate paycheck (we are a one income family) but also take rank which affects his retirement.
Isn't temptation everywhere? I mean any job he takes will have women involved.
Well then I would say that your main problem is acceptance. You just have to be willing to accept the fact that he will continue to have affairs. That is the price you pay to protect his job. And that is certainly your choice! But there is nothing we can do to help you. Like Dr Harley says, it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.
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I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it.
He hasn't been outed to anyone who will hold him accountable. Your "outing" was worthless. But you already know that. You might as well have exposed him to the mailman just so you can say you "exposed."
And yes, you are making excuses. But that's ok! It's your life and if you choose to accept sharing your husband with other women, that is your right. Your priority is protecting his job at ALL cost. Again, your right!
He could implement EPs that help him avoid situations conducive to an affair. And at any rate you are approaching the 10 year mark. As far as the army goes, you would be taken care of if divorce happened after that point. Wouldn't you be entitled to half his retirement?
Just think -- your marriage can withstand hardships, like having the income cut. It cannot survive his having affairs left and right. It will not take long before he tries to do something like replace you with an OW and try to get you to sign away all your rights to his money.
EPs? I'm sorry I'm drawing a blank. And yes. In a divorce I would put him through the ringer. He would be paying me most of his paycheck for a very long time. I already talked to an attorney. Financially it's "cheaper to keep her". However in my situation it's better for me to leave in that way...not considering of course the trauma of divorce for my children and for me.
I just can't imagine any more freaking hardships with this man. But I know that's true.
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I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it.
He hasn't been outed to anyone who will hold him accountable. Your "outing" was worthless. But you already know that. You might as well have exposed him to the mailman just so you can say you "exposed."
And yes, you are making excuses. But that's ok! It's your life and if you choose to accept sharing your husband with other women, that is your right. Your priority is protecting his job at ALL cost. Again, your right!
Now your'e just being mean. Thanks.
No, ML is being truthful. You don't seem to mind sacrificing your marriage if it protects his job.
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I know how it sounds....Like I am making excuses for not blasting him professionally but the obstacle I see isn't so much that it hasn't been outed....It has been outed. Everyone in his entire unit knows because I called him out in front of everyone and asked his first line what they were going to do about it.
He hasn't been outed to anyone who will hold him accountable. Your "outing" was worthless. But you already know that. You might as well have exposed him to the mailman just so you can say you "exposed."
And yes, you are making excuses. But that's ok! It's your life and if you choose to accept sharing your husband with other women, that is your right. Your priority is protecting his job at ALL cost. Again, your right!
Now your'e just being mean. Thanks.
No, I am not being mean. I am being truthful. Your husband is being MEAN.
With your help... Again, there is nothing we can do if you aren't willing to do anything. If you choose to do nothing, then you also have to be willing to accept the consequences.
No, ML is being truthful. You don't seem to mind sacrificing your marriage if it protects his job.
This is what I'm seeing. Do you want to save your marriage, or not? I would be raising holy hell and ringing phones off the hook with his superiors. Have you done this?
Yes. I told his first line the day I found out. I've been in contact with his LT as well. They had to remove the No Contact order because I didn't bring forward the emails. He admitted the affair to his command when they asked. They were waiting to know if I was going to press charges or work out my marriage.
His LT has told me that there will never be a tasking that they have together "The scheduling will never happen that way".
I feel that I know the army better than that which is why I am upset. They can't change him to another unit without an investigation.
Thank you for your feedback. I have a lot to process... I may not be as invested in saving my marriage as I originally thought.
Written by Mortarman, board member and former IG:
If one or both of the infidels are members of the military, you have a GREAT asset! Why? Because it is against the law to commit adultery. And their command can and will order them to cease and desist...and me even punish them!
How do you do this? Well, each service is a little different. So, you will need to figure out which service they are a part of and then search out the corresponding agency that handles it. In the Army (and the Air Force), they have an Inspector General. The Navy/Marines should also.
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
So, as I said, the IG is the place to go.
When you call the IG, make sure you have at least the SM's name, his/her rank and unit, if you can get it. If you need help, ask someone you know that knows military rank and unit patches, and have them look at Facebook pictures or describe to them what their uniform looks like. Tell the IG everything you know. There are privacy protections...so you can give them info in confidence (one note: any information that directly implicates someone in an illegal act is not covered by privacy protections. Please understand that an IG is a Federal investigator!).
The IG will be adept at receiving these kinds of complaints, so will have additional questions for you. Answer them completely. If you dont know the answer, tell them you dont know. Or if you can get the answer, ask them if you should and get back to them.
Again, I cannot emphasize this enough...an IG is a Federal investigator. Which means, if you lie to them...there is jailtime and a huge fine. So dont do it! Tell them nothing but facts!!
At the end of the interview, the IG will advise you that they will pursue this...but they will not be able, sue to privacy rights, to let you know what the results of the investigation are. But you wont need them!!
Why? Because when that SM immediately stops contacting your spouse or contacts your spose and tells them they have been ordered not to see them anymore...then things will go nuclear. But that is the beauty of exposure. But unlike exposure in the civilian world, after exposure with a military member involved...well, no contact will be implemented immediately.
How do we know? Because if the SM is ordered not to see your spouse, and they do...then they have disobeyed a direct order. Then you call the IG, tell them contact continues. And there is almost nothing worse in the military than disobeying a direct order!! There WILL be criminal charges then!
So, do you research. Find out what unit they are in...or at least what post/base they are from. Then contact the unit of base/post IG. Do this at the same time that you do your exposure elsewhere (family, friends, etc).
Note: I wish that in the civilian world, there should be laws just like the military has.
MissLady, you accused MelodyLane of being "mean". She was not "mean". What you will find below if you have the guts to continue reading will be much closer to "mean".
You have a fanciful idea that you can make the "recovered marriage omelet" without breaking some eggs. It is impossible. You are going to have to decide if saving your marriage, for your own, and your children's, long term welfare is worth fighting (and that may include fighting "dirty") for.
NO ONE can drive the changes that you require in your husband's heinous behavior but you. You may get help, if you care to initiate the processes to enlist that help, but it all comes down to you.
Are you gainfully employed? (Can roller-derby pay the bills?) If not, you'd better understand that the gremade you're about to toss at WH's fantasy life will very likely damage his earning power, and you will have to make up the diufference.
Or not. You may decide to put your money on the slot that means you will be a stay-at-home BW, while WH is out regularly with his latest piece. There are medical risks to that strategy, and procedural risks as well, as in the possibility that one of his conquests skips a period due to her dalliance with her lover - your husband. Or, for his own reasons, he might just decide that things are going so well with his side-action, that he would choose to ditch his legal family.
So, what will it be, kiddo? Are you in, or are you out?
I'm just so scared of all of this. I find it paralyzing. I don't know why I am so afraid of him getting mad. He's not physically abusive or anything but I know he is messing with my head in knowing that I don't want him to be mad. I was so proud of myself for going to his command in the beginning. It felt like such a huge step. It's horrifying to learn that as hard as that was it wasn't enough. And his family, while I would have ZERO problem going to them and telling them the truth, would only tell him that "everyone makes mistakes...".
I just hate this unknown realm. I feel like I KNOW what I should do but I am afraid. And what's more I am looking to divorce because it seems so much easier than this. HE IS WRONG. I didn't do anything and still I am doing all the work and I am suffering. I am on the forum and he is playing video games. I've read the books and he was proud of himself for reading the basic concepts....I can't make him love me or care for me. I can't make him do anything. Nor would I want to.
Am I afraid because I know that he would leave and that scares me? Probably. Why hasn't he left?! There's a part of me that wishes he would but is terrified that he will.
All these years I have stayed at home with the kids so that I could be available as his wife and as a mother for the needs of my family. I've sat on my Bachelors degree and gone to school for countless certifications for the day the kids are all in school and I can begin my career. I've always been afraid that given a career and my own money it would be too easy to walk in a crisis or even a deployment-realizing that he isn't meeting my needs and I don't need him at all. It's all been a big fat lie. 10 years of a lie and a crutch. Ugh. I am sick of myself.
Either way I'm staring down a crappy situation. I guess to save my marriage I have to go to IG. How do I know if it's worth saving?
"Economic considerations
A divorce, and even separation, can have dire economic consequences for a betrayed spouse. Many wives of cheating husbands that I've counseled are economically dependent on him. If she exposes the affair, she fears that he will leave her, creating financial hardship. So in those cases, before exposing the affair, I generally encourage her to plan for that possibility.
Women's shelters usually offer both legal and financial advice for women who find themselves dependent on irresponsible men. Temporary aid from government, religious, and other charitable agencies can provide a safety net for those women. While exposure usually causes the affair to end, these betrayed women can expose his affair with less fear when they know that separation will not leave them destitute.
When there is an affair in the workplace, my general advice is that the unfaithful spouse must quit the job and find another to avoid ever seeing or talking to the lover again. But while the affair is taking place and the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to resign, should a betrayed spouse expose the affair to the employer?
While I unhesitatingly recommend exposing the affair to friends, family, clergy, children, and the lover's spouse, I'm not so quick to suggest exposing it to an employer. That's because such an exposure could have unintended legal and economic consequences. For example, the affair might constitute grounds for a sexual harassment claim by the unfaithful spouse's lover. Or, it might trigger an outright firing of the spouse, making it far more difficult to find another job. So my advice whether or not to expose to an employer is usually made on a case-by-case basis."
How can I ask Dr. Harleys advice in my situation. If it's case by case then how is this case determined? Now that I have read this I am confused.
You can send an email to the Harleys, or call into the radio show.
There is no way to recover from an A if your spouse is still working with the OW every day, so I cannot imagine Dr Harley advising you to not expose to the IG.
You have to stop making your decisions based on FEAR, MissLady. You need to to have a PLAN. MB offers you that plan. The plan you are in now is called Plan Confusion, and it will make you crazy.
"
How can I ask Dr. Harleys advice in my situation. If it's case by case then how is this case determined? Now that I have read this I am confused.
Misslady, you can write Dr. Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
I will just tell you that many people before you have destroyed their marriages by using that passage as an excuse NOT to expose the affair. Dr. Harley was alarmed by that so he posted this earlier this year to a SAHM who was letting her marriage die because of her refusal to expose a workplace affair:
"I have not read everything in this thread, but I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action. While most companies will cooperate with the betrayed spouse to separate unfaithful employees, some do not. But it's still worth pursuing considering the suffering that affairs cause. And it definitely speeds up the death of an affair.
As for proof regarding an affair, the more you have, the better. But even if you have no absolute proof, but solid circumstantial evidence, a visit to the head of personnel can alert others to be on watch."
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
Either way I'm staring down a crappy situation. I guess to save my marriage I have to go to IG. How do I know if it's worth saving?
You have nothing to lose by doing it, other than a fast train that is headed to divorce, and everything to gain. Your only chance to protect your marriage is exposing and hoping they will hold him accountable and perhaps even kick him out of the military. In almost every case I am familiar with in the history of this forum, the IG and the commander worked with the married couple to a) separate the affairees and b) in many cases, facilitate early retirement.
You don't have an easy choice here, Misslady, but the worst possible choice you can make, and the most risky, is to continue to hide his affair for him. Like Harley said:
"....I want to make it clear that I am in favor of exposure of an affair in the workplace when a spouse will not leave the job after or during an affair with a fellow worker. An affair is such an egregious violation of marital trust that ending it trumps employment and even possible legal action."
I'm just so scared of all of this. I find it paralyzing. I don't know why I am so afraid of him getting mad...I don't want him to be mad...I just hate this unknown realm. I feel like I KNOW what I should do but I am afraid...I can't make him do anything. Nor would I want to...Am I afraid because I know that he would leave and that scares me?...I've always been afraid that given a career and my own money it would be too easy to walk...I don't need him at all. It's all been a big fat lie. 10 years of a lie and a crutch. Ugh. I am sick of myself...I guess to save my marriage I have to go to IG. How do I know if it's worth saving?
When UW speaks of the "Plan C(onfusion)" that is detectable within your story, MissLady, the segments above lend credence to her phrasing.
Okay, slow down, my friend. As awful and distasteful as you find your situation, you are not the first one to arrive here in the same state.
The MB Affair Recovery Program starts with killing the active affair. It must be dead and buried. That requires not just "not knocking boots any longer" but also hard-and-fast, imprenetrable no-contact between the APs. So, set in your mind that you are NOT going to the IG for any reason associated with "revenge" on your WH, or more damage to be done to the POSOW (although that might be a beneficial side-effect), but just to set the stage for your consideration of what step you might decide to take subsequently.
We can guide you through each step of this process, MissLady. All you need to do is steel yourself to conduct the fight.
Are you in?
Listen to the the information they give it works. Especially NG
So I'm obviously in plan C........ Where do I begin?
So I'm obviously in plan C........ Where do I begin?
By killing the affair with a full blown exposure. Using the military to aide you by going to the IG.
Also let his CO and staff NCO know about the affair. Trust me I'm military and had to do the same thing on my WW. Best way to do that is to do it in person.
Also let his CO and staff NCO know about the affair. Trust me I'm military and had to do the same thing on my WW. Best way to do that is to do it in person.
Thanks TD. Maybe you can give MissLady some pointers? Her WH and OW still work in the same unit and they lifted the NC order because she didn't proceed with the charges and so now she won't complete exposure.
You need to follow through. He will be angry but the storm will calm. Also do you have some mutual friends in his unit? Expos� to them as well
So I talked to his LT and she said that although I can still bring charges, why would I want to since we are working it out..... Then she said that if I do bring charges it's likely now since the no contact order has been lifted that any evidence they could have found is likely gone. I'm assuming she means emails? The ones I have are from my husband to his girlfriend and nothing including her response. Just her email address being the recipient.
The LT said that's enough to start an investigation but not enough to have a consequence that will remove him from the unit. Is she just avoiding paperwork?
Well, obviously you are not "working it out" if your husband still works with the OW. And your evidence is your own husband's admission of the affair. Your husband can admit his affair and ask to be removed from the unit. And if he isn't removed, then Plan B would be warranted. Are you familiar with Plan B?
The LT said that's enough to start an investigation but not enough to have a consequence that will remove him from the unit. Is she just avoiding paperwork?
Yes, or trying to just sweep it under the rug. But we already told you this. From board member and former IG, Mortarman:
The reason I say go to the IG, rather than the commander of the person's unit, is that many times, the commander might like the servicemember (SM) so they might just sweep it under the rug. That you do NOT want to happen! So, with the IG, they will go to the commander, tell him that they have this complaint...and the commander will conduct an investigation. The IG will oversee this, making sure that the commander does the right thing...and if a violation is found, that the appropriate actions/punishment happen. It will NOT be swept under the rug!
At the same time, even if ABSOLUTE proof is not found, at the very least, that commander is going order the SM to not contact your spouse...because the IG is hanging over their head. He/she will just tell them that even if nothing is going on, they are ordered not to make any more contact to make SURE nothing will go on!
Yeah I agree do the IG and have the LT do investigation. Do it at the same time, LT sounds lazy and thing to protect the cheating soldier.
Half measures will not cut it, my friend. Did you learn nothing from your last aborted sojourn into having the military assist you? Go to the IG, and when you do, let him know that the LT is aware of the situation and actively interested in solving this readiness problem in her unit. (Might as well keep her on your side.)