I need her to keep trying, which she is. I expect her to hurt, but let it go with time. I know it will take months to get real response, real improvement in the relationship as a whole

See, that's where my husband went wrong with me. He expected me to get over it in HIS time frame. All that did was make it take longer. It's been over four years now and I only recently forgave him for what he did. I still have issues trusting him and i'm working on that though.

I have my good days and bad days too.

IMO the very best thing you can do, is talk to a IC and figure out why you did this. Once you do that, communicate it to your wife if she wants to know. That's what finally brought closure for me anyway. For 4 years he just "didn't want to talk about it" so for 4 years, I couldn't let it go. Once he REALLY talked to me about why he did it, what he was thinking/doing I was able to let it go. Forgiveness was almost instant. My trust issues with him have more to do with lies that occured beyond the porn/internet profile stuff. That i'm still working on.

You need to A. Work with a IC on yourself, regardless of whether your wife stays with you or not. Do it for YOU!!! You don't ever want to do this to your wife (or anyone else) ever again, right?

B. Be an open book to your wife. Let her know that you're doing everything you can to fix this on your end.... And then realize that beyond that how she handles this is up to her.

Continue to stay positive!!!