In re-reading the web page on: Coping with Infidelity: Part 3

The third step is to brainstorm without criticizing each other's tentative solutions to the problem. They should write them all down and give themselves a chance to think about them without dismissing any of them right away.

The fourth step is to choose the solution that they both feel enthusiastic about following. In most conflicts, one of the solutions will jump out as the right one, especially if both
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spouses have given themselves some time to think about the entire list and about their conflicting perspectives on the problem. If no solution meets the criterion for "enthusiastic agreement, keep brainstorming.

Our goals are hard to define because of lack of good grounding . I guess we need to try to find ground to stand on, but it is different day to day.

Emotional Roller-coaster.

Then I went on to read :Coping with Infidelity: Part 4

This topic is one of the most difficult topics to address in marriage. On the one hand, resentment is a normal reaction to someone who has caused you to go through unbearable pain. It is your emotion's way of warning you to avoid people who have hurt you in the past -- they may hurt you again in the future! But, on the other hand, resentment can also be an irrational reaction to something that is no longer a real threat. In fact, resentment itself may become a greater threat to your happiness than what it is you fear.

I think that we are stuck on this idea, and re-reading this will help...

Engaged-1 yr.
Married-6 yrs.
Kids-4 and 6
W-3 yrs older
Young couple headed for 30.