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That last post sounded harsh ... I'm not mad at him. Just really sad today. I'm doing the "letting go and letting God" theory. I'm just working on me and hoping he comes back to the M.

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on 3/22 930 pm all was good and you were dancing
on 3/23 530 pm you went off, 630 pm bc he was cold and distant

definitely go to see a lawyer so that you are prepared and know whats coming.

so, hes cold and distant... then back off. dont call him, maybe miss a phone call or two from him. dont be there for his every whim When He Is Like This. he will just keep doing it.

plan for times like these and know what your reaction is going to be ahead of time. dont be as cold as he is just dont be as accomodating.

i think he likes the new you; he has said so and if you back off he will miss it.


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I know - I sound crazy don't I? I have been working 24/7 lately: at the office, as a mommy, on the new me. I guess I just am a bit overwhelmed right now. (Really looking forward to the beach in a week!)

He is in his own A and fog - do you think he really notices new me or is it him covering up his A? I have solid evidence of at least EA, no PA proof yet. I was really good about being sweet yesterday, but not really talkative (his attention span is really short and I usually talk too long anyway). So I was pleasant, but brief when he called. I only called him 1 time to ask a question pertaining to DD. It is getting harder and harder to Plan A knowing about his A - I want to ask him what he would have done if he had found out about mine before it was over ... would he have exposed? kept quiet? snooped until proof of PA? confronted me?

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/24/07 07:03 AM.
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not crazy - just overwhelmed. try not to take on so much. yes, i think he really noticed. when he thanked you for understanding, etc - that was him noticing. if he is in ea and not a then you can get him back with your excellent plan a. could be the reason that its not an a is bc of your plan aing! keep it up.

have you snooped?

dont ask him what he would have done just yet. i think that you should already know the answer to that. if you dont, now is still not the time to ask. it doesnt really matter.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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Let's say I know as much as I can without being a fly on the wall every moment ... I guess I could always get a job as a PI if my job doesn't work out (LOL).

I am hoping it is my Plan A that's preventing it from being a full-fledged A. It is so easy to lose hope when you know more than you should and it isn't in your favor! I feel like I'm breaking his trust by snooping against his will. That could be a deal-breaker for him as I am trying to regain his trust. But now he is going to have to regain mine as well. This complicates our recovery tremendously.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/24/07 07:19 AM.
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never, ever tell him about the snooping. if you have told anyone else that you have - tell them that you dont do it anymore.

what have you uncovered?

youre plan a has to be what is stopping it... i dont know what else it could be. "she is bing so good right now, it just doesnt feel right to sleep with you" etc.

we can atart business together LOL

i know its tough, my h promised to be honest and continues to lie - am still plan aing and hopeful though. my plan b timeline doesnt even start for at least another year! try living with that every day... knowing you have a plan but cant implement it.

smile. when is he due to come home?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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Yeah - he doesn't know I'm snooping. My 2 closest friends know, and MB - that's it.

He talks to her on the phone A LOT! They myspace each other too. I know that the 1st night he didn't come home, they were together (in a group). I know that each other night that he hasn't come home they were spending time together (in a group). I know that he spent at least part of our anniversary with her. There's only 1 night in question, but he called her 2x that night and I have no proof he stayed where he said he did. I know that he puts his arm around her waist when he whispers in her ear. I know that he thinks she's hot. I know who she is and we have met before. I have printed out everything ... phone records, emails, etc. I have about 1.5" of proof. No denying there is at least something emotional there.

He comes home next Sat. night and is here Sun. We both go out of town Mon. - he is back on the road, and I am taking DD on vacation (a much needed one). Then we will see each other again on Easter and he is in town that whole week. He's basically in town 1 week/month.

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/24/07 07:57 AM.
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A year long plan A? Wow! You are a much stronger woman than I! Maybe my problem is that I am taking it day by day instead of setting a timeline?

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And I must admit that "sweet" was probably overstating how I was toward him yesterday - "nice, but brief" is more like it.

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nice but brief is good.

my plan is taking its toll on me so i am not as good as you think. i see plan b as a light at the end of the tunnel and TRY not to think about how far away it is although i have many moments (when i Know he has lied to me) when it seems impossible. i also see the time between now and then as 'i have this much time to plan a - step it up!' when i confront him for the last time about his actions, i hopefully will have had a very successful plan a under my belt so that plan b will be a success as well. i dont think he has a clue that i am in plan a right now and he certainly doesnt realize that he only has one year to shape up or ship out.

as for the snooping, as long as he doesnt talk to your gfs and there is no chance that they will tell, i see them as additional support. you need to put your stack in a safe place - give it to one of your gfs.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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My best friend of 14 years lives pretty far away - she is my confidant. The other one is here and is usually at all the same things he is with OW - she is my informant. My stack is in a locked drawer in my office.

My Plan A is taking a toll on me and its only been a few weeks! I can't imagine what you must be going through! Sometimes I feel like I am torturing myself ... then I realize what he must have gone through when he found out about my A. Then I think, well at least he didn't have to pretend like he didn't know about it, mine was over the minute it was discovered. But that's not really consolation to either of us, is it?

My IC thinks that I need to set a time limit to determine how long I am willing to go through this. She thinks his back-and-forth behavior is semi-abusive. I told her that I think he is just on an emotional roller coaster and is confused, so I am trying to be patient. But she says I still need to set a limit to how long I'll do that b/c if I don't she thinks it will set the tone for me being a doormat throughout our M (assuming it works out).

How did you determine your timeline for Plan A & B???

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Stop snooping and work on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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MEDC - did you read this post of mine from yesterday???

Quote
I am not calling him anymore, not begging him to think about it anymore, not having blind faith anymore. I am not having SF w/ him anymore, not worrying about what new girl he's with today anymore, not checking up on him anymore. I'm just going to work on being a good mom and an example for DD from here on out.

Everything I discovered was before the last 2 days. I am wondering if I should continue to snoop though, so that I know the truth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by time_for_change; 03/24/07 08:31 AM.
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TFC,my IC told me the same thing,and I am dealing with the same behavior as you from my H and it's wearing me down!My H waited a year for me to get it together so in the back of my head I think I should wait that long as well,although I don't know if I can hold out for that long!And it also depends on him!By the way,he left the party before I arrived last night!I really don't understand why he is acting this way!We have been together for 10 years and he can't be at the same party as me!It hurts so bad that he is completely ignoring me and avoiding me!

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you do need to set a time limit. dr. harly suggests 6 months. but that limit will depend on you and what youre capable of handling. it is also partially dependent upon how much time you are willing to give him to be ok with what happened - how long do you think it should take for him to "get over it"? technically, i dont think he will Ever get over it, it will just have less and less impact as time passes and you two have more good times together.

my sitch isnt so bad as far as we have more good days than bad bc i choose to be secretive and let him think that i believe him when he lies to me. thats my plan a - be good, have fun and absolutely no lb. the lb in my case is to bring it up bc it leads to an argument - always.

my timeline is dependent upon the D laws in my state and what i expect to get out of this if D happens which depends on length of M...


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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I don't expect him to "get over it" ... I just want him to make the decision to TRY at this M. I think we could work this out if only he would try. I am trying to omit LBs. He doesn't know that I know about his OW, so I don't bring that up. I try not to talk about the M, R, etc. and just be loving, kind, and patient. I suppose I will try to perfect my Plan A before deciding on a time limit.

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"get over it" was harsh. what i mean is... HE needs to be ok with his decision to say "ok, im going to try or thats it, im done"... how much time do you think he needs to make that decision? when in doubt, put his shoes on... how long would it take for you to decide if this was turned around?

**you are making it harder for him to say im done with your plan a** remember that!

mb people would be a lot harder on you than i am being. they would tell you to expose his relationship with OW NOW and demand NC NOW. they would not allow him to go out and do as he pleases, they would not allow him to go out of town, they would make him change jobs. these are all options you have. think about it and make a decision based on what you can handle and your specific situation. sometimes people come here and are told EXPOSE RIGHT NOW OR ELSE and they do it without thinking. i want you to think before you act (which you already do). your relationship is vulnerable right now bc of what you did and it is made more vulnerable by what he is doing. i dont know your H well enough to have an idea of what he might do if you expose. you do not want his EA with OW to culminate to PA. i am a lot less agressive bc of what i am going through and i believe that in my corner of the world - i have time to do what i need to do - prepare.


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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i just read that... did it make Any sense?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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It made total sense. If I exposed, we would be done - no more chances. Not that there seem to be any chances now anyway, but you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like I am just torturing us - like I should just let him go if that's what he wants ...

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is he still cold and distant? if he calls and is cold and distant with you.... you get off the phone. "sorry dd is getting into something and hang up" You dont need to be tortured like that.

are you ready for plan b?


*DISCLAIMER* You hereby acknowledge that any reliance upon any information shall be at your sole risk. Keep cool; process promptly. Keep away from fire or flame. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. If condition persists, consult your counselor. Slippery when wet. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Sanitized for your protection. Use only in well-ventilated area. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Decision of judges is final.
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