thank you very much catperson, seekingtruth527 and DrKynes. I tried replying earlier but it failed. Shoot away with the questions and I'll answer as many as I can.
I've been having mixed responses.
A Pastor's reply:
Thanks for writing. I can fully understand your frustration. You are in a
situation that I don't need to describe to you, but what I can say, is that
it is not unique. Many women find themselves in this situation. I can
imagine, if you have been together for 7 years already, that you are not a
teenager anymore and it is typical that you want to plan your life, set your
goals and begin to see that you are moving toward them. That is mature and
The question is why doesn't your boyfriend want to get married (or even
worse... why doesn't he want to get married to you?) Are you having sex?
Are you doing wifely things for him? Do you fulfil his needs for
companionship and company, do you respect him and acknowledge his manhood?
I am asking, because it would mean that you are giving him what he needs and
he does not return the favour. Security and commitment is a basic need for
a woman and if you want to plan to have children, which is very basic to the
nature and desire of a woman, you want to do that in the confines of a
family consisting of husband and wife with home and safe place to raise
these kids. I don't care what people say and how modern they think we all
are... these are basic to our human nature and there simply is no better
place for children to grow up secure, happy and successful, than inside a
family. Kids deserve to have their own father and their own mother in their
own home, loving and caring for them.
If you are fulfilling his needs he does not have to get married to you. He
already has what he needs without having to give you what you need. This is
one of the reasons why God wants us to keep sex for marriage. The Bible
says it is better to get married than to burn with desire... this definitely
implies that outside of marriage, you are not having sex and if you want to
stop burning for it, get married.
You are indeed in for a difficult decision, but you are going to have to
make a very serious choice. If your discussions on this topic turns to
arguments, it must make you feel really undesirable and unwanted. Think
about it... you have a man who says he loves you, but FIGHTS the thought of
being with you and committing to you. He does not want to marry you, so
that he is free to walk away. That is the horrible reality. I would
seriously question his love, his motives and his commitment. And think
about it... how does that make you feel? And how would it make you feel if
you finally prevail upon him and he 'gives in'? You want him to want to
marry you right? You want him to love you so much that he wants to give
himself completely to you and make sure no one else gets you. You would
love for him to plan a proposal and make you his wife. These are normal
things. And you want it to come from him! What is not normal is a guy who
is wasting your time, not fulfilling your needs and also preventing anyone
else from doing it, because he is just...there.
Perhaps he simply has fear of making up his mind and that would be evident
in everything else in his life. How does he make other decisions? If this
is the case, perhaps the fear of loosing you would be worse than the fear
that he marries you and find it was a mistake. But for goodness sake...
after 7 years he MUST have some picture of you.
If I was you, I would tell him that I believe it is better to separate for a
while so that he can make up his mind if you are IT for him and that he
could get an idea of what it is like when you are not there to fulfil his
needs. Either he is going to come to his senses or you are going to drift
apart and you will be free to meet someone who is not fighting the idea of
spending his whole life with you. Don't sell yourself cheap. You are worth
it and it is about time your boyfriend sees this. You say he is
Christian... then he needs to take a hard look at the Bible and see that his
behaviour is very unscriptural indeed.
God bless and keep in touch