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Joined: Oct 2009
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I struggle with this as well. When my WH packed up a month ago, he told me he thought if he left his family, he could see her again?????? What kind of person would leave his own children for a relationship 2000 miles away? Makes no sense to me at all, as I would never do anything that harmful to my kids. It is probably harder for me to get past than the affair itself. I may never be able to get past it... So selfish and self absorbed!

BTW - I am so glad I told my kids. They are older and figured some things out anyway. It makes my WH more accountable for what he has done and continues to do. And for me I know that they will not have anything to do with OW if it should get to that point. At least for a good long time) This makes WH live with the decision he made or will make. If his A and fantasy are more important than his own kids, then I hope he is happy. It also prevents my WH from filling them with lies, like my father did to me.

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Originally Posted By: stillhere8126

And the worst part is that they do treat their family worse than a total stranger and they STILL dont see that they did...My WH thinks the way he treated me and DS is perfectly acceptable.

My WXH actually bragged to his family about what a wonderful ex-husband he was because he didn't destroy me financially! At the same time he was doing this, he was having my mail redirected so I wouldn't receive my bills in time to pay them. He was also breaking into my house and stealing stuff. How can you fault such a wonderful exH as this???

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IDK, Tabby, I guess we will never understand... dontknow


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Zelmo Offline OP
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In the case of a WW, most of the time, it seems, they do not have to walk away from the kids. They have a huge leg up for custody. Stiil , I question if they love truly love their kids since their actions hurt the kids and interfere with the kids ability to have the dad as present in their lives. I'm talking about good dads and husbands.
In divorce, regardless of infidelity, I realize this happens, too. But, co-parenting would seem to be easier in a divorce where one spouse was not so hurt by having been cheated on.

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Exactly, Zelmo...I love when my WH said "why cant we just be friends, Why cant you just act like a grown up and think of DS and what is best for him." OMG, yeah, he said that to me....

I said "Maybe if you didnt cheat and lie to me and instead tried to work on the marriage...We could have been friends if it didnt work out."

His response "What is the difference?"


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: May 2007
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Though many WW end up with their kids, they are still cruel to them. My WXH's OW has custody of her DD-now 8 but 6 at the time WXH and OW moved in together. Her treatment of this little girl is beyond appauling and it's shocking that OWH has not yet been able to regain custody. In addition to ripping this little girl from her home, she brought her to live with another man (my WXH) who proceeded to prance around their apartment nude prompting child services to investigate. Of course they denied it (child must be lying).

Then OW attempted to set up OWH to feed DD food that they had just discovered she was allergic to in an attempt to make OWH look like an incompetent parent. That's right - she willfully put her child's life at risk for the sole purpose of hurting her BS. If that's not enough, she also set up her OWH to not pick DD up on his night and then left town so DD would be abandoned at school and it would appear that OWH was the neglectful parent. Fortunately I discovered this plot and tipped off OWH in time.

To top it off, OW being angry that OWH didn't have the decency to drop dead of his own accord ran him over with her truck - with DD inside the truck witnessing the whole thing!!! Yes, this is a parent with her child's best interest at heart. And the courts are so slow and stupid around here NOTHING has been done so far.

Karma could roll around shortly and interestingly enough, OW will be driving the bus herself. She is suing OWH again to try to have him cut off from DD completely claiming that the assault charges laid after she ran him over with the truck were frivilous. The charges werre laid by police, not OWH. What the court previously viewed as malicious mudslinging is now turning into brutal reality.

No - WW's don't have to walk away from their kids to be cruel at all. Being wayward alone is enough to do that.

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Zelmo Offline OP
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Still, this is the problem with some Waywards and people that have not been on the receiving end of this. I'm not exactly sure why it is, but, folks that have not gone through it seem to have no true appreciation for the extent of the trauma, the pain, the humiliation, the nightmars, the weight loss etc.
Just look at movies, Soaps and TV. Infidelity is almost a joke. It is as if the WS merely forgot to pick up milk from the grocery store on the way home.
And, if you try to explain what it has been like for you, you get the "pity party" or "lack of maturity" deal thrown in your face.
Just as they do when they justify their affairs and place the blame on the BS, unremorseful WSs are really adept at making the post affair wreckage the BS's fault, as well. It is really frustrating and hard to deal with.

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Yeah, most people treat it as just another fact of life, that just happens...divorce him and move on...well that may have made more sense when we were dating...he was my family, we have a beautiful DS...I deserved better treatment. And it hurts like he77.

And unlike when you are dating someone, you cant just move on and never see them again...Divorce, children and in laws that have been your family for years, make this impossible. I dont understand why people cannot see this....


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Zelmo Offline OP
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Because most people, including me before this happend, are oblivious to things that do nat affect them.
I got this when I was raising my autistic, mentally challenged(who knows what is poltically correct these days) son. Few people could see how hard it was and they could not understand the sheer exhaustion.
It's life. People just do not get it and you cannot make them get it.

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Yeah, Zelmo, I guess you are right..Human nature...My friend has a son that is autistic, I am there a lot because my son plays with the daughter. It is very challenging for my friend, but what a sweet child.

I am sorry you are going thru all this with the extra challenge of your son...You sound like an awesome father, what a lucky little boy. I was exhausted with just my DS when all this affair stuff was goin on, now a little less so.... I admire your strength.


BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 1,775
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Zelmo Offline OP
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The main "benefit" I got from my XWW's affair was it gave me the opportunity to really bond with my boys. I bet I changed 99% of the diapers, prepared almost all meals . Out of curiosity, I looked at their medical record, which always reflect which parent accompanied them to their doctor visits. It was absurdly lopsided.
If one of my boys got hurt or was sad, they came to me, not her. And, remarkably, this made her resent me.

Last edited by Zelmo; 11/04/09 02:43 PM.
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Hey Zelmo, have a look at your kids' agenda books from school and see which parent signed off the most. That has got to be one of the most telling documents in existance these days.

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Yup, and you can walk away with integrity, clear conscience and your boys respect and love. You cant ask for much better than that, Zelmo....

Last edited by stillhere8126; 11/04/09 02:51 PM.

BW me-41
WH -39
DS - 9
married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered
DDay aug 2007
found MB dec 2007
Moved out april 2008
still seeing OW
Plan B

Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. smile
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Posts: 1,775
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Zelmo Offline OP
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I doubt my first wife could find her way to their school.

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Zelmo (and others):

My position on many aspects of marital therapy has been admittedly controversial when first expressed. His Needs, Her Needs was ripped by many therapists in 1986 when it was first published because they didn't believe that men and women's emotional needs were different. Today, there are very few that believe that anymore.

My position on conflict management (Policy of Joint Agreement) was also roundly criticized by some feminists as giving away women's right to independence. Of course, most of these critics were not in favor of marriage in the first place. But today, the idea of finding mutually adventageous solutions to problems in marriage is main-stream.

And, my position on radical honesty and transparency in marriage, which was definitely not in the tool box of most counselors when I first brought it up, is now becoming much more accepted by therapists working in the trenches.

At first, whenever I came up with a new idea, I'd try it out on the couples I counseled. My goal was always to "do no harm" in my effort to help. I was very concerned about unintended consequences. But as I created methods that were logical outcomes of my basic theory, I found that these methods worked amazingly well every time they were implemented. That's why I can speak with such confidence today. I've personally witnessed thousands of successful outcomes when couples learn to meet each other's emotional needs, learn to make decisions with mutual enthusiastic agreement, and learn to be radically honest with each other.

The same can be said about telling children about an affair. My experience with the positive outcomes of hundreds of families where an affair has been exposed to children has led me to encourage a betrayed spouse not to fear such exposure. In fact, to mislead children, giving other false explanations as to why their parents are not getting along, causes children to be very confused. When they finally discover the truth, it sets an example to children that dishonesty is sometimes acceptable, making them the judge of when that might occur.

An affair is an attack on children as well as the betrayed spouse. And it's true that children are deeply affected by this form of irresponsible behavior. But it's the act of infidelity that causes children to suffer, not the exposure of it. Facts point us toward solutions. Illusion leads us astray. That's true for children as well as adults.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

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There you go Z, out of the mouth ( or fingers.... :D) of the professional!!!

Not2fun

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Dr Harley, there are so many topics on which you could give clear answers and guidance! We need your help much more often!


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Zelmo Offline OP
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Nice. I am going to print this off and give it to my XWW's parents. They have been very supportive of me throughout this. But, I suspect they still question the wisdom of my having blabbed to my kids.
And, when I say "blabbed" I don't mean I added any editorial commnets on their mom's character(or lack thereof). I simply did the old Joe Friday deal; "Just the facts, mam."

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Thank you, Dr Harley! hurray


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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clap Thanks, Dr. Harley - beautifully put!


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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