I believe it's healthy for you to embrace that you can be cruel and mean with intent. It's knowing you have that in you and not acting from it which helps you experience yourself as a whole person, Hold.

And I've seen you be cruel before in your marriage and to yourself. I'm not sure I've seen you justify it as you have above, though, which concerns me. I imagined your response to her thoughtful request would have been higher honesty...

"I'm rejecting you from fear you'll continue to reject me."

Instead, I heard you tell her "I'm going to DJ your response and tell myself I'm not so invested in your reaction."

She's correct that your expectation of her displeasure (which she clearly stated was being WITHOUT you in the bedroom) is one of your ANTS...and that you didn't say, "I love my ANTS", again, leaves me wondering.

How will you know when you've chosen to play games instead of stay true to your code, if you justify? Isn't that what you hated most about her LBs? Her justifying the spending, the rejection of affection, the distancing and discounting she justified doing for so many years?

You can get anything you want out in the open when you act O&H. You know that. You're pleased, I believe, because you zinged and rejected her...and were hurtful...you did her thinking for her. You hate it when she does that to you.

You don't allow your expectations of her displeasure to control your actions? Or just your speech? What does her continued, non-infectious cough have to do with your assumption she doesn't appreciate you beside her in the marital bed?

Now that the party is over...has she been spending over her allowance? Has she been LBing you in other ways?

Would you be more honest in saying you won't move back into the bedroom until she agrees to a SF and FS contract?

She asked for what she wanted...what concerned her...and you said no to her. Later, she asked for intimacy, to know your "why" behind the rejection. Sounds like she wasn't ignoring you, didn't assume you'd be moving back into the bedroom, and she chose to act from love, even though she feared. And feared some more.

She wishes you wouldn't say things she takes as hurtful. And later, she came back and asked, anyway.

You see her as making no efforts, using you, being an unhealthy, unchanging spouse...projection, maybe?

Seems to me, she's in a year of massive changes.

I don't see your honesty. You fear your presence interrupts what she wants...nice way to kick yourself in the groin, Hold and blame her.