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#2028046 02/29/08 01:39 PM
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Well it looks pretty bleak. She has no love for me and can't ever get it back. She's still in contact with this guy and won't quit with the contact. Won't quit her job. She says she doesn't want to run off with this guy, just wants to be left alone. She won't leave the house and neither will I. Wants me to move out. I can't find the OM's address, or his W's phone number. I am really lost right now.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Are you working Plan A?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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I'm still working on it. But she doesn't notice any of the Em's I trying to meet. She is so far distant I can't meet many of them anyway.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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What is rule number ONE about Plan A. NO EXPECTATIONS.

You have NO IDEA what she is noticing or not. And you are working this Plan for you, not for her.

What is your Plan A, how are you implementing it? What are you learning about yourself and what changes are you making that you want to make.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
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Okie,

""I can't find the OM's address, or his W's phone number. I am really lost right now.""

Dude, you must suck it up and FIND the address and phone #. You must expose and stop the contact.

""She has no love for me and can't ever get it back. She's still in contact with this guy and won't quit with the contact. Won't quit her job. She says she doesn't want to run off with this guy, just wants to be left alone.""

As long as she has the contact, she is in the fog, and being in the fog, out of her mouth comes the FOGBABBLE. "I have no love for you...etc.

Don't get down and forlorn. Check out the FOGBABBLE information. It can work to counter the hateful things coming out of her mouth.

Plan A has the carrot but also the STICK. Breaking the contact (the A) currently is the big stick.

IMHO

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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QNL,

I'm doing quite a bit I think. I do the dishes, I'm the one who has to worry about dinner everynight. Making sure the kids homework gets done. I can only do there other EN's when she let's me and right now she doesn't let me at all anymore. I thought we were in better shape a month ago.

Thanks K,

I guess I could hire a PI. But the contact has to stop, I do know that. But how when she refuses? I know it comes down to getting a hold of his W.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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From Mulan's post on Josie's thread about Boundaries...

Quote:

AGG - How do you enforce the boundary of "no OP" in Plan A? Repeat after me: You CAN'T enforce this boundary while in Plan A.

So. Again - How do you enforce the boundary of "no OP" in Plan A?

You enforce it by going to Plan B. Plan B IS the enforcement.

But in the meantime, you don't have to just sit back and cater to the affair while in Plan A. And you shouldn't. Part of Plan A is doing what you can to bust it up.

Here is a Notable Post that might help you:

**********************************
"The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A" by Pepperband

THE CARROT OF PLAN A:

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



THE STICK OF PLAN A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Allowing the consequences of adultery and infidelity to fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to affect children of the marriage or the financial security of the marriage, or otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slain for the good of the family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.




Look the OM's information up on Intellius; pay the small fee for some information. YOu can get his relatives listed, too, which could include his wife. Then you can look her up, and get info to contact her. There are also other search engines for this purpose; I just used Intellius for my search for OW (I also got contact info for her parents, and called them).

YOU can't make your wife stop her interactions or any contact with OM, but you can expose the affair, while plan A'ing. Have you called the Harley's regarding your situation?

edited to add...

I peaked over on the recovery board and read up on your sitch. Seems you have been thru much of the carrot of Plan A, and you are getting great advice.

Last edited by silentlucidity; 02/29/08 05:21 PM.

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Divorced April 2009
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Thanks SL,

I will try that Intellius. I guess I need to just go down the list. His name is pretty common. Thanks also for the Plan A reminder. I needed that bad.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Quote:

QNL,

I'm doing quite a bit I think. I do the dishes, I'm the one who has to worry about dinner everynight. Making sure the kids homework gets done. I can only do there other EN's when she let's me and right now she doesn't let me at all anymore. I thought we were in better shape a month ago.


I want to defer to the vets on this. But for me, when I read what you are writing it says to me that you are doing things for HER.

That's not Plan A. Plan A is about your plan, what you are doing to create change in yourself to build a new M. You are just showing her that you are capable of meeting her EN's and when you get the opportunity you jump on it.

My WH moved out immediately from D-day and hasn't looked back once. What I can tell you with all my heart and soul is I went down fighting for my M. I have been given almost NO OPPORTUNITIES, but I have made them happen and they came from me because I loved him. I did get caught in expectations, because I wanted to see that I mattered to him.

I never got anything, but I kept doing whenever I could. I have been at this for almost 10 months. My sitch looks hopeless, absolutely hopeless. I am losing the man I love with all my heart and now I am choosing to go into Plan B and quite possibly never see or talk to him again. It's crushing me in spirit and my heart.

But I will tell you that no matter what happens with our M. I somehow with HARD work and guidance from G-d and the special people on here am becoming and continue to become the woman that G-d envisioned for me. I have lost 86 lbs, I have gotten rid of the anger that lived inside me, I realize how much I loved my H and am proud that even though he has consistently treated me like trash and throw me away, I still work at creating opportunities to gain my M back.

I guess what I am saying is, have you realized what your part in creating this situation was and what steps have you taken to change it from ever happening again. Not just by reading on here, but living it?

Does that help?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Yes that's helps a bunch QNL! God has helped more than anyone can know. I don't want any regrets. I'm going to keep fighting until it's dead. I hope she will realize that I've lost so much love for her right now that it's just for the kids anymore. But I know I can gain that back.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
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Keep coming back here and checking with what you are working on with respect to your Plan. This is about you and what you want to do. I am not an expertise in that area of organizing a plan. Mimi and so many others are WAY more knowledgeable.

You are trying to save your M for the kids?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
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Yes for the kids. However, I do still love my W. I know it can be better than ever before. So I will go with my head and NOT my feelings. Unlike WW right now. Thanks QNL I appreciate anything. I thought we were going in the right direction, but the NC thingss has killed us.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
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Remember this is a roller coaster and if contact is still going on, there is NO RECOVERY.

It hardly seems fair that we are the ones doing the changes, we are the ones alway giving, but that's about what it is. And I guess we get to choose if we want to take this place and fight the fight.

I have no idea if my WH will ever consider me more than trash, but whatever happens, I KNOW I did my best and NEVER gave up. Though I wanted to.

I still cry myself to sleep at night holding the torah. I still am in shock that he has completely left us to be with a crack addict with hep C. But I keep fighting.. and most of all.

I HAVE FAITH IN G-D AND LET HIM HAVE THIS. You can do the footwork, but in the end G-d is the one who will recover our M. So are you close to him?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Joined: Jun 2007
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One other thing. And this too was hard for me to understand. But it's true. Your M may not be in recovery, but you are by working a Plan A and looking at your behaviors and changing what you can.

The old AA saying.. Grant me the serenity to accept the things you can not change, Change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

You are changing, whether your WW will choose to see it is in G-ds hands.

Own and be proud of that you are recovering.

I hope that doesn't seem to corny.


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
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No not at all corny Thank you QNL. I am changing me and my next W (maybe) will get a good H.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

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Second Thread on MB
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Only G-d knows what the plan is. I think it was Mark who told me, but maybe Johnstwin... He doesn't promise to reveal what the plan is, just that he has a plan.

There is also a scripture that says I know the beginning and the end and it won't be changed or something to that. G-d is changing you for his plans. You and I just need to keep having faith that whatever the plans are will be the best for us.

Also to let go of our WW and let G-d have them. And to most of all have faith in G-d.



BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
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Your absolutely right. "turn them over to satan".

Yes it is me that is changing. I do trust that God will have mercy on us. Psalm 38:21-22


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
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They are with Satan. We want them to be broken by G-d. that's when the true healing for them can begin and that's what is most important. Not whether it's during our M or not, but they're soul and spiritual renewal.

Mark said this once, G-d could be using us and our M to bring them back into his fold. We could be for his bigger purpose. We need to accept that and somehow find peace.

you are doing great. I'm proud of you...


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 349
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Good point! Thanks


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
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Posts: 349
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There maybe a crack. She said she would quit and find another job. More later.


BS (me) : 43yo
WW: 41 yo
married 17+ yrs
D-Day #1 ONS Aug 03
D-Day #2 Dec 5, 2007
Four kids: 14 yo Son, 11 yo Son, 7 yo Daughter, 5 yo son

First Day on MB

Second Thread on MB
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