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Exposure of an affair is a touchy topic to "new" BSs and perhaps the touchiest version is potential exposure to an employer of workplace affairees.

As with other "forms" of exposure, the goal of workplace exposure is to remove the secrecy of the affair with the hopes that its end will soon follow. But in the workplace - where many affairs are cultivated - exposure has both added effectiveness and added destructiveness. Through exposure, a workplace affair may be brought to a sudden halt - along with a career. For a BS, are the potential gains worth the potential losses?

Two examples of this dilemma are the recent (5/04) stories from posters ChristyV (member # 33532) and heroswife (member # 33088), both illustrating some of the anxieties associated with exposure of workplace affairs. heroswife's story reprsents a successful application while ChristyV's is still indeterminate as of this writing.

Among the issues that may be presented in any case is the potential for sexual harrassment and its legal ramifications to the company in addition to the drama of the affair to the affected individuals.

Many employers may swiftly act to separate affairees - including the ultimate separation, being terminated - while others may take a "none of our business" approach as long as company business isn't affected. The U.S. military is a special case - adultery is a violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice - and is severely punished.

I believe that workplace exposure is the exposure of last resort - to be considered when exposure to family and the OP's spouse has been ineffective. Even then, it must be approached gingerly and with reasoned discretion, but in no means totally avoided due to its potential effectiveness, e.g., the U.S. military situation.

Please provide your experiences and views for the benefit of those facing this situation.

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My OW emailed me nasty comments from her work account. I responded back to the same account - she had asked why I called her a wh*re and I clearly stated that sleeping w/ a married man especially your closest friend's husband would justifiy you being called a wh*re. Well her work scans emails now and they called her into the office and told her that one more email showing her "lack of morals" and her conducting personal business via her work account would result in her being terminated.

As much as I enjoyed her boss finding out she was a person of limited morals, I definitely would not like to see her fired. She may have caused much stress and hurt me terribly - her looking at herself in the mirror daily & knowing what she is - is enough for me.

"What comes around, Goes Around" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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Like betrayed by 2 I didn't have to expose things myself. This is several years back, my W has bipolar tendancies, was in a confident phase ready to tell everyone else what was what.

Apparently someone decided to talk to her about the amount of time that she was spending with OM (at work) and she then confronted his boss. It wasn't very long before she was let go. Not too long afterward he, a long time employee, also lost his job.

I shed no tears for him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

At least in my wife's case, the A was not mentioned as a reason for being let go. However, sometimes companies have ways of dealing with such problems without explicitly dealing with them.

Steve

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I'll post this here as I posted it under the Mother exposure post from WAT:

My personal Experience with Exposure:

Everyone told me to do it.
I wouldn't do it...to worried it would end my M.
I finally saw no other choice and just did it.
Exposure saved my M....hands down. I wouldn't be in recovery right now if I hadn't done it.

I would not have had the courage to expose if I hadn't had the support of Mr. WAT in particular, and other's here at MB.

My H could have faced a Court Martial, that was a big reason in trying to avoid exposure. Regardless, I exposed and that was all it took to break up my H's fog.

Exposure made him face the fact that there were 2 families being destroyed here and it also brought out some pretty ugly warts in the OW.

OW has since moved on to her next victim....another married soldier in that reports to her. Go figure!

Sending you my repect and admiration WAT. You're the best!

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worthatry,

Only have a few minutes, but I want to post (just hope in a rush it makes some sense).

After finding out about my wife's 2 year affair with her supervisor, I was persuaded by WW to keep my mouth shut. (the usual...... its over, why hurt anyone else, I may loose my job, yadda yadda) I must confess that in my own poor state of mind and emotion, I let fear "rule" the day and not only kept silent, but also continued to let her work there.

Being the "silent" coconspirator was the WORST thing I could have done. Indeed, I kept it up for 4 months. I told no one--- not OM wife, CO workers, no one. (However, in the mean time the OM was planting the seeds to get my wife fired). He was telling all kinds of lies and stories, while my wife was believing he still had her best interests at heart. Once the sex stopped she became a huge liabilty!

It hurt our M as well, as we could NEVER get to recovery because on some level the A was still going on, as they saw each other every day. (By the way ALL the sex took place at work while on the clock) So talk about stress when she left to go and do God knows what, each morning!

To show how stupid I was 2 days before I confronted my wife the OM was busted by his W for having an affair with my wife's friend and coworker (all going on at same time). He convinced this poor girl to quit her job to save his. On the other hand, My wife would not. So OM came up with this "home at home--- work at work" mantra. Unfortunately, I bought into the lie, hook line and sinker. We both kept our part of the bargin, while he did whatever he pleased. (but that's his view of life and it was a mistake to ever negotiate with sleaze like that).

Anyway, to make it short those months were hell and I regret not going to everyone right from the start. Playing this guys "game" just let him KEEP his control over me, my W, and my M! I could not beat him at the games of lies and deceit. He has that action down to a science. So I used the only weapon I had, The TRUTH! And he had no defense for that.

After going to the Human Resources Department, he was gone both physically as well as in spirit, the next day. After a week of research, he was given a choice to either resign or ???. My wife kept her job (but she and we have since moved on to a New and better job in a neighboring state). My wife needed to move on because even though HE was gone, she was getting way too many of her own triggers at that job. So for us it has worked out Better then I ever thought it would. Disclosure, got rid of this guy, forced the OM and my W to burn ALL of their bridges together (in their attempts to save their own as*es) and my wife got an even better career to boot.

So for us it was worth it to just get the "looming" specter of this guy permanently out of our lives. I truly wished I'd done it before.

I do not know how Any of you BS can put up with your H or W continuing to go to work EVERYDAY (out of your sight) and see or be around this OP. I know I couldn't have put up with much more. I realize that moving on in a career is scary. But any job you get will pay you $$$$$. Please don't let $$$$$ be your main factor in staying. My wife didn't want to go and look at her: its the best move she ever made.

Edit: OH yea, the single girl the OM got to quit her job got her's back once he was gone. So things really worked out for everyone once the TRUTH came out. later

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: top rope ]</small>

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Anyone familiar with the 12 Step approach to addiction recovery should know that the first step is "We recognized that our lives had become unmanagable."

That is "Step 1" for a reason; addicted people have to reach their own personal "rock bottom" where they realize that they can't "handle" keeping their addiction AND their life going. The choice to recover is usually only successful if it is initially a self-centered choice. "If I don't do this, I'm going down in flames." Let's face it, if your pain was their paramount concern, they wouldn't be in an A in the first place.

An A is an addiction. Most (though not all) will continue feeding that addiction until it becomes more painful to continue the addiction than it would be to end it. That is going to be a different point for everyone, depending on how addicted they are to their particular A.

Exposing a coworker affair definitely serves to make life "unmanagable" for the affairees. It can increase the pain level for keeping the A going to a much less tolerable level.

In my case, the consequence of me seeking a divorce and asking him to leave was enough for FWH to reach "rock bottom," end the A, seek NC, and seek counseling. Exposure to their employer was a "trump card" I held to enforce NC on an unwilling OW till H gave his notice and left the company. She broke NC one time and received a voicemail from me saying any further contact, and the next voicemail would be the details of her affair with my H left in her supervisor's and H's supervisor's VM. She backed off, and H was able to leave without explicit exposure, although during his exit interview his supervisor revealed that she was "unofficially aware" of it.

<small>[ May 13, 2004, 11:46 AM: Message edited by: Kat72 ]</small>

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Wat,

Question about exposure here.....my WH is in a EA/PA with a co-worker in a factory. There used to be rules against it, but there is so much of it there they would have to fire everyone that works there. My lawyer said they keep him fed well. Should I write a letter to the HR dept. and explain to them about the amount of affairs going on in the factory? Should I tell them of how people are having sex in their parking lots after work at night and so on? I don't think they care and I am sure they are aware of it in the backs of their minds. How does one go about this type of thing? I don't want my WH to get fired because if we D he will have no money to help me with DS, but I would like to see OW get fired as she is not married and came into our marriage. Very confusing situation...any ideas?

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Wat -

Do you believe it is useful to expose the affair to the WH's workplace or OW's workplace if they previously, but no longer, work in the same place?

thanks

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HopefulinNY:
<strong>Should I write a letter to the HR dept. and explain to them about the amount of affairs going on in the factory? Should I tell them of how people are having sex in their parking lots after work at night and so on? I don't think they care and I am sure they are aware of it in the backs of their minds.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HINY - I don't know the all inclusive answer.

If you choose to bring this to the attention of the company, writing a letter seems to be the best way. You should have good evidence and name names - rumors that you heard from somebody else may not be enough.

WAT

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by findingstrength:
<strong>Do you believe it is useful to expose the affair to the WH's workplace or OW's workplace if they previously, but no longer, work in the same place?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's differentiate between exposing to the workplace and to the workplace employer.

The intended topic here is exposure to the employer. If one of the affairees no longer works for the employer, it's less likely the employer will care, don't you think? Further, if an employer would take some action if they both still worked there, that action would probably have the goal of separating the employees - perhaps firing one or both. In your scenario, that has effectively already occurred, so what further is there for the employer to do? Sure, the employer may take some disciplinary action against a remaining affairee for, say, wasting company resources. But your goal is separation - which this would not help.

But, exposure to the workplace, i.e., to the friends and co-workers, can be another thing entirely. This exposure may be appropriate just as exposure to any other influential acquaintance may be effective to cause upset to the fantasy.

JMHO
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I didn't have to expose my H's A with the OW at their work place.

They didn't hide it very well....my sister caught them kissing in her car...in front of everyone....on break.

Used to be rules about it there too.....but they were overlooked to an extent.

The higher ups didn't care as long as production was met. Now....when production started slowing down...then they had a problem.

My H was a "team leader" at the time. One of the best at keeping production up...or ahead of schedule. When the A started it dropped.

He started taking unscheduled breaks with the OW. Started taking longer lunches than were allowed. When he went to night shift (to prove to me that nothing was going on...even though the OW switched also) he was even known to mysteriously dissapear while on the clock.

Before all this started my H was respected by EVERYONE in the factory....when it was exposed...through their own stupidity....he lost every friend he had....lost the respect that he'd earned.

He even lost a very big promotion that he'd been working hard for before the A.....due to his "new habitual work habits".

When he heard that he wasn't going to get the promotion he worked so hard for before he just decided not to care....and came very very close to being fired......not because of his A....but because of his "new habitual work habits" which came fromt he A.

Now....3 years later...since the OW doesn't work there anymore..he's worked his butt off and got promoted to an even better job than was offered when the A was going on.

He has earned back the respect of SOME of his workers....not all.....but the people he used to call friends are pretty much just people he says hi to when walking by them.

My H's company wouldn't have fired him for his "unethical behaviour" even though it's frowned upon.

I also wouldn't have had to do any revealing, even if they hadn't done it themselves by getting caught....because I know so many people that work there.....they would have done it before I ever would have.

I'm not really sure that I would have though....just because of the simple fact that around here jobs are hard to come by.....especially with the pay that my H was getting at the time. I wouldn't have wanted him to lose his job with me being a homemaker....and no job prospects or history.

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My WW works in administration at our local public school (small bible belt town, population 6,000) and her boss is the superintendant. OM works for the State Dept. of Education. WW's boss knew about the A before I did and has aided in it. She and her new H have been to dinner with WW and OM a couple of times at a local restaurant under the guise of a business meetings. They have also met out of town and were together for several days during spring break at a resort. I knew her boss long before WW did and considered her a friend, she puts on aires of being dignified and classy but true colors have shown through here. After D-Day (I caught her at his house a 2 our drive away) I started a scorched earth exposure- anyone who would listen and some who wouldn't. Our preacher saw WW and OM together at a school function and thought he was her brother because they were so close, I gave him the straight scoop. A few school board members have been told about the A but not about WW's boss'es involvement and are already not happy with the situation. I have to be careful, I don't want WW to lose her job- thats what keeps my kids close by. I have told the General Counsel of the State Dept. of Education about the A when I did a Freedom of Information Request on OM's computer. My attorney says he will write them a letter after DV-Day. but I am wondering if there is any need in waiting. Friends and family are holding me back from contacting OM, I think they are scared of what I might do but I am not a violent person and just want to ask him some questions which I know he will lie in response, give him some information- some which might not be true, and just mess with his mind a little. I do love mind games. If I could put them together before 12/10/03 when he was at our school on business, I have been told that him being there would be an extreme conflict of interest and his job would definitely be in jeopardy. What a shame that would be.

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In my company affairs between married people are grounds for termination. The basis being that it causes a disruption in company morale. My company is one of the largest freight forwarding/customs brokerage houses in the world. The rule about affairs is unwritten but it is there nontheless.

The most recent terminations I know of were of two married corporate level employees. The basis
for their terminations were that too much respect had been lost for them to effectively do their jobs and that morale within their departments was low.

I think WAT is right - this is the toughest call of all.

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How odd to read this post, when I just made a phone call to the legal dept of my WH and OW's workplace.

They do not have a company rule or regulation that addresses such things. However there is a program set up for employees to report suspicious behavior. The way it was explained to me is that if you suspected stealing then they have a confidential way of one reporting such things. The company checks into the proposed misconduct and then will report back to the person that reported it.
So the legal dept said that they have on occasion had outside information that prompted them to investigate.
The fellow was very nice and took information and in fact asked if there was anything else that the OW "might" have done inappropriate such as making harrasement calls to me from work. She had not (darn it).
But they have exchanged emails through company intranet (based off of information from OW husband) and so I reported I suspected that there was inappropriate behavior going on via the company mail.

I made it clear that I was attempting to save my marriage and that I was advised that exposure to the A will sometimes assist in breaking the A up.
I told him that the call was awkward for me, I wasn't in the mode to make unsubstantial accusations, that it would not benefit me in doing so. That I merely suspect that in appropriate emails were being exchanged on the company email.

He advised he will be speaking with the OW's supervisor. He will possibly speak with the OW and discuss the importance of proper behavior at the workplace without going into any detail. From this he may or may not seek email information as he explained it is not an easy task to review email records of employees.
That several people have to be involved in just approving the inquiry.
I am to call him back on Friday with an update as to what he has been able to do.
I suspect he won't tell me anything. But at the very least some exposure has and will take place now.

The company is more into taking disciplinary action then firing people.
But I feel good from the phone call.

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wat,

My lovely wife, myself and the OM (contractor) worked in the same squadron. All of our friends worked there too. When I found out (4 months after I moved to a different Command) I told all of our common friends. Her working environment sucked. She couldn't really go to lunch with OM anymore but there was still contact via email and telephone. Being in a small squadron we knew the commander and superintendent quite well. I made them aware of what was going on. I never pushed the adultery issue because it would have been detrimental to her career and I still wanted to be married.

I called OM, spoke to him face to face on two occasions. I had his home, cell, ssn#, address, boss's info and all his fiancé's info. I never did anything with it because I though it would just push the two of them together.

We were lucky that nothing happened to either of us during this. My subsequent A was also with a woman in the military.

I think that disclosing at work could go either way. It really depends on how much you know about your spouse's job and the people they work with. You might just be telling them something they already know.

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I would say it all depends on the WS and OP workplace environment.

In my case, my husbands boss applauded the affair! Said they'd make a great sales team!

Don't worry about poor old (I was only 25) with 2 small children - let's be the number one sales team in the state!

Needless to say, out of the 15 people who worked in that office only 5 of those people are still married. Even the boss got divorced cause he tried hanging it on the WH@RE my FWH had it on with later.

And as for what goes around comes around? I'm still waiting for certain people to cop it!


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