I know this guy for about 12 years. We started talking a lot lately last year. He has problems with his marriage as well. My husband and I have been married for over 12 years and about 2 years ago or so, we started drifting. Sex is not often. This friend of mine would text me a lot and call me. He pays more attention to me than my husband. I know he is a bad person for what he would tell me about what he did in the past. He does not say he loves me or promises me anything but he makes me feel like I am an important person. He pays attention to me more than my husband. We laugh and tell jokes all the time. I know I am crossing the line because I feel like I can tell him almost anything. Then we started talking about how good he is in bed and likewise I would do the same. We would compare how we would have sex with our spouses and then he would always say how I always lose and that he is better. He has more experience in that subject. I would also tell him some things that's been going on with me about my life. He understands me I think but I know for sure that he won't be there when bigger problem arise. About few months ago, he asks me if I tried phone sex. I said no. I told him that my husband and I never did any of that. He just laughs. Then he introduced me to **EDIT**. I watched about 4-5 little movies and he would say I can do the same thing. He would always challenge my confidence so one day, I sent a picture of me naked with no shirt. He liked that a lot and he would tell me how good they are. I also sent pictures of me with clothes on but in shorts and tank top. He appreciates my body I think more than my husband. My husband found out about what happened and told me to post here.

Deceptivegirl.

The vets will be along shortly to help you out in the mean time I wanted to ask

Why on earth would you find the attention from a guy who basically insults you by treating you like you are an easy lay at all good?

This guy is basically saying "I know you are married and know that you have such loose morals that you would cheat on your husband with me"

This is not a compliment, the attention you are getting are not compliments nor should they make you feel good.

It is sad that the attention from a guy you clearly indicate is only interested in having fun with you then leaving can make you risk your marriage like this.

Please do yourself a favour and do not blame your husband for the mess you got yourself in. We all make our own choices in life, no matter what marital problems you think you have adultry is NEVER the answer. You cheated because you have loose boundaries and NOT because your husband did anything wrong.


Further questions that the vets will likely need to know in order to help you.

Is the other man married?
Does your H post here?
Have you cut off all contact with the other man (OM)?

NB 28 - Because I am stupid. Because I let my guards down. Because I am desperate. Sorry for blaming my husband into this. He doesn't deserved this at all nor my kids. I used to be so strong and would sustain almost any problem but I was desperate for the attention. Every time he treats me bad, I actually want to stay away from him but then after a while he would be very nice.

He is married. My husband posts here as well. My husband told me to stop all contact with him last night. I am pretty sure he will try to contact me. We have mutual friends as well as his wife. I want to end this fantasy so he stops calling or texting me.

Her BH is Bricks.

Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Do you WANT to stop contact with this OM?

Do you think that you did anything WRONG?

How do you know OM?

Do you want to try to save your marriage?

DG,
Welcome to MB. You seem to have committed some serious betrayals of the principles of your marriage, but you are in EXACTLY the right place to start earning your BH's forgiveness.

First thing you should do is start putting together a time-line (as much as you can manage) of when this tarted, what you did, etc, etc. Your BH is going to need this eventually.

Search this site and find examples of a "No Contact" letter, and begin composing one to send to your affair partner. Your BH is going to have to read and approve it.

I do have a question about the meaning of something you wrote:

We would compare how we would have sex with our spouses and then he would always say how I always lose and that he is better.

Please explain what you meant by "lose".

And one more thing to think of: POSOM has a topless picture of you in digital form. Expect him to share that with untold numbers of his scuzzy friends, maybe even posting it on websites that cater to such scuzzballs.

Now that you realize you had bad bondaries you need to put them in place along with NC.


You must call OMW and expose this affair. Then follow up with NC letter.
NC letter must be sent to OMW apologizing for the affair and promise of NC.

Then you must change all phone numbers, email addresses, block OM on FB, block all ways OM can attempt to contact you.

DG what are you thinking about by playing games with this man over who is better in bed? This guy is going to use you to get what he wants and then he will be gone. You need to set some serious boundaries and have NC with this man. If it is just sex you are interested in the best sexual encounter you can have is right in front of you, your husband.

What can we do for you, DG? I don't see a question here.

Thank you, Scotland!

Yes, wanted to for a while but can't.

Of course I did wrong. I realized that from the beginning but I liked the attention he gave me.

OM is a close friend, almost my best friend. I have known him for 12 years. I met him the same time I met my husband. I met him in a chat room with 6 other people from the same town where I grew up. We were always close then. We stopped communicating around 2004 - not really sure what happened. Then we saw each other again in FB in Nov. 2010.

When OM treats me bad (insults, and laughs), I actually appreciate my husband more. I told myself that my husband will be never be like him.

Yes, I do want to save my marriage. I love my kids so much and will try my very best to bring back my husband's trust. My husband and my kids do not deserve this. I am selfish.

DG, are you interested in earning your husband's forgiveness?

Deceptive, you are walking the road, eyes wide open, to a perverse hell.
You are deliberately behaving in ways you know are unacceptable and wrong.

You are doing this with another woman's husband.

And, your purpose for this deliberate perversion (with another woman's husband) is so you can be admired for your body.

Your intention is not to become a better wife.
A better mother. A better friend. A better citizen.
A decent human being.

The goal you seek is to be admired without clothes.

You are willing to break hearts of innocent people, children included, so you can be admired for your body.

You said:

Then you said:

I would add .... You are shallow & superficial.

Here are my thoughts.
Aspire to loftier goals.
"Don't I look good naked!" is not something you will feel proud of when you reflect back on your life.
Looking good naked, and having another woman's husband get an erection is not something you proudly highlight on your life's resume. It's not something you'd want to be carved into your headstone after you die.

Aspire to loftier goals.


Meanwhile.
Educate yourself about Marriage Builders.
Buy the book (SAA) Surviving an Affair and read it with a highlighter.

Make this your short term goal ~~~> Learning how to survive your affair and restore your marriage.

Meanwhile, you need to confess to the other wife.
Call her up with your husband sitting by your side.

Do you want to be remembered for being a good person?
Start with a confession.

The worst nightmare that I have - pictures of me topless all over the internet. What is POSOM?

Thank you.

[/quote]


Now that you realize you had bad bondaries you need to put them in place along with NC.

Okay.

You must call OMW and expose this affair. Then follow up with NC letter.
NC letter must be sent to OMW apologizing for the affair and promise of NC.

We are actually friends in FB. OM tells me that she talks about me a lot at home so I always wonder what he tells her. Probably all the bad things about me. I am so scared of doing this letter to OMW. She will probably laugh about it and post my affair in FB. I have families and close friends in FB and my husband and I have 2 young kids. My husband has a very good position in a respectable company and I would rather hang myself right now so I can hurt him less. I know that I owe her a huge apology. I am so stupid to fall for this guy.

Then you must change all phone numbers, email addresses, block OM on FB, block all ways OM can attempt to contact you.

I am all willing to do all of this without problem.

[/quote]

Like I said, it was a poor selfish decision done by me alone.

I need HELP to stop this. Please.

Yes, I do and he do not deserve to be with me. I am so pathetic and a scum bug.

Quit your pity party and think about what you've done to others and do something about it.

No, I don't. I am starting to do this by being here.

Quit your pity party and think about what you've done to others and do something about it.[/quote]

I have thought about what I did to other people and will probably be in my thoughts forever and I am willing to do something about it.

When do you plan to contact OMW?

I don't know yet.

You asked what to do DG. See above for Step 1. It may also be the answer in getting those pics deleted before they become circulated and seen by many perverted people

I have thought about what I did to other people and will probably be in my thoughts forever and I am willing to do something about it. [/quote]

Well maybe you should stop worrying about the consequences to you. Yes your picture may end up all over the internet, yes you may be humiliated on facebook and elsewhere (by the way, you need to never be on facebook again), but you chose to actions that will bring that about. Your husband and the wife of your POSOM (piece of sh*t other man) did not choose the emotional violence you have dealt them.

So focus on the innocent victims of you.

I would stop with the pity party first. Call the OM's wife - while you are with your husband - and tell the OM's wife what you have done. Give her the facts about your affair and promise you will never speak to her husband again.

Then send the OM a no contact letter that is written by you and your husband and mailed by your husband. [I will post a sample below]

Tell your friends and family about the affair and explain to them that you can't attend any gatherings that include this couple.

Affair proof your marriage by ending all opposite sex friendships. Cancel your facebook account and give your husband full and complete access to your email accounts, cell phones, everything.

Commit to using this program to create a happy, satisfying marriage for both of you.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I bit my tongue on this one. But had thought since you were so proud of your anatomy, maybe he should upload it to your **EDIT**. Exactly how would that make you feel? You are Filipino, right? First off. If you want to keep your family. Use english when talking to friends while your husband is around. Obviously you speaking philipino over the phone will be a major trigger. Complete transparency is required. And next time you think of romance in philipines, think of Olongapo or Subic Bay. Because that's who you are if you cheat on your husband.

Cut it out.
We do not find your self pity useful or admirable. Saying these "Oh pitiful me" things will not help your marriage recovery.

I said:


You responded with :


Today.
Do this today.

There's no point in doing anything else until this is done.
Then write a No Contact letter with your husband.
Then confess to your family and friends. It will be good for you.
No self pity is needed. You did this to you, no one did it to you. Now suck it up and make it right.

In case it hasn't already been said, this wasn't "almost sexual." It was sexual. Start being honest with yourself.

As a husband of a woman whose deviant former adultery partner owns many videos of my wife bj'ing and at least one topless pic, Im always interested in the stories of girls volunteering to email themselves naked to guys not their husbands.

Now, OMW in my case swears all videos and that pic are deleted, Id be willing to stake money all of it exists in a computer somewhere.

To defend my wife, she knew nothing of the videos and the deviant had an equal amount of another girl performing on him so its cleary HIS thing. But, she did send the picture of her boobs. She had the foresite not to include her face in it.

In the world I live where every detail supercedes the prior detail of the A in my angst, a digital record existing of my wife of doing another guy is way up there.

Do yourself a favor, when you get randy and need some affection or loving or want to explore digital nude photography or perhaps live action video in the bedroom, do it with your husband.

You have cheapened yourself to a great degree.

But, I can tell you, in this thing you get to claim temporary insanity and can rebuild it. Im doing it and my wife is coming from a darker place.

So you have been hiding this relationship from your BH for the last year. You have told us you secretly texted, emailed and talked to this guy and sent him nude photos.

Have you met with him at all in the last year? If so, where and when and how many times?

deceptivegirl,

One thing that Wayward Spouses often do is only fess up to what they have been caught doing, thinking that concealing more information (ie, lying) is easier to do so than hurting their Betrayed Spouse any further.

This couldn't be further from the truth. The lies hurt as much as the betrayal. Please tell your BH everything about what happened with this man today. Don't leave anything out. If you think to yourself for one minute that it would be better to keep that part to yourself, then that is your clue that you need to tell him.

I am going to be honest with you: I find it very hard to believe that this is someone you have been having an EA (emotional affair) with for the past year and that nothing physical happened.

The worst nightmare that I have - pictures of me topless all over the internet.

Your nightmare is of no particular interest to us here. Your BH's nightmare is very much our concern! You did what you did and must accept the consequences.

What is POSOM?

Piece of Sh!+ Other Man

dg, it is great that you SAY you are willing to undo your actions and pay your BH just compensation but you will only start getting somewhere here when you DO it.

You and your h need to sit down and call the OMW immediately and answer all her qs TRUTHFULLY (dont bother leaving out sexual contact/anything if it happened, the truth will out and then you will have lost your last chance)

Write the NC letter we have given ou so your h can mail it.

Those are the actions of a repentant person.

Seriously ??? you need help?? What ,are like 5 years old?

DG, would you be willing to take a polygraph to confirm to your BH that you are being totally honest with him regarding your faithfulness?

DG, evidently the thought of having to take polygraph has refreshed your memory. Bricks has just explained to us that you have decided to come clean(er) with him.

You need to understand that you cannot torture your husband by leaking information about the affair to him! You might as well tie him down and poke him every 10 seconds with a needle!

IF Bricks chooses to remain in this marriage (and that's a big IF right now) you need to whatever it takes to help him feel safe around you. That includes HONESTLY and COMPLETELY answering any question he has about the affair! What were you thinking, deceiving your husband this way in the first place, and then lying about it! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, DECEPTIVE GIRL. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE VICTIM - YOUR HUSBAND.

Trickle truth is massively hard for a BS to deal with.

It is worse than subjecting him to the A.

ALL truth must be given in one go, without ANY thought of how it will affect you.

If I were you I would write everything down - a complete timeline of the A including ALL pertinent facts and give it to him as a display of radical honesty.

Tell him you care about him having the truth more than you care about what will happen to you.

Then just pray you havent screwed this up by being deceptive.

I cant beleive you called this thread 'almost sexual'.

Can you have it changed, click the notify button at the bottom of this post and ask the mods to do it.

It cant be good for your BH to see this title when he comes on here. It is also being deceptive to MB forum members, which is a bad idea if you want us to help you.

To help you we need the truth, ok?

I had doubts whenever I seen "almost sexual". My first thoughts were that is like "almost pregnant". In confessing to an affair the number one rule is honesty if the marriage has any chance of survival.

Oh and dg, if you have any reason to believe you know the identity of the person who sent the message to your BH that you were showing pics of yourself to 'men' on the internet, incude that info.

Also if there are any other OM.

And of course reiterate that you are willing to do a poly to prove yourself.

DG,

You may feel that you�ve been beat up here. What you�re really getting is a dose of honesty. Sometimes what a person truly needs to hear and do is not what they want to hear or do. And your silence for the last couple of days speaks volumes. I�ve read your thread and your husband�s thread. You haven�t been honest. So let�s call a spade a spade� You had a sexual affair and he�s ready for a divorce.

I�m not going to beat you up with brutal honesty. Instead� I think you need to ask yourself a couple of questions and be brutally honest with yourself. I don�t think you are at a point (yet) where you are capable of seeing or understanding how much damage you�ve done to your marriage or your betrayed husband.

I�ll post a couple questions that you need to answer for yourself to yourself.

1. Do you want to save your marriage?

2. If you are willing to save your marriage, are you willing to do whatever it takes no matter how painful or humbling?

If you answer yes to both of these questions� Then what next?

Well� I think it�s going to take a giant leap of faith on your part followed by a lot of baby steps.

The Giant leap of faith--- You need to do what Pepperband and Melodylane have suggested. You may feel its humbling, but talk is cheap and it�s the action of doing that will show your husband you are truly sorry and serious about gaining his trust back.

The baby steps--- That will come later. How do you eat an elephant? ... One bite at a time! For you the first bite is the hardest.

1. Do you want to save your marriage?
2. If you are willing to save your marriage, are you willing to do whatever it takes no matter how painful or humbling?

If you answer yes to both of these questions� Well� I think it�s going to take a giant leap of faith on your part followed by a lot of baby steps.

Amazing gave you the optimistic view of where you stand. It would be unfair to leave you thinking that the initiative to fix/abandon the marriage is yours. It's not. You did as much to destroy your marriage as it is possible to do, and the decision to expend any energy the repair what you have so malevolently trashed belongs to Bricks.

You gave up your options in this matter when you:
1 - seized the opportunity to meet POSOM, and point your heels to the ceiling for him,
2 - lied to Bricks about it until faced with the necessity of a poly (and, btw: lied to us here!)

Bricks has every right to give up on you, and you have NOTHING to offer in return. If you are so inclined, DG, this would be a good time to start praying.

Oh yes, the choice is bricks and you may be out of grace with him.

However you still owe it to yourself and to the vows you took to work your [censored] off making this up to bricks as much as you can until the fat lady sings.

Even if you do D, you still need to change your behaviour around men unless you want to be miserable forever.