I said "to me, there are 2 possibilities. Either you never found me at all attractive but you tolerated me for the money and parenting. That is a soul deadening level of rejection. Or you have issues from the rapes which remain unresolved. I can understand not wanting to deal with them. I have issues I am not dealing with, either. But if you don't, I see no chance for us reconnecting." She said "I have put the rapes behind me. I wanted you back with me even though it would have been easy to just let you stay in the living room. I love you." Then she hugged me.

Hold, I'd just like to congratulate you for having this conversation with her. I think it was very important. I'd like to challenge you to take this another step further and ask her how you can know she is past the rapes and that perhaps counseling for her may help you move beyond it? Perhaps suggest that as a couple both of you need to move beyond the rapes and POJA on how to accomplish that.

I think when a person is raped, the rape doesn't just happen to the direct victim, but also to those who love and care about that person. I think your focus on the rapes suggests that you do love and care for her.

I can relate on the reunion thing. I'm 46 and haven't been to one yet. Was thinking the other day how I sort of snubbed someone I went to school with because she wouldn't have anything to do with me in high school and then suddenly when we have kids the same age, we're supposed to be friends. I just didn't have it in me. I have enough friends, you know?

Also can relate on perhaps aging a bit better than some. It's a good feeling.

Hold, can you understand that even if your wife wasn't raped, even if that wasn't part of the issue here, trying to reconnect with you in this state would be difficult for her? We can sit back and say that your state is due to her, but where does your own responsibility fall in this? Hold...how do you feel about going on an AD for a while? Possibly getting some more counseling? No offense intended. Do you think it may benefit you to go perhaps once every month until you are in a better position to decide your future for sure.

Last edited by Soolee; 11/30/09 10:18 AM.


"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.