Hello, this is me, the wife..the hurricane, if you will. I just read some of the replies to my husbands postings on here.
May I just call out the obvious here by saying that this crap totally sucks!! It sucks that relationships don't work out, it sucks that people become betrayed. People get themselves into marriages where one is just and honest and obviously thought the same of the other. It's not like I think my husband is such a horrible and terrible man. it just breaks my heart and scares me that I had lived out this love that wasn't really there. How do I know?? Well, were on this site aren't we??

Basically, I wanted to find some hope in this marriage like a little piece left of the old love like the one that somehow convinced me to want and feel safe to become committed and strap myself down to TONS of responsibility. Funny, how it isn't so bad when you're in love and it all makes sense??? I am too far along to be able to trick myself in believing in this because believe me I have torn myself apart in order to give more chances. Yes, I am totally afraid of being single with two children. Neither one of us are good at being independent. He is trying to get through college, and we are poor and I am still stuck at home with a three year old and a five year old.I have no education or any money AND I am not eligible for daycare assistance or welfare because of his school,blah blah blah
I am being a child, i am being childish!! I am heartbroken and I didn't want to let go of my fairytale. I have cared for the children and love them but I need a break. I feel like I need someone to care for me now. I am hurt and depressed and tired and life doesn't stop for this sort of thing.

It isn't just pornography that messed us up so bad.. It was the obsession he had about it. He was crushing on young girls at school, he was totally neglecting me, lying, and breaking promises. He was acting out in other perverted ways that had great emotional AND financial cost to the family. I was totally in love with him, I didn't realize what his behavior meant as much as how it hurt me. He is a good person. He had chosen me, I wasn't expecting him to treat me like a princess, I just needed to be his #1 girl in order to cope with the usual life hardships we sometimes face, especially young families.
I am an attractive girl. I am so very extremely loyal. I honestly never lusted or strayed for anyone else. I think I am a fun and sexual person too. I didn't expect him to reciprocate this as much as at the very least appreciate me. I hold up my end of the responsibilities. He feels bad, I know he does. He says he has realized what a jerk he's been..I believe this too. I have thought if this and if that were to change I would feel happy again. I'm not. I want to forgive him, I just can't figure out how to. I have sexual problems, and a negative body image of myself that I know isn't real but I can't shake it. I feel gross and a loss of pride about letting myself be so affected.

I am not perfect, ACTUALLY I AM PROBABLY PRETTY SCREWED UP!! So what?! Who isn't messed up? I am not going to some shrink over this. I don't need a bunch of garbage put into my head ESPECIALLY after all of this. I also don't need to have my head twisted around in such a way that isn't really the truth so I can cope with a situation that has obviously shown its realities. I already know how effed up I am and why. I don't carry my past head damages around with me. I have done good at dealing with my hangups because I HAVE to. God knows back when I still had hope I would have given a leg to have my head twisted nine ways for him.