What do I do about OW? Some think I shouldn't expose, some think I should ... I want him to choose to come back on his own, not because he felt like he had to.

You have no control over OW, or what he decides to do. I would EXPOSE. Of course, that will probably end up shedding some light on your affair also. Are you ready for that?

I just think one of you need to take a stand for the marriage.

Seems like everyone in town knows about mine (except his parents) ... I think he should have dinner alone with his parents tomorrow and go ahead and let them know. I can't fake it, I just can't. Especially knowing he is IN an A, mine ended the moment he found out b/c I wanted to save my M - not that that makes it any better.

I want to take a stand for the M, but don't know how. I have come up with the things we need to do IF he chooses this M (putting the cart before the horse), but not separation/right now. I am at a loss of what my next step should be ...

Well, I am divorced. So take this with a grain of salt. I would talk to him, or maybe write a letter. I would tell him that I made a terrible mistake, but want my marriage and family. I would explain that you don't blame him finding another woman, but your family deserves better from the two of you. Tell him that if he can't forgive, to go for it, that he is free to do what he wants, but you hope that he will choose his family.

This I can do. Let's hope I can do it calmly and without waterworks. This way too, I can say what I want, what I'm willing to do, that I know about OW ... then leave the decision-making to him.

Run it by some of the others here. I'm divorced, so may not give the best advice. I just don't see anything good coming with him running wild. I know that he is hurt, and that he has a right to be. But it will take the two of you to turn this around.

I agree ... the whole point of separation was for him to take some time to think about things and make a decision. NOT to run all over town, spend all our money, get drunk, announce what I did, and screw some new bimbo. He needs to start handling this like an adult, but I think anything I say will not be taken so well ...

could be that he wants to be with someone else now. In all reality, it is the most healthy thing to do when a partner cheats on you... staying isn't really great for most(even those that have made the decision to saty married are frequently unhappy with that choice)...but he DOES have the incentive to also work things out for your daughters sake. For that reason, I really think he should try and forgive you.
I think exposure will backfire because now that he is living on his own and you cheated... most people will not agree that what he is doing is wrong. Heck, I have been cheated on and hate WS... but I can tell you that if I were married and made the decision to leave my wife after she cheated that I would not consider myself married and cheating if I chose to start dating again. I would just be waiting for divorce papers. Doesn't sound like that is where your H is at... so this is really a gray area. But I do believe that exposure will create an environment that gives him MORE support for what he is doing instead of less. I would be careful with this.

MEDC

I have wavered on this a great deal. All of his friends are enablers ... they encourage him to badmouth me, get drunk, spend money, stay out all night, and now prob be with this chick. Most people, because of his public profile, will do whatever they think he wants them to do. He has always loved that I will stand up to him and tell him he's being an a**. I think if I say something about his behavior though, it will fall on deaf ears. I almost think he NEEDS to go through this to make his decision ...

I am upset that he won't answer the phone when DD calls. He knows its not me. What is more important than taking a minute to talk to his daughter?

My friends are NOT enablers and I can tell you that they would be in full support of me if I started dating after moving out on a cheating spouse. I would be very careful how you proceed on the exposure thing... and if you decide to do it, do it very selectively.

MEDC

YOu really need to stop judging him... perhaps he is busy or unavailable...perhaps he is feeling low. You are VERY judgemental for someone that just had an A. This is a concern to me. Relax on your H... HE has had his life ripped out from under him and must be reeling right now. YOu should be worried and concerned for him...and stop judging him so much.

MEDC

I don't think exposure will do any good, to be perfectly honest. The only people he would normally take advice from are friends that have stayed friends with me. Now he won't listen to them because they talk to me too. These people have encouraged him to go home early in the evening, slow down on the drinking, and to try to work things out with me. They truly care about what is best for our family, not just one or the other of us. Therefore, the only person to expose to would be him ... which still does me no good b/c he'll deny, deny, deny.

"could be that he wants to be with someone else now. In all reality, it is the most healthy thing to do when a partner cheats on you..."

Wow MEDC, can't believe you wrote that. The man has a child and is still married. IF he wants to end the marriage, okay. But dating now, and staying out all night with another woman is wrong.

You can't expose to him. That makes no sense as HE knows what he is doing. Exposure is for those in his life that are close or could influence a change.


You should confront him with the evidence if you haven't done so yet.

It is still considered cheating, since we are still married. And I don't think its the "healthy thing to do". I understand the desire for a revenge A, but wouldn't call it "healthy". Not taking his daughter's phone calls isn't healthy either. I am getting sick of sticking up for him every time he disappoints her.

Yes, B, I know... that is why I included the next sentence about his family and daughter. I do believe that it is very healthy to walk away from someone that does this to you...but having children complicates things and gives a reason to stay and fix things.
But in reality... and this is something I have read about and talked with my IC about... a person that has the strength to walk away after such an assault is most likely making the most healthy decision for them. Again, I will quote that study that I have mentioned here many times that 75% of those that were cheated on and stayed married are very unhappy in their M and would make the decision to leave if faced with that choice again. There have also been polls here that have said the same thing... that if people knew (some people) what recovery entailed, they would choose to not go through it.
As far as still being married.... I place NO significance on the Gov't's role in M. If a person is cheated on and wishes to divorce... and they reside serparate from their STBX, I have no problem with them dating. Others here feel otherwise, but that is my take on things.

But I do think, as I have said many times here, that he is not acting properly given the circumstances of this situation.

Being a good parent is a #1 priority whether one has had his life ripped out from under him or not. I know that he is at a St. Patty's Day event at a local bar, which is why I am so upset that he isn't taking her calls. Drinking with your pals and/or OW is not more important than taking your DD's calls. Sorry if that comes across as judgmental, but those are just my standards for being a parent NO MATTER WHAT else is going on in one's life.

Thank you for agreeing that he is acting inappropriately. As far as the M/separation comment - he has not officially moved out. He took a couple of things with him for the weekend, but almost everything is still here - including his beloved laptop. "Moved out" hardly describes our situation.

And what were your standards as a parent when you were screwing around with the OM ripping your family apart?

Sorry... but I have a child of my own and a foster child... I have full custody and I wouldn't need anyone...anyone... telling me that I was a bad aprent because I didn't take a call when SHE thought I should. And if you KNOW he is at an event... why are you having him bothered with calls while he is out with friends?

And while you consider it cheating... I would venture a guess that the vast majority of society would not consider a separated person from a partner that cheated on them to be cheating if they chose to date. That is my opinion and while I respect your right to yours, I do not agree with it.