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you will know when you are getting close to not being able to do it anymore; when youre boundaries are being surpassed... you will know so dont fret about that. do your thing, take care of yourself and dd.


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I will just be the best I can be and do what he needs as long as I can. I suppose it will be best to give his other top ENs extra attention since the one won't be being met. I think I can handle it. I'll just take it a day at a time.


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UPDATE:

So, he came home (late) and was friendly. He commented on how nice the house looked, complemented how nice I looked, and was excited to see he had a "Welcome Home" party awaiting him. A delicious home-cooked meal was being placed on the table as he walked in the door. The no-sex-rule was broken ... YEAH! As we lay in bed last night, he asked what we're going to do. I told him that ultimately that was his decision, but I truly think it is worth it to save this marriage. We talked about it for a few minutes, calmly and kindly. I apologized and told him that I am willing to help him through this, be there for him, and do whatever it takes.

This morning, he told me he was sorry for confusing things by cuddling with me and having sex with me ... I gently told him to quit forcing not being close to me. If it comes naturally to be close to me one day and distant the next, that its ok and it is part of this process. After that he cuddled up for a few more minutes before we absolutely had to get up. It was nice.

I am still having concerns about this other woman, though.

Last edited by time_for_change; 02/26/07 09:16 AM.

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I know it is unreasonable, but I would like to see him make a choice on whether to try at this M or not. Any suggestions on a way to hand over the SAA book in a manner that doesn't say "here, read it, make a decision" ... I don't want him to think I'm asking him to get over it (I'm not) - I just want him to learn more and make a decision from his knowledge and his heart.


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Well, we had a discussion today and I mentioned the book. He kind of snarled and put it away. I still think he'll flip through it when I'm not home. Maybe I'm crazy.

The roller coaster ride continues! We've been getting along great since he got back in town and then this afternoon he had a depression-spell. I assured him that I understand that there will be times like that and I will stick by him no matter what. I apologized again and told him that the A was in no way worth any of what we're going through. He told me (nicely) to quit apologizing, that he knows I am sorry. He mentioned that maybe he should go find an apartment this weekend ... I asked him to please try to stay at home with DD and me so we can get through this together. He said we're only still together b/c of how much he's been traveling, but I kept thinking "no, you don't get it! we need to spend more time together". Anyway, by the time I got home, he was back in a good mood and we played and joked and enjoyed each other. He also said that he would like for us to spend time together as a family all day Sat. & Sun. This was great news, except I'd like to have some alone-time too! I guess when the little one goes to bed we'll have that time.


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Well, last night he never came home! That's never a good sign. Found out he was at a friend's house ... I was up at 4am and never went back to sleep. He's out again tonight, and told me not to expect him home. He said if he comes home its a good surprise right? Whatever!

We talked a lot today though. I think he really felt bad about worrying me, but wasn't overly apologetic ... he even admitted that part of it was probably to prove a point to me. I explained that I would've appreciated knowing so that I could have been prepared to tell something to DD. He agreed to let me know from now on. But then tells me not to expect him home tonight!

He says he isn't sure that he can ever be "in love" with me again. He says he still loves and cares about me and is so grateful that our friendship has improved so much, but just isn't sure that he could ever be "in love" again - with me or anyone. So, I've been asked yet again to give him his space and act like we're divorced. It is clear that this M is still in tact out of pure convenience ... for him. While he's out all night, I'm taking care of the home and family, not to mention driving him to meet up and go out with friends. I realize that he is hurting and in excruciating pain and it must be difficult to try to meet the ENs of the person who broke your heart ... but I am getting nothing from him. He is RARELY meeting VERY FEW of my ENs. I feel selfish even hoping for him to, but I am feeling more empty than ever and find myself loosing faith. I need help! Any suggestions???


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TFC,my H told me the same exact thing last night about not sure if he could ever love me the same,but has no problem with SF!And he is acting the same way as well!I get very little emotion from him!They sound so alike!I guess that shows that is maybe normal behavior given what they have been through!It's been about the same amount of time for us both!And yes,I feel myself losing faith as well!Nothing has really changed,and he won't do anything to change it!I wish I could give you some advice,but I am truly lost right now as well!I guess all we can do is be patient and wait!I am just so tired of crying!The hurt and anxiety never goes away!I don't know about you but I feel completely obsessed!I hang on every word!

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Well, he stayed out again last night - at least he had the decency to send me a text message letting me know. I don't think it is ok to not come home ... it sets a bad example for our DD. (Btw - during my A or any other time during my M, I have NEVER not come home when I said I would, and I have NEVER stayed out overnight!) So today and he tomorrow he has promised to spend with us, and only us. I really want to talk to him about this behavior. He feels justified in doing whatever he wants, whenever he wants because of what I did. He says he is trying, but its obvious he is not. I'm feeling used, as previously mentioned. Is it a bad idea to place some boundaries? (i.e. If you want to live here, you need to come home before morning. If you want to live here, you need to make your family your focus. If you want to live here, we need to go to MC since things are only getting worse, not better.)???


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I wish I could give you some advice,but I am truly lost right now as well!I guess all we can do is be patient and wait!I am just so tired of crying!The hurt and anxiety never goes away!I don't know about you but I feel completely obsessed!I hang on every word!

I am not feeling so patient today ... but I keep praying for God to give me strength and patience. And the crying? Tell me about it! I cried all day yesterday! I was like a leaky faucet. He kept saying "you're the one who did this" and I would reply "so I'm not allowed to have feelings?" He would finally console me a little and then things would be ok until a little bit later. I guess the worst part is all the mixed signals: I want us to share our lives, but not sure I want to be married; "I'm really trying here", but not coming home at night; "I want to have sex with you", "but we need to act like we're divorced"; "I've given up on you", but "please don't give up on me". (The list goes on and on.) Obsessed is a great word for it! I am completely enthralled in trying, but it is so hard to try when he keeps pushing harder and harder ... almost like he wants me to leave. But I'm not going anywhere! I JUST NEED SOME ADVICE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


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bumping ... need some advice before H comes home this morning!


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((tfc))

I think you are okay to want some boundaries. You are trying to work on your M.

It sounds like your BH is very wounded and conflicted and he is trying to avoid being in pain by disappearing (not coming home). The conflicting things he says seem to me to show his fear of not wanting to be hurt again but isn't really willing to give up. You will only be able to show him by your actions that you truly want to have a better M.

Hate to continue to quote Dr. Phil but I have lots of time right now (last month of chemo) and he's becoming a favorite time waster...

"The only person you can control is you."

You are in IC which is excellent. Have you talked with your Dr about getting some AD's to help with the extreme emotions?

Have you heard of the book "Torn Asunder" by David Carder.
It explains both sides of recovery from infidelity for the BS and the WS. It might give you more insight into your BH's emotions and pain.

Sorry I don't have more advice. You can just keep assuring him that you are here for the long haul, willing to own your stuff in all of it(which you are doing in IC) and want to work on it with him (maybe MC?).

Hang in there-


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

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TFC!How r things going this weekend?Has he been coming home?How r u doing?

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Thanks for checking in ... things are not going well. He finally came home and stayed there Sat & Sun. We had a loooooong talk last night - I don't know how I have any tears left. He has decided that Divorce is the only option for him. He will stay at home until school is out for the summer and then we will finalize everything. He says this isn't what he really wants, but feels like the only way I will gain/not lose respect for him is if he goes. He offered up that there is always the slight chance that we could end up back together, but that isn't much consolation right now. I am devastated to say the least. I want to schedule an appt with the Harleys, but it seems like his mind is already made up and there doesn't seem to be anything that will change it.

So, looks like I won't be around MB much longer ...


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T4C:

Why do you think this:


So, looks like I won't be around MB much longer ...


Your Husband has his head in his A$$ and maybe somewhere else and you think it's time to leave?

WWHHHYYY, We've just gotten started.....

You have only been here 2 weeks, your A was many months ago and your WH (?) is still wondering what to do.

So. Be Still. Relax.

The fight is about to begin. And it's not the fight you expected. But, if you leave, you will not have any idea what comes in the later rounds.

OK?

LG

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You are in IC which is excellent. Have you talked with your Dr about getting some AD's to help with the extreme emotions?

I am against taking meds, so I am trying to use prayer and meditation to get me through.

Quote
Sorry I don't have more advice. You can just keep assuring him that you are here for the long haul, willing to own your stuff in all of it(which you are doing in IC) and want to work on it with him (maybe MC?).

Hang in there-

Thanks so much for your help ... you & your health will be in my prayers.


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T4C:

Why do you think this:


So, looks like I won't be around MB much longer ...


Your Husband has his head in his A$$ and maybe somewhere else and you think it's time to leave?

WWHHHYYY, We've just gotten started.....

You have only been here 2 weeks, your A was many months ago and your WH (?) is still wondering what to do.

So. Be Still. Relax.

The fight is about to begin. And it's not the fight you expected. But, if you leave, you will not have any idea what comes in the later rounds.

OK?

LG

Haha! Thank you for that LG! I trust that my BH is not a WH (yet), but his mind is made up. Since he's agreed to stay at home until school is out, I have a few more months to fight for it, but my hopes are fading day by day.


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I asked if we could still spend our anniversary together ... he said he had plans and wasn't sure if he would change them. He thinks of our anniversary as a bad day, a slap in the face to remember a day I pledged my devotion and then didn't follow through. I guess I just hadn't thought of it like that.


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So now I am really confused. I called on my way home from work to let him know I was on the way - he was busy and stressed and it got taken out on me. He said he was busy and would see me when I got home and hung up on me. I decided to give him a little space when I got home and just start cleaning up and hanging out with DD. Then he asks me to come talk to him while he showers. He told me that today was lonely for him and he was overwhelmed. I acknowledged how hard it is to have days like that. He asked if I still love him ... I told him that I have never stopped loving him. He told me he was worried I've written him off ... I explained that he is the one who wants to get a D and that I am just trying to what he asks of me. But I was sure to let him know that I've not written him or this M off and I will continue to fight for both.


So here we are again. Last night he's definitely leaving after school is out. Today he's lonely, wants to be assured I love him, and is concerned I've given up. I just don't know what to do anymore. The minute I realize that it probably really is over, he does/says something to make me think there's still a chance. What do I do?


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Speaking from your husband's point of view, the pain of an affair is blinding, sharp, and the scars do not go away.

At times I feel as if I have Bipolar disorder, because the love/hate emotions swing frequently. Let me say one thing though, and it is one thing that has been said countless times to the betrayed spouses that frequent this haven, and I truly believe you would benefit from this advice:

Do not make yourself a doormat. Doing that makes you seem needy and being needy is not what attracted him to you in the first place. Be there for him, be available to meet his emotional needs, BUT DO NOT TURN YOURSELF INTO A SLAVE.

Stay in Plan A but don't be a panting little puppy following him around looking for the slightest bit of affection.

You do need to stop apologizing for what you have done; those are the type of words that if said too often, start sounding hollow and rehearsed. As my Pastor, Eric Olsen from Hudson, WI has said time and time again; "Not by words, by deeds."

It will take him at least two or three years to finally get to a comfortable point of healing in his heart, but he will never forget; be prepared for that.

I commend you on your efforts to save your marriage, and only wish my wife would do even 1% of what you are doing. She HAS moved out. She is STILL talking divorce. She STILL spends her free time off gallivanting instead of spending it with our children, and her cell phone is morphed into her body, whether it be text or calls.

Hang in there. As one of the veterans put so eloquently(I hope I get it right), "No one ever regrets doing what is right."


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Hey TFC,sounds like u had a good day today!Wish I could say the same,but have yet to hear from H so I sent him a txt late this evening saying I wished he would have been here this weekend,and that he was missed!I keep trying,but nothing seems to work!Wish he would call me and tell me what he was thinking!At least your H seems concerned!

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