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I was told to seek help here in GQII. Please read My Story.

I don't want the focus of this thread to be entirely on this other woman ... I am at fault here too. I just want to save my marriage, so any and all advice is welcomed.

Thanks!

Last edited by time_for_change; 04/27/07 07:23 AM.
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Well, the two of you are still very early in this. The pain he is feeling won't lessen for another year and a half or so.

Have you figured out WHY you had the affair? That is what I would be thinking about now. Unless you know why, you won't be able to safeguard your marriage in the future.

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Yes. I have poured myself into figuring that out through IC, prayer, and mediation. He and I have discussed the "why"s. He has made a huge effort at correcting some previous behavior that triggered my feelings of loneliness and lovelessness. I have continued IC to make self-improvements, and have done LOTS of reading and learning too. I have learned more about myself in the last month than I have in my entire life!


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If you were lonely before and he is traveling a lot now, I see a problem.

How long have you been married? How many kids?

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I was lonely before because even when he was here, he wasn't really "here" ... I would come home from work and not be acknowledged, I wouldn't be asked about my day, we would go out for lunch and he would be on the phone 1/2 the time, etc. I was more lonely when he was here than when he was away. Now he is making an effort at changing those behaviors.

Next month we will have been married for 6 years. 1 DD, age 5.


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It is absoluletly essential to spend 15 hours a week doing fun things together. Otherwise, each person starts living their own separate life. That is what gets marriages in trouble.

I suggest you have hubby talk to the Harley's. It is expensive ($180. for an hour), but they cut to the chase and can give him solid advice. Your husband's plan will not help rebuild the marriage.

Last edited by believer; 02/24/07 07:47 PM.
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I am beginning to think he isn't interested in rebuilding the marriage and that his plan is to live a separate life. But that was a problem to begin with - during our marriage I never truly felt like a part of his life (that is not an excuse, just a fact). Any suggestions on how to present this request to him?


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I guess you could just ask him. He may not really know what he is feeling. It is very early in all of this. That is the problem with having an affair - the weakness in your relationship is still there, and on top of it is all of the pain.

I know what you are talking about because my husband (the WH), quit treating me like he loved me shortly after we married. It was just like he married me, that job was done, and on to the next thing.

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It sucks to feel like you are there to love and support no matter what (especially in my H's career) and not feel that in return. Again, no excuse for what I did.

He says that he is only still married to me out of convenience. I deserve that comment, but is it true? I'm not sure if he even knows. I am doing my best to be as patient as I can. He quit saying he loves me right after he found out - but the other night did tell me that he still has love for me (not quite the same as "I love you" though). He doesn't want to hear that I love him either. He says it lost all meaning knowing that I said it to someone else. I can understand that, so I am trying to SHOW that I love him instead of saying it. I know it is still really early on in all this. I just want to see some small sign that he might give "us" another try ...


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hi. welcome. how long ago was your a?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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Hi. It was discovered 2 months ago and ended immediately. I was actually trying to end it for a month before my H found out ... but I didn't. I was sucked into the fog - yuck, I despise who I was then. Have been in NC since the day the A was discovered [and will remain that way].


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ok. here is what I think i would do about the "be my maid" thing... i would say no. how do you think he would react to that?

dont do it... its just an idea!


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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I think he would tell me to kiss his a** ... I think he would be compelled to run straight into this other woman's arms. I think he would tell me we are done. I think that ... well, you get the point.


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ok so thats a Bad idea.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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Yeah - I thought about that too and came up with "bad idea". I am trying to do all the things that make him happy: He'll come home to a clean house and delicious home-cooked meal. He'll come home to a "welcome home" party and play by DD and me. He'll come home to an attractive wife and daughter. He'll come home to a kind, patient, loving woman and child. (I just wish he'd come home to a great night of sex too. But he decided we can't anymore.)


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small correction: $180 per hour for phone counselling with "the harleys"

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Seems worth it to me, if he is willing.


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sounds like you are doing a great job. are you holding up ok through it? i mean are you ok plan a'ing him. im only asking bc i had a really tough time with it at first but it became easier and its working out.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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It is hard at times because the outcome is so uncertain. My IC says that I need to focus on the here and now and let go of the outcome ... that is WAY easier said than done. There is a great book I just read (along the lines of Plan A) called "Light His Fire". The title is somewhat misleading because I think it is more about loving yourself so you can love others, but it gives some great tips on keeping your mate happy and interested. I compliment him daily and do all those things I mentioned before. In the process of doing these things for him, I have found that I actually like doing them. (For example - I was never much of a housekeeper, but now I'm going nuts b/c my dryer is broken and I am behind on laundry.) I am more feminine ... I was uber-feminine when we were dating, and I guess it all went out the window when our DD was born. I am enjoying be more of a woman in my own right, rather than basing my femininity on how attractive other men find me. So it has its ups and downs. Sorry for the ultra-long answer.


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ok - i am boggled by the lets work it out and then the great big No we are not married, be my maid thing! i dont hink i can help you with that - the other experts here can handle that... on to snooping. right now they are in ea most likely and according to you. if you were to snoop, what would you do? tap the phone? (i can help you with this) it is important to know what he is up to.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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