Originally Posted By: Soolee
if you were a stranger to your wife and you just met, would you consider yourself worthy to be her husband? Would YOU want to be married to you?


No, not at this point. Being married to someone who isn't even trying to be happy must be awful.

Had a very interesting weekend psych-wise.

Saturday morning the kids were out and Mrs. Hold and I talked briefly at the kitchen table. I said "to me, there are 2 possibilities. Either you never found me at all attractive but you tolerated me for the money and parenting. That is a soul deadening level of rejection. Or you have issues from the rapes which remain unresolved. I can understand not wanting to deal with them. I have issues I am not dealing with, either. But if you don't, I see no chance for us reconnecting." She said "I have put the rapes behind me. I wanted you back with me even though it would have been easy to just let you stay in the living room. I love you." Then she hugged me.

I realize that was huge on her part. I am so dead inside, I felt nothing.

Saturday night was my 30th high school reunion. I made the 2.5 hour drive to attend. Saw some people I have not seen in ages. The good news is that it confirmed my memory - I was not really friends with anyone. Which in a wierd way felt good. These days I frequently question my grasp on objective reality. I wonder whether perhaps my perceptions are false and reality was different than I remember. But in this case I was right. There wasn't anyone who had stories to tell of our time together in high school. Even the kid who lived down the block and our families took turns making lunch during elementary school (we were "walkers" who went home for lunch) didn't have much to say about me. Except to confirm to a gal who thought she was the biggest nerd in our class "no, Hold was". And this guy teaches high school math, so from him it is high praise!

I am glad I went. Would have been easy to give in to my fear and stay home and "hide". It was not painful. Even being snubbed by some people I went to elementary school with was not bad (although perhaps that is evidence of how depressed I am). And although I am far from handsome, it was good to see how old some of the guys looked. I don't have a huge gut and still have most of my hair so I didn't look that bad.

Sunday morning we got up early and Mrs. Hold "debriefed" me about the reunion. Then she stroked me all over and we had sex. Miserable failure on my part despite the Viagra, but that is what I have come to expect so by now it is probably a self-fulfilling prophesy.

You know how sometimes you perceive something not by its presence but by its absence? That was this weekend. I realize how depressed I am by the absence of feelings.


When you can see it coming, duck!