Hello all and thank you in advance for your help and advice.

I'm the BS, we are both in our mid 40's, married for 16 years, 3 children ages 15 to 7.
D-Day was January of this year, WW admitted to OM when asked in March. Workplace affair.
I have heard everything from we are done,ILYBINILWY, i want to move forward, and, I want a D. I realize now that I was in the marriage fog for many years, physically present but not there mentally or emotionally. She tried so many time to reach out to me and I would stonewall. I love my wife and am beside myself thinking of how alone I made her feel in our marriage. I have made the mistakes of begging and pleading, it is very hard to not try and reach her. I have been working on myself and reading a lot, thank you MB and Dr Harley for your books. We are separated and have contact only to discuss children and house. I have been all over the forums on MB and am asking for support.
I have read the exposure thread many times and have evidence of ongoing affair.

Hello GWN, welcome to Marriage Builders. Did you want to try and save the marriage?

Yes that's all I think about.
Thanks

I would begin with the exposure thread and start putting together a plan. The affair has gone on for a long time, but that will give you the best chance at saving it. Is the OM married? If so, does his wife know yet?

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread linked in my signature? Did you have any questions?

Also, can you tell me what you have done so far to try and save this? What do your kids know?

OM is divorced, kids know there are adult problems with mum and dad but not much else.

How very morally confusing for your kids! Did they ask the hell is an "adult" problem? Not even an adult would know the meaning of that so I can imagine their confusion. That is not helpful to them at all.

Did you read through the exposure thread?

Too true!
I have been trying to tell and show her I have woken up and have changed.
I have been more involved with the kids and the household.
I have also asked her to end the affair.

What is your exposure plan? Who is on your exposure list?

That's nice, but it will take much more than this. Did you read the exposure thread?
Are you reading my posts?

And if you agree with me about telling the kids lies, what is your plan to rectify that?

The main problem is her affair, though. Nothing you do will have any effect until you bust up her affair. Your best option at killing the affair is to expose it.

I have read the exposure thread and your posts. Thank you BTY.
Her parents and siblings, friends and her work are on my list.
Family and work is easy for me it's the exposing to friends that bother me.
What do you mean by "it will take more than this"
Will read exposure thread again.
Thanks MelodyLane.

Have you add the OM's family and friends to your list? Have you looked at his facebook page?

No Facebook page and don't have much more than just his name.

What about your kids? If they don't know about the affair, they need to be added to this exposure list.

What about your parents?

How long has OM been divorced?

OM's family, at the very least his parents is CRITICAL.

I would do whatever you could to locate them.

Kids are defiantly on the list, only me on my side, no relatives.
Don't know how long OM has been divorced or anything else unfortunately, just OM's name. Any suggestions on getting more on him?
Thanks SusieQ, love you name BTY.

GWN, how do you know he is divorced? What do you know about him?

GWN, it is important that you get more information about the OM.

What have you done to find out more information about him? Since this is a workplace affair, can you get information from the company directory? Have you tried to find info on the internet?

I am assuming you heard that he was divorced from you WW. You do realize that she has every reason to lie to you about this don't you?

Do not share any information with your WW about exposure. Do not ask WW about OM, she is just going to lie to you.

WW told me- I know I know.
Did some googling found out where he lived and guessing divorced about a year ago based on home sale.

I have tried the company directory and know his title that's it.
Nothing on the internet.
I am not sharing on exposure.
As far as being divorced- I will need to get too specific on posts.
Pm me and I can share if you like.

If he is divorced, I would still let his ex wife know of the affair. Since you found out about it initially in January (10 months ago) and it was going on before that, it is very likely the cause of his divorce. His ex wife should know that, if she doesn't already.

But just because he sold a home does not mean he is divorced. He could be separated because of the affair. In our state we can access divorce records online. Can you do that there? It can give you information about whether he is divorced, and if so, when that took place and his ex wife's name. You can use this to find more information about his contacts.

Is he a superior of your wife at work?

No , don't have access to divorce I nfo up here on line.
OM is higher up than WW but different departments.

You can go to intellius.com and enter his name and location, and buy a report. That should give you family info and info on whether he is divorced, I think. It's worth a shot. I think you can try white pages.com as well.

If that doesn't work, then the next step may be hiring a PI to get the goods on the OM.

How do you know for sure that he does not have a FB account?

Have you created a dummy account and done some snooping around? People will sometimes not use their full or even real name on FB. You can check your WW's FB friends list - her work friends' friends lists - the company's FB page, if there is one, etc.

Snoop, snoop, snoop.

Leave no stone unturned, GWN.

PM's are not allowed here.

Very good advice, thank you.
WW is not on FB but I will try your other suggestions and see if I can find anything. If not have to get a PI
Sorry about the PMs I did not know.
Thanks

Intellius does not work up here and no luck on white pages.
I have been snooping more on FB, nothing yet.
How critical is it to have OM' s side for exposure?

GWN, It is critical. OM are pansies who are easily scared off, so it is essential you expose to his side. Also, he may be married for all you know. Keep looking, you will find it!

I will keep looking. Thank you for all the help.
Just want to expose asap.
What should I expect/ do after exposure?
Plan B?

GWN,
A couple of things you posted make me think you are north of the 49th?
"up here"
Also you mention different departments -so I am thinking federal gov.

Am I correct?

If I am this does make tracking people down more difficult - if they have no social media presence.

Check out the ops investigation board for some tricks on finding people.
Also, does the OM use a work issued BB, or do you know if your WW contacts him on a personal phone? Try and get those #'s and search for those...

Thanks Allan_Tweed
Yes on 1- No on 2
Don't know about personal or company phone-possibly might have both.
I will check out that board.

Have you made any progress?

Yes, company cell phone#
No luck on anything else so far.

GWN, I'm sure it seems like we are all focusing on one small detail. However, the greatest chance you have of blowing up this affair and recovering your marriage is through exposure. Exposure should be done all at once, in one fell swoop. Exposing to the OM's side is as critical as exposing to your side. This is why we want you to get all the information you can so you can do a thorough exposure all at once.

Are you planning to expose to their workplace?

Yes I plan workplace exposure.

What about hiring a PI to get the information on the OM?

Ok,
Google his home # and his work# in both formats
###-###-####
and
(###)###-####
Also search facebook for those #'s
(replace the # with the numbers)
https://www.facebook.com/search/people/?q=%2B1#########

You could also do company search on google to check Linkd In:
-intitle:"profiles" -inurl:"dir/ " site:linkedin.com/in/ OR site:linkedin.com/pub/ "Current * CompanyNameHere * "

Replace CompanyNameHere with the name of the company

Keep digging.

Allan_Tweed thanks
Got fb page.
Thanks

How do I view fb page without being detected?

Create a new profile, use a new/unused email adress and a different browser (Opera, Firefox, Chrome, install the one you don't have). FB shows you as friend suggestion if you view someone's profile, it plnats cookies everywhere.

FB is very keen on connecting devices to users. If you use a seperate browser just for snooping FB, you will not be unpleasantly surprised by friend-suggestions you would have preferred to avoid.

If you create a new FB profile, start playing silly games (candycrush guarantees lots of FB friends) or take interest in a mutual hobby. Friend random players (or people with this hobby). After you obtained several random friends, search friends of OM who either play silly games, or who have a few hundred friends. Some people accept any friend request.

If you have friended friends of OM, you can see everything he shares with "friend of a friend", which is way more than if you visit his FB without connections. Google will also give more results if you search for his name combined with "site:facebook.com".

It might cost a day or two to set it up, but having an anonymous snoop-account may come in handy.

Here (link below is to a thread in the Operation Investigate board) are some other FB search ideas:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2896991#Post2896991

No luck on finding any friends of friends.
Can�t I just expose to my side?

Has nothing been done in all this time?

Yes
Facebook searches with no luck, I don�t know any of ap friends.Being the best person I can be when communicating with WW. Being the best father when I have the kids.
What about exposing to my side and work?

I would get these exposures done as soon as possible. The longer you put this off the less impact there will be.

Ok
I will work on exposure emails this weekend.
Should I post them before I send them?

That would be a good idea because we can give you feedback. Have you read through the exposure thread for tips on best practices?

GWN, does this mean you found his FB page?
If so - copy his friend list to a word / excel document.

Go through it - is there anybody with the same last name? This will show you who might be relatives - also use this search - https://www.facebook.com/search/####/relatives
replace the ### with OMs FB usernumber -
Expose to his family - even his ex wife - she may be helpful -
To get her name - contact a lawyer - you may already have one - my lawyer offered to look up the info for me - but the OM is in a different province - she didn't have access.

I know that ML and others are pushing you on this - I will tell you why - using my situation.
My D-Day was last January - I found this site about a week later.
I investigated some - but did not, and don't have access to her Black Berry and work communication methods. Thus was stumped for much of it.

I new who the OM was, his address, everything but his wife's name, location nor his parents information.
So I didn't expose -

My WW moved out 3 weeks ago - the next day she contacted OM.
I went and visited OM two days later.

His son was nice enough to give me OMs STBX contact information.

I called her the next morning.
She didn't really care - in fact she seemed happy for him.
She declines to share any information about his family.

She has moved out, and moved on, he is separated and in his mind this is ok.

Now my wife is separated and it is only a matter of time before this becomes perfectly ok in her mind.
I exposed to our friends and family the same week-end, most of them no response, a couple told me I was stupid. I have two supporters out of our group of shared friends.

I exposed after she moved out - now I have her venom, and limited chances to plan A.

Expose now - or you will always regret it.

Allan, I am so sorry to hear this.

ML,
Thank you - but you told me from day one to expose.
I really did try - after POSOMs son gave me his moms phone number and address, and POSOM gave me her first name (the names I thought fit didn't) I did some sleuthing. She has zero online presence. No phone records, no FB, nothing.
I didn't have a chance. I don't think a PI would have helped much either - Canada has some different privacy rules.
Now, I Plan A, and present a better option.
End of Thread-Jack.

GWN,
Have you made any progress? I hate to see a fellow Canadian go through this.
This place, and Dr. Harley's plan are the best chance we all have of saving and rebuilding what we value.

I know what I have to do but my heart is getting in the way of my mind.
I need a kick in the bum!

Did you read what happened to me for because I didn't expose? Do you want a chance to head this off? Do it now, and nip this in the bud.
Otherwise their feelings will "grow" and they will think they are soulmates.
Exposure is like turning on the lights in a ghetto kitchen you see the roaches scrambling for the dark but if the exposure is effective, there is no darkness left, and the normal demise of the affair is accelerated. Does that work as a kick in the a$$?