From Mulan's post on Josie's thread about Boundaries...

AGG - How do you enforce the boundary of "no OP" in Plan A? Repeat after me: You CAN'T enforce this boundary while in Plan A.

So. Again - How do you enforce the boundary of "no OP" in Plan A?

You enforce it by going to Plan B. Plan B IS the enforcement.

But in the meantime, you don't have to just sit back and cater to the affair while in Plan A. And you shouldn't. Part of Plan A is doing what you can to bust it up.

Here is a Notable Post that might help you:

"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.


Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Look the OM's information up on Intellius; pay the small fee for some information. YOu can get his relatives listed, too, which could include his wife. Then you can look her up, and get info to contact her. There are also other search engines for this purpose; I just used Intellius for my search for OW (I also got contact info for her parents, and called them).

YOU can't make your wife stop her interactions or any contact with OM, but you can expose the affair, while plan A'ing. Have you called the Harley's regarding your situation?

edited to add...

I peaked over on the recovery board and read up on your sitch. Seems you have been thru much of the carrot of Plan A, and you are getting great advice.

Last edited by silentlucidity; 02/29/08 05:21 PM.

Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009